One Thousand Pesos = Happiness

I never thought one thousand pesos can make me this happy...

Got myself a beader book for my Tita J, a couple of yoga magazines for my cousin (yup, I admit, I will have to browse over them first before handing them over to her), a golf instruction mag for hubby, parents magazine (the article on “how to handle whining” caught my eye), an Oprah, and last but definitely the least… a crochet book (for the beginner stitcher). Yeheeey! Napapalundak ako sa tuwa, can you see me jumping for joy?

Then I found myself a (relatively) quiet nook with a comfy cushioned seat near the aircon in Jollibee. With an hour to spare while waiting for my ID pictures to get done, I was as happy as a lark.

Today, I became enlightened. Out of the blue, I told hubby that starting this month, I'll be taking care of the Meralco bill. Now, that felt good.

I still get a genuine kick out of living in our tiny suburban paradise. Peeking through our windows while the gentle breeze caresses me gives me joy.

Christmas Lights, Christmas Memories

Today, they’ve lit up the streets of Makati. Saw it on TV. It brought back beautiful memories of my Dad driving us along Ayala/Paseo de Roxas in our good old VW Beetle when we were little.

Back then, we never shopped in Makati. Christmas shopping was done in Cubao (then later on SM City – now North Edsa). But the folks made it a point to drive us through the bright lights. It made me feel even more “Christmassy”.

I can still vividly recall how the whole experience felt as I stuck my neck out, head peeking thru the car window from behind Daddy’s seat. Ah, all was well.

Maybe Hubby and I can bring along the 3 little ones for a “drive-thru” one night.

On Being Up Early and Keeping My Sanity

Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than rising up early. I keep wondering why I do not find the discipline to do it every day.

This morning, I woke and fought the strong urge to count the number of hours I’ve slept and the even stronger urge to get back to bed. Grabbed my Bible and Our Daily Journal, said a short prayer, and greeted my mother-in-law on her birthday.

My youngest Little One woke up as I got down to start eating breakfast. I am thankful that we have help; they take charge of cooking and cleaning most of the time. It was fun chatting with the Little One about nothing in particular – laughing over sneezes and funny words like “Komodo… sacrifice!” (Long story; think – cartoons and speaking cows [Hint: Back in the Barnyard]).

I told our help that I meant to leave early before noon and therefore am planning to eat lunch early. Keeping the communication lines open does wonders to my sanity. I know it will help me not to be running late for work, therefore, make my day remarkably less stressful.

I then spent… I don’t know, maybe half an hour or so watering the plants and trimming a few bushes. Pulled out a handful of ugly-looking weeds. Glad I caught them early. Just a few weeks from now and they’d have grown nasty thorns, making them much harder to pull out. Which, I guess, speaks a lot about life in general. See some “weeds” you don’t like in your life? This early, PULL THEM OUT!

Had to fight the very strong urge to spend more time cutting some grass. Doctor’s orders. No stooping over to avoid increasing my intracranial pressure and spare myself the torture of a really bad headache (which usually drags on for days… really).

I know I’ve been fighting a lot of urges lately. But this is all balanced out by giving in to some pleasant instincts – like rising up early. My mantra is still “Let it go”. Works wonders for my health and sanity. I end up with a happier household and a happier me.

Please spare me a moment to rant...

Am all alone at home, hubby, the kids and their ates are out-of-town swimming together with the in-laws to celebrate grandma’s birthday. I was tossing and turning the whole night because of an ugly, intermittently throbbing, left-sided headache. I could have come with them today but I desperately wanted to end this pain that has been dragging on and off for the past three days.

Don’t you just get tired of all this talk about my ailment? I know I do. But this offers my only respite. I exert the best effort to keep myself from complaining as much as I would’ve wanted to, to hubby or to my mom. Too much negative energy and whining makes me think Francis Kong’s joke (heard in one of his talks) may have been written for me: ‘Some people brighten up a room just by leaving it’.

My doctor had started me on a new drug last week. The headache still comes and goes but last Thursday, I was happy to tell hubby that I thought my tinnitus was becoming less loud, less intrusive. It was evident that hubby was very happy to hear this bit of news.

Sadly, this comforting phase didn’t last that long. We went to a friend’s son’s birthday party yesterday and the music was unbearably loud. Loud music + terrible speakers = torture to my ears. Even the other folks whom I assume weren’t suffering from ear conditions complained. I had no control over the situation. My ear plugs, aside from not doing much to mask the noise, left me feeling silly and self-conscious. I hid them back in purse a minute after I tried them on.

As we left the party, my headache worsened and dragged on into the night. My ears felt a bit ‘deaf’ and ‘full’, like a cup was being held over each of them. And my tinnitus reverted back into its loud, high-pitched, relentless state.

Back to normal.

Snap, snap, snap.

It seems like all I've really been doing since yesterday was to snap. I snapped at my kids. I snapped at my husband. I snapped at our kasambahays (helpers). It's sad that I have been using my illness as a sorry, worn-out excuse.

First things first: please allow myself to rant. I have been dealing with my tinnitus for more than a year now. The ENT I am currently seeing (my fourth one) is one of the best, if not the best, ear specialist in the country. But up until now, after months of medication and tests, we're still both stumped.

My CT scan has shown evidence of a problem (likely, congenital) in my right temporal bone. But a lot of questions have emerged since. Why does my tinnitus involve my left ear as well? Why do I get these bad, disabling, right-sided headaches that typically last for days? And why, after my doctor flipped and turned me almost violently in different directions during my check-up last week, does my left ear show signs of "weakness"? And yet the tinnitus, in both ears, remains... louder than ever. So many why's. Not enough answers.

