(Written on my phone as I waited in line for my doctor)
1. Be grateful always to everyone (especially to God) and for everything - be it big or small.
2. Never talk ill of others. When they treat you well it will put yourself to shame.
3. We can make plans but they can only take us so far. God ALWAYS takes care of the rest.
4. When our plans are not up to speed with God’s, be ready to improvise.
5. Stop the worrying. Identify the problem. Then do something about it. (I woke up today with a headache. There were a lot of things on my to-do list so I whined and whined. Then I ate breakfast, took my meds, and rested quietly for two hours. After that, the headache was gone and I was good to go).
6. Did I say thank, thank, thank?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I am sorry...
… for being super-duper grouchy to everyone at home - hubby, the kids, and the yayas.
… for missing scripture and prayers.
… for missing out on my gratitude journal for two days. No wonder I was being so whiny and negative about things.
… for missing scripture and prayers.
… for missing out on my gratitude journal for two days. No wonder I was being so whiny and negative about things.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Saying 'No'
This thing is beginning to give me a headache… oh Lord, please give me the guts to say ‘No’ when I mean it. The guts to say it over and over when the person asking is unrelenting. The guts to stick to my guns when the other person refuses, time and again, to take the ‘No’ for an answer. The courage to make decisions for myself and to set my priorities, specifically, to choose time with my family over the less essential things.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Loving Thy Neighbor
I have decided to make good use of my time at home. I set out to teach our youngest her ABCs, and to help our 4-year-old to master writing her name.
It’s embarrassing. Our youngest, now three, does not know her ABCs. Her Kuya knew all 26 letters by heart at that age. I do not remember consciously teaching him the alphabet because two years ago, I was buried deep in work/training, hospital duty, and innumerable other tasks. But I surrounded him with a lot of books on the alphabet, and flashcards.
The flashcards are now long gone, hapless victims of the kids’ rough-handling. The books I very well remember. One of those was exactly the same as the one I had when I was little.
When I was very young, parents and titas showered me with gifts of books. I will never forget my big, hardboard set of Froebel-Kan books. As a little kid, I remember staring endlessly at the pretty, very detailed pictures of the frog and the princess and their sumptuous royal dinner. The same set of books were also very useful as shelter for my teddy bear and dolls; because they were very stiff, I would make the books stand up as walls, and I could manage to put another book as roof on the top. As I learned how to read, I discovered my insatiable appetite for books and read them countless times.
Imagine how delighted I was when I chanced upon exactly the same set of hardboard books at a Goodwill bookstore a few years ago. And they were on sale! I grabbed as many as my budget allowed. As soon as I got home, I stuck a sticker that bore my kids’ names (two, at that time) on each of the books’ cover. I’d like to think the two elder kids enjoyed them. I got a kick out of reading to them or simply seeing them staring at the pictures.
Now, we had a helper for almost two years whose sister lived in the same compound, just two doors away from us. This sister had a son, and later a daughter, just a bit younger than our kids. (Can you now see where I am going?). Last year, one of the yayas reported that she could not cut the kids’ nails because the small nailclipper was missing. It made me very angry to discover that the yaya had to go to the other house whenever one of our kids had to have their nails clipped to “borrow” what was rightfully ours. I confronted the helper… it was ugly, and after that the nailclipper magically reappeared.
Later on, hubby found out the same helper had been bringing food out of the house. Now, now… I know we were better off than her sister’s family; the husband worked for a hardware store and was probably earning minimum wage. But that did not give them reason to take what was not rightfully theirs. Also, we regularly shared food (cake, sweets) and old but still decently usable kids’ clothes and shoes for the sister’s kids.
