For the past two weeks or so, I have been suffering from bad headaches every day. I have been popping all sorts of pills and I worry about the ill effects these may have on my liver or kidney, most especially on my tinnitus. This worrying about the pills (among other things) could very well be the same fuel that feeds this vicious cycle.
Now I take the time to sit and pause to thank God for things – big and small – that comfort me, in spite of:
• the smell of fresh-cut grass
• the low-pitched, distant hum of the village keepers’ motorized grass cutter
• the sight of our plants, all healthy and well; they seemed to have adapted nicely to our little garden. One of the gladiolas have even managed to bloom into beautiful peach-colored flowers. After only a few days, the grass is in need of mending and the topiaries are begging to be trimmed. I hope to find the time later today after my clinic. Or maybe tomorrow. (Thursdays are my much-loved free day/errand day/drive-the-kids-to-after-school-activities-day)
• hubby who patiently takes over helping the kids out with the homework especially when I am tired or feeling more impatient than usual
• the little girl’s warm, tight bear hug… like she has totally forgiven me for having yelled at her last weekend
• my elder daughter’s pretty, sheepish smile
• ashtanga yoga – it gave me much happiness and comfort for the past two weeks (not to mention a terrible sore after the first session!); It required the discipline to drive myself to the yoga class after a long day at work but I never anticipated such huge pay-offs: it made me feel incredibly relaxed and fulfilled. It’s like my body and mind were thanking me for the much-needed break. Sadly, this has to be put off for now as I await my doctor’s clearance and advice
• my mom – the short sermons and bit of nagging are actually a solid source of comfort and reassurance for me.
• my cousin M who urged me to try yoga. Her short text messages were always a source of comfort for me, I can’t really say how or why
I have quite a few concerns on my mind but for now I choose to focus on these small comforts. I send a tiny thank you to God in heaven and trust that everything will go well as He has planned.
Showing posts with label balance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label balance. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Three Things to Remembr in Life
1. Make God No. 1
2. Time is sacred
3. Live a balanced life
Addendum: Remember – all the saints were busy people! (Let us ask for the grace to always make God number 1 in spite of our busy lives)
- From Homily, Don Bosco 8:30 am Mass (must remember to get the priest’s name)
2. Time is sacred
3. Live a balanced life
Addendum: Remember – all the saints were busy people! (Let us ask for the grace to always make God number 1 in spite of our busy lives)
- From Homily, Don Bosco 8:30 am Mass (must remember to get the priest’s name)
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Lots To Be Thankful About
Had 2 patients today at U__ (1 was HMO) and zero patient at S____. Frankly, I do not feel bad. I felt kinda relieved actually. In the next few days/one and a half week, we’ll be preoccupied. There’s my repeat pure tone audiometry test and ENT consult (4th opinion!) that’s long overdue. Plus our moving in to our new home is happening sometime next week. Hooray! Praise God.
We’re going to be busy, busy,busy… just thinking about the packing and fixing and cleaning makes my tinnitus even louder. But everything seems to be a small price to pay for a beautiful home that is all our own and the quiet, peaceful surrounding that comes with it. Not to mention my commute that is about to be remarkably shortened to 15% of my usual daily commute. Hooray ulit!
Things like enrolment and uniforms and black shoes and school supplies and school service have also been on my mind and will continue to be on my mind for the next couple of weeks. I am excited for the kids. They will be going to schools that have been prayerfully picked for them by their dad and me. They will be making new friends and immersing themselves in new things that are good for them – fresh air, and big spaces for running and playing. I am determined to drastically cut down their TV time.
I am also making some plans for myself. I plan to make myself busy. To spend my time and energy in things and activities that will be good for my health (both of body and of mind). I am planning to start learning how to wake up earlier (never too late to change!) and to do some walking (and running, maybe… who knows?). I will call up my cousin about the yoga classes she’s been going to in Sta. Rosa. Though I occasionally have been doing my yoga, I am not so sure if my technique has been right. My muscles are tooo tight still and having an instructor will probably help me push myself a little and make myself a little limber.
I am preparing myself for a lot of fixing and working around the house in the next few months. I am also looking forward to starting a little bit of gardening with a lot of help from Mommy and Tio M.
