Please spare me a moment to rant...

Am all alone at home, hubby, the kids and their ates are out-of-town swimming together with the in-laws to celebrate grandma’s birthday. I was tossing and turning the whole night because of an ugly, intermittently throbbing, left-sided headache. I could have come with them today but I desperately wanted to end this pain that has been dragging on and off for the past three days.

Don’t you just get tired of all this talk about my ailment? I know I do. But this offers my only respite. I exert the best effort to keep myself from complaining as much as I would’ve wanted to, to hubby or to my mom. Too much negative energy and whining makes me think Francis Kong’s joke (heard in one of his talks) may have been written for me: ‘Some people brighten up a room just by leaving it’.

My doctor had started me on a new drug last week. The headache still comes and goes but last Thursday, I was happy to tell hubby that I thought my tinnitus was becoming less loud, less intrusive. It was evident that hubby was very happy to hear this bit of news.

Sadly, this comforting phase didn’t last that long. We went to a friend’s son’s birthday party yesterday and the music was unbearably loud. Loud music + terrible speakers = torture to my ears. Even the other folks whom I assume weren’t suffering from ear conditions complained. I had no control over the situation. My ear plugs, aside from not doing much to mask the noise, left me feeling silly and self-conscious. I hid them back in purse a minute after I tried them on.

As we left the party, my headache worsened and dragged on into the night. My ears felt a bit ‘deaf’ and ‘full’, like a cup was being held over each of them. And my tinnitus reverted back into its loud, high-pitched, relentless state.

Back to normal.

Note to Self

Dear Me:

Tandaan!
Coffee… bawal.
Chocolate… bawal.
Maalat - includes chippy, piattos (lahat ng chips, okay?), toyong sawsawan… bawal.
Pati decaffeinated na kape… bawal (umaasim na nga t’yan mo sa dami ng gamot).

‘Wag na tigas ulo, okay?
Para sa kabutihan mo rin lahat ng ‘to.

Conscientiously yours,
Me

P.S. This was written after I rejoiced after noting that my vertigo had improved, after which I devoured a pack of clover chips in minutes, after which I began to feel light-headed again. Sigh. Sorry na, St. Jude.

T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E

Only eight days to go before the big exam and I am here, stuck in a hospital room feeling… terrible.

I still have the tinnitus. Now, not just my ear but my whole head feels fuller than ever. Throbbing. Buti na lang nabawasan na ang sakit sa tenga ko with the pain relievers. But I have vertigo, a huge headache, generalized myalgia, blurring of vision, plus palpitations na mukhang side effects ng Acyclovir infusion.

Gusto ko na lang tiisin kasi I want to get better really soon… Naghahabol ng oras. Ayoko sanang mag-complain but I really, really feel T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E.

Lord, I beg You to have mercy on me. Please pull me out of this pit.

Now, it has a name...

So. It looks like it’s Varicella Zoster Oticus. Finally, this ‘condition’ has a name. It’s been getting worse and it relieves me to know that there’s hope for it to resolve. But it worries me that I might not be well enough in time for the exam (just 9 days to go!).

I have been turning in my bed; couldn’t get to sleep. The ringing in my ear; the fullness; the dull, aching pain; and, the sharp pain on the pinna. Plus on and off hyposthesia on the left half of my face. Just resting my left ear on the pillow really hurts, too. Kahit nga rustle lang of air from the electric fan. Grabe.

The pain though provides some comfort because it keeps me from thinking too much. I simply can’t think.

After three hours of tossing and turning, I’ve decided… enough of this! I am going to take charge of the situation. So I got up, got myself some Becky’s brownies and a glass of water and started packing, just in case Dra. decides it’s better for me to receive the anti-viral intravenously. No use adding extra burden on the people here at home. For sure, with the yayas not coming back until Saturday, they will have their hands full.

I thank God for my mom who’s coming over early this morning to help us out with the kids. And for her driver who always makes himself available to Mommy - kahit last-minute. Of course, my Tita… seems like she has to spend her birthday with us and the three kulits. And hubby. Dear, dear hubby. Despite the demands and stress of his work, he always supports me and comforts me in every way possible.