Fast forward to the present. The helper is, thankfully, no longer with us. As soon as she left, we found out that a lot of Kuya’s beloved toy cars were gone. Some of their other toys are missing. Miraculously, our groceries now last much, much, much longer than before. We couldn’t help but notice. The detergent, which before lasted not longer than a week, now can sustain us up to two weeks! Even the oil, produce, rice… everything lasted longer than before. This confirmed our suspicions. And one of our yayas allegedly saw some of the kids’ toys and books in the other house. They were all battered up and when the yaya dared to ask the sister why those books were there, she said, “Itatapon na ang mga ‘yan ni ___ (helper’s name)”.
I was very angry but decided against confronting them. One never wins such arguments. They will always be defensive and feel “api”. For a while I stopped smiling at the sister, stopped acknowledging her when we ran into each other in the compound. But later, I again started giving her small smiles.
Today, with the exam over, I began looking for the kids’ alphabet books, particularly the hardboard one. It was gone! I was very mad (again). Mad at the helper who’s long gone. Mad at the neighbor. And mad at myself. Did I think that our youngest will just learn the alphabet all by herself? She is very smart and has a vocabulary that never ceases to amaze me, but sadly, does not know A from B from C.
This afternoon, I will be going out on a much-anticipated date with my sister. I will make sure to drop by the bookstore to replenish our stocks. And order Robee stickers to label them with the kids’ names, hoping that this time, the labels will work.
Loving one’s neighbors is not a very easy thing to do.
It’s embarrassing. Our youngest, now three, does not know her ABCs. Her Kuya knew all 26 letters by heart at that age. I do not remember consciously teaching him the alphabet because two years ago, I was buried deep in work/training, hospital duty, and innumerable other tasks. But I surrounded him with a lot of books on the alphabet, and flashcards.
The flashcards are now long gone, hapless victims of the kids’ rough-handling. The books I very well remember. One of those was exactly the same as the one I had when I was little.
When I was very young, parents and titas showered me with gifts of books. I will never forget my big, hardboard set of Froebel-Kan books. As a little kid, I remember staring endlessly at the pretty, very detailed pictures of the frog and the princess and their sumptuous royal dinner. The same set of books were also very useful as shelter for my teddy bear and dolls; because they were very stiff, I would make the books stand up as walls, and I could manage to put another book as roof on the top. As I learned how to read, I discovered my insatiable appetite for books and read them countless times.
Imagine how delighted I was when I chanced upon exactly the same set of hardboard books at a Goodwill bookstore a few years ago. And they were on sale! I grabbed as many as my budget allowed. As soon as I got home, I stuck a sticker that bore my kids’ names (two, at that time) on each of the books’ cover. I’d like to think the two elder kids enjoyed them. I got a kick out of reading to them or simply seeing them staring at the pictures.
Now, we had a helper for almost two years whose sister lived in the same compound, just two doors away from us. This sister had a son, and later a daughter, just a bit younger than our kids. (Can you now see where I am going?). Last year, one of the yayas reported that she could not cut the kids’ nails because the small nailclipper was missing. It made me very angry to discover that the yaya had to go to the other house whenever one of our kids had to have their nails clipped to “borrow” what was rightfully ours. I confronted the helper… it was ugly, and after that the nailclipper magically reappeared.
Later on, hubby found out the same helper had been bringing food out of the house. Now, now… I know we were better off than her sister’s family; the husband worked for a hardware store and was probably earning minimum wage. But that did not give them reason to take what was not rightfully theirs. Also, we regularly shared food (cake, sweets) and old but still decently usable kids’ clothes and shoes for the sister’s kids.
Fast forward to the present. The helper is, thankfully, no longer with us. As soon as she left, we found out that a lot of Kuya’s beloved toy cars were gone. Some of their other toys are missing. Miraculously, our groceries now last much, much, much longer than before. We couldn’t help but notice. The detergent, which before lasted not longer than a week, now can sustain us up to two weeks! Even the oil, produce, rice… everything lasted longer than before. This confirmed our suspicions. And one of our yayas allegedly saw some of the kids’ toys and books in the other house. They were all battered up and when the yaya dared to ask the sister why those books were there, she said, “Itatapon na ang mga ‘yan ni ___ (helper’s name)”.
