One Thousand Pesos = Happiness

I never thought one thousand pesos can make me this happy...

Got myself a beader book for my Tita J, a couple of yoga magazines for my cousin (yup, I admit, I will have to browse over them first before handing them over to her), a golf instruction mag for hubby, parents magazine (the article on “how to handle whining” caught my eye), an Oprah, and last but definitely the least… a crochet book (for the beginner stitcher). Yeheeey! Napapalundak ako sa tuwa, can you see me jumping for joy?

Then I found myself a (relatively) quiet nook with a comfy cushioned seat near the aircon in Jollibee. With an hour to spare while waiting for my ID pictures to get done, I was as happy as a lark.

I still get a genuine kick out of living in our tiny suburban paradise. Peeking through our windows while the gentle breeze caresses me gives me joy.

Snap, snap, snap.

It seems like all I've really been doing since yesterday was to snap. I snapped at my kids. I snapped at my husband. I snapped at our kasambahays (helpers). It's sad that I have been using my illness as a sorry, worn-out excuse.

First things first: please allow myself to rant. I have been dealing with my tinnitus for more than a year now. The ENT I am currently seeing (my fourth one) is one of the best, if not the best, ear specialist in the country. But up until now, after months of medication and tests, we're still both stumped.

My CT scan has shown evidence of a problem (likely, congenital) in my right temporal bone. But a lot of questions have emerged since. Why does my tinnitus involve my left ear as well? Why do I get these bad, disabling, right-sided headaches that typically last for days? And why, after my doctor flipped and turned me almost violently in different directions during my check-up last week, does my left ear show signs of "weakness"? And yet the tinnitus, in both ears, remains... louder than ever. So many why's. Not enough answers.

And so many restrictions! A long list of things that include a lot of the things I love (or would have loved to do): No caffeine, therefore, no coffee nor chocolates. No yoga. No running nor jogging. No lifting nor pushing of heavy objects (which sadly,translates to no carrying of my kids and no grocery-shopping on my own). No stooping over (which means no more grass cutting in the garden). And no salty food though I've been allowed to get away with this last one since sodium levels have been slightly low.

My in-born propensity to snap has been aggravated by the fact that the doctor has switched my drug to something that is supposed to keep me from having headaches BUT would predispose me to weight gain, drowsiness, and depression. I'm thinking, great! They took away all my comfort things AND gave me the perfect excuse to feel sad and sleepy. 

END OF RANT.

But there have been countless blessings along the way. My husband goes out of his way to comfort me and cheer me up. (Just half an hour ago, he cooked fishball for me and the kids). My mom has been my fiercest prayer warrior. My one and only sister is one of my staunch supporters. My aunts. My mother-in-law. All of them have been continuously praying for me. And my kids... ah, the kids. I've yelled at them many times. I've been irritable and at times, have consciously chosen to stay in a room away from them to protect my ears from their high-pitched yelling. (My ears are pretty sensitive to noise, especially to high-pitched sounds AND countless occasions have proven that anger and irritation trigger my headache; just so you wouldn't think I'm being too mean, okay?). But they hug me and love me just as I am.

The youngest has her adorable way of cheering me up by moving her face close to mine and giving me her best smile, "Mommy, are you happy or sad? Happy?". The Big Girl gives me spontaneous hugs and 'I love you's almost every day. And Kuya plants his kisses on my cheeks and shows me his amazingly detailed sketches. 

Hubby, oh hubby. He takes charge of a lot of my usual chores especially when the symptoms become pretty bad or when he sees me in one of my depressed phases (that happens mostly after I've come from the doctor). He helps the kids with homework when I don't feel like doing it and he does this very patiently. He runs to the groceries to buy rice and what not. He cooks food that I particularly love simply because "I want you to be happy, hon". 

Today, I scolded my elder daughter. She was being whiney and was sulking. She hounded me since yesterday to get her a tiny pretty box from the bookstore, something to store her ring in. Hubby and I surprised her today, but instead of being pleased, she got envious of the other surprises for her siblings and failed to appreciate the box. I yelled at her and said "Ano ka ba, kahapon ka pa hingi nang hingi sa akin ng box tapos ngayon  na ibinigay ko na, hindi ka pa rin masaya. Ano pa ba ang gusto mo?".

I had to stop, almost mid-sentence, because... I could well be talking to myself. God must have grinned His mighty silly grin. and I shut up and thanked God for all my blessings.

