Past Tense

Lately, I’ve been having recurring dreams with themes centered on significant people in my past. I wonder why. Some were about these people having a great interest in sharing and living their lives with me. I, on the other hand, had an excuse for not being able to reciprocate such as being engaged to be married to someone else, or simply being uninterested.

After such dreams, I find myself spending the greater part of the day thinking about these people. How are they doing now? Are they living happy lives? Where are they?


When I allow myself to indulge in such thoughts, oftentimes I end up wondering about what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. What if I had the courage to show my feelings or, at least, show interest? What if I were able to conquer my self-consciousness and feelings of inferiority? What could have happened had I dared to make mistakes and risk breaking my heart in the process? Was the game of playing it safe worth it?


Such queries bear no answers and can be very tiring. Surely, these do not make positive contributions to my mental health. I stop. I take a deep breath. And I thank God for the great love that surrounds me every single day. I am grateful for such huge blessings too many to count.

On Beauty and Aging

In high school, I took pride in the fact that I was low-maintenance. All I needed was shampoo and bath soap and that was it. A classmate asked me what I was using to clean my face and I was happy to say, “Wala, tubig lang”. For a while, I tried hopping on the bandwagon and used Biore just like all the other girls in the dorm. But it left my skin feeling so dry and taut so I threw it out.


Since last year, I have begun adding more and more products to my daily regimen. Part of aging, I should say. Just a decade ago, I thought I would not allow myself to turn into one of those women who stared at the mirror and fretted over every line and freckle. Now that I’m a little past my mid-30’s, I find myself watching out for my crow’s feet… about to make its debut, inevitably.


Here is a quick rundown of the things I try (so hard) to use on a daily basis:


1. VMV Hypoallergenics Armada Face Cover (SPF30) – during residency, I had this co-resident who so diligently applied her Banana Boat Sunblock on her face every single morning. It didn’t matter if she had only an hour of sleep the night before or that she was about to start a 36-hour-duty with no chance whatsoever of being out in the sun. She put it on. And her skin looked great. Wish I’d started using sunblock sooner.


2. Cetaphil Gentle Cleanser – I use this to clean my face. At first, it didn’t feel like it was doing any actual cleaning because it was scentless and made no foam. But I noticed that I broke out less often when I tried to wash my face with it before going to bed (I know, I know).


3. Celeteque Facial Moisturizer – my skin always has been on the dry side. But I could never have the discipline to put on moisturizer, especially since I’ve spent the latter half of my life in aircon-less dorms that could be really humid sometimes. Again, I wish I had started this sooner. Better late than never!


4. The Body Shop Wise Woman Defensive Hand Cream (SPF15) – this was a very recent purchase; got wind of it from one of my favorite blogs. Though I was often mistaken to be younger than my actual age (a disadvantage in my profession: young = inexperienced), I look in the mirror and see that my hands are probably the oldest part of my body. All those years of washing with soaps and alcohols in the hospital have left my hands dry and wrinkly. This cream, true to its promise, “nourishes and softens” without the sticky, gooey feeling that other lotions have. Again, it’s a late discovery but I hope it will be “defensive” enough to do its job.


5. Cetaphil Moisturizing Cream – I seldom use this on my face because it’s kinda thick and sticky. But it really does the job so I reserve it for days that are extra cool and dry and I make sure not to use it in the days before my period. (Yes, my skin changes with my cycle and yes, at my age, I still break out on the chin pre-menstrual).


6. Apollo Petroleum Jelly – for my lips. Two words: dry and chapped. Even my kids, unfortunately, seem to have inherited this from me. Poor things. But I’ve started teaching them how to use this and even my three-year-old comes to me sometimes to ask for her “jelly ace” for her lips.


Well, this sums it up. A friend of mine gave me Origins Eye Cream. I used it for a few days but found the process of gently applying/dabbing it on the "skin around the eyes" too tedious. And it smelled like the bark of a tree so I wasn't too crazy about it. Maybe I'll change my mind when the crow's feet starts to show :p

About make-up, I started putting it on just last month. My mother almost fell on her knees to thank God when, while malling, I asked her to come help find me blush-on and lipstick. I’m such a late bloomer. Anyway, it was more of a necessity than vanity because patients were always commenting that I looked so young and “nene”. Again, as a doctor… it’s not something to be flattered about. So I had to learn the tricks of making myself look a bit more “alive” and mature. The irony of it all.

Finding the Happy in Things Big and Small

My career is off to a very slow crawl. Colleagues and mentors say I need to be patient and prepare myself to endure this for the next two years.


Despite this, I have to say I’m feeling quite happy. Sure, I do not have lots of money. But I do have work (with no boss, as my sister enviously points out) AND I have time for a few of my other interests… interests that add so much more to my life.

I have time to read books at a whim; my budget is the only (minor) constraint. There is a lot of opportunity to dabble in my first love – cross-stitching. Pockets of time are used for writing short notes such as these. And I am able to browse around bookstores and on my favorite websites at a leisurely pace. Another good thing: I never expected that driving, and all the stress that came along with it, could give me a pleasant sense of freedom. There was no need to rely all the time on hubby, which is great as he’s been very busy and his schedule is unpredictable (usually). My driving has made grocery shopping less of a chore. It, as pointed out by an aunt, has made my life more flexible.


I thank God for these small changes in my life. My family and I are truly blessed.

My Mother

I am grateful for my mother. I am grateful for each visit, every hour spent with her. Not all encounters are happy. Sometimes I am hurt by words of criticism and correction. These are not always easy to swallow. But ultimately, each encounter makes me a better and wiser person. I pray to God I can be the same to my children.

Life is Short

I feel terribly sad when I think of the many times I have yelled and gotten mad at the kids this past week. They were getting on my nerves. All the yelling, the mess, the mundane demands that needed to be met ASAP. I was sick and tired.

Now I realize how truly sick I am to have let my selfish id rule over my mind and my heart. Time flies. The kids are growing up right before my eyes. In a few years, they would stop running to me, expecting me to help them with every whim. They would stop asking me to help them tie their shoelaces for the nth time.

I am truly sorry and now promise myself to start cleaning up my act. As an old classmate of mine posted on his Facebook status: "Life is very short... there is no time for BS".

I will love my kids more. I will love them. I will treat them with respect. I will treat them well.

On Fiestas

Fiestas are a fascinating thing.

As I sat on the bus, I noticed that we slowed down to a crawl. I continued to look out the window and saw that there were more tambays than usual. Maybe because today's a holiday, I thought. Then, one by one, I saw the signs.

There were babies clad in those, white, lacy, itchy-looking things. Young ladies appeared to be wearing their nicest blouses (with wide belts and leggings to boot... are belts back?). And the ultimate sign - people sitting on plastic stools and chairs on verandas, clutching plates filled to the brim on one hand while they expertly try to eat with the other hand (using a spoon).

There were men sitting around tables with lambanog/beer and green mangoes, among other pulutans (horrors! will the green mango not give them a tummy ache?). they looked oh-so relaxed and happy.

And the numerous "kawa" (very large wok) perched on rocks and firewood... ahh. There were no banderitas in sight but it was a fiesta alright. Just to confirm my suspicions, the banda came into view. They wore brightly colored gear and were playing a happy tune; the pretty maidens were holding their batons (majorettes, they're called) and were trying their best to smile while getting sunburnt.

Plus toms of trinkets and cheap toys for sale. A happy time for kids, for everyone.

I remember when i was little, fiestas were the time when they bought me this tiny set of palayok fruits perched on a tiny but very real-looking... uh, palayok. I wonder if they still make those.

It's The Little Things

One would think that after a loved one has died, you would remember him for all the big and important events. It's not the case, well, at least for me.

I barely remember our dance on my wedding day. But I do remember how we almost laughed our eyeballs out over something very petty, I wouldn't dare write about it here; it'll be out of context and I don't want to risk sounding shallow. Or how, when I was a little kid, he showed me an imprint made on a piece of clay. He made me guess which object made that distinct imprint (it was from the design engraved on his wedding band).

One time, at home after his chemotherapy, we both couldn't fall asleep. In the middle of the night, he and I drove out for some balut, using his need to buy some medications from a 24-hour drugstore as an excuse. We greedily wolfed down our balut (3 for him, 2 for me).

It's the little things I miss the most. I miss you, Daddy.

Of Taxes and Anchovies

I am pissed off. Really pissed off.

I received a text message from my accountant, asking if I filed my ITR for 2008. She is in the process of registering my clinics. Without skipping a beat, I said I didn’t because I had been in training for the past four years with no pay. What she said next annoyed me to the max. She asked whether I didn’t practice during that time. What irked me the most was that it seemed like she herself doubted whether I really did not. Like she couldn’t and wouldn’t believe it. Is this the first time she’s met someone who’s had to train for many years before finally being able to start practice? I wonder.

For the past 6 weeks, I have been doing my best effort to get an accountant who can register me so I can have my receipts already. I had to give up on the first because apparently he was too busy and took days before he returning my text messages/calls. (He was a CPA/lawyer). Finally, I was referred to this one, a very nice lady, soft-spoken and efficient. But she doubted me and I’m pissed.

After years of toiling with no benefits, and working long hours, caring for poor patients with no decent wage, I get accused of tax evasion?! Ako ang mandaraya? C’mon! All I really want and need is to get those darn receipts and start my paying taxes already. Kaya wala tayong asenso. Instead of running after the big sharks (and there’s lots of them), people waste their time fussing over tiny anchovies like me.

But now that I think about it, can I blame her? Pag naglipana ang mga magnanakaw at mandaraya, ang hindi gumagawa ng masama ang nagmumukhang suspechoso. People are jaded. Siguro sa dami ng mga negosyo-slash-doktor-slash-establismyento na dala-dalawa ang libro e nagmumukha nang norm. Bwiset talaga. How do I prove to her/them na wala talaga akong trabaho at pinapagkakitaan noon? Na for the past so many years ay palamunin ako ng butihin kong asawa (actually hanggang ngayon). Dapat bang idineclare ko ang kakarampot na stipend na pinaghirapang ipamalimos ng mga boss para sa amin mula sa mga drug company? Karampot na stipend na inaabot ng 4 hanggang 8 buwan bago namin makuha? Stipend yun e, sabi ng mga kasama ko, therefore tax-free. Pathetic. Grrr...

More About Planners

I am pretty excited about my new planner, not only because of the countless reasons I mentioned in my last post. I am excited because next month, I will be starting my practice (3 clinics, in 3 different cities, 5 days a week) full blast. December, I suspect, would be like a “soft opening” because of the holidays. People are usually not too keen on having themselves checked during the holidays because they tend to be more concerned with parties, and shopping, and reunions, etc. Most aches and pains can wait until the turn of the year. Plus, I’m a fledgling so I am just being realistic; referrals and patients are not going to come pouring in. So new year, new planner, new chapter in my life.

I dream of filling up my planner with meetings, lectures, me-time projects, and patient appointments. Actually, I still have not decided regarding the last one; don’t patient stuff – appointments for BMA, chemotherapy protocols and schedules – merit a separate notebook?