Plus there’s my needle work that has been shelved for months. Will start working on them again as soon as I can. The designs I’ve picked (beautiful windows, meant to be displayed in groupings) will be perfect for our new pasilio outside of our bedrooms.
Life is great. Things are looking up. God has been generous and with all my heart I thank You, Lord.
We’re going to be busy, busy,busy… just thinking about the packing and fixing and cleaning makes my tinnitus even louder. But everything seems to be a small price to pay for a beautiful home that is all our own and the quiet, peaceful surrounding that comes with it. Not to mention my commute that is about to be remarkably shortened to 15% of my usual daily commute. Hooray ulit!
Things like enrolment and uniforms and black shoes and school supplies and school service have also been on my mind and will continue to be on my mind for the next couple of weeks. I am excited for the kids. They will be going to schools that have been prayerfully picked for them by their dad and me. They will be making new friends and immersing themselves in new things that are good for them – fresh air, and big spaces for running and playing. I am determined to drastically cut down their TV time.
I am also making some plans for myself. I plan to make myself busy. To spend my time and energy in things and activities that will be good for my health (both of body and of mind). I am planning to start learning how to wake up earlier (never too late to change!) and to do some walking (and running, maybe… who knows?). I will call up my cousin about the yoga classes she’s been going to in Sta. Rosa. Though I occasionally have been doing my yoga, I am not so sure if my technique has been right. My muscles are tooo tight still and having an instructor will probably help me push myself a little and make myself a little limber.
I am preparing myself for a lot of fixing and working around the house in the next few months. I am also looking forward to starting a little bit of gardening with a lot of help from Mommy and Tio M.
Plus there’s my needle work that has been shelved for months. Will start working on them again as soon as I can. The designs I’ve picked (beautiful windows, meant to be displayed in groupings) will be perfect for our new pasilio outside of our bedrooms.
Life is great. Things are looking up. God has been generous and with all my heart I thank You, Lord.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Dear Lord,
Today I’ve met with some of my colleagues. Some were much older and ”senior”. A handful were quite younger but have started their practice way before I started mine.
As I spoke with hubby about how my day went, he noticed that I was making comments about how ‘big-time’ so-and-so already is. That is, ‘big’ enough such that their hotel accommodations for the convention have been graciously sponsored by pharmaceutical companies. When I made those comments, it didn’t occur to me that I was comparing myself to others. To hubby, it appeared as if I was whining about how slow my career was going and he remarked that maybe I should reconsider my decision re choosing not to practice in any of the big hospitals in the metropolis.
It was also today, as I came home after a long day, that the yaya welcomed me by saying that this hospital called and was reminding me about my contract re their acceptance of my application as visiting physician.
Lord, can You please help me out? I am a bit confused. When I made the decision to concentrate on the hospitals that were relatively near our soon-to-be home, I felt confident that it was the right decision. I justified it by telling myself that in limiting my practice like so, I was making the decision to make my family, especially my little kids, my number one priority.
You, oh Lord, know the inner workings of my heart best. Did I really make these decisions because I really held my family important above all else? Or was it a decision borne out of my laziness and my fear of failure? Was it only because I am too scared to step out of the boundaries of my comfort zone? Did I choose this path not because I thought it was best but because I thought it was the easiest?
I search my heart yet cannot find the answers. Only you, my Creator, know best.
You know that I long to have some degree of success in my professional life. That I desire to be of help and comfort to as many patients as possible is already a given. But I also long for a career that would afford me and my family some of the comforts I dream of. I look at some of my colleagues with a little bit of envy as they tell stories of which hotel they were billeted in, or of how the other one did not need to fall in (a really long) line just to get a free copy of the MIMS because the med rep delivers it right to the doorstep of her clinic. Two words. Big. Time.
Yet I also long for a life that will enable me to attend PTA meetings, to help kids with their homework, to exercise and run around our village or do yoga, to spend time in my little joys like working on crossword puzzles or doing cross-stitching, or a future activity that I hope to learn and enjoy – tend to our little garden.
Is it possible? Or do I need to give up this very idea of fence-sitting and make a firm decision re which path to take?
