Using One's Gifts

We are His work. He has made us to belong to Christ Jesus so we can work for Him. He planned that we should do this- Ephesians 2:10 (NLB)

In Romans 12, Paul explains that as followers of Christ we are given unique abilities or, as he calls them, spiritual gifts.Don’t sit around waiting to discover your gift. Get busy!

You will know you are using your gifts –

- when you feel joy in your service,
- when others affirm your work,
- when your efforts bear fruit, and
- when you have the energy for the task.

Source: Our Daily Journal, Vol. 15. Reflection by Joe Stowell

Missing Two Front Teeth

Today I realized that there really is no use worrying. None at all!

The girl was scheduled for her first dental extraction.

The dentist had to pull out her two front teeth. I was worried sick that she might cry or feel awful about having lost her teeth. I prepared her for the inevitable, “The dentist needs to take out the big germ and the sick tooth”.

When we got home and she woke up from her sleep, the Little One and I waited anxiously as the girl took the mirror from my hand and saw herself for the first time. I braced myself as she looked… and then she laughed out loud, saying “Look, I have no teeth!” Her little sister and I laughed out loud, too, as I sighed this big sigh of relief.

Later during the day, when her Dad asked how she was feeling, she gave him this big grin and said, “I look like a lola!”. Wish I could be as big a sport as she has been today.

Kids. Sometimes they do a better job of teaching us grown-ups than vice versa.

Loving in spite of

Today is a sad disappointment and a day of rejoicing.

Let me begin with the reason for rejoicing. Hubby got the position and job he wanted. His new boss seemed kind and easy to work with. Our prayers have been answered. It always feels good to get what you want.

This morning, the kids and I woke up early for their assessment and subsequent enrolment in their swimming lessons. At least that was what I was hoping for. I feel that I had prepared them enough, having explained things to them since two days ago. I tried my best to explain things the best and simplest way I can and reassured the boy (because he was more reluctant and the girl was very eager) that if he felt that he didn’t want the lessons yet it was going to be okay.

When we entered the hotel lobby, I had very high hopes as both seemed very impressed and the boy said, “Cool!” They were equally impressed with the pool. But they didn’t want to join in the group. They refused to talk to the teachers and even ran away from them every time they tried. They insisted on wanting to go to the lap pool (which was strictly off limits and very deep) and to the other areas of the pool which were beyond limits. I gave them an hour to feel their way in and adjust themselves to the situation. I figured maybe it was because the other kids were already in the middle of their sessions. So I waited until the earlier kids have left and the two were alone with the teachers. Still they refused to talk. Later on, three smaller kids who were part of the next class came in. My kids watched as the teachers introduced themselves to the new kids and vice versa. The kids who had just arrived sat down as instructed and before I knew it, they were putting their faces into the water, blowing bubbles and practicing breathing techniques. Effortless. In the meantime, I just let the two sit on the edge to let their feet get wet and to watch how cooperative the other kids were.

Later on, the nanny overheard the head teacher saying that the secretary should tell me that the kids are not ready and “sinasayang lang ang oras namin”(they are just wasting our time). It was good that the nanny told about it when we had already gotten home. It was painful to hear.

I felt disappointed that the kids are missing this chance to learn how to swim. I felt even sadder that my kids did not know how to make themselves fit in. I knew it was wrong to feel this way because it is never right to try to make a person fit into somebody else’s box. I love them dearly and love them unconditionally. If they’re not ready, there’s always next summer. But why… why do I feel terribly sad?

When we went home to my Mom’s for a few days of vacation, she said that our kids were brats who insisted on having their way. (She said it more nicely, though). It was a wake-up call and I knew I had to do something about it. That was two weeks ago. I brushed up on my reading… I have numerous books on child-raising, discipline, etc. I prayed hard to God and called on Mama Mary for help. But the more I try to discipline them, the more difficult they become and the harder I fail. These past two weeks I found myself yelling at them on a daily basis.

I guess no amount of book-reading can teach me how to become a mother. I just have to BE one. Every single day. And it’s not easy because I’m not so good at it!

Lord, teach me how to love, love, LOVE my kids. Grant me the patience that I need so badly. Teach me how to teach them. Teach me to appreciate each one of them and cherish the gifts that they have been given. Help me to accept their limitations and to go on loving them in spite of. And this last request is equally important: please teach me, Lord, to accept myself and love myself as well. In Jesus’ name, with the intercession of Mama Mary, I pray. Amen.

Rebuke

A man of understanding learns more from being told the right thing to do than a fool learns from being beaten a hundred times - Proverbs 17:10

This proverb strikes a chord. Two, actually.

