Introducing my constant companion... tinnitus!

For the last twenty-four hours, I have been battling with this constant high-pitched ringing/hissing in my left ear. It sounds like the noise a microphone makes when it gets too close to the speaker. Or like those high-pitched, non-stop sounds certain bugs make in the dark. There’s also this sensation of fullness, pretty much like having a cup over my ear. When I get up from sitting or from bed, or when I make sudden motions with my head, I feel light-headed, similar to the sensation one gets when you’ve been in the ocean for too long and you get out of the water but still sense the waves gently pushing you back and forth. No… that’s much too pleasant. It feels more like the feeling I get after I’ve drunk more than 2 bottles of beer (or its equivalent).

I know it’s not that bad compared to what other people have to deal with. I am not in pain. I can still move around and am happy to stay independent in my daily chores. I still have my appetite, and it’s expected to, ahem, be ‘enhanced’ in the next couple of days because of the steroids I’m taking. Upon my sister and husband’s advice, I am forced to take the day off of my review and try not to stress myself, as studies have shown that Meniere’s can be stress-related (what illness isn’t, anyway?).

So, it sure is not life-threatening but it has forced me to move outside of my comfort zone and to rearrange some of my plans. After having spent almost 8 hours of ‘hard labor’ at the library yesterday, I was eager to do the same amount of studying today. No can do. The doctor has also advised me to limit my salt intake. Now, that is a tough one! Despite the odds, it is a resolve I intend to keep; a resolution I made after my sister and I had KFC hot and crispy for lunch (one last hirit!).


For now I have kept myself busy, typing and whining and trying my best to forget about the exam for a few more hours. I take a deep breath. And let go and let God.

Panic

I am panic-stricken. Woke up very late today after having watched TV last night. I took one look at my countdown and, suddenly, I am gripped with fear… 20 days to go. My mind wanders to lost time, all those wasted hours.

Now, I take one deep breath. I focus. I pray to God. I ask, no… beg, for forgiveness for all the wasted time and ask for help and enlightenment. One more exam. With God’s help, and the prayers of all my loved ones, I can do it. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Bamboo

When the headlines stink (which happens… umm, everyday) and another friend leaves this archipelago (now this one happens every month or two, no kidding), Bamboo gives me hope.

Hooray!

Today feels like a milestone! It’s a little thing but for me, a milestone just the same. Today is the day I submitted my research paper, one that I have been working on, albeit off and on, for more than a year. Sweat, blood, and tears. It feels great. Never mind the pouring rain and the exorbitant taxi cab fare I had to shell out. When I got back I found myself smiling to myself as I turned the key to our front gate.

Light as a bubble, that’s how I felt. As usual, there was a tiny spoiler but… hah, I refuse to be affected. I am going to enjoy this tiny victory. And thank God for all the kind souls who have helped me along the way.

Calm Amidst Chaos

I was walking along the quiet streets parallel to Taft Avenue. It was quiet save for the big drops of rain hitting the pavement. My steps were surprisingly light as I carried my backpack with my huge, HUGE textbook inside. I tucked my purse under one arm, held my old umbrella and began to give thanks - finally, some peace and quiet, away from the maddening crowd.

Earlier, I stepped out of the library and saw the dark sky looming over me. It had just begun raining. Hard. There was no use dodging the puddles; my feet and pants were soaking wet. I hoped against hope that when I reach the taxi stand there would be one waiting for me. No such luck. The queue stretched on.

I sighed and asked myself - now, what? Should I walk to the nearest train station? Risk my life by taking the pedicab? Join the crowd, scrambling to get to their homes, doing their best to zigzag through the confusion of pedestrians and umbrellas and sidewalk vendors and their makeshift tents? Subconsciously, I crossed the street, moved away from the mob and walked the road less traveled.

I knew there was no chance of me getting a cab from there. So I stopped worrying and concentrated on… walking. One foot ahead of the other. Right, left, right, left. Suddenly, I realized that I felt no anxiety, no worry. I did not wish to be some place else. I just kept moving. I thought of St. Paul who always chose to be happy despite the circumstances.

That was when I saw him, a man sitting on a wooden kariton. It looked like his home. He had an umbrella tucked in the gaps between plastic sheets that served as his roof. He was playing cards. Solitaire. He looked like he had no care in the world. He was content.

