Today, I became enlightened. Out of the blue, I told hubby that starting this month, I'll be taking care of the Meralco bill. Now, that felt good.

Home Sweet home

I cannot believe it’s been three and a half weeks since we’ve moved into our new home. Hubby and I are immensely grateful for this great blessing… I guess you can say it is our dream home for not too long ago all we could do was to dream about it. Praise God!

Which brings me to this/these other thing/s – boxes and boxes of stuff still waiting to be unpacked! All of us pitched in as we gradually unpacked the important stuff, mostly the kids’ clothes (and toys!) and kitchen things, some of my/hubby’s clothes, things that we really need to use everyday. But there’s so much more… the boxes of books that desperately need to be dusted and arranged on our brand new built-in bookshelves, my much-loved stash of school/office supplies, even my valuables that are meant to be stored in our locked drawers are stuck in one of our obscure-looking knapsacks and are begging to be unpacked.

The kids still have a blast from playing with dirt (soil) and touching each and every makahiya leaf. We love to stroll and visit one (or all) of the three pocket gardens that the developer has so generously provided for the village. The sounds of the kuligligs are still a thrill. And the bugs! I am still in awe of the countless species of insects that I have seen in and around our home. Thank goodness there have been no mosquitos nor cockroaches. But we’ve seen gamu-gamo, dragonflies, ladybugs, what looked like a weird praying mantis, a yellow-striped wasp-looking insect that kept building his home made of mud right on our front door (once, even on my car window!) and a lot more. Sadly, there are also houseflies… they come in usually at lunch time and swarm over our dining table… eew (I know).

Since we’ve moved here, it seems like I never run out of errands. Grocery shopping weekly. Palengke weekly (I am still ecstatic over this palengke; tilapia na humihinga pa, grabe. And fruits, fruits, fruits). Driving to the water station for refill. Bookstore, bookstore. Driving around here in this area south of Manila is a walk in the park compared to city-driving. I am enjoying every bit of it.

More stories soon!

Mindlessness

I finally got around to doing the groceries. Yesterday, I felt a sharp pang of guilt as I reached for our coffee canister only to find it empty. More so when I wanted to make some milk for the kids at breakfast and was told by our kasambahay, “Ate, wala na rin po”. Ayayay, what kind of a mother am I? Too busy the whole week and spent my free time working on frustrating and utterly useless crossword puzzles… honestly, spending bucks on booklets of puzzles to torture myself? Please remind me to smack myself on the forehead. Not to mention my mindless FB-ing (a.k.a. Facebook-ing)… aaargh.

This morning as I drove towards home from the supermarket, my youngest and I got entangled in a huge traffic jam. It was a beautiful morning, and I was proud because the little one was very much behaved. The jam was terrible and I had gotten pretty irked and allowed no one to drive past me. Sisingit-singit ka d’yan, gitgitan to the max! Thank heavens I was spared from a dent or scratch but as I sat there I thought to mysef – goodness, what creature have I turned myself into? How could I have turned from this neophyte driver whose armpits were drenched with sweat despite the airconditioning and who took much care and prayed with every turn and into this impatient, wreckless, arrogant witch? And in such a short span of time! Aaaack! Another smack on the forehead.

Enough! More mindfulness! More patience! More cool! Praise God for loving me in spite of.

Things are looking up.

It’s been eight days since the yayas have left without any warning. I’ve mopped floors and washed dishes and clothes and packed away toys and cooked and uncluttered and bathed kids and ironed clothes and just worked myself to bits. I yelled a lot and spanked some. My back ached. Thankfully, the kids watched TV for a couple of hours early this evening while hubby cooked. It afforded me some shut-eye.

Now I sit here at my desk and try to will myself to work on my upcoming lecture, thanks to hubby’s prodding/yelling. It’s okay. Everybody’s tired.

Tomorrow, the other (better) yaya is coming back. We managed to convince her to conquer her fear (of us) and work again to pay off the 2 weeks worth of salary she has taken in advance. I pray that she decides to stay. I pray for strength to forgive her and to move on.

Tomorrow, things will get better.

Pruning

We survived the day! ☺

Today… the past several days, actually… I underwent some much-needed pruning. (Yesterday, both of our yayas left for the province). These were days filled with many discoveries about myself, my family and kids, and my God.