And so many restrictions! A long list of things that include a lot of the things I love (or would have loved to do): No caffeine, therefore, no coffee nor chocolates. No yoga. No running nor jogging. No lifting nor pushing of heavy objects (which sadly,translates to no carrying of my kids and no grocery-shopping on my own). No stooping over (which means no more grass cutting in the garden). And no salty food though I've been allowed to get away with this last one since sodium levels have been slightly low.

My in-born propensity to snap has been aggravated by the fact that the doctor has switched my drug to something that is supposed to keep me from having headaches BUT would predispose me to weight gain, drowsiness, and depression. I'm thinking, great! They took away all my comfort things AND gave me the perfect excuse to feel sad and sleepy. 

END OF RANT.

But there have been countless blessings along the way. My husband goes out of his way to comfort me and cheer me up. (Just half an hour ago, he cooked fishball for me and the kids). My mom has been my fiercest prayer warrior. My one and only sister is one of my staunch supporters. My aunts. My mother-in-law. All of them have been continuously praying for me. And my kids... ah, the kids. I've yelled at them many times. I've been irritable and at times, have consciously chosen to stay in a room away from them to protect my ears from their high-pitched yelling. (My ears are pretty sensitive to noise, especially to high-pitched sounds AND countless occasions have proven that anger and irritation trigger my headache; just so you wouldn't think I'm being too mean, okay?). But they hug me and love me just as I am.

The youngest has her adorable way of cheering me up by moving her face close to mine and giving me her best smile, "Mommy, are you happy or sad? Happy?". The Big Girl gives me spontaneous hugs and 'I love you's almost every day. And Kuya plants his kisses on my cheeks and shows me his amazingly detailed sketches. 

Hubby, oh hubby. He takes charge of a lot of my usual chores especially when the symptoms become pretty bad or when he sees me in one of my depressed phases (that happens mostly after I've come from the doctor). He helps the kids with homework when I don't feel like doing it and he does this very patiently. He runs to the groceries to buy rice and what not. He cooks food that I particularly love simply because "I want you to be happy, hon". 

Today, I scolded my elder daughter. She was being whiney and was sulking. She hounded me since yesterday to get her a tiny pretty box from the bookstore, something to store her ring in. Hubby and I surprised her today, but instead of being pleased, she got envious of the other surprises for her siblings and failed to appreciate the box. I yelled at her and said "Ano ka ba, kahapon ka pa hingi nang hingi sa akin ng box tapos ngayon  na ibinigay ko na, hindi ka pa rin masaya. Ano pa ba ang gusto mo?".

I had to stop, almost mid-sentence, because... I could well be talking to myself. God must have grinned His mighty silly grin. and I shut up and thanked God for all my blessings.

My Perfectly Imperfect Garden

I just love my garden and all of its imperfections. My lop-sided topiaries cannot seem to decide whether they want to become spheres or cylinders (with flat tops and bottoms). The grass still has some bald patches. Despite my (and husband’s) diligent hours of transplanting the stray roots, the bare patches remain. They patiently wait for the nearby grass stalks to come creeping in. The gladiola blooms that looked grand a couple of days ago now rest withered on the ground – a beautiful reminder that life is short. Time need not be wasted.

Gardening Came To My Rescue

Those two weeks are finally over. Two weeks of joy-lessness, hopelessness and discouragement. After a tearful episode with mom and a lot of thinking over things, I have come to accept my condition. And acceptance, as circumstances later revealed, is the key to lightening one’s burdens. It was also a huge help that my loved ones (most especially hubby) and their closest friends were praying for me and giving support.

Which is not to say that I am actually better now. The tinnitus is still here and can be pretty loud and annoying still. Just this morning, I seem to have been awakened by its unusually high volume. But the headaches, oh… I used to have really bad headaches that go on for hours even days. I sleep on it and wake up still having it. Once, while driving home from L (3-hour drive), I just had to stop because the white flower and paracetamol were not working anymore. I had to stop the car and tried to relax, calm my nerves and collect my thoughts. It felt like had I failed to hang on the tiniest bit of self-control that was left, I would doze off on the wheel and end up, I don’t know, waking up elsewhere. I prayed hard, too and what kept me motivated was that Big Boy had to be brought to his Taekwondo classes. The headaches have markedly improved with my medication. Now I do end up with tingling sensations on my arms and legs, side effects of the drug.

Nowadays, few things give me joy and respite. Most of the calm comes from our garden. Every morning, the sight of the Gladiolas and their brightly-colored blooms tell me that life is beautiful. When I need to take my mind off my petty worries about the kids, or my SCDS, or my patients, I grab my shears and just cut the grass until my knees hurt. The weeds have become a wonderful outlet for my stress. Each bunch that I manage to successfully pull out (roots and all) gives me so much satisfaction, probably disproportionate but… hey, whatever makes one happy, right?

Strange as it may seem, my gardening has offered me insights into what has been happening to me. We always hear that God prunes us because He loves us. Now that I have my own bushes, I get it. When I look at the pretty, fresh sprouts, it is easy to just let them be. But my mind takes over and I say – “Plant, I love you but you really need to be pruned. This will make you healthier, and prettier, too. So, bear with me, okay? Soon, you will understand what I’m saying”.

And it is not just the mere act of cutting the grass or pruning or weeding that gives me joyful respite. It’s the whole experience. The clicking of my shears. The sweet smell of freshly-cut grass. The feel of the gentle breeze on my face. The warmth of the sun. The crisp feel of the carabao grass on my fingers. The feeling of one-ness with all the creepy little things that go about their business as I go about mine.

And then I find myself being embraced in a comforting feeling of immense gratitude. Gratitude for the living things and for the huge blessing of our home and garden. For years, I have lived in dormitories and my space was defined by a single lumpy bed and a closet and nothing else. I survived on fast food and queued for probably a total of a tenth of my student life (queue to the toilet, to the bathroom, to the pay phone, etc.). Look at us now. I… we have been greatly blessed. I am truly grateful.