It's not too bad

The day is turning out to be not too bad.

Cooked tinola for lunch. I forgot to take out the innards and to chop the thighs into halves and it came out a little bland (which was good for me and my low-salt diet) and too greasy. But the kids loved it… they were profuse with thanks, so dahil sa kanila… panalo! Hay, sarap.

The three kids and I and the nanny all ate at the table (the other nanny went home this morning to the province); we took turns feeding the girls when they started to play with their food. The little one was quite a handful towards the end, especially when it was time for their cough medications but we survived. I took care of cleaning up the kitchen and washing the dishes while the she cleaned them up and brushed their teeth.

** As I type this, our nanny knocked on the door to tell me that the Kuya’s nose is bleeding profusely. Found him sitting up on the bed, holding a bloody old shirt up to his nose. It was coming out of his right nostril. We applied ice and put pressure on his nasal bridge until the bleeding stopped. He’s been having epistaxis 2 to 3x a year since he was about two and a half years old. It must have been triggered by the inflammation due to the flu. Whew.

Back to after lunch. It was quiet after the kids have been put to bed for their afternoon nap. I filled up my stock of cucumber spa scrub in the bathroom and prepared to take a shower. As I stood in the shower, lathering up, I realized how painfully loud the tinnitus is when everything around me is so quiet. It dawned on me: I will have to start getting used to it with no music nor TV in the background to try to mask it. I might have to take the exam with tinnitus and have to start getting used to the noise as I read and think and concentrate.

It's a beatiful morning!

I took a nap from midnight to 3 AM, and then stayed up until 6:30 AM to read and study some, to surf the net, and be with the little boy - meds, spongebath, plenty of water, some biscuits, and gave in to every whim. He wanted his pillow turned every so often as he said they become too hot for his head, and requested for the fan, then the aircon, then the fan again… he asked for his blanket to wrapped around his feet, etc. I then gargled warm saline as I have begun sneezing and my throat felt sore and, then went back to bed and heard the rain pouring hard as I slept.

At 9 AM, the sun came out as I ate my breakfast and took my medications. The two girls have finished their breakfast and were up and bright, sharing a pack of Super Thins while watching Nick Jr. The little boy was able to eat and keep down his breakfast, and has agreed to wash up. Hubby was downstairs working on his computer, contemplating whether he should go to the office to get some important files or not, while we delegated cooking assignments. I have been tasked to cook tinola for lunch and he volunteered to take charge of supper. The tinnitus still keeps me company but I have gotten quite accustomed to it; it becomes more tolerable when I am relaxed.

Thank You, Lord. Now I am off to study. Have to read as much as I can before the viral infection manifests all out. Paspaaaas! ☺

Under Attack

Things have been quite crazy around here with hubby and the kids getting sick. Now, I finally get some quiet time as the whole household takes the afternoon nap. Quiet time, yes. Peace? I am not sure. When everything is quiet, it seems like the perfect time for me to finally concentrate and read and prepare for my upcoming exam. But it is during these silent times that this tinnitus in my left ear is at its loudest and highest frequency (pitch). Bearable but distressing. Now there is no one to keep me company but the hum of the fan and the hissing in my ear, I feel scared, threatened and bogged down by worry.

The little one fell ill this morning. Her lips were dry and hubby and I took turns giving her her sponge bath. It calmed her and put her to sleep. Thankfully, her fever subsided and she was able to eat her lunch and play a little afterwards. I can see that hubby was feeling quite distraught; I can sense, though he would never say so, some guilt on his part for having passed on the virus to the kids (he went on a trip to some other parts of Southeast Asia about a week ago. But of course, there is no one to blame here.


Also this morning, the sister of one of our nannies called to say that their mother has become very ill again. The mother was losing her sight and was unable to eat and get up from her bed. I had no hesitation about letting her go home if she wants to. But I was quite anxious about being left here with a sick household and an exam that is hurling itself towards me. This is the little one’s favorite nanny and when she’s sick she tends to be extra clingy, as all kids do. I may have to call up my trusty aunt again to ask for her help. I will have to do the cooking but that’s alright as long as I get an extra pair of hands to take charge of the kids.