I was very angry but decided against confronting them. One never wins such arguments. They will always be defensive and feel “api”. For a while I stopped smiling at the sister, stopped acknowledging her when we ran into each other in the compound. But later, I again started giving her small smiles.
Today, with the exam over, I began looking for the kids’ alphabet books, particularly the hardboard one. It was gone! I was very mad (again). Mad at the helper who’s long gone. Mad at the neighbor. And mad at myself. Did I think that our youngest will just learn the alphabet all by herself? She is very smart and has a vocabulary that never ceases to amaze me, but sadly, does not know A from B from C.
This afternoon, I will be going out on a much-anticipated date with my sister. I will make sure to drop by the bookstore to replenish our stocks. And order Robee stickers to label them with the kids’ names, hoping that this time, the labels will work.
Loving one’s neighbors is not a very easy thing to do.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Flowers. So soon.
A strange thing happened today. When the kids came home from school at noon, the yaya came up to me and said, “Ate, dalaga na po ang anak n’yo”. My first thought was… what? She had her menses?! Then she handed me a bouquet of 3 pink roses, in full bloom. Normally, the sight of flowers would have elicited feelings of happiness and pleasure. Definitely not this time. The next thing that came to my mind was - what the? I found this strange because the first ever bouquet of flowers I got was at age 22… and it had come from my now hubby.
Our 4-year-old is very pretty. I knew it the first time I laid eyes on her at the nursery the day after I had given birth. She had thick, shiny, dark hair; big, round eyes; and, very pink, dainty lips. Wish I could say she got these from me. She actually took after my mother. Mommy has always been a looker. I remember feeling elated when people say we look alike, and this did not happen very often. More often, I get - oh, you’re mom is prettier than you. My sister and I have gotten used to remarks like these and take no offense.
Anyway, I always knew our Little Girl would be breaking some hearts when she grows up. Countless times, I’ve teased her father about it, warning him, saying he better start bracing himself for the time when guys come knocking on the door because of his two daughters (I pray that that - knocking on the parents’ door - would be still the norm). But, one big BUT, I never thought that this would happen this soon! I thought, what in the world were this boy’s parents thinking? Apparently, the boy’s yaya told our yaya that last night, he cried and insisted that his parents bring him to the mall so he could pick flowers for our girl. And they did exactly that.
Trying my best to act as normally as possible, I told our Little Girl that the flowers were nice and matter-of-factly asked who the giver was. She said she didn’t know. She looked unhappy, even miserable. I asked why she was given flowers and she said she didn’t know. Minutes later, she told me that she was scared and didn’t want to go back to school. Why, did they tease you? She said no. The yaya said that as they stood outside the classroom and the boy came out, our Little Girl looked scared and pulled at her and said ‘Let’s go’.
It bothered me a bit that it affected her this way. Maybe the extra attention, the way she was being singled out, frightened her. But I am also quite relieved. Had she looked thrilled or flattered like a teenager, I would be pulling my hair right now and beating on my chest. Her reaction was a reminder to me that my girl is still the innocent baby that she’s always been. Minutes later, I heard her characteristic loud, hearty laugh from the other room; a cartoon cracked her up. Big sigh of relief.
There. I have gotten over it. Now, I can’t wait to see her Daddy’s face when he comes home tonight.
Our 4-year-old is very pretty. I knew it the first time I laid eyes on her at the nursery the day after I had given birth. She had thick, shiny, dark hair; big, round eyes; and, very pink, dainty lips. Wish I could say she got these from me. She actually took after my mother. Mommy has always been a looker. I remember feeling elated when people say we look alike, and this did not happen very often. More often, I get - oh, you’re mom is prettier than you. My sister and I have gotten used to remarks like these and take no offense.