I do have a few more spare pocket notebooks in my closet, not to mention an A5 binder, an A4 2009 notebook that I intend to recycle, and a Franklin Covey (yes, Franklin!) - a hand-me-down, albeit unused, from hubby. That last one I’m pretty excited about though I have not the slightest inkling what to do with it. It’s A5 and has this gorgeous dark brown leather cover, with two pages per day. The left side has a space for a prioritized daily task list (quite a mouthful), a daily tracker (for email, expenses, etc), and the appointment schedule (with a couple of lines for each hour, from 8 am to 8 pm… especially made for the workaholic). The right side is a beautiful expanse of a lined page for daily notes - scribbles, meeting agendas, mind-mapping and what-not. Plus, there’s a quote for each day, mostly related to work and productivity. It’s 2009 and I do want to recycle it for 2010. I just don’t know exactly what to do with it. Do I use it for patients’ notes? I have their clinic medical records for that purpose. Besides, it cannot be easy lugging around this huge binder from one clinic/city to another, regardless of whether I drive or take the bus.

Oh, let me not forget about the spare filofax in my drawer. It’s smaller than the Franklin, only about 5 x 7 inches. I have a couple of packs of loose page refills (lined, for notes). But the filofax’s one-page-per-week layout does not appeal to me. I am a vertical writer. As a student, I loved lengthwise pad paper. I’d often fold a paper in half and write in columns. When I need to use a whole page, my writing barely reaches the right side of the paper.

I do not know of a single friend (real friend, not a Facebook friend) who shares my silly passion for all things paper, notebook, and stationery. Which is why I love wasting precious time surfing blogs such as http://notebookaddict.com, http://unclutterer.com, or http://officesupplygeek.com plus many, many other sites. Though miles apart, people who loiter around these sites and I are kindred spirits. We go through life one (or a few) notebooks at a time.

The Perfect Planner

Yehey! Today I have crossed out most of the urgent and/or important tasks on my to-do list. Some of them were musts that have been bugging me for days, even weeks (BIR, printing jobs,birthday presents for my sister, etc.). Others were errands – stuff related to the kids’ school activities, things to buy for an uncle, etc.

But the real highlight of my day was (okay, brace yourself… here comes the geekiness) having chanced upon the most perfect planner!

For more than two weeks, I have had this nagging, almost irrational urge to start hacking my spare notebook into a 2010 planner. It’s a black, pocket-size, lined Scribe notebook (a Moleskine knock-off) that has been sitting in the darkest corner of my closet for months. Inspired by things I’ve stumbled upon during hours of mindless web surfing, I wanted to turn it into a year of 2-pages-a-week planner with lots of spare pages for to-do lists, notes, and scribbles. More pressing demands (like sleep, for instance) have been keeping me from diving in.

I have made a few visits to my favorite bookstore and somehow the planners that were available then did not suit my needs. They were either too small, or too bulky, or downright unattractive, or too expensive. And none of them had enough space (at the end of the year) for notes. Once, I managed to gather enough courage to check out those red Moleskine 18-month planners but I can never make myself spend that much money for a notebook, no matter how fancy it is.

But today… ahhh. I cannot hide this silly grin on my face. I went to National Bookstore for some laminating jobs and found this:

It’s black, covered with decent-looking faux leather. It’s the right size – handy yet has enough space for each day for important dates, meetings, and tasks.

The paper quality is good enough for me as I only use ball-point pens or a mechanical pencil for writing. The bonus part was the second half of the planner which comprised of pages and pages of lined notes. I plan to split these into two parts using sticky tabs – To-do Lists and Notes/Important Things to Remember.

I am optimistic that these notes would be enough to last me through the year as I have a separate Hipster PDA for (3 x 5 index cards held together by a carabiner) that I use for special lists and MITs.

And here’s the best part: it’s very cheap. Only 79 pesos (or about one and a half dollars) and it’s locally made! It’s such a great steal… makes me look forward to a great year ahead.

Fruitful Day

I am up early because hubby had left very early for the airport for a business trip. Nawala antok ko so I decided to say my prayers and a rosary for his safe trip.

Yesterday was a good day and napahiya ako kay Lord kasi pinagbigyan N’ya na naman ako matapos kong ngumawa nang ngumawa. Tinuturuan N’ya talaga ako to be patient and to put my full trust in Him. As I awoke yesterday to the smell of breakfast cooking in the kitchen (care of hubby), I felt mild pain on my right temple. At that moment, I decided to lie in bed and nurse that headache, possibly the whole morning. I’m guessing that headache was because of the multitude of things that I have been worrying and fretting about (needlessly, as usual).

Mid-morning, I received a text message from my would-be secretary (naks!) and was told that the accountant… THE accountant is at the hospital today. Wow! Nawala ang sakit ng ulo ko. Thankfully, hubby was willing to bump off the plans he has made so that he can come with me and teach me (again) the directions to the hospital. So we bundled our three kulits and I drove to Laguna, leaving our yayas behind to rest.

The accountant was very pleasant and her rates were better than most I’ve heard of. Medyo malaki lang nagastos ko initially because I had to register all three clinics so times three yung initial gastos. I had to rush to two nearby ATMs but all were off-line. She was gracious enough to accept a check as payment and hubby was very generous enough to take care of the payment for me (more than 5 thou). Yehey! Thanks to hubby and to God. The accountant says my registration should be done within a week and she says my receipts should be available before I start my clinic at their hospital next month.

The drive to Laguna was relatively easy and it didn’t take too long. I think I can do it on my own. I mean, on a regular basis. Kaya naman. The toll fees were considerable though. One hundred and ten (65 for skyway plus 45) to and then 76 pabalik.

While I was settling things, hubby was able to get a car sticker from the security guard for me. Nakita ko na lang dinidikit na nila. Ang bait nung mga tao doon. Very accommodating sila. I was surprised that the guard, though he initially asked daw for papers to show that I was indeed affiliated, took hubby’s word for it.

After the stint with the accountant, I was very, very happy for having accomplished that task that has been bugging me for weeeeks. We drove off to the nearby Pavilion Mall and had lunch at, you guessed it… Jollibee! We availed of the BPI promo so nakatipid nang konti. The kids were happy; it was their first time at the Pavilion. I was feeling quite pleased, too. Hubby and I can imagine living our lives there, parang nakaka-at home doon. Later, the Little One had to poop so she and I went upstairs to the mall restroom and, thankfully, I had some wipes left in my bag.

After we had finished lunch, the Little Girl said it was her turn to poop. I ran out of wipes so I left her with hubby and dragged the Little Boy to the supermarket to buy some. While we were at it, I was very pleased to find the kids’ shampoo which was not available at SM nor Shopwise. It was very cheap and smelled great on the kids’ hair so I grabbed two big bottles. In the meantime, hubby was texting because the Little Girl was badly in need of the wipes already. Rush, rush, rush… wash. Ah, the little stresses and inconveniences of parenthood. Instead of giving in my to tendency to be irked, I thought these are what make parenthood an exciting adventure.

After some dessert at Dunkin’ (coffee for hubby), we drove around the place to scout for some schools for the kids next year. We were quite pleased with a couple of schools we saw. One was particularly impressive and I was awed by the beauty of the surrounding scenery. Their soccer field was nestled right amidst beautiful, lush mountains. What a blessing it would be if our kids can grow up in such a beautiful surrounding. For a while, I worried, too about the kids coping to this big change of moving to a “big” school. Their school right now is such a small community, almost everybody knows everyone else.

After that, we visited our lot at V____. It was a very quiet and peaceful Saturday afternoon. We let the kids play at the playgound/clubhouse for a while. The Little One was tearful as we climbed to our car. She so wanted to swim in the pool but we did not bring any extra clothes. We then drove around a bit, admiring the pretty houses and just taking in the calm of the surroundings.

The whole experience reminded me of the suburbs in the States (based on my friends’ pictures and on what I see on TV, at least). I felt very grateful that we were on our way to achieving this dream. I thanked God for such a blessing and prayed that He would continue to bless us with this gift. I was particularly thankful that hubby and I need not leave our country to be able to enjoy such blessings. We were right at home.

We then braced ourselves for the trip back home. The traffic was heavy and the kids, particularly the Little One was getting irritable and began looking for her yaya. Good thing she fell asleep. I realized it was not easy driving in bumper-to-bumper traffic and my right quads hurt. I did not complain. Silently, I told myself that this was something I had to learn to contend with for the next half-year. Twice a week wouldn’t be so bad. If I needed to go more than twice a week, it would mean having referrals and that would be something to be thankful for.

I’m supposed to start my other clinic next weekend but since my reciepts aren’t ready yet, I hope to be able to ask the secretaries if I can start by December instead.

Oh, I forgot to tell you that the layout for my prescription pads and business cards have been finally sent to me. They looked okay. I can’t wait to get my hands on them.

Baby Steps

Today I ordered my first batch of business cards and prescription pads. I can imagine how thrilled I would be when the delivery comes in tomorrow. I grew up putting name tags on everything… notebooks, books… later when I started going to my high school dorm, things you did not dare imagine being labeled were labeled by my mother dear… sandos, undies, palanggana. You name it, it’s got my name on it!

Sorry sa pagka-OA ko about this. These are teeny-weeny things. Baby steps, I admit. But still steps TOWARDS my dream of starting my own practice so kebs kung OA. Di bale nang nakatunganga muna sa clinic para magbilang ng butiki o maghanap ng agiw.

Kailangan ko na lang maayos ang sa accountant… aaaargh! Para makapagpaskel na ako nung 'Please ask for Receipt'. At mag-ensayo pa sa pagmamaneho ng mag-isa nang hindi naliligaw para di mapadpad sa Pasay or elsewhere dahil sa wrong turn. Hindi madali but i'm slowly getting there. Ajaaaah!

We Are A Spoiled Bunch

Hubby and I are just so thrilled at the Lord’s generosity. Everything, every plan, is slowly falling into place.

Just weeks ago, I felt lost. It felt like standing in the middle of a thick forest. I had no idea where to go… which direction to take. But God has been faithful, as always. He took hold of His bolo and just hacked away, making way, clearing paths for me. And I am truly grateful. Thank You, Lord.

I was happy to have found free, affordable, hassle-free clinic space in this building along ___ avenue. I asked for a Saturday morning slot… and God gave it to me.

I longed to be able to rent clinic space in Laguna because I didn’t have enough funds to lease. The family has more pressing needs and I do not expect to be earning a lot, not in the next couple of years. So hubby and I wanted to keep my overhead to a minimum. Like a surprise gift, it just landed on my lap. There it was - available clinic space, for rent, equipped, decent-looking, with a pleasant secretary. It was free on the days that I wanted, including the slot just before the weekly conferences at the department. Which means I can hold clinic AND attend the conference, all in one go. How great is that?!

Today, hubby and I went to the bank for our appointment regarding our housing loan. A hundred signatures later, we are officially in debt. Seriously, it felt more like being a step closer to our dreams. I trust in our generous God that He would continue to provide for our everyday needs. He has always been so generous to me and my family. He has not only been providing for our needs but for most of our wants as well. Praised be God.

I finally bought myself a black bag. It was pretty and plain enough for my taste. It looked sturdy. It did not bear any mark/brand. And more importantly, at 650 pesos, it was affordable enough. =)

On The Bus

Nothing makes me happier than looking at idyllic scenery. Mountains. Soft, wispy clouds amidst light blue sky. Green rice fields that stretch on and on. They remind me of how great it is to be alive.

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Sometimes errands and to-do lists suck the joy out of every day. I jump from one to the other, like short straight lines connecting two dots. I look at the lines and dots and fail to see the whole picture.

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Last week, my heart was weighed down by duties, responsibilities. I also suffered from a sense of disapproval. I accused myself of not working hard enough, not doing enough. Where does that accusing voice some from? Whose pointing figure was it? (I have this strong feeling it wasn’t God).