First, it reminds me to deal with my weakness as a parent. I really do feel like a failure as a parent sometimes. Today and yesterday were two of those days. It seems I spend most of my waking hours studying and yelling, reprimanding, even spanking the kids.

It can get really frustrating. Especially when I try a number of times to speak softly, to be patient, and to gently talk them into doing the right thing (or to apologize to their sibling as the case may be). Before I know it, I lose my temper and I yell and then I spank. This cycle repeats itself countless times the whole day. It wears me out. And I fear that when the kids grow up, they would not remember the lessons. All they would remember about me are images of Mommy yelling and looking so mad.

I want so much and pray our kids would grow up to be responsible, balanced, happy people. If I could raise them the way our parents did I would be very grateful. But it seems we are not doing well. When hubby comes, I see him yelling at them, too. I get mad at the kids and at hubby for yelling. Then I get mad at myself for I know I’ve been doing the same the whole day. And the kids are mad ‘cause they don’t get what they want and they’re being yelled at. Which makes us one household of mad people. I need to be taught how to teach my children. Lord, please come into our rescue!

Second chord. I need a rebuke myself as I am impatient, irritable, tactless, and I waste a lot of time.

The following are 5 statements to learn if one is teachable:
(SOURCE: Our Daily Journal, Vol. 15, January 16 daily reflection by James MacDonald)

1. People give me input.
2. I see measurable growth and character development.
3. I don’t have to answer a critic with a defense.
4. I don’t have to criticize back.
5. I’m learning new ways to grow.

I gotta say, I have a lot of work to do. God has a lot of work to do.

TY, Lord

Lord, I thank You for always hearing my prayers, for always listening to our pleas.

I was worried about the ongoing reorganization in hubby’s company. He has always been very driven, goal-oriented, and ambitious. These are very good qualities that allow him to work well and give our family this comfortable life that we so enjoy. But I was afraid of a possible setback that might discourage him. His former boss was unhappy with his new assignment; it was sort of a ‘demotion’. I was fearful of what would happen if the same thing happens to him. Especially when he told me a few weeks ago that if he is put back in sales he will go back to law school and leave the company for good (after he’s done).

Yesterday, after his ‘interview’, he was hopeful that he might be given that regional marketing position that he’s been aiming for.

Today, he called me and said that one of the bosses has been sending ‘feelers’ through some other person about whether hubby would be interested in going back to sales. The market is huge and they need a guy who can deliver. I know hubby can do it. He’s good at what he does. It may be a kind-of demotion considering he’s been handling Southeast Asia BUT it’s a great opportunity for him to show them again what he’s got. Sabi nga nung former boss n’ya, “You can’t complain if they take away your white horse and give you a donkey. You just have to continue the journey and hope that they will give you back the horse later on.” Or something like that.

Thank You, Lord for touching hubby’s heart. I know it can only come from You through the Holy Spirit. I was very happy to hear him say that a sales position isn’t so bad as it would allow him to spend less time in the office and come home earlier. It would not require frequent traveling thus less time away from home. He said he can concentrate on building our home and eventually, enjoy it.

Thank You, Lord. Everything talaga has a reason and a purpose. Salamat po. I continue to pray for him as nothing has been confirmed yet. Ganun din po para sa aking career. It is not easy being at a crossroads but this is definitely much better than being at a dead-end.

I sit here on my study table with my MP3 player on, trying to shut out the sounds of Barney and of the kids. They want to be in the same room with me when I am home. I try my very best to concentrate but I am fraught with worry. My heart is filled with concerns. Lord, talo talaga ako pag namomroblema na ako masyado. Please help me learn to handle my anxiety, to deal with the realities of life well. I offer you this list of concerns that bug me and I humbly lay them down on Your feet:

I woke up, Lord, and saw my countdown before the exam. 80 days! I am currently reading my manual, and jump from the text to the manual and back, and my heart is filled with fear as sometimes, when I go back to things that I’m supposed to have read, it feels like I am seeing them for the first time. It feels like I do not remember a thing! And this fear and anxiety hide in the background of everything that I do. I try to focus on other things when I have to; I pretend not to see it but it is always there.

I worry about my unfinished research papers. It gives me this sick feeling in my stomach when I think of my unfinished work and each deadline that has gone past. Now, I really need to finish it by the first week of May. The pressure is coming on.

I worry about hubby’s work. This reorganization in their company makes things less settled than before, less unsure. I do not worry about Your provision, Lord, for You have always, always taken good care of us. I do worry about his career path. He is very much concerned about the direction his career path is heading to. Please lead him, Lord, to where You want Him to be.