Anyway, I always knew our Little Girl would be breaking some hearts when she grows up. Countless times, I’ve teased her father about it, warning him, saying he better start bracing himself for the time when guys come knocking on the door because of his two daughters (I pray that that - knocking on the parents’ door - would be still the norm). But, one big BUT, I never thought that this would happen this soon! I thought, what in the world were this boy’s parents thinking? Apparently, the boy’s yaya told our yaya that last night, he cried and insisted that his parents bring him to the mall so he could pick flowers for our girl. And they did exactly that.
Trying my best to act as normally as possible, I told our Little Girl that the flowers were nice and matter-of-factly asked who the giver was. She said she didn’t know. She looked unhappy, even miserable. I asked why she was given flowers and she said she didn’t know. Minutes later, she told me that she was scared and didn’t want to go back to school. Why, did they tease you? She said no. The yaya said that as they stood outside the classroom and the boy came out, our Little Girl looked scared and pulled at her and said ‘Let’s go’.
It bothered me a bit that it affected her this way. Maybe the extra attention, the way she was being singled out, frightened her. But I am also quite relieved. Had she looked thrilled or flattered like a teenager, I would be pulling my hair right now and beating on my chest. Her reaction was a reminder to me that my girl is still the innocent baby that she’s always been. Minutes later, I heard her characteristic loud, hearty laugh from the other room; a cartoon cracked her up. Big sigh of relief.
There. I have gotten over it. Now, I can’t wait to see her Daddy’s face when he comes home tonight.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Weeping may endure for a night...
Once again, I am in awe of God’s generosity and faithfulness.
Against all odds, He has proven once more that He is on my side. In the blink of an eye, He has wiped away every tear, every pain, every fear, and every sense of desperation.
God must have allowed all the events of the past two weeks to happen to push me to pray more… to urge me to rely on His strength instead of my own. The experience taught me the value of prayer. And of prayers offered by loved ones and friends. It opened my eyes to the beauty of God’s strokes, those which, just days ago, were difficult to appreciate and understand.
My heart overflows with happiness and gratitude to all who offered prayers for my sake.
Praised be Jesus! Praised be Mama Mary! Thank you St. Peter and St. Jude!
Against all odds, He has proven once more that He is on my side. In the blink of an eye, He has wiped away every tear, every pain, every fear, and every sense of desperation.
God must have allowed all the events of the past two weeks to happen to push me to pray more… to urge me to rely on His strength instead of my own. The experience taught me the value of prayer. And of prayers offered by loved ones and friends. It opened my eyes to the beauty of God’s strokes, those which, just days ago, were difficult to appreciate and understand.
My heart overflows with happiness and gratitude to all who offered prayers for my sake.
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. - Psalm 30:5
Praised be Jesus! Praised be Mama Mary! Thank you St. Peter and St. Jude!
I can do all things because Christ gives me strength. - Philippians 4:13
Saturday, August 15, 2009
First Day Of The Rest Of My Life
Tomorrow marks the first day of the rest of my life.
I am scared. I worry that I would not be able to recall the things I’ve been reading and reviewing since the beginning of the year. I am scared of not making it. When fear takes its hold on me, I call on the Lord, and Mama Mary, and St. Paul and St. Jude. I think of all my friends and loved ones who promise to include me in my prayers.
Everything in the past seems to lead up to the big day. Everything that I have worked hard for, dreamed of, and hoped for.
And then I think of what to do after the exam, regardless of whether I make it or not. The possibilities are endless. I feel the excitement. I sense this freedom to do what I want and what I need. Just think… God empowers me so I can choose what to do next.
I can start setting up my practice, finally. I can start reading books - those that lay untouched on my shelves because reading them were not a priority. I can go to Power Books and browse freely… I can buy and read whatever interests me, with no pressure, no deadline, no exam to follow after. It’s so liberating!
I can spend more time with the kids, go out on more dates with hubby and with my sister. I can start picking up a new hobby as Mommy and I have planned (crocheting or knitting). I can write and blog to my heart’s content. I can start learning to cook some more. Sure, there are a few more conventions (and probably a paper presentation, if we get lucky) that wait to be attended… but I no longer worry about going on duty or living up to other people’s expectations and demands.