On The brink

Living on the edge? No. These days it feels more like I’m living on the brink. On the brink of my sanity, that is.

Small Comforts

For the past two weeks or so, I have been suffering from bad headaches every day. I have been popping all sorts of pills and I worry about the ill effects these may have on my liver or kidney, most especially on my tinnitus. This worrying about the pills (among other things) could very well be the same fuel that feeds this vicious cycle.

Now I take the time to sit and pause to thank God for things – big and small – that comfort me, in spite of:

• the smell of fresh-cut grass
• the low-pitched, distant hum of the village keepers’ motorized grass cutter
• the sight of our plants, all healthy and well; they seemed to have adapted nicely to our little garden. One of the gladiolas have even managed to bloom into beautiful peach-colored flowers. After only a few days, the grass is in need of mending and the topiaries are begging to be trimmed. I hope to find the time later today after my clinic. Or maybe tomorrow. (Thursdays are my much-loved free day/errand day/drive-the-kids-to-after-school-activities-day)
• hubby who patiently takes over helping the kids out with the homework especially when I am tired or feeling more impatient than usual
• the little girl’s warm, tight bear hug… like she has totally forgiven me for having yelled at her last weekend
• my elder daughter’s pretty, sheepish smile
• ashtanga yoga – it gave me much happiness and comfort for the past two weeks (not to mention a terrible sore after the first session!); It required the discipline to drive myself to the yoga class after a long day at work but I never anticipated such huge pay-offs: it made me feel incredibly relaxed and fulfilled. It’s like my body and mind were thanking me for the much-needed break. Sadly, this has to be put off for now as I await my doctor’s clearance and advice
• my mom – the short sermons and bit of nagging are actually a solid source of comfort and reassurance for me.
• my cousin M who urged me to try yoga. Her short text messages were always a source of comfort for me, I can’t really say how or why

I have quite a few concerns on my mind but for now I choose to focus on these small comforts. I send a tiny thank you to God in heaven and trust that everything will go well as He has planned.

Three Things to Remembr in Life

1. Make God No. 1
2. Time is sacred
3. Live a balanced life

Addendum: Remember – all the saints were busy people! (Let us ask for the grace to always make God number 1 in spite of our busy lives)

- From Homily, Don Bosco 8:30 am Mass (must remember to get the priest’s name)

Beautiful Morning

I feel light and happy this morning because it’s Thursday, my day off! Well, it’s not exactly rest day. It’s more like an errand day for me but any break I can get away from the hospital or from my clinic makes me happy all the same.

Last night, for the first time since hubby had left for a week-long business trip last weekend, I had restful sleep. It felt good. It was a mere 5-hour sleep but my body felt recharged. Quality talaga over quantity. Dear Lord must have heard my prayers when I begged him to remove all fears lurking in my heart (and imagination).

I woke up early (yet 15 min later than what I had intended) and scrambled about in the kitchen to cook guisadong beans and carrots. Kuya’s teacher asked the class to bring nutritious food, good for sharing with 2-3 other people, in lieu of this week’s celebration of Nutrition Week. As I scooped the veggies into his lunchbox, I felt more pleased than harassed. A great way to start the day.

Things on my to-do list for today include:

• Doing some grocery shopping – I know, I know. It seems like I do this every week. One word - baon. Last-minute na kulang sa bahay (Have I mentioned we’ve moved to our new home and that is “liblib”? Walang suking tandahan within, I’d say, a 5-km radius). Haller. We cannot afford to run out of patis or kamatis. I do realize I need to get myself more organized to spare me a few more trips, equating to a few more liters of gas saved.

• Typing up some documents for work. (This was exactly what I intended to do as I opened up my laptop but here I am, talking to you).

• Sending these documents to their intended recipients by LBC.

• A quick run to the bank to deposit a couple of checks. “Mga barya” by other people’s standards but they are a product of my sweat and saliva, of times spent sitting in my clinic patiently listening to all sorts of patient troubles, so it gives me a real thrill whenever I deposit these checks.

• Drive my son to his Taekwondo class

• Perhaps I can afford some time for bookstore window-shopping (my third this week, ay caramba!)? Or maybe I’d be fortunate enough to find a Booksale?

• Most important but not necessarily the most urgent on my to-do list is to get right back to unpacking some of the boxes that are cluttered around the house. I’ve been meaning to but just didn’t have the discipline to do it. During the first few days here, I was running around, decluttering and fixing things like crazy. Seems I’ve sunk comfortably into my new place and have lost my momentum. Hmmm.

It still amazes me how much more I am able to do here compared to when we still lived in the Metropolis. It’s like having been gifted with a few more hours every single day. It used to feel like all I ever did was wake up, rush to work and commute for hours, see a few (or none) patients, commute back for another couple of hours, rest a while, eat, then zonk out to sleep. Then it’s another day.

Here, even on days when I do have clinic, I am still able to help the kids with homework, do a few errands (like yesterday, I dropped by the market, just a block from work, and bought some fruits and vegetables, and ordered a birthday cake for the Little Girl’s upcoming birthday [4 years old, can you believe it?]) and still indulge in short but sweet periods of activities I loved to do most – I did some needle-work (cross-stitching) for half an hour and leisurely read a book for another half hour.

Ah, the joys and pleasures of a fledgling physician! They say it takes two years to build up one’s practice before one gets swamped with patients. Right now, I can’t complain. I am enjoying every minute of it.

Home Sweet home

I cannot believe it’s been three and a half weeks since we’ve moved into our new home. Hubby and I are immensely grateful for this great blessing… I guess you can say it is our dream home for not too long ago all we could do was to dream about it. Praise God!