Gardening Came To My Rescue

Those two weeks are finally over. Two weeks of joy-lessness, hopelessness and discouragement. After a tearful episode with mom and a lot of thinking over things, I have come to accept my condition. And acceptance, as circumstances later revealed, is the key to lightening one’s burdens. It was also a huge help that my loved ones (most especially hubby) and their closest friends were praying for me and giving support.

Which is not to say that I am actually better now. The tinnitus is still here and can be pretty loud and annoying still. Just this morning, I seem to have been awakened by its unusually high volume. But the headaches, oh… I used to have really bad headaches that go on for hours even days. I sleep on it and wake up still having it. Once, while driving home from L (3-hour drive), I just had to stop because the white flower and paracetamol were not working anymore. I had to stop the car and tried to relax, calm my nerves and collect my thoughts. It felt like had I failed to hang on the tiniest bit of self-control that was left, I would doze off on the wheel and end up, I don’t know, waking up elsewhere. I prayed hard, too and what kept me motivated was that Big Boy had to be brought to his Taekwondo classes. The headaches have markedly improved with my medication. Now I do end up with tingling sensations on my arms and legs, side effects of the drug.

Nowadays, few things give me joy and respite. Most of the calm comes from our garden. Every morning, the sight of the Gladiolas and their brightly-colored blooms tell me that life is beautiful. When I need to take my mind off my petty worries about the kids, or my SCDS, or my patients, I grab my shears and just cut the grass until my knees hurt. The weeds have become a wonderful outlet for my stress. Each bunch that I manage to successfully pull out (roots and all) gives me so much satisfaction, probably disproportionate but… hey, whatever makes one happy, right?

Strange as it may seem, my gardening has offered me insights into what has been happening to me. We always hear that God prunes us because He loves us. Now that I have my own bushes, I get it. When I look at the pretty, fresh sprouts, it is easy to just let them be. But my mind takes over and I say – “Plant, I love you but you really need to be pruned. This will make you healthier, and prettier, too. So, bear with me, okay? Soon, you will understand what I’m saying”.

And it is not just the mere act of cutting the grass or pruning or weeding that gives me joyful respite. It’s the whole experience. The clicking of my shears. The sweet smell of freshly-cut grass. The feel of the gentle breeze on my face. The warmth of the sun. The crisp feel of the carabao grass on my fingers. The feeling of one-ness with all the creepy little things that go about their business as I go about mine.

And then I find myself being embraced in a comforting feeling of immense gratitude. Gratitude for the living things and for the huge blessing of our home and garden. For years, I have lived in dormitories and my space was defined by a single lumpy bed and a closet and nothing else. I survived on fast food and queued for probably a total of a tenth of my student life (queue to the toilet, to the bathroom, to the pay phone, etc.). Look at us now. I… we have been greatly blessed. I am truly grateful.

Small Comforts

For the past two weeks or so, I have been suffering from bad headaches every day. I have been popping all sorts of pills and I worry about the ill effects these may have on my liver or kidney, most especially on my tinnitus. This worrying about the pills (among other things) could very well be the same fuel that feeds this vicious cycle.

Now I take the time to sit and pause to thank God for things – big and small – that comfort me, in spite of:

• the smell of fresh-cut grass
• the low-pitched, distant hum of the village keepers’ motorized grass cutter
• the sight of our plants, all healthy and well; they seemed to have adapted nicely to our little garden. One of the gladiolas have even managed to bloom into beautiful peach-colored flowers. After only a few days, the grass is in need of mending and the topiaries are begging to be trimmed. I hope to find the time later today after my clinic. Or maybe tomorrow. (Thursdays are my much-loved free day/errand day/drive-the-kids-to-after-school-activities-day)
• hubby who patiently takes over helping the kids out with the homework especially when I am tired or feeling more impatient than usual
• the little girl’s warm, tight bear hug… like she has totally forgiven me for having yelled at her last weekend
• my elder daughter’s pretty, sheepish smile
• ashtanga yoga – it gave me much happiness and comfort for the past two weeks (not to mention a terrible sore after the first session!); It required the discipline to drive myself to the yoga class after a long day at work but I never anticipated such huge pay-offs: it made me feel incredibly relaxed and fulfilled. It’s like my body and mind were thanking me for the much-needed break. Sadly, this has to be put off for now as I await my doctor’s clearance and advice
• my mom – the short sermons and bit of nagging are actually a solid source of comfort and reassurance for me.
• my cousin M who urged me to try yoga. Her short text messages were always a source of comfort for me, I can’t really say how or why

I have quite a few concerns on my mind but for now I choose to focus on these small comforts. I send a tiny thank you to God in heaven and trust that everything will go well as He has planned.