I worry about Ate and her dental abscess.

I worry about the kids, in general. They’re watching too much TV, mainly because I let them. It gives me the chance to read in peace (with my earplugs on, of course, to block out all the bickering, fighting, and never-ending questions). It is so unhealthy. And I am always on edge, my patience runs thin because of all these useless worries and anxiety.

I worry about our household help. One is due to leave by the end of the month, and the other two have expressed their desire of leaving soon after.

I worry about sister’s pregnancy and her upcoming delivery. I come across all these medical problems in pregnancy during my review and I am gripped with fear.

I worry about starting my practice – the where, the when, and the how. I look around at colleagues and am happy for where they are now. Why do I have these feelings of inadequacy, like I feel that I cannot do what they do?

I worry about my nanny’s health, our messy home, the kids’ disheveled closets that need sorting. Worry, worry, worry. It’s beginning to wear me out, Lord.

Please accept these, Lord. I do not know what to do with them. Take charge of my life. Please pray for me, Mama Mary. Lord, thank You.

For when I am worried or upset

Be full of joy always because you belong to the Lord. Again I say, be full of joy!
Let all people see how gentle you are. The Lord is coming again soon.
Do not worry. Learn to pray about everything. Give thanks to God as you ask Him for what you need.
The peace of God is much greater than the human mind can understand. This peace will keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.
- Philippians 4:4-7

Dental Woes

We brought Ate to a pediatric dentist today. Last night, her nanny showed us this huge, pink, moveable mass on the gum near her upper front tooth. I was alarmed because it looked like there’s a collection of pus underneath but I was puzzled because ate says there was no pain when I tried to touch it. She had no fever and ate a lot, too.

I was even more alarmed when the nanny, who just came back from a week-long vacation, told me she had noticed that before she left, only now it has grown bigger. I couldn’t bring myself to reprimand her for not telling us sooner. In my mind I tried to recall how many times I have brushed her teeth in the nanny’s absence and I knew the answer: zero. The other nannies did it. Sure, I cleaned her ears 3 to 4 times a week, and I prided myself in having bathed her about 3x while her nanny was away. But I never looked in her mouth. And she never complained. Sigh.

Turns out it was an abscess, indeed. And the front tooth below it was also moveable, thus the need for an extraction. My first thought was… oh no, Ate is so conscious about her appearance, I don’t want this to ruin her self-confidence. Dentist says it may take 3 to 4 more years before the permanent tooth comes out to take its place. Then, the dentist, probably seeing this look of concern on my face, started talking about the danger of spread of infection – meningitis, rheumatic heart disease – and inside, I slapped myself on the forehead and shouted, “Of course!”

Then the dentist started talking about this thing called “baby dentures” and she showed me pictures of her work. I must say I was impressed. She also said that it would cost about 6 thou (for the one, single tooth). My, my… hubby can take care of this. Silently, I thanked God for hubby’s job that allows us to make quick decisions about things like these that must be attended to ASAP.

All these happened after hubby had sat in the dental chair for his root canal. He needs to have it done on three nerves at 3,500 a pop. Whoa. Big bucks. Tonight, before I came upstairs to study I made sure I brushed and flossed my teeth well.

Ate was very brave about the whole thing. After a few seconds of hesitation, she eagerly sat on the dental chair and showed off her “circle” (that’s what she calls the round thing hanging out from her gum). Later on, I asked the dentist whether she thinks we needed to prepare Ate for the upcoming extraction. She said there was nothing to worry about as she was going to be sedated and was sure to remember nothing after the procedure. What I meant was whether she needed to know that the tooth is to come out, lest she throws a big tantrum once she discovers her missing tooth. That’s when the dentist told Ate about this need to remove the tooth and the worm on her tooth so that there won’t be anymore worms. And she bit it. That simple.

Tonight, when hubby came home from work, he said the dentist scheduled the extraction a week from now. And I thought they said it was urgent. I am a bit worried but I’m trusting they know they know what’s best.

This afternoon, the kids’ noise, demands, questions, and endless jumping on the bed wore me out. I decided to take a nap as they ate their early dinner ‘cause I wanted to eat with hubby and take some time to rest my eyes and my head.
As I lay down in bed, I kept tossing and turning because of Ate’s tooth. Worrying about it wore me out even more (naturally!). I know it’s time to tell Jesus to take over and take care of all my worries and concerns.