His demeanor stood out against what I have seen just minutes before. People carrying shopping bags and looking worried. They complained about the rain and the queue. Students hurried and ran after jeepneys. A boyfriend-girlfriend was walking more than a meter from each other. They didn’t have umbrellas. I knew from the looks on their faces that they were having a fight.

After a few more blocks, a quick jeepney ride, and another short stroll, I was home. My instinct was to whine just to let others know how hard it was to get here. I stopped myself, thanked God I reached home, and went straight to the bathroom to wash my feet.

Enlightenment

I feel great, not to mention, grateful after I have made my entry for the day in my gratitude journal. Which is good ‘cause if not, what’s the point, right? It’s remarkable how very much different I am feeling right now compared to the past three days. The glaring difference is that I was able to accomplish today what has been sitting on my to-do list for the longest time.

I bought the ‘good’ coffee (as Ina Garten would say) that I have been planning to splurge on for the longest time. Got myself prepaid internet cards. Went to the library and sat there reading for 5 hours or so instead of moping around the house as I have done early this week. Gave Mommy a call just to say hi, tried to catch up on each other and let her know I thought of her. Best of all, I finally mustered the courage and energy to hand in the draft of my research paper to my consultant. I have been working my butt off, albeit on and off, on that project for more than a year - sweat, blood, and tears - but never got around to finishing off what I started. Finally, a few days ago I got the huge push that I needed: a deadline. Next week. So I thank the Lord I caught my boss in time. Now I just have to wait for her feedback (hmmm… bite nails, pull hair) with the least anxiety possible. After that, some revisions, a re-check, submission to the society and section, and voila! Paper done! Yipeee!

Anyway, this kind of enlightenment (the kind I got today about the futility of procrastination, among others) has been coming at me countless times for years. Perhaps now, I should grow up, truly learn from the experience and CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. Which reminds me of this song that has been going on in my head for the past twenty-four hours: “I’m gonna make a changefor once in my life. It’s gonna feel real good. I’m gonna make a difference, gonna make it right”. Sigh. Rest in peace, Michael Jackson. Say hi to Daddy for me. Don’t forget to give him a moonwalk, okay. I just know he’d be thrilled (pun intended)!

By the way, the Brazilian coffee I bought is great! (Sip, sip).

I love my life. I love my family. I love myself.

I better start saying this to myself every single day.

Too Much TV

I do realize now that I let the kids watch too much TV. Tonight, at the dinner table, I was asking my son how his day at school went. He refused to answer the query and said, “Later, Mommy. I will be right back”.

Another Departure

Tomorrow, another friend of mine is leaving for the U.S. She’s the third friend to leave for the same destination within the last 6o days.

Every time someone leaves, I feel like a small part of me dies. I cannot really explain it. Is it because I lose another of my few close friends? Does it make me feel sad to realize that many people feel the need to leave this country because they see no future in a government that cannot provide? Or is it simply because I feel left behind? I’m guessing it’s a little of each. There are times when settling here in this dry, patchy field feels pathetic compared to the greener grass that await on the other areas of the world.

And so I say a short prayer for my friend. I sigh a big sigh. I hope and fervently wish for nothing but the best for her. And silently, I pray that I, too, may find the greener areas left of this dry, patchy, barren field.

The little one puts on Ate’s old uniform and black shoes but refuses to be brought to school. After Ate and Kuya had left, she told the nanny, “The school bus left me. I’m gonna call the police”.

Later during the day, Kuya asks, “Mommy, what does ‘working undercover’ mean?” Whew. Another tough one.

Accomplishments (for the day)

I have written a page but stopped myself when I noticed I have been ranting, beating myself up and “crying” over spilled milk. So I hit the delete button and now proceed to listing down things I have accomplished today:

1. Spent 6 hours at the library with a 1-hour break in between
2. Had some fun at the bookstore, buying supplies for my index card hack; some handy-dandy notebooks for the kids, too.
3. Got home just in time before the rain poured and beat rush hour in the process
4. Spent some time catching up with the kids (and yayas, too) about what had transpired during the day
5. Ate was feeling sick - I gave her a sponge bath, lots of hugs, and helped her out while she threw up in the bathroom
6. Finished my index card hack (with an adorable blue carabiner… yehey!)
7. Burned 3 CDs full of songs for my sister and my newborn nephew
8. Relaxed a while watching Martha Stewart
9. Had a nice chat with hubby during dinner
10. Spent a moment stretching tight muscles - hamstrings, quads, back, etc.
11. Beat negativity… yehey!

Hey, some of these things deserve to be in my thanksgiving journal!