Dear Lord,

Today I’ve met with some of my colleagues. Some were much older and ”senior”. A handful were quite younger but have started their practice way before I started mine.

As I spoke with hubby about how my day went, he noticed that I was making comments about how ‘big-time’ so-and-so already is. That is, ‘big’ enough such that their hotel accommodations for the convention have been graciously sponsored by pharmaceutical companies. When I made those comments, it didn’t occur to me that I was comparing myself to others. To hubby, it appeared as if I was whining about how slow my career was going and he remarked that maybe I should reconsider my decision re choosing not to practice in any of the big hospitals in the metropolis.

It was also today, as I came home after a long day, that the yaya welcomed me by saying that this hospital called and was reminding me about my contract re their acceptance of my application as visiting physician.

Lord, can You please help me out? I am a bit confused. When I made the decision to concentrate on the hospitals that were relatively near our soon-to-be home, I felt confident that it was the right decision. I justified it by telling myself that in limiting my practice like so, I was making the decision to make my family, especially my little kids, my number one priority.

You, oh Lord, know the inner workings of my heart best. Did I really make these decisions because I really held my family important above all else? Or was it a decision borne out of my laziness and my fear of failure? Was it only because I am too scared to step out of the boundaries of my comfort zone? Did I choose this path not because I thought it was best but because I thought it was the easiest?

I search my heart yet cannot find the answers. Only you, my Creator, know best.

You know that I long to have some degree of success in my professional life. That I desire to be of help and comfort to as many patients as possible is already a given. But I also long for a career that would afford me and my family some of the comforts I dream of. I look at some of my colleagues with a little bit of envy as they tell stories of which hotel they were billeted in, or of how the other one did not need to fall in (a really long) line just to get a free copy of the MIMS because the med rep delivers it right to the doorstep of her clinic. Two words. Big. Time.

Yet I also long for a life that will enable me to attend PTA meetings, to help kids with their homework, to exercise and run around our village or do yoga, to spend time in my little joys like working on crossword puzzles or doing cross-stitching, or a future activity that I hope to learn and enjoy – tend to our little garden.

Is it possible? Or do I need to give up this very idea of fence-sitting and make a firm decision re which path to take?

Help me, Lord. Please enlighten me. Hold me by the hand and lead the way. Right now I pray for patience and let You do Your work and unfold the life that You’ve always meant me to live and enjoy. Let me live a full life, oh Lord. Bless me and my family always. Bless me and my work. In Jesus’ name. Amen.