Saying 'No'

Today I found out that there is something truly liberating in saying ‘no’ when you actually mean it. Well, I admit, I didn’t say it straight to the person’s face. I did not even say ‘no’ directly. Also, I needed some (a lot, actually) of reassurance from hubby and mom to let me know that I did the right thing.

I have always been a wimp. It stems from the fact that my greatest fears include being criticized, disliked, and judged. That explains why, when it comes to choosing between good and good, more often than not, I go for the more likeable decisions. Not with the decision that I truly feel would be best. I really should stop being such a people-pleaser and learn to be true to myself.

Family Time, Mommy Time

The family went out today, just the five of us. For the first time ever, we dined out with no nanny in tow. Hubby and I braced ourselves and said to each other that it’s about time. We made the kids take their afternoon naps and excitedly woke them up after more than 3 hours. As if preparing for battle, I gave them their snacks of milk and choco flakes, washed them up and prepared our armamentarium – extra clothes, water, biscuits, and plenty of wipes. After giving the kids a peptalk/orientation cum warning, we sent the nannies off for some free time and off we went!

Though it was a bit tiring and more stressful than our usual trips to the mall, hubby and I agreed that it was well worth it. It brought us great pleasure to hear the kids, all buckled-up and chatting away, at the back of the car. They teased, they sang. There was no whining, which was commonplace when their yayas were there to give in to most of their needs.

They enjoyed the arcade and played various games. Sure, there were a few mishaps but generally, everything went smoother than expected. It’s like they suddenly grew up and learned how to feed themselves, strap on their own backpacks, and wipe their messy faces. We went to the bookstore and let them pick a few affordable books (courtesy of cash gift from Grandma).

Dinner was a bit of a struggle with the youngest but we all enjoyed it. One practical bonus is that because there were less of us, we were able to pick a nicer restaurant than the usual fastfood chain. As we went up the stairs and the usher directed as to our seats, the two older kids oohed and ahhed, obviously impressed by the carpet and the nice view and ambiance. I was pleased and felt a tinge of guilt, too, when I realized hubby and I have gone there a few times but this was a first for the kids. The two older ones extremely enjoyed the salad, pizza, and pasta. Especially when they were told that these were the kinds of food that their “friends” Ina and Giada loved to prepare (that’s Ina Garten and Giada de Laurentiis for you, the Food Network chefs the kids adore). Sprinkling on the parmesan on their food was a big thrill for them! For me, hearing them say, “Kuya/Ate/Little One, please pass me the cheese”, was the biggest thrill.

I enjoyed the experience so much. I savored the moment, just holding their hands and trying to keep up with their litany of ‘why’s . It gave me a chance to directly take care of their needs. It gave me a chance to be… a mommy. There is nothing more fulfilling! It brought me so much happiness that I will try my best to be more hands-on from now on.

I thank God for this day. Mabait talaga S’ya (God is good, indeed). Yesterday, I felt like a failure as a mother. Today must have been His way of reassuring me, encouraging me, telling me that, “My daughter, You’re doing okay”.

Oops, I did it again

I flew off the handle. I asked the Little One to please throw this piece of plastic to the trash can just a few meters from her and she scurried away, looked at me and gave me her typical naughty grin as she stashed it behind the TV. Before I knew it, I was walking towards her and giving her two spanks on the butt. Those were NOT gentle spanks.

Where is this rage coming from? Why do I always, always have to struggle with my temper? I believe, deep down, I am a good person. I really and truly believe it. But why do I scare myself sometimes? One of my greatest fears is that one day I would become too angry that I would really, badly hurt my kids and there would be no one around to stop me. I have mentioned this in passing to my best friend but dared not share this with anyone else for fear of being judged and ridiculed.

Last night, I passed by the other kid while he was sleeping soundly and I saw that he had two big mosquito bites on his arm. I stopped what I was doing, got my vaporub, and gingerly applied it to his arm. How can I be both caring and motherly, with such a limitless love for my kids, and then have this angry streak? A range of emotions, all wrapped up in one person?

The Little One just smiled after I spanked her and pushed her out of my room. When I got downstairs after a few minutes to get myself a glass of cold water (actually, to see if she was okay), she came to me in her sweet baby voice and said sorry twice. I ignored her. I had to. Not only because I was proud ‘cause she realized she was wrong but more importantly, because I was too ashamed of myself and of what I have done to look at her in the eye. Inside, I so badly wanted to give her a hug.

Sometimes, I think that I am not made for motherhood. I probably was originally meant to be a spinster. Now, why am I here?

As I write this, I can hear the little one’s happy voice, singing playfully with the nanny downstairs as if none of this has happened. I envy the nanny. I think I am going nuts.