Help me, Lord. Please enlighten me. Hold me by the hand and lead the way. Right now I pray for patience and let You do Your work and unfold the life that You’ve always meant me to live and enjoy. Let me live a full life, oh Lord. Bless me and my family always. Bless me and my work. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
As I spoke with hubby about how my day went, he noticed that I was making comments about how ‘big-time’ so-and-so already is. That is, ‘big’ enough such that their hotel accommodations for the convention have been graciously sponsored by pharmaceutical companies. When I made those comments, it didn’t occur to me that I was comparing myself to others. To hubby, it appeared as if I was whining about how slow my career was going and he remarked that maybe I should reconsider my decision re choosing not to practice in any of the big hospitals in the metropolis.
It was also today, as I came home after a long day, that the yaya welcomed me by saying that this hospital called and was reminding me about my contract re their acceptance of my application as visiting physician.
Lord, can You please help me out? I am a bit confused. When I made the decision to concentrate on the hospitals that were relatively near our soon-to-be home, I felt confident that it was the right decision. I justified it by telling myself that in limiting my practice like so, I was making the decision to make my family, especially my little kids, my number one priority.
You, oh Lord, know the inner workings of my heart best. Did I really make these decisions because I really held my family important above all else? Or was it a decision borne out of my laziness and my fear of failure? Was it only because I am too scared to step out of the boundaries of my comfort zone? Did I choose this path not because I thought it was best but because I thought it was the easiest?
I search my heart yet cannot find the answers. Only you, my Creator, know best.
You know that I long to have some degree of success in my professional life. That I desire to be of help and comfort to as many patients as possible is already a given. But I also long for a career that would afford me and my family some of the comforts I dream of. I look at some of my colleagues with a little bit of envy as they tell stories of which hotel they were billeted in, or of how the other one did not need to fall in (a really long) line just to get a free copy of the MIMS because the med rep delivers it right to the doorstep of her clinic. Two words. Big. Time.
Yet I also long for a life that will enable me to attend PTA meetings, to help kids with their homework, to exercise and run around our village or do yoga, to spend time in my little joys like working on crossword puzzles or doing cross-stitching, or a future activity that I hope to learn and enjoy – tend to our little garden.
Is it possible? Or do I need to give up this very idea of fence-sitting and make a firm decision re which path to take?
Help me, Lord. Please enlighten me. Hold me by the hand and lead the way. Right now I pray for patience and let You do Your work and unfold the life that You’ve always meant me to live and enjoy. Let me live a full life, oh Lord. Bless me and my family always. Bless me and my work. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Pruning
We survived the day! ☺
Today… the past several days, actually… I underwent some much-needed pruning. (Yesterday, both of our yayas left for the province). These were days filled with many discoveries about myself, my family and kids, and my God.
No yayas. No cable TV (I just feel awful that I missed today’s very historic event - Tita Cory’s funeral… why did the cable service have to break down today of all days?). But we made it. I am not going to pretend that I breezed through it. But it is not as bad as I expected, as most things turn out.
I realized I kinda enjoy taking care of the kids’ needs. Cooking, feeding them, bathing them, getting their snacks ready, giving them their medications (isang damukal pa sa ngayon… eto medyo tough one kay bunxo). I always wondered what it must be like living abroad with no nanny. Parang imposible. Pero ngayon, I realize, kaya pala! One just needs some considerable amount of organization, planning, strategy, and maraming-maraming patience. I admit, I have been doing this only for the past 2 days so I cannot speak for the millions of women (or men) who do this on a daily basis. As in. Pero hindi imposible. If one were to do this day in, day out, there really has to be some provision, a set schedule, for some rest and alone-time. Kundi masisiraan ka ng bait.
It really helped that Tita A came at mid-morning. Though I did most of the chores during the day, she was there to attend to some of the kids’ tiny (and often, unreasonable) whims. That allowed me to stay sane and happy. Plus, her presence allowed me and hubby to take an afternoon nap; he came from the office for a meeting that lasted the whole morning and grabbed half an hour of sleep before another meeting (over the net, here at home). I also got a much-needed nap of a couple of hours. It allowed me to have the energy to run after the Little One during supper and for meds, and to wash the kids up… plus a million other things. Si Tita A din nag-mop ng floors bago s’ya maligo at mag-rest. Di siguro makatiis kasi nanlalagkit na sahig.