Which brings me to this/these other thing/s – boxes and boxes of stuff still waiting to be unpacked! All of us pitched in as we gradually unpacked the important stuff, mostly the kids’ clothes (and toys!) and kitchen things, some of my/hubby’s clothes, things that we really need to use everyday. But there’s so much more… the boxes of books that desperately need to be dusted and arranged on our brand new built-in bookshelves, my much-loved stash of school/office supplies, even my valuables that are meant to be stored in our locked drawers are stuck in one of our obscure-looking knapsacks and are begging to be unpacked.

The kids still have a blast from playing with dirt (soil) and touching each and every makahiya leaf. We love to stroll and visit one (or all) of the three pocket gardens that the developer has so generously provided for the village. The sounds of the kuligligs are still a thrill. And the bugs! I am still in awe of the countless species of insects that I have seen in and around our home. Thank goodness there have been no mosquitos nor cockroaches. But we’ve seen gamu-gamo, dragonflies, ladybugs, what looked like a weird praying mantis, a yellow-striped wasp-looking insect that kept building his home made of mud right on our front door (once, even on my car window!) and a lot more. Sadly, there are also houseflies… they come in usually at lunch time and swarm over our dining table… eew (I know).

Since we’ve moved here, it seems like I never run out of errands. Grocery shopping weekly. Palengke weekly (I am still ecstatic over this palengke; tilapia na humihinga pa, grabe. And fruits, fruits, fruits). Driving to the water station for refill. Bookstore, bookstore. Driving around here in this area south of Manila is a walk in the park compared to city-driving. I am enjoying every bit of it.

More stories soon!

Anytime. All The Time.

This is too funny. Things like these always happen in cycles. One can only manage to laugh knowing that everything always turns out for the better in the end.

Just ten days ago, I’ve written about how things were looking up and proceeded to enumerate the things I was really grateful for. Countless blessings! Now, I remain grateful… with just a few “concerns” (a.k.a. worries) in my mind.

I felt quite okay after my check up with the ear specialist and was, in fact, feeling more than fine that I dragged my aunt for some halu-halo and a little more chit-chat afterwards. When evening came, I began to feel distraught. By some unexplainable coincidence (?), I began to have tinnitus on my other ear, too. I remember very distinctly the exact moment when it happened. I was on my bed, right ear on the pillow, when I noted that my tinnitus on the left turned unusually loud. Then, I felt fullness on my left ear and it suddenly shifted to the right. This was followed by very loud tinnitus on my right. So I now have tinnitus on both ears. And it’s been like that ever since.

Hubby thinks it may all be related to stress, brought about my worrying after having spoken to Dr. C. He may be right. But this kind of reasoning is not easy to accept. It’s like saying that I brought this illness upon myself. Like I battered my brain enough for the thoughts to become real. As if I’ve willed my body to act this way; worse, with my consent.

Actually, Dr. C.’s advise sounded very logical, very intelligent, and somehow, encouraging. Get the ear tests done. Have the CT scan done (just to make sure that there’s no tumor and to see whether I am at risk of having sudden permanent hearing loss). Take the vitamin B and give it two months. Come back with the results and we’ll see.

Things have become a bit more complicated because… I have reason to believe that I may be pregnant. We’ve been keeping things “under control” for years; our youngest will be turning four in a couple of months. But we may have been not careful enough this month. And everyone knows how “fertile” we can get.

Hubby has been laughing off my worries about our being pregnant. In fact, he has been very relaxed and “un-worried” about the whole thing. But this morning, I got a glimpse into the inner workings of his heart when he very casually mentioned that he has decided to cut down on some of our expenses.

Instead of the original plan of buying two new LCD TVs (one for the den and the other for our bedroom), we’ll be buying just one (for our bedroom). We can then settle for our old one (currently at the repair shop) for the den. We won’t be buying a new sala set yet as this can wait. And then he said, “Baka mahaba pa ang gamutan mo. Ayoko nang kokonti ang cash na hawak natin”.

Yesterday, I had a bad case of what seemed like an intestinal flu. I tossed and turned on my bed the night before because of intermittent gnawing epigastric pain. I thought it may be hyperacidity caused by incessant worrying. Morning came and I had 3 explosive episodes of diarrhea and suffered from crampy on and off tummy ache the whole day. I vaguely remembered suffering from the exact same thing during the first few weeks of my pregnancy with our youngest.

Today, I felt a little better, still with some tummy ache though (until now, as I write). When I walked into my clinic, the first thing I noticed was the intolerable, noxious odor of my secretary’s perfume. I thought to myself – bago kaya pabango n’ya? And then tonight, I barely touched my dinner. It was adobo. The dish that I very much detested during my pregnancies. All three of them. Now hubby’s worried.

To add to this list, this morning, our yaya who’s been with us for the past 2 months said that she’d be leaving tomorrow morning. Hubby was irked; he wanted at least a month’s notice, enough time for us to look for a replacement. I was mad, too, thinking of all the work that needs to be done because of our move to our new home (in two weeks!). But part of me (a bigger part of me) felt relieved as this particular yaya has been getting of my nerves for weeks! Wala nang ginawa kundi tumambay sa kapitbahay. Plus a serious attitude problem. Frankly, I’d be very happy to see her off. I hope our other favorite yaya does not abandon us. I called on my Tita A and tomorrow she is coming to our rescue. Ever-reliable. As my other tita said after I thanked her profusely, “Anytime. All the time.” Beautiful words. Like music to my heart.

Once again, I just scoop up all of these concerns and throw them up in the air… away with all my worries and issues. God cares for me. God cares for us. Anytime. All the time.

More On My Tnnitus

Today, with the help of Tita J, I finally dragged myself to the ear specialist, Dr. C. I have been trying my best to ignore my tinnitus for the past 10 months. I tried to live with it with as little whining as possible (I have been barely successful with this one, hubby can attest to that).