No yayas. No cable TV (I just feel awful that I missed today’s very historic event - Tita Cory’s funeral… why did the cable service have to break down today of all days?). But we made it. I am not going to pretend that I breezed through it. But it is not as bad as I expected, as most things turn out.

I realized I kinda enjoy taking care of the kids’ needs. Cooking, feeding them, bathing them, getting their snacks ready, giving them their medications (isang damukal pa sa ngayon… eto medyo tough one kay bunxo). I always wondered what it must be like living abroad with no nanny. Parang imposible. Pero ngayon, I realize, kaya pala! One just needs some considerable amount of organization, planning, strategy, and maraming-maraming patience. I admit, I have been doing this only for the past 2 days so I cannot speak for the millions of women (or men) who do this on a daily basis. As in. Pero hindi imposible. If one were to do this day in, day out, there really has to be some provision, a set schedule, for some rest and alone-time. Kundi masisiraan ka ng bait.

It really helped that Tita A came at mid-morning. Though I did most of the chores during the day, she was there to attend to some of the kids’ tiny (and often, unreasonable) whims. That allowed me to stay sane and happy. Plus, her presence allowed me and hubby to take an afternoon nap; he came from the office for a meeting that lasted the whole morning and grabbed half an hour of sleep before another meeting (over the net, here at home). I also got a much-needed nap of a couple of hours. It allowed me to have the energy to run after the Little One during supper and for meds, and to wash the kids up… plus a million other things. Si Tita A din nag-mop ng floors bago s’ya maligo at mag-rest. Di siguro makatiis kasi nanlalagkit na sahig.

It still amazes me. While the 2 kids, hubby and Tita A went to Quirino Avenue to take a look at Cory’s funeral procession, I stayed behind with the Little One (who was taking a long nap). I thought I’d use some quiet time to study, read a few pages. But I got up and swept the floors. Grabe ipinawis ko. It felt really good. Sarap pawisan, lalo naramdam kong nagsisimula na ang pagtaba ko at bloatedness dahil sa steroids. When they came back, Ate said, "Mommy, I saw Daddy's friend, Tita Cory. She's dead". Kuya was not in a very good mood. I told him they were going to McDonald's to get fries - the only tactic I could think off to quickly pull him off the Little Einsteins DVD. I didn't want the kids to miss out on this piece of historic event. Hmmm, not a good tactic - lying to the kids (note to self).

After everybody had an afternoon snack of bread and pancit canton, Tita A and I fixed the kids’ beds, changed sheets. She swept the floor and I threw out their disgustingly dirty towels (ay, caramba! Ang mga yaya!) and replaced them with fresh ones. Supper was quite a challenge as usual. Hubby took care of feeding Kuya (who was a bit difficult today), Tita A fed Ate (she’s been very behaved… the best sa pag-inom ng gamot), and I of the Little One. Feeding the Little One involves a lot of cajoling, and chasing under the table… napapagtarayan ko na nga. But this is the first time ever that I felt, somehow… in control of the situation. I mean yung sa mga bata. Pag andito ang mga yaya, pag nagliligalig na sila, kailangan ko na ibigay sa kanila kasi either I am too tired or too lazy to deal with them or I really don’t know how else to handle them. Pero ngayon, I am beginning to take hold of the reins.

Si Little One, I’ve discovered, una-unahan lang pala. Kailangan at the first sight, first few minutes of a tantrum, medyo tataasan na ng boses and you have to remind her who the boss is around here. Once past that ‘critical’ phase, hay naku, there’s no more turning back. Her tantrum snowballs into one, big… basta. Matatabunan ka na lang. Medyo kamay na bakal dapat ang dating.

Kuya needs to be treated differently. Pag pinagalitan s’ya, basta any sign na displeased ka sa kanya, bad trip na s’ya at lalong nagmi-misbehave. Away kami ng away today ‘cause I refused to let him get away with things like deliberately pouring water on the table or playing with his cup during the meal. Iba s’ya. Dapat reverse psychology, inaamo-amo ng konti.

Si Ate, kailangan lang ng positive reinforcement. A lot of it. She behaves really well but needs to be trusted and to be praised. Yun lang pag meron s’yang demand, you have to learn how to negotiate. Buti nga mas nakakausap na s’ya ngayon. She is a very strong person, makusa, go-getter. Nakakatuwa. Kailangan lang tutukan pa.