Beautiful Morning

I feel light and happy this morning because it’s Thursday, my day off! Well, it’s not exactly rest day. It’s more like an errand day for me but any break I can get away from the hospital or from my clinic makes me happy all the same.

Last night, for the first time since hubby had left for a week-long business trip last weekend, I had restful sleep. It felt good. It was a mere 5-hour sleep but my body felt recharged. Quality talaga over quantity. Dear Lord must have heard my prayers when I begged him to remove all fears lurking in my heart (and imagination).

I woke up early (yet 15 min later than what I had intended) and scrambled about in the kitchen to cook guisadong beans and carrots. Kuya’s teacher asked the class to bring nutritious food, good for sharing with 2-3 other people, in lieu of this week’s celebration of Nutrition Week. As I scooped the veggies into his lunchbox, I felt more pleased than harassed. A great way to start the day.

Things on my to-do list for today include:

• Doing some grocery shopping – I know, I know. It seems like I do this every week. One word - baon. Last-minute na kulang sa bahay (Have I mentioned we’ve moved to our new home and that is “liblib”? Walang suking tandahan within, I’d say, a 5-km radius). Haller. We cannot afford to run out of patis or kamatis. I do realize I need to get myself more organized to spare me a few more trips, equating to a few more liters of gas saved.

• Typing up some documents for work. (This was exactly what I intended to do as I opened up my laptop but here I am, talking to you).

• Sending these documents to their intended recipients by LBC.

• A quick run to the bank to deposit a couple of checks. “Mga barya” by other people’s standards but they are a product of my sweat and saliva, of times spent sitting in my clinic patiently listening to all sorts of patient troubles, so it gives me a real thrill whenever I deposit these checks.

• Drive my son to his Taekwondo class

• Perhaps I can afford some time for bookstore window-shopping (my third this week, ay caramba!)? Or maybe I’d be fortunate enough to find a Booksale?

• Most important but not necessarily the most urgent on my to-do list is to get right back to unpacking some of the boxes that are cluttered around the house. I’ve been meaning to but just didn’t have the discipline to do it. During the first few days here, I was running around, decluttering and fixing things like crazy. Seems I’ve sunk comfortably into my new place and have lost my momentum. Hmmm.

It still amazes me how much more I am able to do here compared to when we still lived in the Metropolis. It’s like having been gifted with a few more hours every single day. It used to feel like all I ever did was wake up, rush to work and commute for hours, see a few (or none) patients, commute back for another couple of hours, rest a while, eat, then zonk out to sleep. Then it’s another day.

Here, even on days when I do have clinic, I am still able to help the kids with homework, do a few errands (like yesterday, I dropped by the market, just a block from work, and bought some fruits and vegetables, and ordered a birthday cake for the Little Girl’s upcoming birthday [4 years old, can you believe it?]) and still indulge in short but sweet periods of activities I loved to do most – I did some needle-work (cross-stitching) for half an hour and leisurely read a book for another half hour.

Ah, the joys and pleasures of a fledgling physician! They say it takes two years to build up one’s practice before one gets swamped with patients. Right now, I can’t complain. I am enjoying every minute of it.

Home Sweet home

I cannot believe it’s been three and a half weeks since we’ve moved into our new home. Hubby and I are immensely grateful for this great blessing… I guess you can say it is our dream home for not too long ago all we could do was to dream about it. Praise God!

Which brings me to this/these other thing/s – boxes and boxes of stuff still waiting to be unpacked! All of us pitched in as we gradually unpacked the important stuff, mostly the kids’ clothes (and toys!) and kitchen things, some of my/hubby’s clothes, things that we really need to use everyday. But there’s so much more… the boxes of books that desperately need to be dusted and arranged on our brand new built-in bookshelves, my much-loved stash of school/office supplies, even my valuables that are meant to be stored in our locked drawers are stuck in one of our obscure-looking knapsacks and are begging to be unpacked.