It still amazes me. While the 2 kids, hubby and Tita A went to Quirino Avenue to take a look at Cory’s funeral procession, I stayed behind with the Little One (who was taking a long nap). I thought I’d use some quiet time to study, read a few pages. But I got up and swept the floors. Grabe ipinawis ko. It felt really good. Sarap pawisan, lalo naramdam kong nagsisimula na ang pagtaba ko at bloatedness dahil sa steroids. When they came back, Ate said, "Mommy, I saw Daddy's friend, Tita Cory. She's dead". Kuya was not in a very good mood. I told him they were going to McDonald's to get fries - the only tactic I could think off to quickly pull him off the Little Einsteins DVD. I didn't want the kids to miss out on this piece of historic event. Hmmm, not a good tactic - lying to the kids (note to self).
After everybody had an afternoon snack of bread and pancit canton, Tita A and I fixed the kids’ beds, changed sheets. She swept the floor and I threw out their disgustingly dirty towels (ay, caramba! Ang mga yaya!) and replaced them with fresh ones. Supper was quite a challenge as usual. Hubby took care of feeding Kuya (who was a bit difficult today), Tita A fed Ate (she’s been very behaved… the best sa pag-inom ng gamot), and I of the Little One. Feeding the Little One involves a lot of cajoling, and chasing under the table… napapagtarayan ko na nga. But this is the first time ever that I felt, somehow… in control of the situation. I mean yung sa mga bata. Pag andito ang mga yaya, pag nagliligalig na sila, kailangan ko na ibigay sa kanila kasi either I am too tired or too lazy to deal with them or I really don’t know how else to handle them. Pero ngayon, I am beginning to take hold of the reins.
Si Little One, I’ve discovered, una-unahan lang pala. Kailangan at the first sight, first few minutes of a tantrum, medyo tataasan na ng boses and you have to remind her who the boss is around here. Once past that ‘critical’ phase, hay naku, there’s no more turning back. Her tantrum snowballs into one, big… basta. Matatabunan ka na lang. Medyo kamay na bakal dapat ang dating.
Kuya needs to be treated differently. Pag pinagalitan s’ya, basta any sign na displeased ka sa kanya, bad trip na s’ya at lalong nagmi-misbehave. Away kami ng away today ‘cause I refused to let him get away with things like deliberately pouring water on the table or playing with his cup during the meal. Iba s’ya. Dapat reverse psychology, inaamo-amo ng konti.
Si Ate, kailangan lang ng positive reinforcement. A lot of it. She behaves really well but needs to be trusted and to be praised. Yun lang pag meron s’yang demand, you have to learn how to negotiate. Buti nga mas nakakausap na s’ya ngayon. She is a very strong person, makusa, go-getter. Nakakatuwa. Kailangan lang tutukan pa.
Oh my, ako ba ito? Just a month ago, I saw on TV si Maricel Laxa-Pangilinan saying how her kids are very different. Kaya iba-iba daw ang approach. Pag nakakarinig ako ng ganun, I tend to be cynical… may konting resistance, as in… hay naku, eto na naman ang mga super moms na ito. Naiinis ako siguro kasi it reminds me of my weaknesses and shortcomings when it comes to motherhood… of how much more there is I need to learn. Ngayon, maski papaano at gaano kaliit, may nasasabi na din ako.☺
Saw the two kids’ schoolbags which have been left lying around for several days. It shocked me to find how terribly dirty those bags were. Naawa ako bigla sa mga bata. At napahiya ako sa sarili ko. Bigla ko naisip na nung bata ako napaka-suwerte ko at asikasong-asikaso ako ni Mommy. Naisip ko rin, ano kaya ang iniisip ng mga teachers nila, nakakahiya. Yung bag ni Kuya ang kalat-kalat ng loob at meron pang naiwan na pagkain. Ilang ulit na bilin ko na sa yaya to make sure walang food left in the bag every day. Wala pa rin. Yung kay Ate, susme, nanlalagkit na ang loob, pati raincoat nya kasi meron naiwan na natunaw na candy at meron pang cupcake na may kagat na ng daga. Grabe talaga. Pinaglalabhan ko nga.