I do not worry about the physical pain I have caused. I do worry about the emotional and psychological wounds that I might have inflicted on my child. Lord, forgive me. Please help me. Come to my aid! I really cannot do this on my own.

Addendum:

What strikes me the most is that, no matter what, the kids are always happy to see me. Always. And they are always sad when I leave the house. I have so much to learn from them. God bless the little ones. Lord, bless me. Mama Mary, teach me.

Goodbye, Migraine

Today I saw one of my facebook friends’ status update. It said that she had a huge migraine yesterday because of the terrible heat. People commented/recommended Excedrin Migraine tablets to her. This reminded me to check on my stocks. I had plenty! As in a few more boxes, thanks to the generosity of an aunt from the US. I knew I couldn’t possibly use them all before the expiry in November 2010.

My friend’s status update had a huge impact on me because I’ve been having migraines since I was in 1st year college. The earliest severe attack I could remember happened during a spiritual retreat. And it’s been 17 years! Terrible, terrible headaches. Socially incapacitating. I know I appeared irresponsible to one pediatrics resident when I was an intern because I had to sleep through the whole night because of one severe attack. And I just had a really bad one last Black Saturday evening and it lasted until the Monday after, can you believe that? Three days of migraine. It disappears for awhile but comes back soon after. Because of this problem, I’ve become a bad pill-popper. I worry about the side effects, especially before my period comes where there is always the risk that I might be pregnant (no matter what the precautions are). The fact that my attacks are usually premenstrual further complicates the situation. So I worry because I have migraine… then I worry because I took a pill and I haven’t had my period yet… and the worry gives me another round of migraine. Whew.

Anyway, I sent a message to my friend and offered to give her some of my Excedrin. She appreciated the offer and so I will be bringing her some soon.

Anyway, what happened after is the fascinating part. As you can see, because of that exchange in facebook, migraine was in my head today (though I was pain-free, thank you, God). Late in the evening, while surfing through the TV channels, I chanced upon the 700 Club. Let me tell you, this behavior of mine is rather unusual as it coincided with the timeslot for my favorite show, The Practice. I watch it almost every single day.

Back to the 700 club. It came to the part when the host closed his eyes in prayer for people who are watching and are in need of healing. He prayed for this person who’s having a bad asthma attack. Then he prayed for someone with heart failure/congestion. Then he prayed for someone with sinusitis. At this point, I was thinking to myself, “Yeah, right. The chances that someone with sinusitis is watching your show is not really that slim”. I wasn’t impressed, I must admit. As I write this, I am surprised that I had stayed tuned. After the prayer for the person with sinusitis, he said that there is a person out there who has been suffering from migraines 3 to 4 times a week. And he prayed for that person. Before I knew it, I was raising my hands in prayer, thanking God for this gift of healing. I felt in awe, and surprised, and grateful, all at same time.

I thanked God. How silly of me to suffer from this condition and not pray about it, as if it is an inevitable fact of life that I just have to deal with. Happiness came over me. Hubby, who can be skeptical sometimes, was happy for me, too, and said that maybe it was high time we became more spiritual. That maybe we’ve been only thinking about ourselves and need to give back to God. He said something about wanting to go on a spiritual retreat.

Everything is amazing. To think that I detest this over-used word (amazing, that is). But I can think of no other way to describe what has transpired.

Praise You, Jesus! Thank You for the gift of healing. Amen.

Lessons from God

These past months, aside from reviewing for my upcoming board exams, I get the chance to spend some time daily (almost) to read from the Bible or an inspirational book. I realize that if I listen with my heart, Jesus, the greatest teacher of all time, takes every bit of chance to teach and correct me.

One time I felt good about myself because I thought that I gave my loved ones the gift of time (see entry dated 3/30/09) http://workinprogress-kay.blogspot.com/2009_03_01_archive.html. In my mind I thought that I did something really good and so I gave myself a much-deserved pat on the back.

The following day, I had to deal with some health problems my nanny has been having. I was posed with the challenge of spending the whole day, keeping her company at the hospital. The initial reaction was that of rebellion and resistance. I am sleep-deprived. Goodbye, one whole day of review. Hello long queues and humidity and mosquito bites. Boy, Jesus surely doesn’t wait long to correct me when I become proud. He gave me a gentle push ASAP. It was both a challenge and a wake-up call. But still, He really is merciful for as soon as He realized that I have learned my lesson, He sent my friend to help us out. And so in half a day, we managed to accomplish our tasks.