Oh my, ako ba ito? Just a month ago, I saw on TV si Maricel Laxa-Pangilinan saying how her kids are very different. Kaya iba-iba daw ang approach. Pag nakakarinig ako ng ganun, I tend to be cynical… may konting resistance, as in… hay naku, eto na naman ang mga super moms na ito. Naiinis ako siguro kasi it reminds me of my weaknesses and shortcomings when it comes to motherhood… of how much more there is I need to learn. Ngayon, maski papaano at gaano kaliit, may nasasabi na din ako.☺

Saw the two kids’ schoolbags which have been left lying around for several days. It shocked me to find how terribly dirty those bags were. Naawa ako bigla sa mga bata. At napahiya ako sa sarili ko. Bigla ko naisip na nung bata ako napaka-suwerte ko at asikasong-asikaso ako ni Mommy. Naisip ko rin, ano kaya ang iniisip ng mga teachers nila, nakakahiya. Yung bag ni Kuya ang kalat-kalat ng loob at meron pang naiwan na pagkain. Ilang ulit na bilin ko na sa yaya to make sure walang food left in the bag every day. Wala pa rin. Yung kay Ate, susme, nanlalagkit na ang loob, pati raincoat nya kasi meron naiwan na natunaw na candy at meron pang cupcake na may kagat na ng daga. Grabe talaga. Pinaglalabhan ko nga.

As I scrubbed the bags, I felt a bit angry at the yayas for not taking care of these things. Naiinis ako at sabi ko kay Tita A, kalian kaya ako makakahanap ng mga yaya na efficient na hindi na kailangang pauli-ulit turuan. Pero I realized din naman na hindi ko talaga magagawa ang mga iba pang bagay na kailangang gawin (specifically, pagdo-doktor) na walanag tulong nila. At di ko naman matatawaran ang kanilang pagmamahal at concern sa mga bata. Trustworthy sila, di kagaya nung isang umalis nung May.., hay naku.

Biglang sabi ni Tita A na ang sinasabi daw lagi ni Daddy dati pag meron nagrereklamo tungkol sa maid, “Kaya nga katulong e, tutulong lang sila sa’yo. Magiging katulong ba naman ‘yan kung mas madami pang alam?” It struck me. (Two years after his death, meron pa rin ako natututunan kay Daddy). So as I rinsed the bags, I made a resolve to be more hands-on even with the little things. Kahit na nasabihan na ng ilang ulit ang mga yaya, kailngan nache-check. Nire-remind. Kino-correct. Ang mali ko ay yung I become too lazy to correct them kasi sa isip ko parati, baka umalis pa ay lalo akong mahirapan.

Medyo nakaka-miss lang si hubby kasi parating busy sa kusina ang isa sa amin or plakda/tulog habang may ginagawa ang isa. Di ko man lang nalalambing. Buti na lang mabait ang asawa ko at matulungin dito sa bahay. Salamat sa Diyos.

Hay. Kung puede lang na mag stay-at-home na lang ako. Okay lang sa akin. Pero di naman puede. Kanina, I was surprised to find hubby reading my book “Simplify Your Work Life”. He liked the idea of a 32-hour work week and I can sense him wishing his job were a bit more like that (his current, new role is quite demanding). Sabi ko sa kanya, ilang taon na sa akin ang libro na yan, gusting-gusto ko pero sayang kasi di ko naman ma-apply sa akin (after having spent years as a trainee working incredibly long hours). He said, sa'yo nga yan bagay kasi doktor ka. Kaya mong hawakan ang oras mo. I realized, oo nga. I have a choice! I can manage my time wisely. It doesn’t mean magpapaka-slacker ako sa pagdo-doktor pero at least yung maging reasonable ang clinic hours ko. Actually, I intend not to hold clinic on Saturdays, para sa pamilya naman. Masayang-masaya ako to hear it straight from hubby. I hope God would teach me/show me how to do it. After all, this is life. My family is my life. Sabi nga dun sa isang nabasa ko, “Life is not a dress rehearsal”. We cannot always be preparing for something that is to come. This is life!