As I scrubbed the bags, I felt a bit angry at the yayas for not taking care of these things. Naiinis ako at sabi ko kay Tita A, kalian kaya ako makakahanap ng mga yaya na efficient na hindi na kailangang pauli-ulit turuan. Pero I realized din naman na hindi ko talaga magagawa ang mga iba pang bagay na kailangang gawin (specifically, pagdo-doktor) na walanag tulong nila. At di ko naman matatawaran ang kanilang pagmamahal at concern sa mga bata. Trustworthy sila, di kagaya nung isang umalis nung May.., hay naku.
Biglang sabi ni Tita A na ang sinasabi daw lagi ni Daddy dati pag meron nagrereklamo tungkol sa maid, “Kaya nga katulong e, tutulong lang sila sa’yo. Magiging katulong ba naman ‘yan kung mas madami pang alam?” It struck me. (Two years after his death, meron pa rin ako natututunan kay Daddy). So as I rinsed the bags, I made a resolve to be more hands-on even with the little things. Kahit na nasabihan na ng ilang ulit ang mga yaya, kailngan nache-check. Nire-remind. Kino-correct. Ang mali ko ay yung I become too lazy to correct them kasi sa isip ko parati, baka umalis pa ay lalo akong mahirapan.
Medyo nakaka-miss lang si hubby kasi parating busy sa kusina ang isa sa amin or plakda/tulog habang may ginagawa ang isa. Di ko man lang nalalambing. Buti na lang mabait ang asawa ko at matulungin dito sa bahay. Salamat sa Diyos.
Hay. Kung puede lang na mag stay-at-home na lang ako. Okay lang sa akin. Pero di naman puede. Kanina, I was surprised to find hubby reading my book “Simplify Your Work Life”. He liked the idea of a 32-hour work week and I can sense him wishing his job were a bit more like that (his current, new role is quite demanding). Sabi ko sa kanya, ilang taon na sa akin ang libro na yan, gusting-gusto ko pero sayang kasi di ko naman ma-apply sa akin (after having spent years as a trainee working incredibly long hours). He said, sa'yo nga yan bagay kasi doktor ka. Kaya mong hawakan ang oras mo. I realized, oo nga. I have a choice! I can manage my time wisely. It doesn’t mean magpapaka-slacker ako sa pagdo-doktor pero at least yung maging reasonable ang clinic hours ko. Actually, I intend not to hold clinic on Saturdays, para sa pamilya naman. Masayang-masaya ako to hear it straight from hubby. I hope God would teach me/show me how to do it. After all, this is life. My family is my life. Sabi nga dun sa isang nabasa ko, “Life is not a dress rehearsal”. We cannot always be preparing for something that is to come. This is life!
Back to my health concerns… malakas pa din ang tinnitus ko. Extra loud sya today. Mabuti na lang at busy kaya tuloy hindi ko na lang napapansin minsan. Mawawala pa kaya ito? I just put my trust in God with regards to my exam and my health. Hinihiling ko pa rin na ipasa N’ya ako at alisin ang ingay sa tenga ko. Pero ayoko na masyadong ma-stress kasi hindi naman makakatulong at lalo lang akong nagiging miserable.
Ayoko lang ngayon etong lagi akong parang meron after taste in my mouth. Siguro epekto ng flu. At dahil din siguro sa dami ng gamot na iniinom ko. Parang mapait parati. Meron na din ako sipon (yellow, how apt). Which makes my ears feel even weirder kasi may tinnitus na sa kaliwa, meron pang aural fullness (dati pa), at nadagdagan pa ng iba pang klaseng fullness dahil sa sipon.
And I really, really miss coffee at maaalat na tsitsirya. Sorry, Lord ha, makulit ako. Unti-unting inaalis ni Lord yung mga gawain kong hindi healthy kasi alam N’ya na makakasama sa akin in the future. Hindi madali… para akong halaman na pinu-prune pakonti-konti. Inaalis ang mga patay na dahon o mga sangang wala sa tamang posisyon. Hindi talaga madali. But I just have to trust my Gardener na He knows what’s best for me. Para gumanda pa ang tubo ko, tuluyang yumabong, at tumibay ang ugat.