Another lesson: Two days ago, I was chatting with some fellow/friends when they mentioned that after having spent time at the department chairman’s father’s wake, the realized that the chair didn’t know who they were so one other consultant (the chair’s sibling) had to introduce them as fellows from the hematology section. I just nodded while thinking to myself: surely, the chairman must know them, at least the most senior ones who’ve been at hospital for a while. After all, she knew me while I was still there. We were on a first-name basis! She smiled and greeted me warmly. One time, she even invited me to join her department after I graduate.
I was so smug.

Last night, when I went to the wake, I was bracing myself and thinking up appropriate responses in case the chair invites me again to the department. When we got there, she called me by the incorrect name. Close but incorrect. And she asked me where I was planning to start my practice. Whoa! It felt like a bucket of cold water was poured over me. It hurt a bit then but now I am forever grateful for the lessons the Master tries so very hard to teach me.

I look back fondly at these moments and look forward to countless more that lie ahead of me. Sure, it is a bit scary, especially for someone like me who hates being wrong, most especially when other people know about it. Thankfully, He loves me so much and yanks me back whenever I go the wrong way. I ask that the Master be patient with me for I can be so stubborn sometimes. I pray for the grace to heed His call at all times.

Dreaming of Daddy

This morning I woke up feeling very, very sad. I dreamt of Daddy and it was long and vivid. For a while I was confused and had to ask myself whether it was real or not.

I was in the ER (not any ER I am familiar with, I just knew it was an ER). I was wearing my long white coat. I’m not sure if I was on duty or working there. When I looked ahead I was so surprised to see Daddy and Mommy. They were sitting about two chairs apart (with other people occupying the seats in between). Though no words were spoken, as I walked towards them, I knew that – first, I haven’t seen them in a long time; second, Daddy is seriously ill because of acute leukemia; third, Mommy and Daddy are currently not in very good terms which explains why they were sitting away from each other.

As I approached Daddy, I saw that he was wearing old clothes: white shirt and old walking shorts and rubber slippers. Mukhang mahirap. Awang-awa ako and I remember thinking to myself (in the dream pa rin ha) that Mommy must have matinding sama pa rin ng loob para pabayaan sya ng ganun. And they looked like charity patients who have been waiting for a long time for the doctor to attend to them.

Daddy was thin, bald, and pale with rapid breathing. I asked him how he felt and though I can’t remember the exact words he said, it occured to me that he was worried and tired. I stood in front of him, bent towards him, touched his shoulders and reassured him that everything will be okay, and that I’ve had plenty of patients with cases like his who eventually got better. While I was doing that I remember vividly what I was thinking to myself – that I need to have his blood test done ASAP and that his dyspnea was probably secondary to hyperleukocytosis, and I was wondering whether leukapheresis would be needed. At that point, it felt more like I was his doctor rather than his daughter.

Then, as if a someone turned on a switch, I became his daughter again. With my left hand on his right shoulder, my other hand took his right hand and I squeezed it firmly as I reassured him that everything will be okay. I bent down and planted a kiss on his right cheek. I don’t remember seeing how he reacted to this.

I then rushed out of the ER into the hospital to look for G (former fellow) because I needed to get her to make admitting orders for Daddy. On the way to the hematology office I passed by some college friends who all looked surprised to see me in such a rush. I waved to them, letting them know that I had to go and will have to talk to them another time.

I found the office and remember feeling a bit irked that the fellows were just sitting around a table, having their meals, laughing and having a good time while my Dad waited in the ER. (Now I know how some of our patients must have felt sometimes). After that I went straight to the Admitting Section and got a room for Daddy. Everything happened in a place that was supposed to be the hospital but did not look like that hospital. And then I woke up. Not knowing what happened next to Dad.

I felt so sad and so sorry for what happened to Daddy. But I also felt relieved that in reality, he was taken by God before he could suffer some more. He had a peaceful and quiet and, I believe, pain-free death. We were there when he left for that much, much better place. We were all able to say goodbye. I am grateful.

And I am thankful that even if it was just a dream, I was able to hold his hand and kiss him.

Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook,

Can you believe it? We haven’t been in touch for 15 hours straight! Sadly, we really won’t be in touch for the next 4 days as we are now in my hometown where the breeze is cool, and everything is quiet and peaceful and my mother has no internet access. Yet.

I’m having withdrawal symptoms and think about you several times a day. This can’t be normal. This is so not normal.

I miss looking at you on the screen and catching up on all the nonsense hoolabaloo that my friends are putting in their status updates. Can’t help but miss all the useless comments that I put on my friends’ nonsense status updates and their silly quiz outcomes and their carefully chosen photos.

