Snap, snap, snap.

It seems like all I've really been doing since yesterday was to snap. I snapped at my kids. I snapped at my husband. I snapped at our kasambahays (helpers). It's sad that I have been using my illness as a sorry, worn-out excuse.

First things first: please allow myself to rant. I have been dealing with my tinnitus for more than a year now. The ENT I am currently seeing (my fourth one) is one of the best, if not the best, ear specialist in the country. But up until now, after months of medication and tests, we're still both stumped.

My CT scan has shown evidence of a problem (likely, congenital) in my right temporal bone. But a lot of questions have emerged since. Why does my tinnitus involve my left ear as well? Why do I get these bad, disabling, right-sided headaches that typically last for days? And why, after my doctor flipped and turned me almost violently in different directions during my check-up last week, does my left ear show signs of "weakness"? And yet the tinnitus, in both ears, remains... louder than ever. So many why's. Not enough answers.

And so many restrictions! A long list of things that include a lot of the things I love (or would have loved to do): No caffeine, therefore, no coffee nor chocolates. No yoga. No running nor jogging. No lifting nor pushing of heavy objects (which sadly,translates to no carrying of my kids and no grocery-shopping on my own). No stooping over (which means no more grass cutting in the garden). And no salty food though I've been allowed to get away with this last one since sodium levels have been slightly low.

My in-born propensity to snap has been aggravated by the fact that the doctor has switched my drug to something that is supposed to keep me from having headaches BUT would predispose me to weight gain, drowsiness, and depression. I'm thinking, great! They took away all my comfort things AND gave me the perfect excuse to feel sad and sleepy. 

END OF RANT.

But there have been countless blessings along the way. My husband goes out of his way to comfort me and cheer me up. (Just half an hour ago, he cooked fishball for me and the kids). My mom has been my fiercest prayer warrior. My one and only sister is one of my staunch supporters. My aunts. My mother-in-law. All of them have been continuously praying for me. And my kids... ah, the kids. I've yelled at them many times. I've been irritable and at times, have consciously chosen to stay in a room away from them to protect my ears from their high-pitched yelling. (My ears are pretty sensitive to noise, especially to high-pitched sounds AND countless occasions have proven that anger and irritation trigger my headache; just so you wouldn't think I'm being too mean, okay?). But they hug me and love me just as I am.

The youngest has her adorable way of cheering me up by moving her face close to mine and giving me her best smile, "Mommy, are you happy or sad? Happy?". The Big Girl gives me spontaneous hugs and 'I love you's almost every day. And Kuya plants his kisses on my cheeks and shows me his amazingly detailed sketches. 

Hubby, oh hubby. He takes charge of a lot of my usual chores especially when the symptoms become pretty bad or when he sees me in one of my depressed phases (that happens mostly after I've come from the doctor). He helps the kids with homework when I don't feel like doing it and he does this very patiently. He runs to the groceries to buy rice and what not. He cooks food that I particularly love simply because "I want you to be happy, hon". 

Today, I scolded my elder daughter. She was being whiney and was sulking. She hounded me since yesterday to get her a tiny pretty box from the bookstore, something to store her ring in. Hubby and I surprised her today, but instead of being pleased, she got envious of the other surprises for her siblings and failed to appreciate the box. I yelled at her and said "Ano ka ba, kahapon ka pa hingi nang hingi sa akin ng box tapos ngayon  na ibinigay ko na, hindi ka pa rin masaya. Ano pa ba ang gusto mo?".

I had to stop, almost mid-sentence, because... I could well be talking to myself. God must have grinned His mighty silly grin. and I shut up and thanked God for all my blessings.