On Comforting Always and City-Driving

I cannot believe almost three weeks have passed since I last “wrote”. Kaya naman pala I get this feeling of restlessness again. My writing, I mean, my outpouring of thoughts and feelings on paper/keyboard, helps keep me sane. (It makes me a bit uncomfortable saying “my writing” because I do not consider myself a writer). It keeps me anchored and gives me a fresh break from my usual super-nega perspective.

My practice has been slow but swell. I thank God that for the past 2 weeks, I got to earn a bit instead of the usual na “negative pa sa pamasahe”. Teeny-weenie bit talaga. I am practically still living off of the allowance that hubby gives me monthly. Things have been slow that I have not gathered enough guts to go out and buy myself a decent-looking bag. I have been longing for a black, everyday shoulder bag for work. I have seen quite a few but not THE bag. They’re either not pretty enough, not big enough, or more importantly, not affordable enough.

Despite my meager earnings and the long, arduous bus ride from the province back to Manila, there are a few moments that make my decision to practice in my hometown worth it. Still at the top of my list was getting the chance to see my preschool music teacher as patient. She’s 78 but the way she thanked me so profusely, especially after I’ve introduced myself as one of her former students, is enough to fill my heart with so much joy! Even something as simple as a patient’s relative telling me on the phone “umayos po ang pakiramdam ni Nanay, malakas na kumain”. She still does have leukemia. But knowing she feels a bit better makes everything worthwhile. - "To cure sometimes, to relieve often, to comfort always”.

There’s also this one patient who was referred to me because of a non-life-threatening, really minor problem. But she came back to the clinic sooner than scheduled because she needed to talk to someone. She seemed very hopeless and weepy and distraught. I sensed that she was depressed… possibly postpartum. I couldn’t do more for her blood problem (she was already taking her medications) but I think I did more for her by listening to her, acknowledging her fears and feelings. In the end, I urged her and her husband to seek the help of a psychiatrist. I wouldn’t be surprised to see her come back next week.

Covering for my former mentor has been keeping me busy since yesterday. Medyo madami patients na naka-admit. I am grateful that she has kept her out-patient schedule to a minimum. Madaming araw na wala clinic. Like today. I was able to go home early and take a much-needed afternoon nap. I have been having flu-like symptoms since yesterday and had to really drag myself to work this morning. Three Bioflu’s later and I am feeling much better. Plus, tonight, hubby is coming back from Jakarta and that alone is enough to actually make me feel better. I think I can never get used to him being so far away from home, kahit pa short periods lang.

Yesterday was a milestone for me as it was the first time ever that I drove myself to work in Manila. Mare, mahirap ha! It’s not even half as fun as I thought it would be. The long stretch of Quezon Avenue almost drove me crazy with the unpredictable U-turns (I wonder if the U turns are actually better than having stoplights at every corner). Kaloka. Pati mga jeep at bus na nagigitgitan. I, being my usual, ok-ok self, wanted to stick to my lane (middle lane, non-committal, haha). But golly, it seemed that those lines/lanes painted on the roads were useless. Find your own place lang talaga. As one resident told me, “suggestions lang yun, mam”. This morning I was so tempted to take a cab to make my life less stressful. But I saw the gray clouds and looked back to the time when I stood endlessly waiting for a cab so… hay sige. Go na! After a few close encounters, I survived. Praise God.

I consider it nothing short of a miracle, finding the clinic place and schedule that I wanted a day after hubby and I went to St. Jude to pray for guidance and much-needed help.

Somebody better smack me on the head to remind me to:

1. not worry too much
2. stop stressing over things I cannot control
3. be P-A-T-I-E-N-T

Ala-ala Sa Donut

Kanina, pagkagaling namin ng anak kong limang taong gulang sa kanyang barbero, dumaan kami sa Dunkin’ Donuts bago maglakad pauwi. Pagkakain ng hapunan, kumuha ako ng platito at nilagay ang aking paboritong Nutty Choco, sabay hablot ng isang tinidor. Biglang nanumbalik sa akin ang mga alaala ng panahon noong high school na kumain kami ng isang kaklase sa Dunkin’ sa may National Bookstore sa Quezon Avenue.

Ibang-iba pa noon. Una, ang Dunkin’ merong dine-in kahit na puro donut, croissant at kape lang ang tinda. Nakakatuwa noon kasi parang feeling ko espesyal kahit na donut lang. Wala pa kasing Dunkin’ sa probinsya namin noon e. Tapos, sine-serve ang donut sa isang babasagin na platito at tunay na tinidor (hindi plastic o disposable). Meron ata akong Coke noon. Malaki-laki pa noon yung donut at yung chocolate ibang klase, hindi tunaw. O baka dahil sa aircon ang loob di gaya ng binilhan namin ngayon.

Kaligayahan ko talaga noon ang mag-ikot-ikot lang sa National Bookstore (NBS). Tingin tingin lang ng mga pad, ballpen, Jingle magazine, at kung anu-ano pa. Naalala ko na kahit wala naman ako masyadong binibili noon kundi paisa-isang ballpen at konting scratch paper, masaya ako sa paggagala sa loob. Inaabot ako ng mahigit isang oras. Pinakamatagal ata ako noon sa pag-browse sa may mga greeting cards, lalo na sa may Between Me and You. Nagpapaka-senti at nangangarap… kailan kaya ako makakatanggap ng ganito?

Tapos iba pa yung lugar na pinapaligiran ng NBS. Di pa ganun kalaki yung NBS, tapos meron mga ilang hakbang pababa bago makarating sa loob. Sa may paligid at bungad, andun ang iba’t ibang mga tindahan. Meron pa ngang Bread Connection noon at favorite namin ng bestfriend ko yung round bacon, sarap. Tapos sari-saring mga shops sa paligid… meron parlor kung saan naaalala ko ay shocked ako nang sinamahan ko ang isang kaibigang taga-Cagayan de Oro na magpagupit doon tapos nadiskubre ko na 80 o 90 pesos ang gupit! Kasi naman 1989 pa ito no, sobrang mahal! Minsan bumibili din ako ng guitar string or pick sa isa sa mga shops doon.

Tapos meron isang shop sa sulok na nagtitinda ng mga gamit pang-magic tricks. Tapos sa harapan ng NBS mismo, ,meron Gift Gate at kahit pa ang hindi kalakihan ang baon ko at ballpen lang naman ang afford kong bilhin noon, pasok pa rin ako. Pag may bagong ballpen na Sanrio,, ay ang saya! Excited na pumasok sa school kinabukasan at mag-notes.

At pag medyo malaki-laki ang naipong baon, hala. Tatawid ng Quezon Avenue papunta sa McDo para kumain ng fried chicken. Meron pa silang promo noon na pag “doubles” ang meal na in-order (meaning 2-piece chicken with rice), meron extra piece. 2 + 1 ang tawag. Tapos large coke. At ubos ko yun ha. Grabe, katakaw! Growing kid, pagbigyan na natin.

Hay, tumatanda na yata talaga ako. Mid-life crisis na nga yata talaga ‘to. Napapansin ko kasi na pag walang magawa, ang utak ko ay parating napapadpad sa mga nakaraan ko… mga ala-ala ng pagkabata sa aming probinsya or madalas, mga alala ng high school. Masaya noon. Wala pa masyadong mga alalahanin. Napaka-carefree. At madaming mga “exciting” na pangyayari, kahit pa mga simpleng kakiligan lang sa isang dosena kong mga crush. Asan na kaya mga yun?

Pockets Of Peace

I get this weird sense of profound peace at the most unusual places. Earlier this evening, as my 5-year-old son and I walked from his barber to a nearby Dunkin’ Donuts and then back home, I looked around and felt like there was nothing I wanted more. It was the first time his barber gave him a clean shave of his sideburns with a few skillful swishes of his labaha. Seeing other parents walking home with their little kids in uniforms, I felt one with the world. Folks in their office uniforms were everywhere, some clutching pasalubong for their families, I suppose. It is not easy to explain. But seeing these people made me feel like there is no rat race. There is a human race. And it felt wonderful to be part of it.

Somehow, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d feel the same sense of belonging once we move to our dream house in a dream village somewhere south of Manila. Would the clubhouse or the well-paved streets, or the manicured pocket gardens spread around the village give me the same kind of peace?

I distinctly remember how, once, I walked in pouring rain from a day spent at the library (see July 10, 2009 post).Taxis were hard to come by. People were scrambling to get their rides on buses and jeepneys. I decided against roughing it out with them and pursued the “scenic” route. That meant clutching my old blue umbrella, carrying my book-filled bag on my right shoulder, and walking along the side streets to my home. It was very quiet save for the sound of raindrops hitting my parasol and the faint squish-squash my feet were making against my sandals. The considerable distance to my home did not matter. There was no anxiety about making it home drenched. No worry about kidnappers that may have been lurking in the deserted corners . All I felt was peace and contentment.

Thank God for these pockets of peace.

Sorry, Lord

I apologize, dear God, for the sorry attitude I’ve been displaying since yesterday. Today I realized I have been doing my best to forget about that tiny incident the other day. Sorry talaga, Lord. Such a loser. Pasensya Ka na dahil pikon ako. Pikon na pikon.

Humuhingi ako ng tawad dahil sa para bang nakalimutan ko na lahat ng mabubuti kong adhikain at pangarap. Naisip ko, isa yatang pagpapanggap ang sinasabi kong hangarin na makatulong sa mga kapwa ko taga-Q_____. Pagpapanggap na ang sa ilalim ay ang hangarin na kumita. Ng malaki. Kaagad.

Sorry, Lord dahil sa una ko pang iniisip ang napakailap na Fino bag na ipinangako ko sa sarili ko na bibilhin ko sa oras na magsimula akong kumita sa mga consultation at biopsy. Sorry talaga, Lord, kung nahahalata mo na nagkakaroon ako ng feeling of entitlement. As if I deserved this. As if I got here solely on my merits with no help whatsoever.

Sorry, sorry po. Humihingi po ako ng tawad. Hinihiling ko rin po ang napakahabang pasensya. Patience.

Turuan n’yo po akong magpasalamat pa nang husto sa Inyo. Turuan n’yo po ako na i-enjoy ang bawat oras at bawat araw. Sabi nga sa kanta, “ang magbigay nang ayon sa nararapat na walang hinihintay mula sa’Yo”.

On the eve of my first day of practice

I sit here in my room. A room once shared with my one and only sister. The room of my childhood. Much has changed compared to how it was some 25 years ago. There is less clutter. None of the countless pillows that our beds used to have.

Funny how lonely I feel being here by my lonesome, quiet self. As I sit here amidst the stillness, I realize with much amazement how big my world has grown. Whereas before I had nobody but my parents, my sister, and my school (and all the people that came with it), I now have a husband and three children. People who are now four hours away from me. People who mean the world to me.

God has been very generous. I am on the verge of the realization of a life-long dream. Tomorrow is the first day of my private practice. The anxiety, even nervousness, that I feel is real. And yet I find comfort in the white coat that now stares back at me as it hung on my bedroom door. It bears my name and the field that I’ve chosen. It bears witness to God’s generosity. Proof of how one’s dreams, once so distant and almost out-of-reach, can slowly come true.

Thanksgiving to all patients

Truth be told, I feel a considerable amount of nervousness and anxiety at the prospect of starting my private practice. That’s on Monday, if all things proceed as planned. I try now to ‘cram’ my Consultative H--------- and T--------- book into my tiny brain. I worry about having forgotten my IM.