Back to my health concerns… malakas pa din ang tinnitus ko. Extra loud sya today. Mabuti na lang at busy kaya tuloy hindi ko na lang napapansin minsan. Mawawala pa kaya ito? I just put my trust in God with regards to my exam and my health. Hinihiling ko pa rin na ipasa N’ya ako at alisin ang ingay sa tenga ko. Pero ayoko na masyadong ma-stress kasi hindi naman makakatulong at lalo lang akong nagiging miserable.

Ayoko lang ngayon etong lagi akong parang meron after taste in my mouth. Siguro epekto ng flu. At dahil din siguro sa dami ng gamot na iniinom ko. Parang mapait parati. Meron na din ako sipon (yellow, how apt). Which makes my ears feel even weirder kasi may tinnitus na sa kaliwa, meron pang aural fullness (dati pa), at nadagdagan pa ng iba pang klaseng fullness dahil sa sipon.

And I really, really miss coffee at maaalat na tsitsirya. Sorry, Lord ha, makulit ako. Unti-unting inaalis ni Lord yung mga gawain kong hindi healthy kasi alam N’ya na makakasama sa akin in the future. Hindi madali… para akong halaman na pinu-prune pakonti-konti. Inaalis ang mga patay na dahon o mga sangang wala sa tamang posisyon. Hindi talaga madali. But I just have to trust my Gardener na He knows what’s best for me. Para gumanda pa ang tubo ko, tuluyang yumabong, at tumibay ang ugat.

Things I learned over the long weekend

The earlier part of my day was filled with anger, hurt, resentment, and fatigue. I was anxious and lacked trust in God. I gave in to my proud, self-righteous self and it resulted in a confrontation that hurt the other person, and more so, myself.

A few hours after, I have started to speak to our nanny, albeit still a little cold and business-like. There are things I learned from what has transpired, not only today, but these past three days when the yayas were off and hubby and I were left to take care of the kids:

·It’s good to be left with the kids sometimes. Surely, it stretched my patience to its limits (and beyond) and mealtimes were never that easy. But we got to know them a little more and discovered their different quirks. We knew a little more of our children.
·The yayas are very important. No use kidding myself or being proud saying we can survive without them. We can’t! Heck, I am exaggerating a bit here; we can survive but it would be extremely tough for us and the kids. Parents who are tired and stressed and yelling all the time - not good!
·I learned how true it is, this thing that Mommy tells me. Sometimes it is better to be loving than to be right. I may think (or even know) that I am doing the right thing but being too puffed up does not always lead to happiness and peace. Sometimes, it’s better to be forgiving than to be right. To not sweat the small stuff.
·Having the in-laws over is never a bad thing. They are easy-going, kind people who are not very hard to please. They are family.
·One more thing: you’ll never know when a term, pregnant woman is going to give birth. Not even if her cervix has been 1 cm dilated for more than 10 days. There’s just no way of knowing. One learns to wait. And wait. And pray. And wait.

A bad parent

There are days when I feel like a failure as a parent. Today was one of those. Now, let’s not talk about days when I feel like a bad wife or else we’ll be talking the whole night.

And now for the excuses…

… I actually have none. The yayas went home for a break yesterday mid-morning. Yesterday was okay. Today was not. I yelled (a lot), I spanked some, and I rolled my eyeballs. I also walked out and threw things. Writing it down right now makes it even worse to me. It appears as though I am the preschooler having one of my worst tantrums. Hay. Will the kids ever forgive me? More importantly, will the kids ever forget?

I am a work in progress. Rather, I’m like one of those DPWH projects with a sign that says, “Caution: Men Working” when everyone sees and knows that no work is ever being done. It’s really bad. I want to run to the kids’ room right now and give each of them a kiss and really tight hugs. But that would wake them up and hubby might get mad ‘cause it took a while for him to make the kids go to sleep.

I feel stressed, tired, worried, and not happy. I am way behind my review timetable. The yayas did not come back today as they promised. My sister still has not given birth. As to my readings, I have been stuck in the same topic for the 3rd day today And tomorrow, my in-laws are coming over and hubby invited them to have breakfast here and I don’t know when the yayas are coming and so we have to prepare them a decent meal and the in-laws might see me at my worst. Heaven, help me! Lord, please come to my rescue. Please help me be a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter, a better daughter-in-law, a better employer, and a better student/examinee.