The kids still have a blast from playing with dirt (soil) and touching each and every makahiya leaf. We love to stroll and visit one (or all) of the three pocket gardens that the developer has so generously provided for the village. The sounds of the kuligligs are still a thrill. And the bugs! I am still in awe of the countless species of insects that I have seen in and around our home. Thank goodness there have been no mosquitos nor cockroaches. But we’ve seen gamu-gamo, dragonflies, ladybugs, what looked like a weird praying mantis, a yellow-striped wasp-looking insect that kept building his home made of mud right on our front door (once, even on my car window!) and a lot more. Sadly, there are also houseflies… they come in usually at lunch time and swarm over our dining table… eew (I know).

Since we’ve moved here, it seems like I never run out of errands. Grocery shopping weekly. Palengke weekly (I am still ecstatic over this palengke; tilapia na humihinga pa, grabe. And fruits, fruits, fruits). Driving to the water station for refill. Bookstore, bookstore. Driving around here in this area south of Manila is a walk in the park compared to city-driving. I am enjoying every bit of it.

More stories soon!

God is Great (As Usual)

God is great. Anxiously, I clutched my things and began to tread on unfamiliar territory. I breathed a silent prayer in my heart that everything will turn out okay. He answered my prayer by sending over a familiar, friendly face. A minute’s worth of smiles and encouragement was more than enough to comfort me and boost my confidence. All is well. All will be well.

Mindlessness

I finally got around to doing the groceries. Yesterday, I felt a sharp pang of guilt as I reached for our coffee canister only to find it empty. More so when I wanted to make some milk for the kids at breakfast and was told by our kasambahay, “Ate, wala na rin po”. Ayayay, what kind of a mother am I? Too busy the whole week and spent my free time working on frustrating and utterly useless crossword puzzles… honestly, spending bucks on booklets of puzzles to torture myself? Please remind me to smack myself on the forehead. Not to mention my mindless FB-ing (a.k.a. Facebook-ing)… aaargh.

This morning as I drove towards home from the supermarket, my youngest and I got entangled in a huge traffic jam. It was a beautiful morning, and I was proud because the little one was very much behaved. The jam was terrible and I had gotten pretty irked and allowed no one to drive past me. Sisingit-singit ka d’yan, gitgitan to the max! Thank heavens I was spared from a dent or scratch but as I sat there I thought to mysef – goodness, what creature have I turned myself into? How could I have turned from this neophyte driver whose armpits were drenched with sweat despite the airconditioning and who took much care and prayed with every turn and into this impatient, wreckless, arrogant witch? And in such a short span of time! Aaaack! Another smack on the forehead.

Enough! More mindfulness! More patience! More cool! Praise God for loving me in spite of.

Happily Swamped

This week, I was swamped by referrals and new patients. Okay, okay… ‘swamped’ is an exaggeration. But they were plenty enough to keep me busy. It left me no time to whine about my tiniest troubles and left me scrambling about with a smile in my heart. Every day I drive 80 to 120 km. Every night, my sleep is interrupted by updates and lab results. One doesn’t mind and instead, chooses to be grateful for the busy-ness and for people (nurses and residents) who bother to call and SMS.

I whined. Heavenly Father heard me. I am such a spoiled brat. Thank You, God.

Like Manna From Heaven

The other day, Mom and I were taking over dinner about wanting to try yoga. There was no yoga class in our hometown. My family and I, on the other hand, are to move into a new place in a couple of months and I knew, thru a cousin, that a yoga class was available. I felt excited. I’ve heard and read tons about the benefits of yoga – the way it helps relieve stressed muscles and minds, and about how it makes one limber. Mom and I laughed at how tight our muscles were. I then forgot about our conversation.

For days, weeks now even, I have been concerned about finding a good school for our three kids. Our first application into a ‘good’ school (or so we’ve heard) was pretty traumatic for me. A week after the exam, I was handed letters that said they were sorry to inform me that my kid was not accepted because he/she did not meet their requirements. And they thanked me for taking interest in their school. BS! It was painful for me and my ego. And I felt sorry for the kids whom I knew were smart, and curious, and inquisitive but have been exposed for the past two years to a school curriculum which was “unconventional”. (Others called it “non-traditional”).

For about a week after that, I hustled from one school to another in between my clinic hours. I busied myself over ID pictures, and birth and baptismal certificates, and teacher’s recommendations forms. Once, I found myself crying while driving. Are they nuts? How can they not accept my son and daughter? They’re preschoolers, c’mon, give them a break!