I remind myself that I can do all things because Jesus strengthens me. He has never failed me. I tell myself that I have been preparing for this for years. I turn my thoughts to the hundreds of patients and cases that I have seen during my training. My training amounts to thousands of hours of exposure to the clinics, to diagnosis, and to answering referrals from all specialties. I think of my mentors who are truly the best of the best. (Believe it or not, I also thank God for mentors who have yelled at me during the earlier years of my training. They contributed to my fortitude and determination, no doubt). And I think of all the hematologists who have long gone before me, now pursuing each of their own paths.

I thank God for books. I thank God for my mentors. Above all, I thank God for all my patients… from my first ‘patient’ (read: cadaver) in anatomy class… to my physical therapy spinal cord-injured patients at the Philippine Orthopedic Center… to my surviving anemia/leukemia/lymphoma patients. As the song goes, “some are dead and some are living…” In my life and training, I loved most of them and, I learned from them all.

Malling sa Panahon ng Ondoy

Dahil sa perwisyong dulot ni Bagyong Ondoy, walang pasok ang mga bata ng isang linggo. Kaya kahapon, pinadalhan ko ng text ang aking asawa. Sabi ko, ano kaya kung dalhin namin sa playground sa Mall of Asia ang mga bata? Ilang araw na kasi silang nakakulong dito sa bahay. Maganda rin siguro na makalabas sila, makatakbo ng konti, makapag-release ng pent-up energy. I thought it was a great idea. Pumayag din ang aking asawa.

Papalapit pa lang sa MOA, na-realize ko na na parang hindi pala ganun kaganda yung idea ko. Kokonti ang lamang sasakyan ng open parking. Pagdating sa multi-level parking, medyo mas marami-rami. Natawa ako ng konti at naisip ko, ah, takot na ang mga tao mag-park sa baba. Nanumbalik sa isip ko ang mga kakatakot na imahe ng paglutang ng mga sasakyan sa parking space ng UERM. Nakaligtas kaya yung babaeng umakyat sa bubungan ng SUV n’ya habang dinadala ng alon?

Pagpasok sa mall, agad kong na-realize na parang hindi talaga magandang idea ang pagpunta doon. Parang hindi tama ang mamasyal. Kani-kanina lamang ay halos maiyak ako sa mga kwento na nakita ko sa balita – mga magulang na nawalan ng maliliit na mga anak, bayaning nalunod sa pagod matapos magligtas ng mahigit 30 katao, mga pamilyang pilit hinuhugasan ang putik sa kanilang mga kagamitan. Hindi tama na andito kami sa mall.

Naglakad-lakad lang kami. Kapansin-pansin ang tamlay ng mga establishments. Hindi namin maatim na tumingin ng mga damit o sapatos. Ang aking asawa, panandaliang sumilip sa tindahan ng mga bagahe, pero madali ring lumabas.

Binilhan namin ng tig-isang Swirly Bitz ang mga bata sa Jollibee. Kaming mag-asawa ay nagsalo sa isang maliit na baso ng Coke at isang piraso ng Krispy Kreme donut. Lahat ng tira ng mga bata ay aming sinimot. Nang magturo ng laruan ang mga bata, hindi namin pinagbigyan at sa halip ay ipinaliwanag ang kalunos-lunos na kalagayan ng ibang mga tao. Hindi ko alam kung naintindihan nila.

Maya-maya lang, matapos nilang maghabulan sa may mga makukulay na upuan, nagpasya na kaming umuwi. Okay na rin siguro na nagkaroon ng kaunting semblance of normalcy ang mga bata. Ilang araw nang maghapon nilang napapanood ang mga imahe ng baha sa balita. Pero nagpasya kaming mag-asawa na magpadala ng kaagarang tulong sa isang tiyuhin namin na nasalanta ng baha.

Ayayay!

After I had passed my subspecialty diplomate exam, I was very eager to start my practice. I felt like I was ready to take on the world. I described the day after I learned I passed as the “first day of the rest of my life” (Aug. 17 post). After 13 years (that’s post-college) of non-stop study and training, it felt like I have finally reached the finish line.

Then reality set in.

First, hubby and I scouted for prospect clinics south of Manila. We then learned that one needs a considerable sum of money to be able to start holding clinic at most hospitals. If you think your credentials are enough… you’re mistaken. Show them the money! Borrow from your spouse or your folks! Only then can you start earning your own.

But that was reasonable. Natural lang that they ask money from me first. Parang negosyo, di ba? Kailangan mamuhunan. Labas ka muna ng pera para magkapwesto sa palengke, bago ka pa makapagsimulang bumenta, tapos saka kikita. Fine.

And then I got entangled in one big mess of requirements.

The most difficult part, at least for me, is the fulfillment of the different things required by the government. PTR. TIN card. Not just TIN, the number ha. TIN card. And to get this, one must go back to the branch where one first got the number. Only then can I get my recently renewed S2 license card (for prescribing regulated drugs). And only then can I start applying for Philhealth accreditation as a specialist. It also requires numerous certificates of good standing from different societies. Because I live in the metropolis and cannot, as of yet, drive our car (that’s an entirely different story), I would have to take the FX, MRT, LRT, Taxi to get all of these. Pera pa din. Not to mention, oras, effort, at pawis.

I am also quite overwhelmed by the sheer volume of numbers that I would have to store (memorize?!) and back-up. I am no longer defined by my name alone. Gone were the days when I could just present my complete name and occasionally, my mother’s maiden name. Let’s see… how many numbers do I have? There’s my PRC, S2 license, PMA, PTR (which, by the way, will have to change every year), Philhealth, NBI, GSIS, LTO, TIN, GSIS, Passport, Community Tax Certificate. Whew! Not to mention all the different usernames and passwords for my different internet accounts/social networks and gadgets. Tapos meron na tayong isang tambak na phone numbers. Dalawang mobile, 1 landline, at 1 prepaid wireless broadband. Grabe na ito.

There’s no use complaining. All my colleagues who have gone ahead and are doing their practice have gone through the same. I just have to laugh at myself when I go back to ages ago, when I was a young girl and began to dream of becoming a doctor. Those days, I thought it only entailed studying and then I would have my very own black medicine bag and start making home visits. Parang lumang sine. Simpleng simple.

Makaraan Ang Isang Dosenang Gwardya

Ahh… sa wakas. Kahapon ko pa gustong ikwento sa’yo ang nangyari sa maghapon ko. Ewan ko ba. Umuwi akong pagod na pagod ang mga paa at binti dahil sa kalalakad pero masaya akong nakarating sa bahay. I felt fulfilled.

Sinimulan ko ang araw ko sa pagliligpit ng aking higaan. Pagbaba, kinausap ko ang aking panganay at pangalawang anak. Kahit pupungas-pungas pa ako, sinisigurado ko na makausap ko at makasama sila kahit 15 to 20 minutes man lang bago sila sunduin ng kanilang school service. Kumain ako ng almusal pagkatapos ay nilambing sandali ang aking bunso.

Eto siguro ang una at pinakamahalagang bagay na nagpa-“iba” sa maghapon ko kahapon: I got my battered throw pillow (yung ginagamit ko sa upuan ko para di sumakit pwet ko, habang di pa ako nakakabili ng sarili kong ergonomic office chair) and threw it on the floor. Pagkatapos nun, lumuhod ako sa unan at nagdasal ng taimtim. Bukod sa mga pagpupuri, paghingi ng tawad, pasasalamat sa mga biyaya at paghingi ng proteksyon para sa aking sarili at sa aking mga mahal sa buhay, itinaas ko kay Lord ang lahat ng mga lakad at gawain sa maghapon.

Naligo, mabilis na nagbihis at nag-blow dry ng buhok, tapos, off I went!

Una, nagpunta ako sa Taft Avenue at sumakay ng jeep papunta sa isang bangko. Sa totoo lang, nakakahiya man aminin, takot ako sa bangko. Hindi ko kasi masyadong naiintindihan ang mga transaksyon. Pakiramdam ko mangmang ako. Mas nakakahiya ito dahil si Daddy, sumalangit nawa, ay isang bangkero. At ang aking nag-iisang kapatid ay nagtatrabaho din sa bangko. Pero ewan ko ba. Simpleng debit at credit, napapagbaliktad ko pa!

Anyway, pinakiusapan ako ng aking butihing asawa na magdeposito ng cheke para sa kanya. Out of the country s’ya ngayon sa isang business trip kaya… no choice. Bakit kaya nakakapagbasa ako ng mga mahahabang libro pang-Medisina pero nai-intimidate ako ng isang deposit slip? Weirdo talaga.

Pagdating dun, uh-oh. Sabi ng teller sa akin, merong alteration sa pangalan ng asawa ko dun sa checke. Itatanong daw muna sa manager kung okay. Hay. Pinaupo muna ako. Napatingin ako sa kalangitan at sabi ko, “Daddy, pa’no ba ‘to?”. Biniro ko na lang ang teller na napakatalas ng mata n’ya kasi hindi namin napansin yun.

Habang inaantay na matapos ang manager sa kinakausap na kliyente, ipinakita ko sa kanya ang isa pang tseke. Premyo ko yun sa isang research presentation kung saan nanalo ako ng first prize nung nakaraang linggo. Sabi ko, “Puede ko ba ito i-encash?”. Tapos, hingang malalim, “Hindi ako marunong e”, sabay ngiti. Buti na lang napakabait at pala-ngiti yung teller, not like most tellers na nakadaupang-palad ko. I think it also helped a lot that their branch was not busy. Matumal, kumpara sa ibang mga napuntahan ko.

Kinuha n’ya ang tseke, tinatakan sa likod, tiningnan ang aking ID, pina-fill out sa akin ang likod ng tseke, tinignan n’ya ulit, ibinalik kasi – oops, may nakalimutan pa akong pirmahan – tapos, presto! Nagbibilang na s’ya ng pera para sa akin. Yipee! Premyo! Dinero! Mwaah.

Sa wakas natapos na ang manager. Pagkatapos ng maigsi nilang pag-uusap, bumalik na nakangiti muli ang teller at sinabing okay daw kaya lang…

Teller: Local time po, okay lang?
Ako: (Duh). Ah, ano ibig sabihin noon?
Teller: Ibig sabihin po 3 days pa, sa Friday pa ang clearing. Kailangang-kailangan na po ba ang pondo?
Ako: Ah, hindi naman. (Then, I took a deep breath and took the risk of making a fool of myself). Bakit? Supposedly ba real-time?
(Was ‘real-time’ an acceptable banking term? Di kaya isipin nitong babae e saan kayang planeta akong nanggaling? Nagulat ako kasi ngumiti pa rin s’ya sa akin, as if napaka-normal ng mga tanong ko).
Teller: Opo. Normally kasi withdrawable na agad ito.
Ako: Oh. Okay lang. Thank you.

I walked out of the bank feeling so pleased with myself. Marunong na akong: (1) mag-encash ng tseke, at (2) mag-deposito ng tseke. Yahoo. At ang pinaka-mahalagang lesson na natutunan ko sa umagang iyon, ang lesson na naging gabay ko sa buong maghapon ay: Walang masamang magtanong kung talagang hindi mo alam. It does not make me a lesser person when I admit my ignorance and dare to ask.