I miss snooping in other people’s lives. My friends’ lives.

Most of all I miss chatting with friends.

Hang in there, my friend. I’ll be seeing you again in a few days. In the meantime, I am bent on enjoying time with my loved ones (real people… face-to-face… can you believe that?), swimming, eating good food, taking in the beautiful scenery, and settling for life as in real life. What a bummer :p

Missing you,
Kay

Overheard

Ate: Mommy, why does Barney have no ears, ha? Why?
Me: Uhmm… (stumped)
Kuya: Because he’s a dinosaur!

Kids. They ask the simplest and toughest questions. And they give out the answers to these, too. Ba’t nga ba walang tenga ang tabachoy na dinosaur na yun?

Speaking of ‘tabachoy’, Kuya & I were going over some 3-letter words from a game that my friend gave the kids. When it came to ‘fat’ there was this drawing of a, well, a fat lady with very wide hips.
Kuya’s guess when it came to that picture: “Uhmm… hippo?”. I couldn’t help laughing.

By the way, we are guilty of making fun of Kuya’s difficulty speaking Tagalog. Yesterday, his dev ped said that it was high time we practiced his Tagalog since his English is now fluent. He would definitely need it for school (and I agree). He can comprehend but, unlike his little sisters who can easily switch from one to the other (most of the time), he has much difficulty expressing himself. I tell him – pag Tagalog ka kinausap, Tagalog ang sagot. This morning I asked him, “Asan mga kapatid mo?”. He paused, hesitated and then said, “In the other room po.” Funny that he thought adding a ‘po’ would make it Tagalog.

I got a wake up jolt though about how hard this really must be for him when his Dad asked him why he didn’t want to speak in Tagalog. He said, “Because I’m scared”. I felt sorry for him and remembered times when I was a little girl and got too scared of speaking in English for fear of making a mistake (and being laughed at). He hears us laughing at his mistakes. I know now that what we find amusing is actually embarrassing on his part. Poor thing! Hubby thinks we should continue to speak to him in English. I think we should start talking to him more in Tagalog but not force him nor pressure him into answering in Tagalog. Doing so might cause him to clam up, talk less, and we’ll end up where we started. Hay.

Dear Kalat

Mukhang hindi na yata talaga ako makakawala sa’yo. Kahit magligpit ako nang magligpit, maya-maya lang andyan ka na naman. It doesn’t help na marami kang kakampi rito, namely, ang aking tatlong anak at ang aking butihing asawa. Hindi kasi makukumpleto ang araw nila kung hindi sila gagawa ng kagaya mo. Mas marami mas mabuti.

Bakit ba naman kasi hindi pa ako masanay sa’yo? Sabi ng ilang taong nagmamagandang-loob sa akin, kailangan ay tanggapin ko na na kaparte ka ng aking buhay lalo pa’t meron akong 3 maliliit na anak (at isang mabait at masipag ngunit makalat na asawa). Pero mahirap kasi baguhin ang ilang ugali nang kinalakhan kagaya ng pagiging ok-ok ko sa pagbalik ng mga gamit sa kani-kanilang lalagyan. Pero hindi lahat ay ganoon, at ito ang dapat kong matutunan tanggapin. Meron talagang mga tao na pagkakagamit ng isang bagay ay masaya na sa pagpatong nito kung saan pinakamalapit at pinaka-convenient. Halimbawa, pagkakain ng flat tops, ipatong na lang ang balat sa ibabawa ng dresser o sa kama o sa mesa… keber kung ang basurahan ay wala pang isang dipa ang layo sa kanya. Kaya tuloy parang normal na normal na para sa akin ang magligpit ng mga pinag-gupitan ng kuko. Hindi nailclutter ha, I mean, cutter. Mga kuko. Na hindi sa akin nanggaling. As in.

Marahil kailangan ay matutunan kong tanggapin ka na lang. O mas maganda siguro kung matutunan ko na lang na pulutin at iligpit ka na lang nang walang imik at buong pasensya. Hindi naman ako nagluluto o naglilinis ng bahay. Tutal dito lang naman ako magaling – sa pagliligpit sayo.

See you again (really soon).

Irritatingly yours,
Kay

Glass Half-Full/Belly Laugh

I am feeling grouchy right now because I am tired and sleep-deprived. We spent the morning queuing up at the hospital for the nanny’s menorrhagia. With a friend’s help, we were able to accomplish everything in half the time. It’s AUB r/o PCOD. I feel relieved and will wait for her ultrasound scheduled on April 21.