I cannot hide this silly smile on my face.
But first, back to my books for some last-minute cramming. ☺
I am scared. I worry that I would not be able to recall the things I’ve been reading and reviewing since the beginning of the year. I am scared of not making it. When fear takes its hold on me, I call on the Lord, and Mama Mary, and St. Paul and St. Jude. I think of all my friends and loved ones who promise to include me in my prayers.
Everything in the past seems to lead up to the big day. Everything that I have worked hard for, dreamed of, and hoped for.
And then I think of what to do after the exam, regardless of whether I make it or not. The possibilities are endless. I feel the excitement. I sense this freedom to do what I want and what I need. Just think… God empowers me so I can choose what to do next.
I can start setting up my practice, finally. I can start reading books - those that lay untouched on my shelves because reading them were not a priority. I can go to Power Books and browse freely… I can buy and read whatever interests me, with no pressure, no deadline, no exam to follow after. It’s so liberating!
I can spend more time with the kids, go out on more dates with hubby and with my sister. I can start picking up a new hobby as Mommy and I have planned (crocheting or knitting). I can write and blog to my heart’s content. I can start learning to cook some more. Sure, there are a few more conventions (and probably a paper presentation, if we get lucky) that wait to be attended… but I no longer worry about going on duty or living up to other people’s expectations and demands.
I cannot hide this silly smile on my face.
But first, back to my books for some last-minute cramming. ☺
Friday, August 14, 2009
Note to Self
Dear Me:
Tandaan!
Coffee… bawal.
Chocolate… bawal.
Maalat - includes chippy, piattos (lahat ng chips, okay?), toyong sawsawan… bawal.
Pati decaffeinated na kape… bawal (umaasim na nga t’yan mo sa dami ng gamot).
‘Wag na tigas ulo, okay?
Para sa kabutihan mo rin lahat ng ‘to.
Conscientiously yours,
Me
P.S. This was written after I rejoiced after noting that my vertigo had improved, after which I devoured a pack of clover chips in minutes, after which I began to feel light-headed again. Sigh. Sorry na, St. Jude.
Tandaan!
Coffee… bawal.
Chocolate… bawal.
Maalat - includes chippy, piattos (lahat ng chips, okay?), toyong sawsawan… bawal.
Pati decaffeinated na kape… bawal (umaasim na nga t’yan mo sa dami ng gamot).
‘Wag na tigas ulo, okay?
Para sa kabutihan mo rin lahat ng ‘to.
Conscientiously yours,
Me
P.S. This was written after I rejoiced after noting that my vertigo had improved, after which I devoured a pack of clover chips in minutes, after which I began to feel light-headed again. Sigh. Sorry na, St. Jude.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Yesterday, Teacher M asked to speak to us about our 4-year-old Ate. She told hubby na medyo maingay daw sa klase. And nahihirapan pa sa pagsulat ng pangalan n’ya. Nababaliktad (jumbled) yung mga letra. And she still stammers occasionally when she gets too excited (we almost do not see this at home anymore... a big improvement).
So we will try to be more diligent abut her practicing her writing. I noticed a couple months ago that she gets her letters mixed up; I was getting worried about dyslexia but friends say she’s too young to be expected to write her name consistently. (Kuya was an exception; his language skills lagged behind but his writing skills were far advanced).
After a few weeks of practice, if she still shows no improvement, we might have to do some serious intervention such as writing tutorial (care of a SPED or an OT... maybe at the center in Makati where she and her Kuya used to go for their speech therapy). If it still doesn’t work… and I hope we wouldn’t reach that point, we might have to get a professional help/evaluation.
So we will try to be more diligent abut her practicing her writing. I noticed a couple months ago that she gets her letters mixed up; I was getting worried about dyslexia but friends say she’s too young to be expected to write her name consistently. (Kuya was an exception; his language skills lagged behind but his writing skills were far advanced).