Dying to one's self

Being a mother and a wife is not that easy. It entails dying to one’s self. It means letting go of some of one’s habits and quirks, the ones that you’ve embraced while growing up (old).

I am a bit obsessive-compulsive about my things. I am not exactly a neat freak like Martha Stewart but I know where my things are. And I know when someone took it and failed to put it back where it belongs. My husband knows this and I realize now what a pain in the neck I can be sometimes when I bug him endlessly about having to put the nailclipper in the third drawer on the left side of our dresser. Not on top of the dresser. Not in the second drawer. It should remain exactly where it is supposed to be. I like knowing where my things are and I know it drives him crazy sometimes. He is the type who, having come home from work, just throws all his keys, wallet, eyeglasses, cellphone at the first most convenient spot then runs around in the morning trying to figure out where his stuff are. I bought him a tiny basket where he can dump in all his things so he knows exactly where to find them. To no avail. (Now that basket holds our numerous chargers – laptop, PDA, phones, etc.)

I have a pencil case that holds my highlighter, a pencil, a very trusty sharpener, and my favorite eraser, among other things. (Mind you, it is hard to find a trusty sharpener). Anyway, I use these daily because I am in the process of reviewing for an upcoming certifying/board exam. My kids - a toddler and two preschoolers - are fascinated by my things. They have dozens of pencils and a few sharpeners and erasers strewn all over the house. But my 4-year-old daughter just loves my plain, blue, old eraser. I tried giving her a bright red pencil with eraser… didn’t want it. I offered her a mickey mouse pencil. She didn’t want it. Finally, I went to the bookstore and bought each of my kids a nice eraser… one that’s extra nice for my four-year-old… it’s glittery and shaped like a pretty butterfly. That didn’t work either.

She just kept on ransacking my pencil case and it drove me crazy every single day.

I have now come to terms with it and said to myself that it’s time to choose my battles and that I am one crazy woman for going nuts over one silly eraser. Now I let her take it whenever she pleases so long as she puts it back where it belongs.

Now, where the heck is my yellow highlighter?

Not a very good day

I am struck at how small things can make me feel discontent and forget about being grateful for all my blessings.

Today is the first day in a week that I do not need to go anywhere. I woke up happily feeling relaxed. Slowly, I regained my momentum and finished going over a few chapters for my review. Short chapters but at least I’m making progress.

While Kuya and Ate were at school, the Little One stayed with me the whole morning. Ours is a love-hate relationship. Away-bati. Para kaming aso’t pusa. Time and again she would stretch my patience to its limits and then transform back into this sweet little girl so I can wallow in guilt while allowing my patience to recoil. This happened several times the whole morning. I felt silly for allowing myself to be pestered, challenged, frustrated and manipulated by a toddler. Hubby did not believe me at first when I told him that our Little One can be quite a handful; he said it’s just a phase that all kids have to go through. But it took him half a day spent with her before he realized that it can really be a tough challenge sometimes.

It also irked me when I got down and saw that our veranda was strewn with clutter. Not kids’ mess, mind you, but the yayas’ mess! Manicure sets, towels, romance pocketbooks, arrgh. Mukha kaming squatter and it’s right in front of our house.

This afternoon, after a very brief cat nap, I relaxed, took a long bath and washed and conditioned my hair. I then rounded up Kuya and Ate to go over their lessons for their last day of exams tomorrow. I do not do this so that they can get high scores. I do it to make them familiar with the upcoming questions because I don’t want them to feel panicky when they see activities that were last done 3 months ago and have long-been forgotten. I believe they are smart and so all I have to do is to boost their confidence by familiarizing them a little so they can better answer their tests.

It bugged me that, as I was reviewing them, the fish kept frying in the kitchen with no one watching over them. It was over low fire, the nanny said, and she was making them crisp. To me it felt like too long a time for the fish to be left unwatched like that. I couldn’t hide my disagreement and said that it may be the reason why we were always eating soggy, tough, fried food. Should I have left these unsaid, I now wonder. Sigh.

And then Ate and the Little One fought loudly over a hairband which was on Little One’s head first but which Ate claimed was a prize she got from her classmate’s party, therefore, rightfully hers. There was much bawling and yelling. Later, Kuya was also yelling and crying his head off because the Little One got his pencil, too. And that was when I realized that my newly-shampooed hair now reeks of fried fish. I grabbed the hairband and went upstairs. Grrr.