Today… the past several days, actually… I underwent some much-needed pruning. (Yesterday, both of our yayas left for the province). These were days filled with many discoveries about myself, my family and kids, and my God.
No yayas. No cable TV (I just feel awful that I missed today’s very historic event - Tita Cory’s funeral… why did the cable service have to break down today of all days?). But we made it. I am not going to pretend that I breezed through it. But it is not as bad as I expected, as most things turn out.
I realized I kinda enjoy taking care of the kids’ needs. Cooking, feeding them, bathing them, getting their snacks ready, giving them their medications (isang damukal pa sa ngayon… eto medyo tough one kay bunxo). I always wondered what it must be like living abroad with no nanny. Parang imposible. Pero ngayon, I realize, kaya pala! One just needs some considerable amount of organization, planning, strategy, and maraming-maraming patience. I admit, I have been doing this only for the past 2 days so I cannot speak for the millions of women (or men) who do this on a daily basis. As in. Pero hindi imposible. If one were to do this day in, day out, there really has to be some provision, a set schedule, for some rest and alone-time. Kundi masisiraan ka ng bait.
It really helped that Tita A came at mid-morning. Though I did most of the chores during the day, she was there to attend to some of the kids’ tiny (and often, unreasonable) whims. That allowed me to stay sane and happy. Plus, her presence allowed me and hubby to take an afternoon nap; he came from the office for a meeting that lasted the whole morning and grabbed half an hour of sleep before another meeting (over the net, here at home). I also got a much-needed nap of a couple of hours. It allowed me to have the energy to run after the Little One during supper and for meds, and to wash the kids up… plus a million other things. Si Tita A din nag-mop ng floors bago s’ya maligo at mag-rest. Di siguro makatiis kasi nanlalagkit na sahig.
It still amazes me. While the 2 kids, hubby and Tita A went to Quirino Avenue to take a look at Cory’s funeral procession, I stayed behind with the Little One (who was taking a long nap). I thought I’d use some quiet time to study, read a few pages. But I got up and swept the floors. Grabe ipinawis ko. It felt really good. Sarap pawisan, lalo naramdam kong nagsisimula na ang pagtaba ko at bloatedness dahil sa steroids. When they came back, Ate said, "Mommy, I saw Daddy's friend, Tita Cory. She's dead". Kuya was not in a very good mood. I told him they were going to McDonald's to get fries - the only tactic I could think off to quickly pull him off the Little Einsteins DVD. I didn't want the kids to miss out on this piece of historic event. Hmmm, not a good tactic - lying to the kids (note to self).
After everybody had an afternoon snack of bread and pancit canton, Tita A and I fixed the kids’ beds, changed sheets. She swept the floor and I threw out their disgustingly dirty towels (ay, caramba! Ang mga yaya!) and replaced them with fresh ones. Supper was quite a challenge as usual. Hubby took care of feeding Kuya (who was a bit difficult today), Tita A fed Ate (she’s been very behaved… the best sa pag-inom ng gamot), and I of the Little One. Feeding the Little One involves a lot of cajoling, and chasing under the table… napapagtarayan ko na nga. But this is the first time ever that I felt, somehow… in control of the situation. I mean yung sa mga bata. Pag andito ang mga yaya, pag nagliligalig na sila, kailangan ko na ibigay sa kanila kasi either I am too tired or too lazy to deal with them or I really don’t know how else to handle them. Pero ngayon, I am beginning to take hold of the reins.
Si Little One, I’ve discovered, una-unahan lang pala. Kailangan at the first sight, first few minutes of a tantrum, medyo tataasan na ng boses and you have to remind her who the boss is around here. Once past that ‘critical’ phase, hay naku, there’s no more turning back. Her tantrum snowballs into one, big… basta. Matatabunan ka na lang. Medyo kamay na bakal dapat ang dating.
