As the deer

Psalm 42:1-8

As the deer desires rivers of water, so my soul desires You, O God.
Why are you sad, o my soul? Why have you become troubled within me? Hope in God, for I will praise Him again for His help of being near me.

It is but human to feel sad and worried sometimes.
I, in particular, am prone to falling into short (two days to a week) periods of being weepy and feeling depressed. This is especially true in the days before my monthly period comes… people in our household can sense it as I turn into this melancholy, self-pitying girl who cries at the slightest annoyance OR into this ill-tempered monster who is ready to bite your head off with the tiniest provocation. Sigh. Surely, I am not proud of it. I am working on it. There is no promise to totally change into a saint overnight but I try to make the “attacks” farther and farther in between.

I put my hope in God for His help is near me… as in, andyan lang sa tabi-tabi, pag kailangan ko S’ya.

Temper, temper

Today is Ash Wednesday. Went to mass at 12nn at the chapel nearby, prayed the rosary (tagal nang hindi) and had my ash on my forehead. Skipped lunch as I was trying to adhere to “one full meal a day” as mentioned by the priest. Sadly, I was not able to resist opening my big pack of chippy come mid-afternoon. And as if that were not enough, I ate a heap of Flat Tops tonight fast. So much for fasting.

While praying in the chapel, I contemplated on my many weaknesses and made a promise to God and myself that as an offering to Him, I will do my best to keep my temper especially when dealing with the kids (and hubby and the yayas, too). Definitely not easy. Just this afternoon, the Little One went out of her way to make sure she (repeatedly!) irked me by touching, rearranging, messing around with my book, highlighters, review paraphernalia. She holds up a pen, strikes a pose – as if she is about to make a big doodle on my book – and looks over her shoulder to make sure I see her. Sigh. I warn… she does it again. I give a second warning, my voice slightly raised… she does it again. I give a third warning – with an even louder voice… she does it again! Not until I yell and stomp my feet and motion to her that I’m bringing her down to the step (for a time-out) that she stops. By then I would be mad, tired, and frustrated, not only at her but at myself as well.

On a brighter note, shea was kind enough to put up with me while I watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. She laid quietly in my arms, hugging me once in a while, asking a few questions (why is the baby crying?), then decided to go downstairs because she was bored and more than ready for her snack.

Kuya and Ate never cease to amaze me every day with the things they say. Marunong na magkwento. Kuya brought home a perfectly scored schoolwork on things that start with the letter J; says he got a “smiling lightbulb” for it. Ate was excitedly telling me (with big, round eyes) that their school snack had ants “Winow (You know) Mommy, our snack had ants”. Oh… did she eat them, I asked? “NO!” looking so disgusted that I asked such a thing ;)

I’ve been slowly making progress on my review. Finished reading Part II and am about to start Chapter 19. Quite a feat for me considering that it’s been a long time since I last studied hard like this (January of 2005). Not that of a feat considering that my goal is to read all 132 chapters of my book twice over before the exam in July. That plus a few review books/test questionnaires and the review for my practical exam. Go forth steadily and surely… one day at a time. In the meantime, I have to see tonight’s episode of CSI (new season). I can see my guardian angel striking her/himself on the forehead… tigas ulo nitong batang ito!

On Suffering

Psalm 9: 1-14

9The Lord also keeps safe those who suffer. He is a safe place in times of trouble.
10Those who know Your name will put their trust in You. For You, O Lord, have never left alone those who look for You.

Lord, I get anxious and frightened whenever I see words such as “suffer” and “trouble” in the readings. Satan puts silly thoughts in my head… things like – “If you get too close to God, be ready because He’s going to test You to see how far You can go. Be ready to suffer or else don’t get too close”. Lord God, help me! Please banish these evil thoughts. I know that You are my Father and Savior. You love me more than anyone can ever do. Teach me to be not afraid. Help me put my trust in You. Help me to love You more. You never leave alone those who put their trust in You. Amen.

Psalm 9:1-12

6Remember, the man who plants only a few seeds will not have much grain to gather. The man who plants many seeds will have much grain to gather.

Off to work/study I go.

On God and Science

Psalm 37:1-7

Trust in the Lord, and do good. So you will live in the land and will be fed.
Be happy in the Lord. And He will give you the desires of your heart. Rest in the Lord and be willing to wait for Him.

I felt a tug in my heart as I read these verses. I feel that I am at a crossroads in my life right now. From where I stand, I see a multitude of roads… boy, am I blessed to have these many options. The opportunities are endless! Sadly, I do not know which way to go. One thing is sure – I long for a life of peace, simplicity and comfort (is it possible? I think it is!), and happiness with my loved ones. Having good friends won’t hurt.

And because I do not know which road to take, I find great comfort in these verses knowing that God knows all the desires of my heart. I just have to put my complete trust in Him. Stand still. Do not fret. Be happy! Napakabait mo, Lord. Pinag-aantay mo na nga lang ako, gusto mo pa rested at happy ako. Salamat po, Lord. I am sorry for times when I allow myself to wallow in sadness, self-pity, and negativity. Remind me that though my heart needs to rest and be still, I do need to “do good” and study and do my best to prepare for the exam (and everything else) that lies ahead. Amen.

Stop being angry. Turn away from fighting. Do not trouble yourself.

Oh Lord, please help me keep my temper, to hold back my tongue when it is dying to lash out. Smoothen the furrows on my forehead. Let me turn away from mindless fighting, arguing, and nagging. Let me not trouble myself. Thank You, Lord. Amen.

Mark 9:14-29 A boy with a demon is healed

As I read today’s gospel reading, I thought that probably this boy has been born with epilepsy. The reading said that the boy had been like that “from the time that he was a child (verse 21)” and that “…it threw the boy down and came out of him. The boy was so much like a dead man… (verse 26)”. Looks like that the boy has been having generalized clonic-tonic seizures that were followed by the post-ictal state which explained why he appeared dead.

With these theories that I have though, I do not mean to undermine the healing power of God. Illness is a demon. On the contrary, these conjectures made me appreciate the power of God even more. Jesus said, “come out of Him!” and the boy was healed! Stories abound in the Bible of God’s great healing power – the paralytic who was brought down the roof (a stroke patient, perhaps?) or of the woman whose bleeding stopped after she touched the hem of Jesus’ cloak (menorrhagia? a myoma? von Willebrand disease?). Jesus is great! And He lives amongst us!

I am a doctor, a man (woman) of science. I spent four years of my life in a high school that boasts of the greatest science scholars in the country. But there are things that just cannot be explained nor straightened out by science. When Daddy died of cancer after chemotherapy, radiation, even targeted therapy, it made me question the beauty and power of medicine. We did everything we could. My father was a good man. I saw a number of people who had advanced stage/metastatic cancers who lived up to more than a year (even longer). But my Daddy was not healed. Was it because my family and I lacked faith? Was it because my daddy abused cigarettes which eventually gave him the disease? Or was it because God did not want Daddy to suffer some more? He knew what was best for him so He took him peacefully, quietly, surrounded by the people he loved the most.

I may never know the answers to these. I just know that the Lord did what He knew was best for Daddy and for all of us. I trust that things went the way He planned. I thank God for the time He gave us to prepare ourselves, to love Daddy and show him how much we really cared for him. I dare not question science for today I live knowing that science has given me electricity, this electric fan beside me, this laptop that I am working on. I live with the assurance that because of my kids’ vaccination, they will grow up not having the pockmarks of chickenpox or fear of German measles. Science is good. Knowledge is good. Progress is good.

Praised be Jesus!