After a few weeks of practice, if she still shows no improvement, we might have to do some serious intervention such as writing tutorial (care of a SPED or an OT... maybe at the center in Makati where she and her Kuya used to go for their speech therapy). If it still doesn’t work… and I hope we wouldn’t reach that point, we might have to get a professional help/evaluation.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Kids Speak
Our 4-year-old: Mommy, (looking intently at my ear) I think maybe you should not let your friends see your ear.
Me: Why?
Our 4-year-old: Cause maybe they will think it’s dirty but it’s not dirty… it’s sugat.
Few days ago, over dinner...
Our 5-year-old: Daddy, your van is making the air dirty because it’s old. Maybe we should buy a new one.
Me: Why?
Our 4-year-old: Cause maybe they will think it’s dirty but it’s not dirty… it’s sugat.
Few days ago, over dinner...
Our 5-year-old: Daddy, your van is making the air dirty because it’s old. Maybe we should buy a new one.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Back from the hospital...
The yayas have vacuumed our bedroom, wiped weeks-old dust off of several surfaces, and changed the sheets. I made myself a mug of decaf and slowly made my way upstairs. And then, as if a switch has been turned… off I went. In a mad dash, as if overcome by a spirit, I scrambled about - unpacked the suitcase from the hospital, fixed my toiletries, stacked my books.
I did these despite the terrible feeling of wooziness and the ringing in my ears. I rushed about, at times almost tumbling down because of this annoying sense of imbalance and instability. I did not care. Somehow, this business of putting things back where they belong was therapeutic. It was symbolic of the way I hope things are now back to their usual, predictable, boring place. After the seemingly unending, two-week ordeal, I realized - I like boring. I like ordinary. I love peace.
The kids, who excitedly welcomed me with their hugs and kisses, lay quietly in the other room; tucked in for their afternoon nap. One of the yayas is with them, as she should be. The other yaya is downstairs, fixing odds and ends. My Tita is also downstairs, reassuring me, urging me to take my much-needed rest and to just holler in case I needed anything. Mommy is back home in the province. Hubby is in the office, just in time for his meetings.
And I sit here on my favorite spot. My old but ever-reliable desk. With a mug of coffee and my books and study materials beside me. My ears ring, I feel dizzy, yet I find myself looking up to heaven and quietly thanking God for bringing me here.
It feels great to have some semblance of normalcy.
It feels good to be home.
I did these despite the terrible feeling of wooziness and the ringing in my ears. I rushed about, at times almost tumbling down because of this annoying sense of imbalance and instability. I did not care. Somehow, this business of putting things back where they belong was therapeutic. It was symbolic of the way I hope things are now back to their usual, predictable, boring place. After the seemingly unending, two-week ordeal, I realized - I like boring. I like ordinary. I love peace.
The kids, who excitedly welcomed me with their hugs and kisses, lay quietly in the other room; tucked in for their afternoon nap. One of the yayas is with them, as she should be. The other yaya is downstairs, fixing odds and ends. My Tita is also downstairs, reassuring me, urging me to take my much-needed rest and to just holler in case I needed anything. Mommy is back home in the province. Hubby is in the office, just in time for his meetings.
And I sit here on my favorite spot. My old but ever-reliable desk. With a mug of coffee and my books and study materials beside me. My ears ring, I feel dizzy, yet I find myself looking up to heaven and quietly thanking God for bringing me here.
It feels great to have some semblance of normalcy.
It feels good to be home.
Let Me Not Falter
It takes all the courage and faith I can muster to keep myself from giving in to depression. It is so easy to allow myself to become gripped with fear.
This morning, as I lay in my hospital bed feeling dizzy, a colleague calls to ask if I wanted to join in the practice/preparation for the exam on Sunday.
Everybody’s preparing for the exam, I thought. And here I am, stuck in the hospital, stuck with constant tinnitus and vertigo. How can I possibly survive this?
