Anytime. All The Time.

This is too funny. Things like these always happen in cycles. One can only manage to laugh knowing that everything always turns out for the better in the end.

Just ten days ago, I’ve written about how things were looking up and proceeded to enumerate the things I was really grateful for. Countless blessings! Now, I remain grateful… with just a few “concerns” (a.k.a. worries) in my mind.

I felt quite okay after my check up with the ear specialist and was, in fact, feeling more than fine that I dragged my aunt for some halu-halo and a little more chit-chat afterwards. When evening came, I began to feel distraught. By some unexplainable coincidence (?), I began to have tinnitus on my other ear, too. I remember very distinctly the exact moment when it happened. I was on my bed, right ear on the pillow, when I noted that my tinnitus on the left turned unusually loud. Then, I felt fullness on my left ear and it suddenly shifted to the right. This was followed by very loud tinnitus on my right. So I now have tinnitus on both ears. And it’s been like that ever since.

Hubby thinks it may all be related to stress, brought about my worrying after having spoken to Dr. C. He may be right. But this kind of reasoning is not easy to accept. It’s like saying that I brought this illness upon myself. Like I battered my brain enough for the thoughts to become real. As if I’ve willed my body to act this way; worse, with my consent.

Actually, Dr. C.’s advise sounded very logical, very intelligent, and somehow, encouraging. Get the ear tests done. Have the CT scan done (just to make sure that there’s no tumor and to see whether I am at risk of having sudden permanent hearing loss). Take the vitamin B and give it two months. Come back with the results and we’ll see.

Things have become a bit more complicated because… I have reason to believe that I may be pregnant. We’ve been keeping things “under control” for years; our youngest will be turning four in a couple of months. But we may have been not careful enough this month. And everyone knows how “fertile” we can get.

Hubby has been laughing off my worries about our being pregnant. In fact, he has been very relaxed and “un-worried” about the whole thing. But this morning, I got a glimpse into the inner workings of his heart when he very casually mentioned that he has decided to cut down on some of our expenses.

Instead of the original plan of buying two new LCD TVs (one for the den and the other for our bedroom), we’ll be buying just one (for our bedroom). We can then settle for our old one (currently at the repair shop) for the den. We won’t be buying a new sala set yet as this can wait. And then he said, “Baka mahaba pa ang gamutan mo. Ayoko nang kokonti ang cash na hawak natin”.

Yesterday, I had a bad case of what seemed like an intestinal flu. I tossed and turned on my bed the night before because of intermittent gnawing epigastric pain. I thought it may be hyperacidity caused by incessant worrying. Morning came and I had 3 explosive episodes of diarrhea and suffered from crampy on and off tummy ache the whole day. I vaguely remembered suffering from the exact same thing during the first few weeks of my pregnancy with our youngest.

Today, I felt a little better, still with some tummy ache though (until now, as I write). When I walked into my clinic, the first thing I noticed was the intolerable, noxious odor of my secretary’s perfume. I thought to myself – bago kaya pabango n’ya? And then tonight, I barely touched my dinner. It was adobo. The dish that I very much detested during my pregnancies. All three of them. Now hubby’s worried.

To add to this list, this morning, our yaya who’s been with us for the past 2 months said that she’d be leaving tomorrow morning. Hubby was irked; he wanted at least a month’s notice, enough time for us to look for a replacement. I was mad, too, thinking of all the work that needs to be done because of our move to our new home (in two weeks!). But part of me (a bigger part of me) felt relieved as this particular yaya has been getting of my nerves for weeks! Wala nang ginawa kundi tumambay sa kapitbahay. Plus a serious attitude problem. Frankly, I’d be very happy to see her off. I hope our other favorite yaya does not abandon us. I called on my Tita A and tomorrow she is coming to our rescue. Ever-reliable. As my other tita said after I thanked her profusely, “Anytime. All the time.” Beautiful words. Like music to my heart.

Once again, I just scoop up all of these concerns and throw them up in the air… away with all my worries and issues. God cares for me. God cares for us. Anytime. All the time.

More On My Tnnitus

Today, with the help of Tita J, I finally dragged myself to the ear specialist, Dr. C. I have been trying my best to ignore my tinnitus for the past 10 months. I tried to live with it with as little whining as possible (I have been barely successful with this one, hubby can attest to that).

I have finally managed to make time for it. I cancelled my clinic for today. After having spoken with Dr. C (for a long time), I am hopeful as she says there is 75% chance that she may be able to do something about it. It also dawned on me that Dr. C. is THE ear specialist, the ear “goddess” and I should have come to see her a lot sooner. For years she was one of only two doctors in the country doing cochlear implants.

These are the most important points I’ve gathered from the check-up:
• I should have continued taking mecobalamin for a long time. She has data to back it up. She did the study from which the data were gathered. And I should have taken it for two months.
• The hearing on my left ear (based on my hearing test done last week) is normal. But the hearing on my right ear (the “normal” ear) is slightly impaired. The tympanic membrane on my left though is slightly less pliant than the one on my right.
• And because I have tinnitus but normal hearing on my left ear, it makes the work-up and treatment more complicated. If my hearing were impaired, she would just prescribe a hearing aid with a mask for my tinnitus and that was it. Not true in my case.
• After she had learned that I was sensitive to loud, high-pitched sounds, she decided I needed to have a CT scan of my temporal bone done. This was to check whether there was any mass and to see if the base of the skull, the bone that separates my brain from my ear was too thin. It being too thin would put me at risk of breaking it and suffering from sudden, total, and permanent hearing loss. If it were too thin I would have to refrain from straining and strenuous activities such as running, lifting, etc. As she said those words, I felt the smile on my face gradually disappear.
• I could have benefitted from an MRI of the ear if it were done within the two months of the onset of my tinnitus/zoster oticus. It could have helped document any autoimmune inner ear inflammation. I asked, SLE? Not sure, but they have seen such autoimmune cases.
• I was advised to eliminate caffeine from my diet. Coffee, alcohol, softdrink of any kind. And less salt (horrors!). And I’m not so sure if I heard her right when she said artificial sweets.
• I asked if it could have been drug-induced? I had regular intake of ibuprofen and aspirin for my headaches. She said yes but that it was hard to say since almost all drugs available listed tinnitus as one of the side effects.