I have finally managed to make time for it. I cancelled my clinic for today. After having spoken with Dr. C (for a long time), I am hopeful as she says there is 75% chance that she may be able to do something about it. It also dawned on me that Dr. C. is THE ear specialist, the ear “goddess” and I should have come to see her a lot sooner. For years she was one of only two doctors in the country doing cochlear implants.

These are the most important points I’ve gathered from the check-up:
• I should have continued taking mecobalamin for a long time. She has data to back it up. She did the study from which the data were gathered. And I should have taken it for two months.
• The hearing on my left ear (based on my hearing test done last week) is normal. But the hearing on my right ear (the “normal” ear) is slightly impaired. The tympanic membrane on my left though is slightly less pliant than the one on my right.
• And because I have tinnitus but normal hearing on my left ear, it makes the work-up and treatment more complicated. If my hearing were impaired, she would just prescribe a hearing aid with a mask for my tinnitus and that was it. Not true in my case.
• After she had learned that I was sensitive to loud, high-pitched sounds, she decided I needed to have a CT scan of my temporal bone done. This was to check whether there was any mass and to see if the base of the skull, the bone that separates my brain from my ear was too thin. It being too thin would put me at risk of breaking it and suffering from sudden, total, and permanent hearing loss. If it were too thin I would have to refrain from straining and strenuous activities such as running, lifting, etc. As she said those words, I felt the smile on my face gradually disappear.
• I could have benefitted from an MRI of the ear if it were done within the two months of the onset of my tinnitus/zoster oticus. It could have helped document any autoimmune inner ear inflammation. I asked, SLE? Not sure, but they have seen such autoimmune cases.
• I was advised to eliminate caffeine from my diet. Coffee, alcohol, softdrink of any kind. And less salt (horrors!). And I’m not so sure if I heard her right when she said artificial sweets.
• I asked if it could have been drug-induced? I had regular intake of ibuprofen and aspirin for my headaches. She said yes but that it was hard to say since almost all drugs available listed tinnitus as one of the side effects.

I will have the CT scan done as soon as I get my period. In the meantime, I will start taking my mecobalamin. And pray to God for healing.

Lots To Be Thankful About

Had 2 patients today at U__ (1 was HMO) and zero patient at S____. Frankly, I do not feel bad. I felt kinda relieved actually. In the next few days/one and a half week, we’ll be preoccupied. There’s my repeat pure tone audiometry test and ENT consult (4th opinion!) that’s long overdue. Plus our moving in to our new home is happening sometime next week. Hooray! Praise God.

We’re going to be busy, busy,busy… just thinking about the packing and fixing and cleaning makes my tinnitus even louder. But everything seems to be a small price to pay for a beautiful home that is all our own and the quiet, peaceful surrounding that comes with it. Not to mention my commute that is about to be remarkably shortened to 15% of my usual daily commute. Hooray ulit!

Things like enrolment and uniforms and black shoes and school supplies and school service have also been on my mind and will continue to be on my mind for the next couple of weeks. I am excited for the kids. They will be going to schools that have been prayerfully picked for them by their dad and me. They will be making new friends and immersing themselves in new things that are good for them – fresh air, and big spaces for running and playing. I am determined to drastically cut down their TV time.

I am also making some plans for myself. I plan to make myself busy. To spend my time and energy in things and activities that will be good for my health (both of body and of mind). I am planning to start learning how to wake up earlier (never too late to change!) and to do some walking (and running, maybe… who knows?). I will call up my cousin about the yoga classes she’s been going to in Sta. Rosa. Though I occasionally have been doing my yoga, I am not so sure if my technique has been right. My muscles are tooo tight still and having an instructor will probably help me push myself a little and make myself a little limber.

I am preparing myself for a lot of fixing and working around the house in the next few months. I am also looking forward to starting a little bit of gardening with a lot of help from Mommy and Tio M.

Plus there’s my needle work that has been shelved for months. Will start working on them again as soon as I can. The designs I’ve picked (beautiful windows, meant to be displayed in groupings) will be perfect for our new pasilio outside of our bedrooms.

Life is great. Things are looking up. God has been generous and with all my heart I thank You, Lord.

God is Great (As Usual)

God is great. Anxiously, I clutched my things and began to tread on unfamiliar territory. I breathed a silent prayer in my heart that everything will turn out okay. He answered my prayer by sending over a familiar, friendly face. A minute’s worth of smiles and encouragement was more than enough to comfort me and boost my confidence. All is well. All will be well.

Dear Lord,

Today I’ve met with some of my colleagues. Some were much older and ”senior”. A handful were quite younger but have started their practice way before I started mine.

As I spoke with hubby about how my day went, he noticed that I was making comments about how ‘big-time’ so-and-so already is. That is, ‘big’ enough such that their hotel accommodations for the convention have been graciously sponsored by pharmaceutical companies. When I made those comments, it didn’t occur to me that I was comparing myself to others. To hubby, it appeared as if I was whining about how slow my career was going and he remarked that maybe I should reconsider my decision re choosing not to practice in any of the big hospitals in the metropolis.

It was also today, as I came home after a long day, that the yaya welcomed me by saying that this hospital called and was reminding me about my contract re their acceptance of my application as visiting physician.

Lord, can You please help me out? I am a bit confused. When I made the decision to concentrate on the hospitals that were relatively near our soon-to-be home, I felt confident that it was the right decision. I justified it by telling myself that in limiting my practice like so, I was making the decision to make my family, especially my little kids, my number one priority.

You, oh Lord, know the inner workings of my heart best. Did I really make these decisions because I really held my family important above all else? Or was it a decision borne out of my laziness and my fear of failure? Was it only because I am too scared to step out of the boundaries of my comfort zone? Did I choose this path not because I thought it was best but because I thought it was the easiest?