This time, I remind myself to let go and let God. And keep in my mind all the loved ones and friends who so kindly offer prayers for my health and my exam. So, I move on, slowly, painfully… I try to read as much as my concentration will allow. Because of the constant buzzing in my ear, my attention span is as short as a two-year-old’s. I get swayed by the hissing, by the fullness in (and in between) my ears, and the seemingly constant sensation of motion and unsteadiness, much like the feeling one gets on a boat.
Here I go again, whining. Lord, please help me to be gracious about the situation I am in. Let me not falter. Allow this situation to bring out the best in me.
This morning, as I lay in my hospital bed feeling dizzy, a colleague calls to ask if I wanted to join in the practice/preparation for the exam on Sunday.
Everybody’s preparing for the exam, I thought. And here I am, stuck in the hospital, stuck with constant tinnitus and vertigo. How can I possibly survive this?
This time, I remind myself to let go and let God. And keep in my mind all the loved ones and friends who so kindly offer prayers for my health and my exam. So, I move on, slowly, painfully… I try to read as much as my concentration will allow. Because of the constant buzzing in my ear, my attention span is as short as a two-year-old’s. I get swayed by the hissing, by the fullness in (and in between) my ears, and the seemingly constant sensation of motion and unsteadiness, much like the feeling one gets on a boat.
“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way” (James 1:2–4).
Here I go again, whining. Lord, please help me to be gracious about the situation I am in. Let me not falter. Allow this situation to bring out the best in me.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E
Only eight days to go before the big exam and I am here, stuck in a hospital room feeling… terrible.
I still have the tinnitus. Now, not just my ear but my whole head feels fuller than ever. Throbbing. Buti na lang nabawasan na ang sakit sa tenga ko with the pain relievers. But I have vertigo, a huge headache, generalized myalgia, blurring of vision, plus palpitations na mukhang side effects ng Acyclovir infusion.
Gusto ko na lang tiisin kasi I want to get better really soon… Naghahabol ng oras. Ayoko sanang mag-complain but I really, really feel T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E.
Lord, I beg You to have mercy on me. Please pull me out of this pit.
I still have the tinnitus. Now, not just my ear but my whole head feels fuller than ever. Throbbing. Buti na lang nabawasan na ang sakit sa tenga ko with the pain relievers. But I have vertigo, a huge headache, generalized myalgia, blurring of vision, plus palpitations na mukhang side effects ng Acyclovir infusion.
Gusto ko na lang tiisin kasi I want to get better really soon… Naghahabol ng oras. Ayoko sanang mag-complain but I really, really feel T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E.
Lord, I beg You to have mercy on me. Please pull me out of this pit.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Now, it has a name...
So. It looks like it’s Varicella Zoster Oticus. Finally, this ‘condition’ has a name. It’s been getting worse and it relieves me to know that there’s hope for it to resolve. But it worries me that I might not be well enough in time for the exam (just 9 days to go!).
I have been turning in my bed; couldn’t get to sleep. The ringing in my ear; the fullness; the dull, aching pain; and, the sharp pain on the pinna. Plus on and off hyposthesia on the left half of my face. Just resting my left ear on the pillow really hurts, too. Kahit nga rustle lang of air from the electric fan. Grabe.
The pain though provides some comfort because it keeps me from thinking too much. I simply can’t think.
After three hours of tossing and turning, I’ve decided… enough of this! I am going to take charge of the situation. So I got up, got myself some Becky’s brownies and a glass of water and started packing, just in case Dra. decides it’s better for me to receive the anti-viral intravenously. No use adding extra burden on the people here at home. For sure, with the yayas not coming back until Saturday, they will have their hands full.
I thank God for my mom who’s coming over early this morning to help us out with the kids. And for her driver who always makes himself available to Mommy - kahit last-minute. Of course, my Tita… seems like she has to spend her birthday with us and the three kulits. And hubby. Dear, dear hubby. Despite the demands and stress of his work, he always supports me and comforts me in every way possible.