Kuya needs to be treated differently. Pag pinagalitan s’ya, basta any sign na displeased ka sa kanya, bad trip na s’ya at lalong nagmi-misbehave. Away kami ng away today ‘cause I refused to let him get away with things like deliberately pouring water on the table or playing with his cup during the meal. Iba s’ya. Dapat reverse psychology, inaamo-amo ng konti.
Si Ate, kailangan lang ng positive reinforcement. A lot of it. She behaves really well but needs to be trusted and to be praised. Yun lang pag meron s’yang demand, you have to learn how to negotiate. Buti nga mas nakakausap na s’ya ngayon. She is a very strong person, makusa, go-getter. Nakakatuwa. Kailangan lang tutukan pa.
Oh my, ako ba ito? Just a month ago, I saw on TV si Maricel Laxa-Pangilinan saying how her kids are very different. Kaya iba-iba daw ang approach. Pag nakakarinig ako ng ganun, I tend to be cynical… may konting resistance, as in… hay naku, eto na naman ang mga super moms na ito. Naiinis ako siguro kasi it reminds me of my weaknesses and shortcomings when it comes to motherhood… of how much more there is I need to learn. Ngayon, maski papaano at gaano kaliit, may nasasabi na din ako.☺
Saw the two kids’ schoolbags which have been left lying around for several days. It shocked me to find how terribly dirty those bags were. Naawa ako bigla sa mga bata. At napahiya ako sa sarili ko. Bigla ko naisip na nung bata ako napaka-suwerte ko at asikasong-asikaso ako ni Mommy. Naisip ko rin, ano kaya ang iniisip ng mga teachers nila, nakakahiya. Yung bag ni Kuya ang kalat-kalat ng loob at meron pang naiwan na pagkain. Ilang ulit na bilin ko na sa yaya to make sure walang food left in the bag every day. Wala pa rin. Yung kay Ate, susme, nanlalagkit na ang loob, pati raincoat nya kasi meron naiwan na natunaw na candy at meron pang cupcake na may kagat na ng daga. Grabe talaga. Pinaglalabhan ko nga.
As I scrubbed the bags, I felt a bit angry at the yayas for not taking care of these things. Naiinis ako at sabi ko kay Tita A, kalian kaya ako makakahanap ng mga yaya na efficient na hindi na kailangang pauli-ulit turuan. Pero I realized din naman na hindi ko talaga magagawa ang mga iba pang bagay na kailangang gawin (specifically, pagdo-doktor) na walanag tulong nila. At di ko naman matatawaran ang kanilang pagmamahal at concern sa mga bata. Trustworthy sila, di kagaya nung isang umalis nung May.., hay naku.
Biglang sabi ni Tita A na ang sinasabi daw lagi ni Daddy dati pag meron nagrereklamo tungkol sa maid, “Kaya nga katulong e, tutulong lang sila sa’yo. Magiging katulong ba naman ‘yan kung mas madami pang alam?” It struck me. (Two years after his death, meron pa rin ako natututunan kay Daddy). So as I rinsed the bags, I made a resolve to be more hands-on even with the little things. Kahit na nasabihan na ng ilang ulit ang mga yaya, kailngan nache-check. Nire-remind. Kino-correct. Ang mali ko ay yung I become too lazy to correct them kasi sa isip ko parati, baka umalis pa ay lalo akong mahirapan.
Medyo nakaka-miss lang si hubby kasi parating busy sa kusina ang isa sa amin or plakda/tulog habang may ginagawa ang isa. Di ko man lang nalalambing. Buti na lang mabait ang asawa ko at matulungin dito sa bahay. Salamat sa Diyos.
Hay. Kung puede lang na mag stay-at-home na lang ako. Okay lang sa akin. Pero di naman puede. Kanina, I was surprised to find hubby reading my book “Simplify Your Work Life”. He liked the idea of a 32-hour work week and I can sense him wishing his job were a bit more like that (his current, new role is quite demanding). Sabi ko sa kanya, ilang taon na sa akin ang libro na yan, gusting-gusto ko pero sayang kasi di ko naman ma-apply sa akin (after having spent years as a trainee working incredibly long hours). He said, sa'yo nga yan bagay kasi doktor ka. Kaya mong hawakan ang oras mo. I realized, oo nga. I have a choice! I can manage my time wisely. It doesn’t mean magpapaka-slacker ako sa pagdo-doktor pero at least yung maging reasonable ang clinic hours ko. Actually, I intend not to hold clinic on Saturdays, para sa pamilya naman. Masayang-masaya ako to hear it straight from hubby. I hope God would teach me/show me how to do it. After all, this is life. My family is my life. Sabi nga dun sa isang nabasa ko, “Life is not a dress rehearsal”. We cannot always be preparing for something that is to come. This is life!