Paglabas, naghanap ako ng xerox. Tawid, tanong… sira daw. Hmm. Next step, sumakay ng LRT. Pero nasa gitna ako ng dalawang istasyon. Isip, isip. Jeep? Lakad? Naisip ko, hay mas madaling maglakad. Ngayon alam mo na kung bakit nanakit ang aking binti. Umpisa pa lang ito.

So, sakay ng LRT, medyo nag-relax muna ako habang nakatayo at nakakapit sa hawakan, at pilit na nilalayo ang aking katawan sa isang babaeng nakadikit sa akin at pawisang pawisan. Thank God for Stored Value Tickets! Tapos, umakyat ako ng hagdan para makalipat sa MRT station. Sa wakas, nakaupo na ako sa MRT. Ganda ng pwesto ko. Malamig at maluwag.

God bless the person, kung sino man s’ya, who decided to designate the first few cars of the MRT as exclusive for females, seniors, preggies, and those with little kids. Parang LRT na din. Dati hindi e. Mas relaxed and feeling ko pag puro kami babae. Mapapansin mo, lahat relaxed. Pag-upo, sabay mga nagpapaypay and/or nagsusuklay, naglalabas ng salamin, nag-aayos ng sarili. Sabay yakap sa bag at tulog.

Ako naman, ayoko matulog. Kahit pa halimbawa sa dulong station ako bababa, ayoko pa rin. So, I took out my rosary and prayed while enjoying the view. Ganda ng panahon. Maaraw. Hassle mag-commute kapag umuulan.

Pagdating sa may bandang Cubao, nakita ko ang Nepa Q-Mart at naglaro ang isipan ko. Medyo na-senti ako. Naalala ko ang aking kabataan. Twice a year, tuwing magpapasukan at magpapasko, lumuluwas kaming mag-anak para mag-shopping sa Cubao. Yun yung mga panahon na naka-Gregg shoes pa ako sa school (‘yan ang sinisisi ko sa pagiging malaki ng binti ko. Matibay pero… man, ang bigat!). At ang tanging alam naming bilihan ay C.O.D. At kaligayahan ko ang pagsakay ng tren sa Fiesta Carnival. At ang paboritong-paboritong kainan ni Daddy ay Hong Ning. Yum, sarap. Kahit pa diring-diri si Mommy sa mga madudulas at plastic nilang mangkok. Eew.

I made a mental note to myself: must convince hubby (or sis) to accompany me to Gateway in Cubao. Gusto kong masaksihan ang mga naging pagbabago doon.

Oops, eto na. GMA-Kamuning station na. Bumaba na ako. Nasabi ko na ba sa’yo na sa maghapon ko kahapon ay isang tambak na security guard ang napagtanungan ko? Bukod pa dun ang mga iba pang taong nagbigay din sa akin ng direksyon.

Nagtanong ako sa guard (#1) kung saan banda ang PDEA. Itinuro, malapit lang daw. Puede din daw akong mag-tricycle sa baba ng station. Ting! Tama. Must conserve my energy. Nahanap ko ang tricycle. Pagkakamali ko, di ko naitanong sa guard kung magkano usually ang pamasahe. Sinigil ako ng 25 pesos!

So nakarating ako ng PDEA. Inspection ng bag, surrender ID, log in, tapos tanong (guard #2) kung saan nagre-renew ng S2. Akyat ako second floor. Labas ng requirements, fill out ng form, tingin-tingin sa mga katabi… antay sa babae (pansamantala s’yang nawala), akyat sa 3rd floor sa cashier, balik sa babae… tapos na! Mga 20 minutes lang siguro, tops. Nag-antay pa ako sa cashier kasi misteryoso ding nawala sandali. Ang galing! I was beginniing to feel good about our government agencies. Walang red tape! Puede ko na raw balikan para kunin ang ID ko sa Monday. (Later on, I got confused kasi ang nakalagay sa claim stub ko e October 8 pa, hmm). Kaya lang, kailangan ko talagang magdala ng TIN card para ma-claim yung ID ko. Ayayay.

Pagdating sa gate palabas, nagtanong ako (guard #3) kung saan ang East Avenue. Itinuro sa akin, sus, kalapit. Puede raw mag-pedicab sa kanto at 7 pesos lang daw ang bayad. God bless his heart. Kundi matataga na naman ako. Sabi ko nga 25 siningil sa akin nung tricycle. Masyado raw mahal. Hmp.

Paglabas, naisip ko gutom na ako. Mag-KFC kaya muna ako. Kaya pumara ako ng taxi at sumilip ako sa bintana, sabi ko dalhin ako sa KFC sa may Silahis Hotel. Aba ang driver, poker face lang sabay harurot. Bastos! Di man lang ako sinagot. Did not even bother to shake his head. Hay. Nagtanong ako sa parking attendant, “Agham ba ‘to?”. Oo raw. Walang taxi so I decided to take the pedicab. That was when I realized, hindi ‘to Agham Road.

Pagdating sa East avenue, inabot ko, with confidence, ang aking pitong piso ang never looked back. Lakad-lakad. Aha! KFC! Lakad-lakad pa ulit habang umiiwas sa napakaraming vendor at mga taong kumakain sa sidewalk. Fishball, kikiam, ulam na nakabalot sa plastic. Kakagutom. Binilisan ko pa ang lakad ko para makatakas sa usok ng sigarilyo ng mamang nasa harapan ko. That was when I realized, ngek. Walang tawiran papuntang KFC. Ayoko namang gumaya sa iba at mag-ober da island. Lakad-lakad pa. That was when I saw the SSS building. Naalala ko nung high school ako tumira ako sa tiya ko ng isang taon kasi pinaalis kami sa dormitoryo. Hindi dahil sa nagloko ako or nasipa. Itinatayo pa lang kasi ang dorm annex nun at kulang sa beds kaya pinalabas, sapilitan, ang lahat ng merong malapit na kamag-anak. Pagdating ng sunod na taon, balik dorm ako. Alala ko pa nun, umiikot pa ako from our school papuntang Pantranco, tapos Kamuning, tapos V. Luna. Tatlong sakay ng jeep! Loka-loka talaga. Samantalang ang napakadali sana kung nag-bus na lang ako. Kaya ngang lakarin mula sa school hanggang bahay kung tutuusin.

Then naisip ko, punta na kaya ako ng East Avenue Medical Center para kumuha ng yellow prescription? Ting! Yehey! Sa wakas. Lakad-lakad pa ulit. More vendors. Tinitingan ko ang sidewalk. Ang hirap maglakad. Bakit ba butas-butas ito, daig pang craters sa buwan? Mukhang may balak sana silang ayusin pero… bakit wala namang makitang mga nag-aayos? For a while, sa kalye kami naglalakad. Susme. Salamat at di kami nahagip ng mga rumaragasang bus.

Pagdating sa EAMC, I was tempted to ask the guard pero nakita ko ang paskel – Pharmacy. Pagdating dun, ay sa loob dawsa kabilang Pharmacy malapit sa ATM machine sabi ng pharmacist siguro yun. Pasok ako. May nakita akong taxi na huminto sa tapat ng Trauma Center. Nagmamadaling bumaba ang isang aleng merong dalang tsinelas, tinatawag ang guard at sabi patulong pagbaba ng pasyente. Yung guard tumango lang. Sumenyas papasok. Sabi ng babae di raw kayang maglakad nung mama. Wala pa rin. Pinagtulungan na lang nila ibaba. Pagod na siguro yung guard. Or maybe he realized wala sa job description n’ya yun.

Anyway, aircon ang Pharmacy. Salamat… lamig. Inantay ko yung lalaki na in charge sa yellow Rx. May nagtanong sa aking ale, mukhang hagas na hagas at pagod, saan daw ba humihingi ng tulong doon. Nag-kibit balikat lang ako at sabi ko hindi ko po alam. Tapos, nakaramdam ako ng guilt. Naisip ko, abutan ko kaya ng isang daan? Tapos dumating na ang lalaki at nakalimutan ko na yung ale. Binigyan ako ng form and logbook to fill out. Sinabi ko kukuha ako ng 3 booklets (50 prescriptions each yun). Tapos pinapabayad ako sa cashier. Pagdating dun, holy cow! Number 702 ako, nasa 670 pa lang.

Nuninuninu. Check ng text. Paypay. Check ng email sa phone, ayaw. Naisip ko, punta na kaya ako ng BIR to apply for my TIN card. Paano? Google sa phone… kainis, mga walang kwenta ang lumalabas sa search ko. Ay. Nood na lang muna ako ng Wowowee. Walang sound so tumitig lang ako sa screen mindlessly habang meron isang babae sa audience na paulit-ilit na ifino-focus ng camera man. Malaking babae na naka-blue na spaghetti shirt with plunging neckline. Maputi sya at well endowed. Yugyog ng yugyog habang… alam mo na. Enjoy si Willie. Hay. Sayang ang precious airtime.

Tinawagan ko tita ko para magtanong pano pumunta BIR. Tinuruan ako ng dalawa kong tiya. Natatawa ako habang kinekwento kung gaano pa kalayo ang number ko. Bakit, wala daw ba akong kakilala? Wala e. At saka okay lang, sabi ko. Lahat nakapila e. Kailangang makisama.

Yey, number 680-plus na. Nakita ko parating ang dalawing surgeons, mga kasabayan ko nung residente pa kami at nagro-rotate sila sa ospital namin. Umiwas ako ng tingin, sabay yuko, at nagtext. Wala ako sa mood makipag-kumustahan. Pihadong tatanungin kung saan na ako e wala pa nga. Kaya nga ako naglalakad ng kung anu-anong papeles. Pagdaan nila napansin ko, malakas ang boses nung isa. Mukha tuloy mayabang. Di pa rin nagbabago.

Yipee. Number 701. Ako na sunod. Pagkatapos, balik sa Pharmacy. Nginitian ako ng lalaki. “Haba po ng pila ano, Doc?”. Sabi ko, oo, grabe. I was tempted to say, “Di mo man lang ako winarningan”. But I found myself smiling at him and saying, “Pero okay lang kasi mabilis naman at maayos kasi may number”. Hello, ako ba ‘to? Optimistic? Ganun?! Sabay dagdag, “Pero sa susunod 5 booklet na ang kukunin ko, hehe”.

Paglabas, nagtanong ako sa lady guard (guard #4), saan papunta BIR. Yun ba yun? Sabay turo sa isang building na napaka-pamilyar sa akin. Tanaw kasi yun sa bintana sa dorm ko nung first year high school ako. Nai-drawing ko pa nga yun para sa isang art project. Di n’ya alam. Central bank daw ata yun.

Labas ako, lakad. Pagdating sa may labasan I asked two guards (guards #5 and #6). Oo daw, BIR papunta dun. Kaya bang lakarin? Oo raw. So lakad ulit sa butas-butas na sidewalk. Takip ng ilong kasi mausok. Tawid. Pagdating sa kabilang kanto, merong jeep. Hmmm. Sasakay ba ako? May nakita akong matandang lola na nagbabalat ng suhang tinda n’ya sa isang kariton. “Malapit lang ho ba ang BIR? Kayang lakarin?” Ah oo raw, malapit lang. Diretso lang, makikita ko puting building. Bait ni lola. God bless her heart.

Lakad-lakad. Dami palang government agencies dito, sunud-sunod. Parang sinadya ata sa bandang ito ng Q.C. Medyo hingal at pawisan na ako nun. I realized, “malapit lang” is relative. To think na lola pa yung napagtanungan ko. Kung sa kanya nga malapit lang ito, kaya ko ‘to!