I search my heart yet cannot find the answers. Only you, my Creator, know best.

You know that I long to have some degree of success in my professional life. That I desire to be of help and comfort to as many patients as possible is already a given. But I also long for a career that would afford me and my family some of the comforts I dream of. I look at some of my colleagues with a little bit of envy as they tell stories of which hotel they were billeted in, or of how the other one did not need to fall in (a really long) line just to get a free copy of the MIMS because the med rep delivers it right to the doorstep of her clinic. Two words. Big. Time.

Yet I also long for a life that will enable me to attend PTA meetings, to help kids with their homework, to exercise and run around our village or do yoga, to spend time in my little joys like working on crossword puzzles or doing cross-stitching, or a future activity that I hope to learn and enjoy – tend to our little garden.

Is it possible? Or do I need to give up this very idea of fence-sitting and make a firm decision re which path to take?

Help me, Lord. Please enlighten me. Hold me by the hand and lead the way. Right now I pray for patience and let You do Your work and unfold the life that You’ve always meant me to live and enjoy. Let me live a full life, oh Lord. Bless me and my family always. Bless me and my work. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Silliness and Shame

It shames me that I dare to feel and think this way when everything in life is going well. Everyone in the family is healthy (save for my tinnitus). There is food on the table. There are two sets of helping hands. Our new house is almost done. And all are at peace.

This past week brought with it feelings of emptiness and discontent. As silly as it may sound, I am fraught with worry that because everything is going very well, something really terrible is bound to happen. It will pounce on me like a sharp-toothed predator and leave me stunned. Will I die a sudden death in a car crash? Will someone in the family fall seriously ill? This feeling of dread leaves me drained of happiness and energy. Knowing how crazy it all is makes it even doubly hard. How silly can a supposedly educated person get?

Dearest A,

Driving to L_____ this morning gave me much time to pause and think. I realize how increasingly difficult it has become to discipline our three kids. Each has his or her own unique personality, and for reasons that are still unclear to me, they seem to put on their worst behavior whenever we are around. An attempt at catching our attention? Probably.

I also thought about what happened last night when the kids were noisily playing on our bed and they woke you up from your sleep, causing you to kick the Big Boy’s toys off the bed. I know you did not mean to do it. Please bear with me as I share with you some of my thoughts. I admit I am far from being a patient mother myself. Just an hour before that incident, I threw the empty alcohol bottle to show how displeased I was that Little One played with and wasted my stuff again. I have huge planks in my eye that need to be weeded out. I write this because we are a team. And as a team, our aim is to raise and love our kids the best way we can.

I found the incident a very sad moment. When the toys flew off of the bed and landed on the floor, the Big Boy did not show any change in the expression on his face. He had spent a considerable amount of time arranging those toys to make them look like a ship… you know how fond he is of building things. After the incident, he neither showed anger nor hurt, not even surprise. I found it very sad that he simply went about picking up his toys and rearranging them as if having toys thrown off beds was a most natural and ordinary occurrence in our home.

You and I both work very hard to give them the best and most comfortable life we can give. Sometimes, it makes us too tired to listen to their tiny and mundane concerns and, I speak for myself here hon, I admit that most days it is easier to just lie in bed and read my book or Facebook than to listen or spend time with them. You’re better off as I can see your effort in taking time to read them storybooks. I am guilty and today I pray to the Lord that He would send all the help we need so we can be the parents that He has meant us to be. As I’ve read somewhere, no amount of success can compensate for failure in the home. If I become a successful ______gist but turn out to be a bad mother, I would consider my life a complete waste. May God bless us both and teach us always. I love you so much.

K

Mindlessness

I finally got around to doing the groceries. Yesterday, I felt a sharp pang of guilt as I reached for our coffee canister only to find it empty. More so when I wanted to make some milk for the kids at breakfast and was told by our kasambahay, “Ate, wala na rin po”. Ayayay, what kind of a mother am I? Too busy the whole week and spent my free time working on frustrating and utterly useless crossword puzzles… honestly, spending bucks on booklets of puzzles to torture myself? Please remind me to smack myself on the forehead. Not to mention my mindless FB-ing (a.k.a. Facebook-ing)… aaargh.

This morning as I drove towards home from the supermarket, my youngest and I got entangled in a huge traffic jam. It was a beautiful morning, and I was proud because the little one was very much behaved. The jam was terrible and I had gotten pretty irked and allowed no one to drive past me. Sisingit-singit ka d’yan, gitgitan to the max! Thank heavens I was spared from a dent or scratch but as I sat there I thought to mysef – goodness, what creature have I turned myself into? How could I have turned from this neophyte driver whose armpits were drenched with sweat despite the airconditioning and who took much care and prayed with every turn and into this impatient, wreckless, arrogant witch? And in such a short span of time! Aaaack! Another smack on the forehead.

Enough! More mindfulness! More patience! More cool! Praise God for loving me in spite of.

Happily Swamped

This week, I was swamped by referrals and new patients. Okay, okay… ‘swamped’ is an exaggeration. But they were plenty enough to keep me busy. It left me no time to whine about my tiniest troubles and left me scrambling about with a smile in my heart. Every day I drive 80 to 120 km. Every night, my sleep is interrupted by updates and lab results. One doesn’t mind and instead, chooses to be grateful for the busy-ness and for people (nurses and residents) who bother to call and SMS.

I whined. Heavenly Father heard me. I am such a spoiled brat. Thank You, God.

Oasis

Ah, finally. Some quiet time. One enjoys this moment, sitting at the desk with no sound but the whir of the electric fan blades.

