Anytime. All The Time.

This is too funny. Things like these always happen in cycles. One can only manage to laugh knowing that everything always turns out for the better in the end.

Just ten days ago, I’ve written about how things were looking up and proceeded to enumerate the things I was really grateful for. Countless blessings! Now, I remain grateful… with just a few “concerns” (a.k.a. worries) in my mind.

I felt quite okay after my check up with the ear specialist and was, in fact, feeling more than fine that I dragged my aunt for some halu-halo and a little more chit-chat afterwards. When evening came, I began to feel distraught. By some unexplainable coincidence (?), I began to have tinnitus on my other ear, too. I remember very distinctly the exact moment when it happened. I was on my bed, right ear on the pillow, when I noted that my tinnitus on the left turned unusually loud. Then, I felt fullness on my left ear and it suddenly shifted to the right. This was followed by very loud tinnitus on my right. So I now have tinnitus on both ears. And it’s been like that ever since.

Hubby thinks it may all be related to stress, brought about my worrying after having spoken to Dr. C. He may be right. But this kind of reasoning is not easy to accept. It’s like saying that I brought this illness upon myself. Like I battered my brain enough for the thoughts to become real. As if I’ve willed my body to act this way; worse, with my consent.

Actually, Dr. C.’s advise sounded very logical, very intelligent, and somehow, encouraging. Get the ear tests done. Have the CT scan done (just to make sure that there’s no tumor and to see whether I am at risk of having sudden permanent hearing loss). Take the vitamin B and give it two months. Come back with the results and we’ll see.

Things have become a bit more complicated because… I have reason to believe that I may be pregnant. We’ve been keeping things “under control” for years; our youngest will be turning four in a couple of months. But we may have been not careful enough this month. And everyone knows how “fertile” we can get.

Hubby has been laughing off my worries about our being pregnant. In fact, he has been very relaxed and “un-worried” about the whole thing. But this morning, I got a glimpse into the inner workings of his heart when he very casually mentioned that he has decided to cut down on some of our expenses.

Instead of the original plan of buying two new LCD TVs (one for the den and the other for our bedroom), we’ll be buying just one (for our bedroom). We can then settle for our old one (currently at the repair shop) for the den. We won’t be buying a new sala set yet as this can wait. And then he said, “Baka mahaba pa ang gamutan mo. Ayoko nang kokonti ang cash na hawak natin”.

Yesterday, I had a bad case of what seemed like an intestinal flu. I tossed and turned on my bed the night before because of intermittent gnawing epigastric pain. I thought it may be hyperacidity caused by incessant worrying. Morning came and I had 3 explosive episodes of diarrhea and suffered from crampy on and off tummy ache the whole day. I vaguely remembered suffering from the exact same thing during the first few weeks of my pregnancy with our youngest.

Today, I felt a little better, still with some tummy ache though (until now, as I write). When I walked into my clinic, the first thing I noticed was the intolerable, noxious odor of my secretary’s perfume. I thought to myself – bago kaya pabango n’ya? And then tonight, I barely touched my dinner. It was adobo. The dish that I very much detested during my pregnancies. All three of them. Now hubby’s worried.

To add to this list, this morning, our yaya who’s been with us for the past 2 months said that she’d be leaving tomorrow morning. Hubby was irked; he wanted at least a month’s notice, enough time for us to look for a replacement. I was mad, too, thinking of all the work that needs to be done because of our move to our new home (in two weeks!). But part of me (a bigger part of me) felt relieved as this particular yaya has been getting of my nerves for weeks! Wala nang ginawa kundi tumambay sa kapitbahay. Plus a serious attitude problem. Frankly, I’d be very happy to see her off. I hope our other favorite yaya does not abandon us. I called on my Tita A and tomorrow she is coming to our rescue. Ever-reliable. As my other tita said after I thanked her profusely, “Anytime. All the time.” Beautiful words. Like music to my heart.

Once again, I just scoop up all of these concerns and throw them up in the air… away with all my worries and issues. God cares for me. God cares for us. Anytime. All the time.