Yesterday, after my clinic, I went on an errand for hubby. As I drove in the mall parking lot, I failed to look into my rear view mirror as I made a wide turn and almost ran into a speeding car (driven by what looked like a teenager). My heart skipped a beat, my stomach sank, and my knees shook. I said thanks to God for sparing me in spite of my carelessness. Heaving a deep sigh of relief and thanks, I backed up into my parking space, then smiled at the security guard who was staring at my car, probably wanting to see who this idiot driver could be (I had dark tint).

After the short errand, I found myself walking into National Bookstore. I wanted to ease my nerves and what better place than the bookstore (I know, I’m a bit of a geek). Looking for nothing in particular, I loitered around and then found myself standing in front the shelf labeled “Parenting”. Staring right at me was this book entitled, “(A Parents’ Guide To) Preparing Your Child For School”. It was affordable and it was exactly what I needed. I thought - Wow. God does hear my prayers. I grabbed it.

A minute later, I saw “Yoga Bliss (Simple and Effective Routines for Chilling Out)” for only 299.50. Whoa! Father, God, You’re too much! You’re spoiling me! I scanned through the pages; it had great pictures and was obviously written for tight-muscled beginners like me. It fit my budget so I grabbed it, too.

I then picked up an issue of Pinoy Whiz English Edition for me and hubby (it’s a new hobby of ours, very cheap at 15 pesos and quite fun, too). And then I chanced upon a lone copy of “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff Omnibus (special Edition – three books in one) by Richard Carlson” at only 375.00. Quite a bargain! All my purchases amounted to less than a thousand pesos. I was as happy as a kid let loose in a candy store.

I thought to myself how thoughtful and generous God really is. I did not plan these purchases. I did not plan walking into the bookstore. But He graciously led me to where I could find what I really needed. Other people might call this serendipity. To me it’s God’s provision, plopped right in front me and ready for the picking – like manna from heaven! Wow.

As if these weren’t enough, as I walked past the lonely corners of the store, I overheard what sounded like a mom and a little kid girl reading. I allowed my curiosity to take over my usually reserved self and approached them. The mom was pointing at numerous short words on an MSA reading guide and the little girl was reading – pak, pak, pak – at full speed. She was so little and I was very much impressed. Engaging the mom in conversation (I’m glad she didn’t run away from me), I learned that the kid was only four, that she learned how to read at home, and that she’s been reading since age 3. Wow. I have been thinking a lot of Wow’s this past hour.

I picked up a few of the reading guides after the lady and the little girl had left. With a teeny-weeny bounce in my step, I rushed to the cashier and paid for my purchases (thank God, again, for the patients He sent to me the day before).

I have an aversion to this A-word because it’s been used and abused, but God really is awesome! As in. Praise God.

Past Tense

Lately, I’ve been having recurring dreams with themes centered on significant people in my past. I wonder why. Some were about these people having a great interest in sharing and living their lives with me. I, on the other hand, had an excuse for not being able to reciprocate such as being engaged to be married to someone else, or simply being uninterested.

After such dreams, I find myself spending the greater part of the day thinking about these people. How are they doing now? Are they living happy lives? Where are they?


When I allow myself to indulge in such thoughts, oftentimes I end up wondering about what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. What if I had the courage to show my feelings or, at least, show interest? What if I were able to conquer my self-consciousness and feelings of inferiority? What could have happened had I dared to make mistakes and risk breaking my heart in the process? Was the game of playing it safe worth it?


Such queries bear no answers and can be very tiring. Surely, these do not make positive contributions to my mental health. I stop. I take a deep breath. And I thank God for the great love that surrounds me every single day. I am grateful for such huge blessings too many to count.

Finding the Happy in Things Big and Small

My career is off to a very slow crawl. Colleagues and mentors say I need to be patient and prepare myself to endure this for the next two years.


Despite this, I have to say I’m feeling quite happy. Sure, I do not have lots of money. But I do have work (with no boss, as my sister enviously points out) AND I have time for a few of my other interests… interests that add so much more to my life.