So I come up here, typing away in fury. These are very little, very silly things, I know and I let them affect me! Just one day at home and I’m going nuts. This will pass. It shall pass. One day, they will grow up and there will be no more screaming and bawling. I might miss this.

Addendum (after a few hours):

I’ve chatted with hubby on FB, eaten chippy and flat tops, watched The Practice… but this pervasive feeling of sadness and disappointment remains. Why? I feel inadequate as a Mom, I guess. I wake up and read my humongous book while the Little One sits on my bed watching TV the whole morning. That is after tha yayas have given the kids their baths, fed them, and brought Kuya and Ate to school. The two come home from school, the three get fed by their yayas again and then brought to bed to take their afternoon nap. They wake up, get merienda from their yayas (or from me, though seldom) and then they come running through my bedroom door and demand to be allowed to watch their CD of preference. I read my book, they watch. They ask questions, I nod. I give them hugs and kisses occasionally. They fight, I yell. Then it’s time for supper, the yayas feed tham, wash them, put them to bed.

What have I contributed to the growth and welfare of my kids? Nothing.

Oh, I did go over their lessons with them for maybe 15 minutes or so each. Does that count? They don’t even enjoy it.

Minsan, parang wala akong kwentang ina. They don’t deserve me and I do not deserve to have them.

Lord, please help me. I know this is not of Your working. If it is, maybe I really do need to take stock of things and do something about it. Read them a story, feed them, bathe them. Why is it so difficult sometimes? Is it because of my upcoming exam?

I remember being pregnant with the Little One and having then 2-year-old Kuya and 1-year-old Ate with no yaya around. We were at my parents' house and I took care of the two. It wasn’t easy, I must admit. Hours passed by so quickly. Feeling the relief of having bathed them in the morning was the highlight of my day. But I felt good about what I was doing. Tired. But good.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day. Lord, teach me. Help me become a good Mom to my 3 beloved kids. Help me enjoy their youth while we still have it.

Mommy, Your Table Is Messy

We have this old, huge desk in our bedroom. It has served us well for the past years but I have been meaning to have it replaced by a smaller, space-saving, equally efficient cheap desk from the mall. We never got around to doing it.

I never realized that paper can accumulate so quickly! For the past 3 months, I have attended two conventions, gained a few more must-read books, brought 2 or 3 magazines and have been too lazy to sort the pile. Before I knew it, I did not have enough space to put my book on, much less my laptop. "So, that's why I never got to study", I reasoned out in my head. I simply had no space!

After much dillying and dallying, I finally got hubby to buy me one of those long plastic storage boxes that are meant to be stored under the bed. When Kuya asked me what it was for, I told him that I was planning to clean up my desk and store some of my books in the box. Being very makulit and bossy sometimes, my son took it upon himself to remind me everyday that I had to fix the books because "Mommy, your table is messy". On Saturday, I promised.

The following Saturday, I had to go to the hospital to make rounds until past lunchtime. Having gotten home after a loooong week at work, I thought I deserved to rest and waste some precious time watching TV. Kuya came along and reminded me that it was Saturday and I had to fix my mess.

I realized that if I didn't get up and carry out my resolution as promised, it may ruin my son for the rest of his life. So, I dragged myself out of bed, stared at my mess, stared at my bookshelves, and tried to figure out... what in the world have I gotten myself into? This took quite a while. The moment I started it though, my momentum became full force and I couldn't stop lifting, moving, dusting, filing, sorting, throwing away things. I found old bills, old receipts, old grocery lists, partially-read mags... I had to resist sitting down and reading them again.

When I finished after almost three hours, I realized that I didn't really need to have the new storage box because I had enough space on my desk and shelf. It just needed a lot of organizing. So there I sat, grinning at my newly fixed desk. It's amazing how great it felt having finally dealt with several months' worth of clutter. Now, I have space where I can place my bookstand, laptop, snacks. It felt great! No more excuses not to study. I firmly resolve to make important decisions as soon as I get my hands on things... should I file this, should I throw it, do I really need to keep it?

So, now I really, really need to start getting down to reading and studying. So, what am I doing here blogging?