Since the yayas have unexpectedly left on Valentine’s day, I have become too busy that the lines that separate one day from the next have become a blur. I am thankful that one of the yayas has come back about two weeks ago. Still, I found myself constantly moving from one activity to the next, driving from one place to the another, able to keep still only for the duration of the few minutes between the time I lay my head on my pillow and the moment I fall asleep. So far my alone and “quiet” time has been the hours I spent driving to and from my clinic/s south of Manila.

And it’s not even because I have a thriving practice. In one of my clinics, patients have been few and far between. Referrals have been rare… like rain during this season of El Nino.

One tries to keep the optimism and to remain hopeful. Still, concerns can feel like a heavy rock tied around my heart, weighing me down.

At the risk of sounding hypocritical, I must say that it isn’t just about money. Not that I don’t need it! Thankfully though, hubby’s work has been far more reliable. For years,he has been keeping our family well-fed and sheltered.

It is about the need for certain things that money cannot buy. The need for things like… fulfillment. The feeling of being wanted and needed. The need for reassurance that one’s decision has been right all along despite the many objections and criticisms from closest loved ones and friends. The right field. The right place. The right choice.

It feels like passing through an arid desert. No stream lies in sight. The thirst, no matter how hard one tries to ignore, has become almost unbearable. But I trudge on knowing that ahead of me lies the oasis that has been promised.

Things are looking up.

It’s been eight days since the yayas have left without any warning. I’ve mopped floors and washed dishes and clothes and packed away toys and cooked and uncluttered and bathed kids and ironed clothes and just worked myself to bits. I yelled a lot and spanked some. My back ached. Thankfully, the kids watched TV for a couple of hours early this evening while hubby cooked. It afforded me some shut-eye.

Now I sit here at my desk and try to will myself to work on my upcoming lecture, thanks to hubby’s prodding/yelling. It’s okay. Everybody’s tired.

Tomorrow, the other (better) yaya is coming back. We managed to convince her to conquer her fear (of us) and work again to pay off the 2 weeks worth of salary she has taken in advance. I pray that she decides to stay. I pray for strength to forgive her and to move on.

Tomorrow, things will get better.

Like Manna From Heaven

The other day, Mom and I were taking over dinner about wanting to try yoga. There was no yoga class in our hometown. My family and I, on the other hand, are to move into a new place in a couple of months and I knew, thru a cousin, that a yoga class was available. I felt excited. I’ve heard and read tons about the benefits of yoga – the way it helps relieve stressed muscles and minds, and about how it makes one limber. Mom and I laughed at how tight our muscles were. I then forgot about our conversation.

For days, weeks now even, I have been concerned about finding a good school for our three kids. Our first application into a ‘good’ school (or so we’ve heard) was pretty traumatic for me. A week after the exam, I was handed letters that said they were sorry to inform me that my kid was not accepted because he/she did not meet their requirements. And they thanked me for taking interest in their school. BS! It was painful for me and my ego. And I felt sorry for the kids whom I knew were smart, and curious, and inquisitive but have been exposed for the past two years to a school curriculum which was “unconventional”. (Others called it “non-traditional”).

For about a week after that, I hustled from one school to another in between my clinic hours. I busied myself over ID pictures, and birth and baptismal certificates, and teacher’s recommendations forms. Once, I found myself crying while driving. Are they nuts? How can they not accept my son and daughter? They’re preschoolers, c’mon, give them a break!

Yesterday, after my clinic, I went on an errand for hubby. As I drove in the mall parking lot, I failed to look into my rear view mirror as I made a wide turn and almost ran into a speeding car (driven by what looked like a teenager). My heart skipped a beat, my stomach sank, and my knees shook. I said thanks to God for sparing me in spite of my carelessness. Heaving a deep sigh of relief and thanks, I backed up into my parking space, then smiled at the security guard who was staring at my car, probably wanting to see who this idiot driver could be (I had dark tint).

After the short errand, I found myself walking into National Bookstore. I wanted to ease my nerves and what better place than the bookstore (I know, I’m a bit of a geek). Looking for nothing in particular, I loitered around and then found myself standing in front the shelf labeled “Parenting”. Staring right at me was this book entitled, “(A Parents’ Guide To) Preparing Your Child For School”. It was affordable and it was exactly what I needed. I thought - Wow. God does hear my prayers. I grabbed it.

A minute later, I saw “Yoga Bliss (Simple and Effective Routines for Chilling Out)” for only 299.50. Whoa! Father, God, You’re too much! You’re spoiling me! I scanned through the pages; it had great pictures and was obviously written for tight-muscled beginners like me. It fit my budget so I grabbed it, too.

I then picked up an issue of Pinoy Whiz English Edition for me and hubby (it’s a new hobby of ours, very cheap at 15 pesos and quite fun, too). And then I chanced upon a lone copy of “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff Omnibus (special Edition – three books in one) by Richard Carlson” at only 375.00. Quite a bargain! All my purchases amounted to less than a thousand pesos. I was as happy as a kid let loose in a candy store.

I thought to myself how thoughtful and generous God really is. I did not plan these purchases. I did not plan walking into the bookstore. But He graciously led me to where I could find what I really needed. Other people might call this serendipity. To me it’s God’s provision, plopped right in front me and ready for the picking – like manna from heaven! Wow.

As if these weren’t enough, as I walked past the lonely corners of the store, I overheard what sounded like a mom and a little kid girl reading. I allowed my curiosity to take over my usually reserved self and approached them. The mom was pointing at numerous short words on an MSA reading guide and the little girl was reading – pak, pak, pak – at full speed. She was so little and I was very much impressed. Engaging the mom in conversation (I’m glad she didn’t run away from me), I learned that the kid was only four, that she learned how to read at home, and that she’s been reading since age 3. Wow. I have been thinking a lot of Wow’s this past hour.