I have time to read books at a whim; my budget is the only (minor) constraint. There is a lot of opportunity to dabble in my first love – cross-stitching. Pockets of time are used for writing short notes such as these. And I am able to browse around bookstores and on my favorite websites at a leisurely pace. Another good thing: I never expected that driving, and all the stress that came along with it, could give me a pleasant sense of freedom. There was no need to rely all the time on hubby, which is great as he’s been very busy and his schedule is unpredictable (usually). My driving has made grocery shopping less of a chore. It, as pointed out by an aunt, has made my life more flexible.


I thank God for these small changes in my life. My family and I are truly blessed.

My Mother

I am grateful for my mother. I am grateful for each visit, every hour spent with her. Not all encounters are happy. Sometimes I am hurt by words of criticism and correction. These are not always easy to swallow. But ultimately, each encounter makes me a better and wiser person. I pray to God I can be the same to my children.

Fruitful Day

I am up early because hubby had left very early for the airport for a business trip. Nawala antok ko so I decided to say my prayers and a rosary for his safe trip.

Yesterday was a good day and napahiya ako kay Lord kasi pinagbigyan N’ya na naman ako matapos kong ngumawa nang ngumawa. Tinuturuan N’ya talaga ako to be patient and to put my full trust in Him. As I awoke yesterday to the smell of breakfast cooking in the kitchen (care of hubby), I felt mild pain on my right temple. At that moment, I decided to lie in bed and nurse that headache, possibly the whole morning. I’m guessing that headache was because of the multitude of things that I have been worrying and fretting about (needlessly, as usual).

Mid-morning, I received a text message from my would-be secretary (naks!) and was told that the accountant… THE accountant is at the hospital today. Wow! Nawala ang sakit ng ulo ko. Thankfully, hubby was willing to bump off the plans he has made so that he can come with me and teach me (again) the directions to the hospital. So we bundled our three kulits and I drove to Laguna, leaving our yayas behind to rest.

The accountant was very pleasant and her rates were better than most I’ve heard of. Medyo malaki lang nagastos ko initially because I had to register all three clinics so times three yung initial gastos. I had to rush to two nearby ATMs but all were off-line. She was gracious enough to accept a check as payment and hubby was very generous enough to take care of the payment for me (more than 5 thou). Yehey! Thanks to hubby and to God. The accountant says my registration should be done within a week and she says my receipts should be available before I start my clinic at their hospital next month.

The drive to Laguna was relatively easy and it didn’t take too long. I think I can do it on my own. I mean, on a regular basis. Kaya naman. The toll fees were considerable though. One hundred and ten (65 for skyway plus 45) to and then 76 pabalik.

While I was settling things, hubby was able to get a car sticker from the security guard for me. Nakita ko na lang dinidikit na nila. Ang bait nung mga tao doon. Very accommodating sila. I was surprised that the guard, though he initially asked daw for papers to show that I was indeed affiliated, took hubby’s word for it.

After the stint with the accountant, I was very, very happy for having accomplished that task that has been bugging me for weeeeks. We drove off to the nearby Pavilion Mall and had lunch at, you guessed it… Jollibee! We availed of the BPI promo so nakatipid nang konti. The kids were happy; it was their first time at the Pavilion. I was feeling quite pleased, too. Hubby and I can imagine living our lives there, parang nakaka-at home doon. Later, the Little One had to poop so she and I went upstairs to the mall restroom and, thankfully, I had some wipes left in my bag.

After we had finished lunch, the Little Girl said it was her turn to poop. I ran out of wipes so I left her with hubby and dragged the Little Boy to the supermarket to buy some. While we were at it, I was very pleased to find the kids’ shampoo which was not available at SM nor Shopwise. It was very cheap and smelled great on the kids’ hair so I grabbed two big bottles. In the meantime, hubby was texting because the Little Girl was badly in need of the wipes already. Rush, rush, rush… wash. Ah, the little stresses and inconveniences of parenthood. Instead of giving in my to tendency to be irked, I thought these are what make parenthood an exciting adventure.

After some dessert at Dunkin’ (coffee for hubby), we drove around the place to scout for some schools for the kids next year. We were quite pleased with a couple of schools we saw. One was particularly impressive and I was awed by the beauty of the surrounding scenery. Their soccer field was nestled right amidst beautiful, lush mountains. What a blessing it would be if our kids can grow up in such a beautiful surrounding. For a while, I worried, too about the kids coping to this big change of moving to a “big” school. Their school right now is such a small community, almost everybody knows everyone else.