I will have the CT scan done as soon as I get my period. In the meantime, I will start taking my mecobalamin. And pray to God for healing.

Lots To Be Thankful About

Had 2 patients today at U__ (1 was HMO) and zero patient at S____. Frankly, I do not feel bad. I felt kinda relieved actually. In the next few days/one and a half week, we’ll be preoccupied. There’s my repeat pure tone audiometry test and ENT consult (4th opinion!) that’s long overdue. Plus our moving in to our new home is happening sometime next week. Hooray! Praise God.

We’re going to be busy, busy,busy… just thinking about the packing and fixing and cleaning makes my tinnitus even louder. But everything seems to be a small price to pay for a beautiful home that is all our own and the quiet, peaceful surrounding that comes with it. Not to mention my commute that is about to be remarkably shortened to 15% of my usual daily commute. Hooray ulit!

Things like enrolment and uniforms and black shoes and school supplies and school service have also been on my mind and will continue to be on my mind for the next couple of weeks. I am excited for the kids. They will be going to schools that have been prayerfully picked for them by their dad and me. They will be making new friends and immersing themselves in new things that are good for them – fresh air, and big spaces for running and playing. I am determined to drastically cut down their TV time.

I am also making some plans for myself. I plan to make myself busy. To spend my time and energy in things and activities that will be good for my health (both of body and of mind). I am planning to start learning how to wake up earlier (never too late to change!) and to do some walking (and running, maybe… who knows?). I will call up my cousin about the yoga classes she’s been going to in Sta. Rosa. Though I occasionally have been doing my yoga, I am not so sure if my technique has been right. My muscles are tooo tight still and having an instructor will probably help me push myself a little and make myself a little limber.

I am preparing myself for a lot of fixing and working around the house in the next few months. I am also looking forward to starting a little bit of gardening with a lot of help from Mommy and Tio M.

Plus there’s my needle work that has been shelved for months. Will start working on them again as soon as I can. The designs I’ve picked (beautiful windows, meant to be displayed in groupings) will be perfect for our new pasilio outside of our bedrooms.

Life is great. Things are looking up. God has been generous and with all my heart I thank You, Lord.

God is Great (As Usual)

God is great. Anxiously, I clutched my things and began to tread on unfamiliar territory. I breathed a silent prayer in my heart that everything will turn out okay. He answered my prayer by sending over a familiar, friendly face. A minute’s worth of smiles and encouragement was more than enough to comfort me and boost my confidence. All is well. All will be well.

Dear Lord,

Today I’ve met with some of my colleagues. Some were much older and ”senior”. A handful were quite younger but have started their practice way before I started mine.

As I spoke with hubby about how my day went, he noticed that I was making comments about how ‘big-time’ so-and-so already is. That is, ‘big’ enough such that their hotel accommodations for the convention have been graciously sponsored by pharmaceutical companies. When I made those comments, it didn’t occur to me that I was comparing myself to others. To hubby, it appeared as if I was whining about how slow my career was going and he remarked that maybe I should reconsider my decision re choosing not to practice in any of the big hospitals in the metropolis.

It was also today, as I came home after a long day, that the yaya welcomed me by saying that this hospital called and was reminding me about my contract re their acceptance of my application as visiting physician.

Lord, can You please help me out? I am a bit confused. When I made the decision to concentrate on the hospitals that were relatively near our soon-to-be home, I felt confident that it was the right decision. I justified it by telling myself that in limiting my practice like so, I was making the decision to make my family, especially my little kids, my number one priority.

You, oh Lord, know the inner workings of my heart best. Did I really make these decisions because I really held my family important above all else? Or was it a decision borne out of my laziness and my fear of failure? Was it only because I am too scared to step out of the boundaries of my comfort zone? Did I choose this path not because I thought it was best but because I thought it was the easiest?

I search my heart yet cannot find the answers. Only you, my Creator, know best.

You know that I long to have some degree of success in my professional life. That I desire to be of help and comfort to as many patients as possible is already a given. But I also long for a career that would afford me and my family some of the comforts I dream of. I look at some of my colleagues with a little bit of envy as they tell stories of which hotel they were billeted in, or of how the other one did not need to fall in (a really long) line just to get a free copy of the MIMS because the med rep delivers it right to the doorstep of her clinic. Two words. Big. Time.

Yet I also long for a life that will enable me to attend PTA meetings, to help kids with their homework, to exercise and run around our village or do yoga, to spend time in my little joys like working on crossword puzzles or doing cross-stitching, or a future activity that I hope to learn and enjoy – tend to our little garden.

Is it possible? Or do I need to give up this very idea of fence-sitting and make a firm decision re which path to take?

Help me, Lord. Please enlighten me. Hold me by the hand and lead the way. Right now I pray for patience and let You do Your work and unfold the life that You’ve always meant me to live and enjoy. Let me live a full life, oh Lord. Bless me and my family always. Bless me and my work. In Jesus’ name. Amen.