Yey! BIR na. Laki pala ng compound. Pasok. Tanong ulit (guard #7), dito ba kumukuha ng TIN card? Sa Q.C. and dati kong employer e. Naku, ang alam daw n’ya sa BIR sa may Delta. Naku po. Tapos, binulungan ako malamang ng guardian angel ko. Sabi ko sa guard, punta na kaya ako dun or itanong ko muna sa loob. Tanong ko na lang daw muna para sigurado. Good answer! (mala-Family Feud).

Lakad papasok. Daming magagarang sasakyan ah. I was tempted to think evil thoughts re BIR employees but promptly guarded my neurons. Masama ‘yan. Papalapit sa building napansin ko daming taong nakaupo sa steps sa harap. Lapit ako sa guard para magtanong (guard #8). Lunch break pa daw e. Mag-antay muna. Akala ko wala ng lunch break ang mga government agencies? Anyway, 15 minutes na lang naman. I sat down on one of the steps, checked my to-do/errand list, and used the time to catch my breath.

Mamaya, pag lingon ko, nakapila na pala ang karamihan para sa pagpasok at inspection ng gamit. Nakipila na ako. Maayos ah. Disiplinado mga tao. May pag-asa pa ang Pilipinas, naisip ko. Pagdating sa info, nagtanong ako sa lady guard tungkol sa pakay ko (guard #9). Ay, hindi po dito mam. Labas po kayo sa kabilang building sa Verification. Yikes. Buti na lang at napaka-polite ng lady guard at nakangiti pa. I think she likes her job, God bless her heart.

Lakad ulit palabas, masakit na sa balat ang init ah. Nagpasalamat ako at nagpahid ako ng sunblock sa mukha nung umaga bago umalis ng bahay. Tamad kasi ako magpayong pag hindi naman para sa ulan. Pero sa dami ng ipinawis ko malamang nabura na ang sun block ko. Hmm. Saan kaya dito. Uy, isa pang lady guard (#10). Tanong ulit. Sa wakas, dun pala. Pagpasok ko, hay salamat, aircon. Nakita ko meron mga slips of paper so isinulat ko doon ang pangalan, TIN, at birthday ko. Habang ginagawa ko yun, kapansin-pansin na meron mga bata, mga elementarya pa lang na mga naka-sando at naka shorts na uniform, pakalat-kalat sa loob. Ah, mga galing school. Anak ng empleyado. Tapos nakita ko isang ale na natutulog ng nakaupo. That’s when I noticed, oops… patay pa pala ang ilaw. E ba’t bukas ang pinto? Umupo muna ako sandali. Nagpaypay… ooh, sarap ng lamig ng aircon. Kumakalam na ang tiyan ko. Saan kaya ako kakain?

After a few minutes, nilapitan na ko ng isang middle-aged lady. Nakangiti naman although halata na parang sawa na s’ya sa trabaho n’ya. Naku. Sa BIR Manila daw ako dapat. Nakita ‘ata ang blangko kong mukha. “Sa may Intramuros malapit sa Manila Cathedral”, dagdag n’ya. Yikes. Blangko pa rin. Sabi ko, “Bakit po kaya doon samantalang sa Quezon City ang dati kong employer?”. She then read out a very familiar Manila address. Dating apartment naming magkapatid nung dalaga pa ako/kami. Hehe. Naalala ko bigla na nagpunta nga pala ako doon sa Manila BIR some 6 years ago. I smiled at her sheepishly. Naglakad ulit palabas. Yey, merong pila ng taxi. SM City nga po.

Sakit ng paa ko at gutom na talaga pero masaya ako sa aking pagkakaupo. Ang dami kong memories sa lugar na ito ng Q.C. I took out my Notebook PDA and started crossing out some of my to-do’s. Sarap. Pure bliss. Nakalampas tuloy ang aking high school alma mater at nalimutan kong tingnan. Pinagmasdan ko na lang yung Gym. Luma na. Weird. Nung gumradweyt ako, ginagawa pa lang at di ‘sya lubusang tapos kaya ganun ang itsura. Ngayon, some 20 years later, ganun pa rin ang itsura kaso naluluma na. Hindi pala ito tuluyang naipatapos. Problema sa pondo, malamang.

Yey, SM City. Must look for lunch. Sa NBS ako ibinaba. Wow, lamig. Wow, pinalaki na. Wow, daming books on sale! Must. Restrain. Myself. Dami ko pa libro sa bahay na di nababasa. At dami ko pang pagkakagastusan. Pumila ako sa xerox, kapal ng hawak ng dalawang nasa unahan ko, e isang page lang ang ipapa-xerox ko. Makikusap ba ako? Forget it. Bumili na lang ako ng 3x5 index cards for my Hipster PDA, at saka carbon paper para sa yellow Rx at isang short brown envelope. Hay hirap magpigil.

Paglabas ko, I realized I needed to go to the restroom. Ayun, nasa dati pa ring lugar sa may kalapit ng NBS at tapat ng Our Tribe. I was amazed dahil halos hindi nagbago yung mga shops. Parang hindi 20+ years ang lumipas. Kaso, nalungkot ako panandalian kasi naalala ko si Daddy. Kaka-miss. Marami-rami ring minuto ang itinayo ni Daddy sa kantong yun malapit sa CR, NBS, at Mr. Quickie. Doon n’ya kami inaantay habang nakapila sa pag-ihi kaming tatlong mag-iina. Kaka-miss talaga.

Pagkatapos, nakita ko ang McDo.Umorder ako ng 1-pc chicken meal at large coke. Ah, sarap. Lamig! Uhaw na uhaw pala ako. Sabay labas ng Biogesic at Myonal kasi naninigas na batok ko. Naisip ko na di na siguro mabibilang ang dami ng beses na kumain ako sa McDo na yun. Lalo na siguro sa McDo sa Quezon Avenue, tapat ng NBS.

I felt happy when I realized na tumatanda na talaga ako and that I have attained some degree of maturity. Wala na akong hang-ups about eating in a restaurant by myself. Dati I felt so conscious, as if nakakaawa ako kasi wala akong kausap. Ngayon, di ko na nga naiisip na mag-isa pala ako. Kebs. Tapos natanaw ko yung isang shop sa dako paroon, yung nagtitinda ng mga glittery na formal wear.

Parang kailan lang ng pagalitan kaming mga kabarkada ko nung 3rd year high school at pinalabas sa tindahan na yun. Paano kasi, we were laughing our heads off sa mga OA at halos outlandish na mga long gowns nila. Naghahanap kami ng maisusuot sa prom and couldn’t help laughing at their wares hanggang sa magsisakitan na ang tiyan namin at naluluha na kami. Nabwiset ang tindera. Nga naman. Pero ang saya namin noon!

Pagkakain, solved! Naglakad na ulit ako. My feet were happy to have gotten some rest. Saan kaya meron computer shop para makapagpa-print ako ng document na kailangan kong ipadala sa Mommy ko? Uy, guard. (Guard number, teka… anong number na ba? Ah, #11). Sa Annex daw, itinuro ko. Sabi ko anong floor. Di na sinagot. Tapos I asked kung saan ang daan papuntang MRT. Na-realize ko na nakakarami na akong guard so kailangan ko na rin itanong para alam ko na ang daan pag-uwi ko mamaya.

Pagdating sa Annex, aba ibang-iba na. Una, wala na yung parang latang bridge/walkway papunta doon galing sa Main Building. Tumutunog-tunog pa yun dati pag nilalakaran. Naalala ko na nandoon sa Annex ang French Baker at saka, ano pa nga ba yung isang shop na lagi naming pinupuntahan nina Mommy noon? Di ko maaalala. Ah, favorite ko din puntahan noon yun isang bookstore… no, office supplies store na meron mga Fiesta greeting cards. Ano nga ba yun? Bakit naalala ko ang itsura ng plastic bag nila (white na meron greenish lines) pero di ko maalala pangalan ng tindahan? Aaah… Expressions! Yes! Kaka-miss.

Anyway, malaki na yung Annex! As in. Nakakaligaw! Maganda at mukhang bago! Pero nakaramdam ako ng konting lungkot. Una, kasi ang hirap puntahan ng mga escalator, paikot-ikot. Lakad pa rin! More importantly, nalungkot ako kasi nawala na yung dating Annex… parang itinangay ang napakarami kong memories of it. Masaya kami namamasayal doon dati ng pamilya namin. Pati nung best friend ko. At pati ng isang kaklase ko nung high school whom I dated when I was in college at muntik ko nang maging boyfriend kaso naudlot/natauhan ako. (Baka pati rin s’ya, hehe).

Naku nasa 4th at 5th level ang Cyberzone. Katakut-takot na pag-ikot para makaakyat ng escalator. Wala masyadong namimili. Mukhang bored yung isang saleslady at nakatayo na sa labas ng shop n’ya. I was half-expecting her to shout, “Bili na kayo!”. That’s when I heard the most amusing line I’ve ever heard in a really long time. I never thought I’d live to hear it. “Those who have submitted their robots, please take your seats”.

That poked my curiosity big time. Sumilip ako sa activity center. Daming mga estudyante, karamihan high school. I read the sign. The 8th Philippine Robotics Olympiad. Saya! I quickly scanned the crowd to look for my schoolmates… ayun!

Napaka-high tech ng mga kabataang ito. Kanya-kanyang laptop bawat grupo. Naka-Mac pa ang iba. Samantalang ako noon, naka-Wordstar at naka-save ang data sa Floppy Disk. Hehe. F-something pa nga para mai-sentro ang isang line. Kakaaliw isipin.

Tapos sabi ng emcee na mukhang naiirita na, “Pleeeease, sit down. Don’t worry, your robots are safe”. Aliw talaga ako. I must have looked silly; couldn’t get my grin off my face. I felt… ancient. Naisip ko, grabe, pag ganito ang magiging homework ng mga anak ko, hindi ko sila matutulungan. Hanggang moral support na lang ako.

I finally found the computer shop I’d been looking for and finally got my printing job done. I retraced my steps back to the other building. Nakita ko ang LBC, pinadala ko ang aking package kay Mommy, tapos bumalik ako sa mall at naisip ko, kailangan nga pala ng bagong khaki shorts ng anak ko for school.

Napadaan ako sa mga medyas and got myself a pack of 3 cotton foot socks. Sana okay. I know, I know, I should have bought only one kasi di ko pa alam kung okay sa akin. Ewan ko ba kung bakit nagpadala ako dun sa saleslady. Sabi kasi n’ya makakatipid ako sa tatlo. Haller.

Laking tuwa ko nang makita ko na yung shorts ng anak ko na out of stock sa SM Makati ay available. Di lang yun, 50% off pa. As in! Kasi raw i-phase out na ang shorts sa brand nila at puro pants na lang ang gagawin. Sayang naman, sabi ko. Yung kanila ang pinakamatibay sa lahat ng nasubukan namin. Di agad nanu-nutnot ang tela. Anyway, maya-maya lang magpa-pants na rin ang panganay ko.

Tapos, nagpunta ako sa toy section. Alam mo, kaming mag-asawa nagkasundo kami na hindi namin sasanayin ang mga bata na nasusunod lahat ang gusto nila. Kaso, lately, di ko alam kung bakit maya’t maya ay nagpapabili sila sa amin ng iba’t ibang klaseng laruan. Yun pala, bukod sa nakikita sa mga commercials na isinisingit sa cartoons, nalaman ko sa yaya nila na halos linggo-linggo ay kanya-kanyang dala ng mga bagong laruan ang mga kaklase nila.