After that, we visited our lot at V____. It was a very quiet and peaceful Saturday afternoon. We let the kids play at the playgound/clubhouse for a while. The Little One was tearful as we climbed to our car. She so wanted to swim in the pool but we did not bring any extra clothes. We then drove around a bit, admiring the pretty houses and just taking in the calm of the surroundings.

The whole experience reminded me of the suburbs in the States (based on my friends’ pictures and on what I see on TV, at least). I felt very grateful that we were on our way to achieving this dream. I thanked God for such a blessing and prayed that He would continue to bless us with this gift. I was particularly thankful that hubby and I need not leave our country to be able to enjoy such blessings. We were right at home.

We then braced ourselves for the trip back home. The traffic was heavy and the kids, particularly the Little One was getting irritable and began looking for her yaya. Good thing she fell asleep. I realized it was not easy driving in bumper-to-bumper traffic and my right quads hurt. I did not complain. Silently, I told myself that this was something I had to learn to contend with for the next half-year. Twice a week wouldn’t be so bad. If I needed to go more than twice a week, it would mean having referrals and that would be something to be thankful for.

I’m supposed to start my other clinic next weekend but since my reciepts aren’t ready yet, I hope to be able to ask the secretaries if I can start by December instead.

Oh, I forgot to tell you that the layout for my prescription pads and business cards have been finally sent to me. They looked okay. I can’t wait to get my hands on them.

We Are A Spoiled Bunch

Hubby and I are just so thrilled at the Lord’s generosity. Everything, every plan, is slowly falling into place.

Just weeks ago, I felt lost. It felt like standing in the middle of a thick forest. I had no idea where to go… which direction to take. But God has been faithful, as always. He took hold of His bolo and just hacked away, making way, clearing paths for me. And I am truly grateful. Thank You, Lord.

I was happy to have found free, affordable, hassle-free clinic space in this building along ___ avenue. I asked for a Saturday morning slot… and God gave it to me.

I longed to be able to rent clinic space in Laguna because I didn’t have enough funds to lease. The family has more pressing needs and I do not expect to be earning a lot, not in the next couple of years. So hubby and I wanted to keep my overhead to a minimum. Like a surprise gift, it just landed on my lap. There it was - available clinic space, for rent, equipped, decent-looking, with a pleasant secretary. It was free on the days that I wanted, including the slot just before the weekly conferences at the department. Which means I can hold clinic AND attend the conference, all in one go. How great is that?!

Today, hubby and I went to the bank for our appointment regarding our housing loan. A hundred signatures later, we are officially in debt. Seriously, it felt more like being a step closer to our dreams. I trust in our generous God that He would continue to provide for our everyday needs. He has always been so generous to me and my family. He has not only been providing for our needs but for most of our wants as well. Praised be God.

I finally bought myself a black bag. It was pretty and plain enough for my taste. It looked sturdy. It did not bear any mark/brand. And more importantly, at 650 pesos, it was affordable enough. =)

On Comforting Always and City-Driving

I cannot believe almost three weeks have passed since I last “wrote”. Kaya naman pala I get this feeling of restlessness again. My writing, I mean, my outpouring of thoughts and feelings on paper/keyboard, helps keep me sane. (It makes me a bit uncomfortable saying “my writing” because I do not consider myself a writer). It keeps me anchored and gives me a fresh break from my usual super-nega perspective.

My practice has been slow but swell. I thank God that for the past 2 weeks, I got to earn a bit instead of the usual na “negative pa sa pamasahe”. Teeny-weenie bit talaga. I am practically still living off of the allowance that hubby gives me monthly. Things have been slow that I have not gathered enough guts to go out and buy myself a decent-looking bag. I have been longing for a black, everyday shoulder bag for work. I have seen quite a few but not THE bag. They’re either not pretty enough, not big enough, or more importantly, not affordable enough.

Despite my meager earnings and the long, arduous bus ride from the province back to Manila, there are a few moments that make my decision to practice in my hometown worth it. Still at the top of my list was getting the chance to see my preschool music teacher as patient. She’s 78 but the way she thanked me so profusely, especially after I’ve introduced myself as one of her former students, is enough to fill my heart with so much joy! Even something as simple as a patient’s relative telling me on the phone “umayos po ang pakiramdam ni Nanay, malakas na kumain”. She still does have leukemia. But knowing she feels a bit better makes everything worthwhile. - "To cure sometimes, to relieve often, to comfort always”.