Time to concentrate on the positive…

The afternoon we spent in UE for Kuya’s reevaluation with his developmental pedia. Turns out this is his last! Yehey! He has finally graduated from his speech therapy. Hubby and I are very happy. It’s not just the money that’s saved. Personally, I could not believe how we have finally come to this place. It seems like only yesterday when I sat in the doctor’s office, crying in disbelief after being told that my son has autism. It felt like my hopes and dreams for him all crashed down on me. What's worse: I had to take the bad news all by myself because hubby was out of the country on a business trip. Fast forward to today. After two years of innumerable therapy sessions, doctor visits and, not to mention, hundreds of thousands of pesos’ worth of fees and taxi cab fare… we finally made it. Our little Kuya is no different from his classmates, one of the “normal” kids in school. He talks a lot, is very inquisitive and curious, and has learned to answer ‘why’ questions and relay events. Praised be God for making all of this possible!

Overheard: As the Little One reached out for her newly-opened Yakult, she said to her nanny – “Yatult o. ‘To mo?” (Yakult, o. Gusto mo?). And when she saw that it was frozen, she said, “Hindi soup o”, which probably meant that it wasn’t liquid.

Ate has changed a lot. We now see less of her tantrums and often catch her sitting quietly, reading a book or playing with her dolls or her small kitchen. She proudly told me that she was cleaning her kitchen as she wiped it with her, uh, wipes. When I asked if she wanted to clean our kitchen, she asked, “the big kitchen?” while raising her arms out wide. I said yes. She said, “Um, no.” Haha.

Hubby is busy, busy, busy this week. Badminton late nights 4 days a week, up to past midnight mostly. Meetings – PTA, conference calls, etc. Boss’ surprise birthday party. When he comes home I am either too sleepy to talk or so engrossed in my book (or facebook). At least we had a little bonding time while he watched Judy Ann’s ‘Esperanza’ on Cinema One last night, with who else but Wowie de Guzman and Spencer what’s-his-name on the side. Saya. (Cringe).

Have to go.

Addendum (8 hours later):

It feels great to have a belly laugh! One that brings tears to my eyes. I do not get these things often, maybe once in 4 to 6 weeks? (uh-oh, not good). Anyway, the kids and I chanced upon this show ‘Wipeout’ which is pretty much like Takeshi Castle but funnier because of the very witty narration minus the guilt of having to laugh at fellow Asians (read: Japanese).

Now I feel relaxed and have managed to totally forget about my exam for an hour. Simply put – I feel happier! ‘Yo, awesome, dude!’ as the Little One would say it (I overheard her saying this to herself as she was going up the stairs. Kids watched Finding Nemo today).

Dear Coffee

Dear Coffee,

Ikaw talaga… totoo pala na nakaka-addict ka. Nagsimula ako sa painom-inom lang ng 1 malabnaw na tasa paminsan-minsan. Tinatawanan pa nga ng asawa ko ang timpla ko kasi napaka-labnaw daw. Batang-Milo kasi ako. Bukod doon, nakakaranas ako ng hypoglycemia pag nagkape ako sa umaga tapos lumabas ako ng bahay. Minsan sa gitna ng pagra-rounds sa ospital bigla na lang ako mahihilo at pagpapawisan ng malamig.

Binigyan ako ng bestfriend ko ng medyo mamahalin na klase kagaya mo. Inisip ko, nagre-review naman ako… I deserve you. Unti-unting dumami ang nilalagay ko sa mug ko. Hanggang sa, hindi ko na namalayan, umiinom na pala ako ng dalawa hanggang tatlong mug ng matapangtapang na kape maghapon!

Hay. Pasensya ka na. Napakasarap mong talaga kahit na medyo kinakabog ang dibdib ko pag minsan (kagaya ngayon habang nagta-type ako… parang may nerbyos, tipo bang parang may inaabangan akong mangyayaring masama). Tsk, tsk. Masama na ito.

Mabigat man sa loob ko, kailangan nating bawas-bawasan ang ating pagkikita, my friend. Tama na siguro ang minsan sa isang araw, either sa umaga or sa gabi pag talagang antok na antok na ako. Tutal sabi sa mga magazines, di ka raw mabuti sa katawan – nakaka-dehydrate, nakakatanda ng kutis (oh no!), nakakadilaw ng ngipin (lalo? oh no talaga!), nakaka-ulcer, at pansamantala lang ang epekto mong pampa-alerto at nasusundan naman ng pagbaba ng level ng energy sa katawan. Kung bakit naman kasi napakasarap mong talaga.

Cool-off muna tayo ha. Hanggang sa muli.

Addictedly yours,
Kay