Nakaramdam ako ng awa. Although ayaw namin na lumaki silang materyoso, ayoko din naman na maramdaman nila na deprived sila, lalo na’t meron naman pambili kahit na papano. So dinampot ko ang isang 4-pack ng Play-Doh at isang set ng Pizza Maker na Play-Doh rin. Habang nakapila ako sa kahera, isip ko balato ko na ito sa kanila sa premyong napanalunan ko. Ang saya, excited akong umuwi. Tinext ko ang aming kasambahay para sabihin sa mga bata na ‘wag manood ng TV at meron akong surprise na pasalubong.

Pagkabayad, tinanong ko ang saleslady kung paano makarating sa MRT station. Kahit na naitanong ko na kanina, dahilo lumayo na ako e na-disorient akong muli. Itinuro naman sa akin. Naglakad ako papalabas sa Garden ng SM. Ganda. Maaraw pero mahangin. Nakaka-relax yung mga green na halaman at damuhan. Lalo na yung mga maliit-liit na pond na mababato. In fairness, maganda na ang SM, parang kagaya na ng mga Ayala Malls. Note to Self: sana makumbinse ko asawa ko na gumimik kami dito minsan, kahit na malayo. Para maiba naman.

Oops, asan na ba ang tawiran? Yes! Nakakita ulit ng guard. (Guard #12). Itinuro sa akin.

So, tumawid ako papunta Trinoma gamit ang bridge, baba ng hagdan, tawid, akyat papasok, tapos labas ulit papunta MRT station. Magtatanong pa sana ulit ako sa guard pero naisip kong tingnan na lang ang mga signs kasi maganda ang mga signs ng Ayala Malls. Baba ulit para makatawid sa kabilang side, tapos akyat. Hingal. Antay ng tren. Pilit kong isiniksik ang sarili ko kahit na muntikan nang abutan ng sumasarang mga pinto. Whew. Pag-upo ko sa loob, my aching feet sighed in relief. Pahinga. Maya-maya meron umakyat na matandang lola. Naisip ko, naku po, papaupuin ko ba si lola, siguradong hanggang dulo na ako hindi makakaupo pag ibinigay ko itong lugar ko. Bago pa ako makapag-desisyon, may isang babae na tumayo at nagbigay-daan sa matanda. Hay. God bless her soul. I really wanted to rest my tired legs.

Habang nakasakay sa MRT, bumuhos ang ulan. Nagdasal ako panandalian at sabi ko, sana hindi baha sa Malate pag-uwi ko. Pagkarating sa kabilang dulo ng linya ng MRT, siksikan kaming lumabas, kontra sa mga taong nagpupumilit nang pumasok kahit na papalabas pa lang kami. Tapos, siksikan din paakyat ng escalator. Normally, nag-aantay ako hangganag mag-subside ang crowd o kaya sa hagdan ako umaakyat para makaiwas sa siksikan. Pero pagod na ako at atat ng makauwi.

Sakay ng LRT. Maya-maya lang napansin ko na huminto na ang ulan. Ang bait talaga ni Lord. Pagbaba ko, ano ba… nagkamali ako ng tawid. Napalayo pa akong lalo sa amin. Disoriented. Bumalik ako at tumawid papunta sa kabilang direksiyon. Pasalamat talaga ako at mayroong LRT at MRT. Sana dumami pa sila.

Maya-maya lang, ayan na. Nilalaro na ng mga anak ko ang Play-Doh. Tuwang-tuwa sila. Ang panganay na lalaki, agad na binuo ang kanyang Solar System. Mahusay! Ang Mars, red talaga. Ang Jupiter, pinakamalaki talaga. At ang Earth, napakaganda. Pinaghalo n’ya ang blue at green. Nagpasalamat ako at naisip ko, kanino kaya nagmana ng pagka-artistic ang batang ito? Parang kailan lamang e sinabi sa akin ng doktor na autistic s’ya. Matapos ang halos 2 taon na kaka-therapy at check up, eto na s’ya. Napaka-daldal at matanong. Ikaw ang susuko.

Ang pangalawa kong babae, excited an excited na gumawa ng mga maliliit na pagkain at gumawa ng pizza n’ya. Pinaghalo-halo kaagad ang mga kulay. Pipigilin ko sana at sasabihan to keep the colors segregated. Buti na lang, I was able to stop my ok-ok self and just let go and let the kids be.

Ang bunso, napakatahimik. Walang-imik pero tuloy ang paggawa ng sarili n’yang mga pieces. Bunso s’ya pero kaya n’yang makipagsabayan sa mga kapatid n’ya. Tahimik lang pero halatang enjoy. Naupo ako sa dining. Itinaas ko ang aking paa at binasa ang mga letters mula sa eskwelahan. Bingo tickets. 400 pesos bawat bata. Hehe. Here we go again.

Nilabas ko ang aking Notebook PDA at muling tiningnan ang mga na-accomplish ko. I felt very good about myself. Sulit ang pawis at sakit ng binti. Natuwa din ako nung naisip ko, siguro pumayat ako sa maghapong kakalakad ko. Sabay kuha ng matamis na biscuit pang-meryenda.

Iniisip ko, ano ba ang kakaiba sa naging maghapon ko at parang ibang klaseng saya ang naidulot nito sa akin. Pinagmuni-munihan ko kanina at eto ang mga naisip ko:

Masaya kasi may na-accomplish akong mga bagay-bagay na bago kahapon ay parang ang hihirap gawin at di ko alam kung paano. Nagawa ko sa tulong ng mga taong handa naman palang tumulong basta magtatanong lang.

Tapos, each turn of event was unexpected… halos unplanned. Ang saya din palang maging spontaneous paminsan-minsan, kahit na sa maliliit na bagay.

I realized din na, contrary to my nature, I tried my best to get the most out of each situation. To think positive. To see the glass half-full. I tried my best, again, contrary to my nature, to keep from whining.

Isa pa, mas magaan pala ang buhay when we try to make light of the situation and look for things that amuse us or make us happy. Index cards. Robotics. Simple.

Lastly, nakakasaya din pala ang pagbalik-tanaw sa mga pangyayari sa nakaraan. Kahit na mayroon konting lungkot na kasama, maganda pa rin alalahanin. At the same time, i-embrace din ang mga bago sa ating buhay. At magpasalamat sa mga magagandang changes na nangyayari.

Ang saya. Salamat kay Lord.

Paano kaya pumunta ng BIR Manila? Makakailang guard na naman kayo ako? ;)

Old Dog, New Tricks

I wanted to write about how tiring yet fulfilling today has been. A few interesting things have happened and I can’t wait to tell you about it. But now, I have this huge headache… so I’ll just proceed with jotting down the things I learned today…

Today, I learned…

1.… how to encash a check.
2.… how to deposit a check.
3.… how to commute to PDEA (LRT – MRT – tricycle)
4.… that one can walk from PDEA to East Avenue Medical Center to BIR (and still live to tell her story)
5.… that the building I sketched for an assigned art project 21 years ago from my high school dormitory window was, and still is, the BIR building
6.… that one needs to go to the BIR branch where the TIN was first registered in order to get the TIN card
7.… that the TIN card, previously unheard of, is now essential in many government transactions (sigh, as if things aren’t difficult enough)
8.… that carbon paper still exists (and is being sold in pack of 10’s at NBS)
9.… that it is okay to ask for directions. (Today alone, I have asked for directions from more than half a dozen security guards, a lola selling suha on a kariton, a parking attendant, and a few salesclerks).
10.… that people are almost always willing to help.
11.… that nothing boosts the kids’ creativity like 4 new jars of Play-Doh
12.… that Company B will stop selling khaki shorts soon (and so the rest of their stocks are now on a half-price sale…yey!)

Lessons from the Bamboo

Plans are made. Then reality sets in.

No matter how much planning or anticipation one puts in, things are bound to get bumped by unforeseen circumstances. Weather. Heavy rains and floods, to be exact. Health. Other people. Lack of resources.

A wise person plans ahead. And an even wiser person makes plans AND is able to improvise as the need arises.

I remember when I was in high school, one of our school projects as freshman was to write a “Book of Myself”. Though a few of my classmates sneered at the idea (“tsismosa lang ‘yang teacher natin”), I embraced it. I loved writing about my loved ones, about the place I grew up in, about the friends I’ve left behind in the province, and… ahem, about myself.

Anyway, when my project was checked, the allegedly tsismosa teacher (whom, by the way, I loved and admired) wrote a short note on the first page. She wrote something positive (I forgot what it was). But what struck me the most was this piece of advice: Bend a little so you won’t snap.

My young heart did not get it. I had to ask my mom what she thought the teacher was trying to say. Now, as I grew up and have had my share of disappointments and failures in life, I know what she truly meant.

The mango tree is probably one of the sturdiest trees and largest trees I have ever seen. I remember my mom refusing my request to plant one in our garden when we moved to our own home. She said its roots burrow too deep and far into the ground and that it is able to demolish other plants, even concrete fences! But no matter how strong the tree may seem, when typhoons come, it can topple over, succumbing to very strong winds. Uprooted, it falls to the ground.

Not the lowly bamboo. It is thin, its stalk not as hard as the mango or narra. But when winds blow, the bamboo learns how to sway with the wind. It willingly bends and humbles itself through the storm. After the clouds have cleared, the bamboo emerges alive and victorious. Its resilience and pliability are the reasons why the bamboo is tough.

Many times, my ok-ok (read: obsessive-compulsive) self needs to keep this lesson in mind.

Oh, what great comfort!

10 September 2009
10:26 AM

Oh, what great comfort!

As usual, I find out that the things I’ve been fretting about were baseless and, therefore, useless.

The recent weeks were supposed to be the most relaxed and free weeks of my adult life. But instead of being happy and enjoying each moment, I felt pressured. I perceived my mother’s words of encouragement and gentle reminders as subtle ‘demands’ for me to start living up to my mission-slash-occupation. I felt that with each day that passed, I was slowly turning into a disappointment. Tamad. Tambay. Batugan.

I know, I know. Such harsh words. But you must understand… one of my biggest weaknesses is my tendency to condemn myself, and another equally-hard to beat trait is my penchant for being defensive. Plus, any indication that I might have displeased someone, anyone, more so a loved one, is enough to drag me down.

Earlier this morning, the short phone conversation my mother and I had was more than I needed to lift up my spirits. She alleviated my worries and fears. She reassured me that there was no need to stress and beat myself up for what actually is an imaginary, self-imposed deadline. She gave me a gentle reminder to tackle first things first and to prioritize. Any task accomplished was good. So long as I didn’t spend my days sitting on my butt.

That meant I can now afford to breathe, relax a bit, and focus on my upcoming research paper presentation and the equally important task of buying myself a decent outfit for my oath-taking. Good, good, good!

Hubby, on the other hand, has always been very supportive and, though I know he can use help, he never gave any indication that he wanted me to start working/earning ASAP. I am very blessed to have supportive and patient loved ones. I really am grateful. I need to make a mental note to myself to always strive to be the same to others.

Where to? And how in the world do i get there from here?

Life has been great. After what seemed to be a slow creep, my career is about to be launched. I feel like a fledgling, perched on the nest’s edge, waiting for mother bird’s gentle nudge. I know my wings are ready. So many years have been spent strengthening them for the long flight. But now, as I get ready to take off, I tremble and feel a pang of fear.