I picked up a few of the reading guides after the lady and the little girl had left. With a teeny-weeny bounce in my step, I rushed to the cashier and paid for my purchases (thank God, again, for the patients He sent to me the day before).

I have an aversion to this A-word because it’s been used and abused, but God really is awesome! As in. Praise God.

My New Year's Resolutions

1. Exercise
- Stretch, yoga, walk, run! I am not getting any younger. I need to take better care of my body and my health, not only for my sake, but for the sake of my children.

2. More time with the kids
- More face-to-face time, not just over the phone when I’m away. or glancing over my shoulder as I busily type on my computer. Not just homework time. More fun times.

3. Patience
- Control temper. Hold my tongue. Keep my eyeballs from rolling.

4. Less whining
- I will refuse to complain about things that cannot be helped (as most things are). I will learn to actively find solutions to problems. I will pray more about my concerns.

5. Prayer and Scripture time
- Religiously. Every day.

6. Devotion to my spiritual masters
- Attend novena to St. Jude more regularly. Read and learn more about Saint Paul and Saint Therese of Lisieux

7. Time for interests
– Allot more time for things that I find enjoyable - crafts, reading, blogging/writing, guitar. And spend less time on the internet.

8. Generosity
- To be more generous with my time, talent, and treasure (especially to my mother, my sister, the whole family, and people in need).

9. Be proactive
- Become (more) proactive with regards to my practice/career. In the vernacular : “magsipag-sipag; hindi puro hiya”

10. Be a better wife and daughter.
- Be more loving, more tolerant, more appreciative, more grateful, and less talkative.

11. Sleep early, rise early.
- I am not a morning person by nature. Now that my schedule is more flexible, I have to take extra effort to rise early as the benefits are countless.

12. Study.
- Spend more time to actively read, learn, update myself and further my knowledge. For my sake and for the sake of my patients (and students). “It is not enough to do your best; you must first know what to do, and then do your best” – W. Edwards Deming

Most important of all: Smile. Thou shalt not stress.

“Let us strive to improve ourselves, for we cannot remain stationary; one either progresses or retrogrades.” – Mme. Du Deffand

Indecision

You know what exhausts me the most? It’s not loads of work. It’s not traffic jams. It is INDECISION. Nothing can be more draining than mulling over a choice, especially if it entails choosing between good and good.

In my experience, it doesn’t have to be as life-changing as choosing one’s place of practice. Even mundane things such as which blouse to wear, or choosing whether I should go ahead with my errands today or tomorrow, never fail to zap me of my energy.

The thing becomes doubly hard when indecision is coupled with procrastination. Then it becomes much more of a burden. And guilt inevitably follows. And after I finally get to decide what to do, which to pick, or just to go ahead, jump in, and do whatever it is that needs to be done… the feeling of relief is so immense that I end up smacking myself on the forehead and saying, “So, it’s not that hard after all… silly me!”

Lessons From Our Daily Journal

Notes from my 2009 Our Daily Journey (before I finally put it away):

January 3
• Make a beaten pathway. Come to Me. Make it your practice to approach Me over and over again.
• Regardless of your situation, circumstances, or state of health, God is ready to work powerfully in you and through you.

January 6
• Attack problems, not people.

“You have heard that it has been said, ‘you must love your neighbor and hate those who hate you.’ But I tell you, love those who hate you. (Respect and give thanks to those who say bad things to you. Do good to those who hate you.) Pray for those who do bad things to you and who make it hard for you”.
- Matthew 5:43-44

• The secret of abundance is found not in what we have, but in what we enjoy (or are thankful for).

February 5
• Don’t pick fights.
• You can have the right convictions and be right on the issue, but your heart and your attitude can be wrong. There’s nothing uglier than someone with a right position but an arrogant attitude.

April 20
• Interruptions
• Although it is wise to plan, we need to be ready to accept God’s unexpected interruptions in our lives.

“For I know the plans I have for you… plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” – Jeremiah 29:11

• “You must remember that our God has all knowledge and all wisdom, and that, therefore, it is very possible He may guide you into paths wherein He knows great blessings are awaiting you, but which to the short-sighted human eyes around you seem sure to result in confusion and loss.” – Hannah Whitall Smith

April 29
• Get busy! You will know when you are using your gifts when you feel joy in your service, when others affirm your work, when your efforts bear fruit, and when you have energy for the task.

May 9
• Prayer to the soul is what exercise is to the body.
• The person who studies the Bible without praying will develop a good mind with a cold heart. The person who prays without knowing Scripture will consistently pray outside the will of God, for that is where His will is revealed.

May 13
• “Mourning may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning”. – Psalm 30:5

May 31
• Abundant Blessing
• Righteousness is shedding all of the things that make you miserable and embracing fully the path that God has laid out that leads to peace, joy, and fulfillment.
• If you are a loving, humble, giving person, filled with peace and joy, then you are one of the happiest people in the world indeed.

June 21
• What’s a stronghold? It’s something that consumes so much of our mental and emotional energy that abundant life is strangled – our callings remain unfulfilled and our lives are virtually ineffective.
• The goal of our warfare is to steal back our thought life and take it captive to Christ instead. (2 Cor 10:5)

July 9
• Commitment translates into faithfulness to Christ each moment of every day.

August 4
• Because we know God loves us, we are willing to accept His plan for us, even though that plan includes discipline and hard times.
November 30
• Life can be rushed… but you can slow it down. Remember – you set your own pace.

New Year, New Hope

There’s something inspiring and truly refreshing about the New Year. It brings along hope for the future. It offers a fresh start.

Today, I am determined to leave behind past hurts and heartaches. I will move on and not let unfair treatment and abuse cause any more pain. Right now I pause and pray for one particular person. I forgive her, and then ask God to forgive me. I take this step. I continue to move on. Each step brings me closer to brighter days.