Back to my health concerns… malakas pa din ang tinnitus ko. Extra loud sya today. Mabuti na lang at busy kaya tuloy hindi ko na lang napapansin minsan. Mawawala pa kaya ito? I just put my trust in God with regards to my exam and my health. Hinihiling ko pa rin na ipasa N’ya ako at alisin ang ingay sa tenga ko. Pero ayoko na masyadong ma-stress kasi hindi naman makakatulong at lalo lang akong nagiging miserable.
Ayoko lang ngayon etong lagi akong parang meron after taste in my mouth. Siguro epekto ng flu. At dahil din siguro sa dami ng gamot na iniinom ko. Parang mapait parati. Meron na din ako sipon (yellow, how apt). Which makes my ears feel even weirder kasi may tinnitus na sa kaliwa, meron pang aural fullness (dati pa), at nadagdagan pa ng iba pang klaseng fullness dahil sa sipon.
And I really, really miss coffee at maaalat na tsitsirya. Sorry, Lord ha, makulit ako. Unti-unting inaalis ni Lord yung mga gawain kong hindi healthy kasi alam N’ya na makakasama sa akin in the future. Hindi madali… para akong halaman na pinu-prune pakonti-konti. Inaalis ang mga patay na dahon o mga sangang wala sa tamang posisyon. Hindi talaga madali. But I just have to trust my Gardener na He knows what’s best for me. Para gumanda pa ang tubo ko, tuluyang yumabong, at tumibay ang ugat.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Work and Life
I am in the final stretch of what seems to me like a lifetime of study and training. Twelve-hour workdays, 6 to 7 days a week - this is not supposed to be normal and it is driving me nuts! The guilt of not being able to spend enough time with my family, the frustration of not being capable of giving my best 100% of the time (at home and on the job), the lack of time to read, and study, and further my training... I'm like a half-baked cake that is about to be served and scrutinized.
Add to this a boss who is so used to filling his schedule to the brim, with no time to have a decent lunch. He works like his body and mind have been designed to not need any break.
To say that I feel sad because of my seemingly helpless situation is truly an understatement. Thank God heard my prayers of frustration (as always) and made me stumble into this article on how to find that elusive balance between work and life. It made me reflect on how, aside from finding time for myself, I need to KNOW what it is that makes me happy. The write-up urged me to spend some time thinking about the question - what do you love? Turns out that the 'what' is a far tougher question than the 'who'.
So I ventured into coming up with my short list of things that I love:
1. being with my family
2. good music
3. good reading material
4. idyllic views of nature (greens and blooms, in particular)
5. cross-stitching
To my horror, I realized that this past week I spent this amount of time doing the things that I love: less than 10 hours! Ay, caramba!... I really have to find that balance before it's too late.
Add to this a boss who is so used to filling his schedule to the brim, with no time to have a decent lunch. He works like his body and mind have been designed to not need any break.
To say that I feel sad because of my seemingly helpless situation is truly an understatement. Thank God heard my prayers of frustration (as always) and made me stumble into this article on how to find that elusive balance between work and life. It made me reflect on how, aside from finding time for myself, I need to KNOW what it is that makes me happy. The write-up urged me to spend some time thinking about the question - what do you love? Turns out that the 'what' is a far tougher question than the 'who'.
So I ventured into coming up with my short list of things that I love:
1. being with my family
2. good music
3. good reading material
4. idyllic views of nature (greens and blooms, in particular)
5. cross-stitching
To my horror, I realized that this past week I spent this amount of time doing the things that I love: less than 10 hours! Ay, caramba!... I really have to find that balance before it's too late.
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