Can I do it? Do I truly know which way to go? And when I finally am able to settle which direction to pursue… is it really what I want?

These are things I dare not share with others for fear of being ridiculed or accused of being a sloth. I dare not because I am not so sure if the ridicule and accusations really are untrue.

I feel this strong urge to do something on my own. I long to break free of structure, of the chains that bind me to my career. I envy people who are able to work from home and manage themselves. I long to be creative. To write as I want. To read as I want. To play music. To be read. And to be heard.

I feel envious of Leo Babauta (of Zen Habits and Write to Done) who is able to support his family because of the blogs he writes. He stays home most of the time and seems to be in utter control of his schedule. He runs. He lives the minimalist, uncluttered life. And best of all, he appears to be very happy with the life he has chosen to live.

I give myself time. I may be feeling this way only because starting out is never easy. And the easiest thing to do when one faces a brick wall of resistance is to turn back or change one’s directions. I ask the Lord for strength to climb past the big wall so that I can enjoy the green fields that lie beyond. And, if I am not meant to climb such, I ask for the grace to discern the direction I should take.

Countless articles have given this single important advice: to know which path to take, one has to know his best strengths. His talents and gifts. And so I pause, I ask myself, and once again, I am completely dumbfounded.

I do love to read but I cannot think of a way to earn from this love. I write but my capacity is far from being extraordinary; surely one cannot earn a living from writing such as this. I play the guitar and can shoot pictures, but my skills are not far better than the next Juan or Juana. What to do, what to do?

And then I think of all the years of preparation that brought me to where I am. Years of training, countless hours of hospital duty and out-patient clinics, research papers, presentations and lectures, and examinations. All amounting to significant time away from my loved ones. Time away from hobbies and personal pursuits. I guess I know now what I have been called to be and to do. I am called to become a doctor, an _____ist, a ______logist. To make sense of all the blood, sweat, prayers and countless buckets of tears that helped me through all of the difficulties, I have to be one. A good one.

What to do with this restlessness and feeling of lack of direction?

I pray to God. As I type this, I beg Him to take hold of my hand, let me not stumble, and show me the way.

Guilt and Pleasure

There are certain things about myself that I am neither proud of nor happy about.

For instance, I do not like how I get swayed so easily.
Yesterday, despite all the errands (groceries, things that I needed to buy for the kids, birthday present for hubby, etc), I was bent on going to St. Jude afterwards for our Thursday novena. I find myself at a fork in the road and am badly in need of guidance and help. Before I knew it, hubby and I found ourselves in the midst of a shopping frenzy. It was the start of a huge, 3-day, mall-wide sale and we were pleased to find a leather belt and a nice polo for him at great discounts. Initially, we decided to go to mass at a nearby chapel instead; later on, we thought maybe we’d just drop by and pay our Lord a visit. We ended up doing no one of these. Lesson: I should really do the more important things before anything else. As productivity gurus would say – move the big rocks first.

I also feel a twinge of guilt because I am loving my state of ‘jobless-ness”. I like being home. I like welcoming the kids when they come home from school. I love the way a whole day stretches on before me with no need for an itinerary. I am thrilled at the prospect of being able to pick up one of my books, whichever my heart desired. I feel guilty because I am enjoying this. Too much.

Hubby has been very supportive and tells me to take all the time I need to prepare for my practice. Mom, on the other hand… her anxiety is almost palpable whenever we talk over the phone about my plans (or lack of it). It’s as if she is too scared that I might be taking too much of my precious time, dilly-dallying instead of starting what I have been preparing myself for for years and years. Who can blame her?

I’d like to think that I know myself better. I force my mind to go back to the time when I was pregnant with our youngest and needed to go on bed rest for weeks. It was terrible. I never enjoyed it and I was more than eager to get off my butt and start doing meaningful, useful things with my time. But then again, everybody else wanted me to stay in bed. Though I always get myself in trouble because I try too hard to please everyone, there is also this rebellious streak that takes pleasure in doing the exact opposite of others expect me to.

I take one day at a time and try to refuse to worry. I have written down all the tiny, not necessarily easy, steps that need to get done before I can start my work. I wish I could just go straight to working right away without going through all the paper work and boring tasks that I very much despise. But of course, this is not the case. As a certain wise person said anonymously – All things are difficult before they are easy.

God sent me a gentle reminder today. Saint Paul says,

We all have different gifts that God has given to us by His loving-favor. We are to use them. – Romans 12;6

He did not say we are to use them if it isn’t too difficult or tiring or boring. We are to use them. Period.

More on Decluttering

More on decluttering

It is not helpful at all times.

My last post brought back memories of my life in med school. Whenever I needed to study for a tough exam (that is practically, every single day), I find myself fixing things in my tiny space in the dorm room (I shared the room with three other people). I fix my bed. I wash my undies. I fix my closet. Finally, I stack my huge textbooks repeatedly and organize my notes, sorting them according to subject and/or priority, and I check my supplies of pens and highlighters. I then take a shower and fall fast asleep.

Indecision and Decluttering

When I stand on the edge of a very important decision or a really difficult task, I find myself puttering about. I grab hold of my to-do list and set out to do the most mundane tasks. Simply put, the no-brainer to-dos get first pick. Next to praying and writing, this is the best way I know how to handle the stresses of my adult life.

One should never underestimate the peace brought forth by the act of decluttering. For the past week my mind has been a mish-mash of plans, options, endless possibilities. I do not know which way to go. I ask my loved ones. Though they mean well and wish the best for me always, their numerous suggestions sometimes leave me more confused than ever.

As I go through my piles of clutter (mostly paper), I weed out the irrelevant, the old, and the ones that can be easily retrieved should the need arise. Throwing things out turns into an act of purging. As I get rid of the trash that occupies much of valuable space in the room/house, I also begin to free myself of useless anxieties. Dusting off surfaces that have long been neglected, I clear out the negative thoughts and feelings that lurk in the deepest crevices of my mind.

Grinning to myself as I look on to my decluttered room and desk, I realize that I know now what to do.

Yin and Yang

I feel so stupid. How could I have let a really important deadline pass me by?

I am so ashamed of myself.

Now… deep breath. Forgive myself. Forget the past. Time to move on.

And before I forget… what a wonderful (long) weekend we had! Nothing beats time with the whole family (whole meaning mine, my sister’s, plus Mommy). Sharing yummy food. Watching the kids having fun - in the pool, chasing a tiny blue butterfly, or simply enjoying the moment. Happy, happy, happy!

Things I Learned Today

(Written on my phone as I waited in line for my doctor)

1. Be grateful always to everyone (especially to God) and for everything - be it big or small.
2. Never talk ill of others. When they treat you well it will put yourself to shame.
3. We can make plans but they can only take us so far. God ALWAYS takes care of the rest.
4. When our plans are not up to speed with God’s, be ready to improvise.
5. Stop the worrying. Identify the problem. Then do something about it. (I woke up today with a headache. There were a lot of things on my to-do list so I whined and whined. Then I ate breakfast, took my meds, and rested quietly for two hours. After that, the headache was gone and I was good to go).
6. Did I say thank, thank, thank?

I am sorry...

… for being super-duper grouchy to everyone at home - hubby, the kids, and the yayas.
… for missing scripture and prayers.
… for missing out on my gratitude journal for two days. No wonder I was being so whiny and negative about things.

Saying 'No'

This thing is beginning to give me a headache… oh Lord, please give me the guts to say ‘No’ when I mean it. The guts to say it over and over when the person asking is unrelenting. The guts to stick to my guns when the other person refuses, time and again, to take the ‘No’ for an answer. The courage to make decisions for myself and to set my priorities, specifically, to choose time with my family over the less essential things.

The letter came today. Now it's official. Praise God! Thanks Mama Mary, Saint peter and Saint Paul. Bless evryone who prayed for and with me.

Loving Thy Neighbor

I have decided to make good use of my time at home. I set out to teach our youngest her ABCs, and to help our 4-year-old to master writing her name.

It’s embarrassing. Our youngest, now three, does not know her ABCs. Her Kuya knew all 26 letters by heart at that age. I do not remember consciously teaching him the alphabet because two years ago, I was buried deep in work/training, hospital duty, and innumerable other tasks. But I surrounded him with a lot of books on the alphabet, and flashcards.

The flashcards are now long gone, hapless victims of the kids’ rough-handling. The books I very well remember. One of those was exactly the same as the one I had when I was little.

When I was very young, parents and titas showered me with gifts of books. I will never forget my big, hardboard set of Froebel-Kan books. As a little kid, I remember staring endlessly at the pretty, very detailed pictures of the frog and the princess and their sumptuous royal dinner. The same set of books were also very useful as shelter for my teddy bear and dolls; because they were very stiff, I would make the books stand up as walls, and I could manage to put another book as roof on the top. As I learned how to read, I discovered my insatiable appetite for books and read them countless times.

Imagine how delighted I was when I chanced upon exactly the same set of hardboard books at a Goodwill bookstore a few years ago. And they were on sale! I grabbed as many as my budget allowed. As soon as I got home, I stuck a sticker that bore my kids’ names (two, at that time) on each of the books’ cover. I’d like to think the two elder kids enjoyed them. I got a kick out of reading to them or simply seeing them staring at the pictures.

Now, we had a helper for almost two years whose sister lived in the same compound, just two doors away from us. This sister had a son, and later a daughter, just a bit younger than our kids. (Can you now see where I am going?). Last year, one of the yayas reported that she could not cut the kids’ nails because the small nailclipper was missing. It made me very angry to discover that the yaya had to go to the other house whenever one of our kids had to have their nails clipped to “borrow” what was rightfully ours. I confronted the helper… it was ugly, and after that the nailclipper magically reappeared.

Later on, hubby found out the same helper had been bringing food out of the house. Now, now… I know we were better off than her sister’s family; the husband worked for a hardware store and was probably earning minimum wage. But that did not give them reason to take what was not rightfully theirs. Also, we regularly shared food (cake, sweets) and old but still decently usable kids’ clothes and shoes for the sister’s kids.

Fast forward to the present. The helper is, thankfully, no longer with us. As soon as she left, we found out that a lot of Kuya’s beloved toy cars were gone. Some of their other toys are missing. Miraculously, our groceries now last much, much, much longer than before. We couldn’t help but notice. The detergent, which before lasted not longer than a week, now can sustain us up to two weeks! Even the oil, produce, rice… everything lasted longer than before. This confirmed our suspicions. And one of our yayas allegedly saw some of the kids’ toys and books in the other house. They were all battered up and when the yaya dared to ask the sister why those books were there, she said, “Itatapon na ang mga ‘yan ni ___ (helper’s name)”.

I was very angry but decided against confronting them. One never wins such arguments. They will always be defensive and feel “api”. For a while I stopped smiling at the sister, stopped acknowledging her when we ran into each other in the compound. But later, I again started giving her small smiles.

Today, with the exam over, I began looking for the kids’ alphabet books, particularly the hardboard one. It was gone! I was very mad (again). Mad at the helper who’s long gone. Mad at the neighbor. And mad at myself. Did I think that our youngest will just learn the alphabet all by herself? She is very smart and has a vocabulary that never ceases to amaze me, but sadly, does not know A from B from C.

This afternoon, I will be going out on a much-anticipated date with my sister. I will make sure to drop by the bookstore to replenish our stocks. And order Robee stickers to label them with the kids’ names, hoping that this time, the labels will work.

Loving one’s neighbors is not a very easy thing to do.