There’s also this one patient who was referred to me because of a non-life-threatening, really minor problem. But she came back to the clinic sooner than scheduled because she needed to talk to someone. She seemed very hopeless and weepy and distraught. I sensed that she was depressed… possibly postpartum. I couldn’t do more for her blood problem (she was already taking her medications) but I think I did more for her by listening to her, acknowledging her fears and feelings. In the end, I urged her and her husband to seek the help of a psychiatrist. I wouldn’t be surprised to see her come back next week.

Covering for my former mentor has been keeping me busy since yesterday. Medyo madami patients na naka-admit. I am grateful that she has kept her out-patient schedule to a minimum. Madaming araw na wala clinic. Like today. I was able to go home early and take a much-needed afternoon nap. I have been having flu-like symptoms since yesterday and had to really drag myself to work this morning. Three Bioflu’s later and I am feeling much better. Plus, tonight, hubby is coming back from Jakarta and that alone is enough to actually make me feel better. I think I can never get used to him being so far away from home, kahit pa short periods lang.

Yesterday was a milestone for me as it was the first time ever that I drove myself to work in Manila. Mare, mahirap ha! It’s not even half as fun as I thought it would be. The long stretch of Quezon Avenue almost drove me crazy with the unpredictable U-turns (I wonder if the U turns are actually better than having stoplights at every corner). Kaloka. Pati mga jeep at bus na nagigitgitan. I, being my usual, ok-ok self, wanted to stick to my lane (middle lane, non-committal, haha). But golly, it seemed that those lines/lanes painted on the roads were useless. Find your own place lang talaga. As one resident told me, “suggestions lang yun, mam”. This morning I was so tempted to take a cab to make my life less stressful. But I saw the gray clouds and looked back to the time when I stood endlessly waiting for a cab so… hay sige. Go na! After a few close encounters, I survived. Praise God.

I consider it nothing short of a miracle, finding the clinic place and schedule that I wanted a day after hubby and I went to St. Jude to pray for guidance and much-needed help.

Pockets Of Peace

I get this weird sense of profound peace at the most unusual places. Earlier this evening, as my 5-year-old son and I walked from his barber to a nearby Dunkin’ Donuts and then back home, I looked around and felt like there was nothing I wanted more. It was the first time his barber gave him a clean shave of his sideburns with a few skillful swishes of his labaha. Seeing other parents walking home with their little kids in uniforms, I felt one with the world. Folks in their office uniforms were everywhere, some clutching pasalubong for their families, I suppose. It is not easy to explain. But seeing these people made me feel like there is no rat race. There is a human race. And it felt wonderful to be part of it.

Somehow, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d feel the same sense of belonging once we move to our dream house in a dream village somewhere south of Manila. Would the clubhouse or the well-paved streets, or the manicured pocket gardens spread around the village give me the same kind of peace?

I distinctly remember how, once, I walked in pouring rain from a day spent at the library (see July 10, 2009 post).Taxis were hard to come by. People were scrambling to get their rides on buses and jeepneys. I decided against roughing it out with them and pursued the “scenic” route. That meant clutching my old blue umbrella, carrying my book-filled bag on my right shoulder, and walking along the side streets to my home. It was very quiet save for the sound of raindrops hitting my parasol and the faint squish-squash my feet were making against my sandals. The considerable distance to my home did not matter. There was no anxiety about making it home drenched. No worry about kidnappers that may have been lurking in the deserted corners . All I felt was peace and contentment.

Thank God for these pockets of peace.

On the eve of my first day of practice

I sit here in my room. A room once shared with my one and only sister. The room of my childhood. Much has changed compared to how it was some 25 years ago. There is less clutter. None of the countless pillows that our beds used to have.

Funny how lonely I feel being here by my lonesome, quiet self. As I sit here amidst the stillness, I realize with much amazement how big my world has grown. Whereas before I had nobody but my parents, my sister, and my school (and all the people that came with it), I now have a husband and three children. People who are now four hours away from me. People who mean the world to me.

God has been very generous. I am on the verge of the realization of a life-long dream. Tomorrow is the first day of my private practice. The anxiety, even nervousness, that I feel is real. And yet I find comfort in the white coat that now stares back at me as it hung on my bedroom door. It bears my name and the field that I’ve chosen. It bears witness to God’s generosity. Proof of how one’s dreams, once so distant and almost out-of-reach, can slowly come true.