Again, I was up and about until dawn because the tinnitus plus the steroids kept sleep at bay. As I was beginning to feel my lids getting heavy at past 3, I turned off the study lamp and placed the remote control on the desk. That’s when I felt that my study desk was dripping wet! It was raining hard but that was the first time my desk has ever gotten wet. Hubby and I were puzzled and couldn’t figure out where the water came from. I felt helpless and frustrated as I picked up my books and notes, especially my treasured hipster PDA. No, not “hi-tech”… it is actually nothing but a bunch of 3 x 5 index cards held together by a carabiner. But it held some of my important notes… it took a considerable amount of time and effort just to make notes that I needed to memorize for the exam. It also contained my time table - a list of must-reads for the remaining 2 weeks. Admittedly, I have become so obsessive-compulsive about these index cards of mine. They helped to keep me sane. And they were soaked. So there I was, scrambling about at the crack of dawn, oh-so carefully peeling off each card, one at a time. I was so distressed because some of my notes were written in pencil. I laid them one by one on a cardboard folder on top of the TV, making sure that they were still arranged in order. I opened my drawer and began to get my blank cards, and began to replace the ones that were too wet to save. I can see that hubby thought it strange to watch me sitting on the bed in the dead of night, working on a fresh batch of index cards using my single-hole puncher (“wow, meron ka pala n‘yan?”). It must have taken him some effort to keep from shaking his head at me and teasing me about my freakishness. And I appreciate that. Thankfully, the cards, aside from being a bit wrinkly, were salvageable. I was spared of the time it would have required for me to rewrite everything. You know I would (wink).

I got a little carried away with that story about the index cards. Anyway, it somehow felt like I was under attack. Even the other nanny said to me, as we were cracking the crabs and gathering the meat for lunch, “Ang sama po ng ating weekend ngayon, Ate.” But I refuse to be dragged down into the pits by these “little” inconveniences. As long as the kids get well soon, and hubby recovers his energy, I would be alright. Getting rid of this tinnitus would be a definite big help.

Lord, please help me. Konti na lang po at makakaraos na ako sa exam na ito. Wag N’yo po akong hayaang ma-challenge ng sobra-sobra kasi baka hindi ko kayanin. Alam ko You have the best plan laid out for me. Come to my rescue!

Introducing my constant companion... tinnitus!

For the last twenty-four hours, I have been battling with this constant high-pitched ringing/hissing in my left ear. It sounds like the noise a microphone makes when it gets too close to the speaker. Or like those high-pitched, non-stop sounds certain bugs make in the dark. There’s also this sensation of fullness, pretty much like having a cup over my ear. When I get up from sitting or from bed, or when I make sudden motions with my head, I feel light-headed, similar to the sensation one gets when you’ve been in the ocean for too long and you get out of the water but still sense the waves gently pushing you back and forth. No… that’s much too pleasant. It feels more like the feeling I get after I’ve drunk more than 2 bottles of beer (or its equivalent).

I know it’s not that bad compared to what other people have to deal with. I am not in pain. I can still move around and am happy to stay independent in my daily chores. I still have my appetite, and it’s expected to, ahem, be ‘enhanced’ in the next couple of days because of the steroids I’m taking. Upon my sister and husband’s advice, I am forced to take the day off of my review and try not to stress myself, as studies have shown that Meniere’s can be stress-related (what illness isn’t, anyway?).

So, it sure is not life-threatening but it has forced me to move outside of my comfort zone and to rearrange some of my plans. After having spent almost 8 hours of ‘hard labor’ at the library yesterday, I was eager to do the same amount of studying today. No can do. The doctor has also advised me to limit my salt intake. Now, that is a tough one! Despite the odds, it is a resolve I intend to keep; a resolution I made after my sister and I had KFC hot and crispy for lunch (one last hirit!).


For now I have kept myself busy, typing and whining and trying my best to forget about the exam for a few more hours. I take a deep breath. And let go and let God.