I have been turning in my bed; couldn’t get to sleep. The ringing in my ear; the fullness; the dull, aching pain; and, the sharp pain on the pinna. Plus on and off hyposthesia on the left half of my face. Just resting my left ear on the pillow really hurts, too. Kahit nga rustle lang of air from the electric fan. Grabe.
The pain though provides some comfort because it keeps me from thinking too much. I simply can’t think.
After three hours of tossing and turning, I’ve decided… enough of this! I am going to take charge of the situation. So I got up, got myself some Becky’s brownies and a glass of water and started packing, just in case Dra. decides it’s better for me to receive the anti-viral intravenously. No use adding extra burden on the people here at home. For sure, with the yayas not coming back until Saturday, they will have their hands full.
I thank God for my mom who’s coming over early this morning to help us out with the kids. And for her driver who always makes himself available to Mommy - kahit last-minute. Of course, my Tita… seems like she has to spend her birthday with us and the three kulits. And hubby. Dear, dear hubby. Despite the demands and stress of his work, he always supports me and comforts me in every way possible.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Note to Self
Now I have finally figured out how to post in Manila time (grabe). The only problem: because of the adjustment, the post date and time of all my previous posts also changed! Oh well. My ok-ok self will just have to learn to let this go.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Pruning
We survived the day! ☺
Today… the past several days, actually… I underwent some much-needed pruning. (Yesterday, both of our yayas left for the province). These were days filled with many discoveries about myself, my family and kids, and my God.
No yayas. No cable TV (I just feel awful that I missed today’s very historic event - Tita Cory’s funeral… why did the cable service have to break down today of all days?). But we made it. I am not going to pretend that I breezed through it. But it is not as bad as I expected, as most things turn out.
I realized I kinda enjoy taking care of the kids’ needs. Cooking, feeding them, bathing them, getting their snacks ready, giving them their medications (isang damukal pa sa ngayon… eto medyo tough one kay bunxo). I always wondered what it must be like living abroad with no nanny. Parang imposible. Pero ngayon, I realize, kaya pala! One just needs some considerable amount of organization, planning, strategy, and maraming-maraming patience. I admit, I have been doing this only for the past 2 days so I cannot speak for the millions of women (or men) who do this on a daily basis. As in. Pero hindi imposible. If one were to do this day in, day out, there really has to be some provision, a set schedule, for some rest and alone-time. Kundi masisiraan ka ng bait.
It really helped that Tita A came at mid-morning. Though I did most of the chores during the day, she was there to attend to some of the kids’ tiny (and often, unreasonable) whims. That allowed me to stay sane and happy. Plus, her presence allowed me and hubby to take an afternoon nap; he came from the office for a meeting that lasted the whole morning and grabbed half an hour of sleep before another meeting (over the net, here at home). I also got a much-needed nap of a couple of hours. It allowed me to have the energy to run after the Little One during supper and for meds, and to wash the kids up… plus a million other things. Si Tita A din nag-mop ng floors bago s’ya maligo at mag-rest. Di siguro makatiis kasi nanlalagkit na sahig.
It still amazes me. While the 2 kids, hubby and Tita A went to Quirino Avenue to take a look at Cory’s funeral procession, I stayed behind with the Little One (who was taking a long nap). I thought I’d use some quiet time to study, read a few pages. But I got up and swept the floors. Grabe ipinawis ko. It felt really good. Sarap pawisan, lalo naramdam kong nagsisimula na ang pagtaba ko at bloatedness dahil sa steroids. When they came back, Ate said, "Mommy, I saw Daddy's friend, Tita Cory. She's dead". Kuya was not in a very good mood. I told him they were going to McDonald's to get fries - the only tactic I could think off to quickly pull him off the Little Einsteins DVD. I didn't want the kids to miss out on this piece of historic event. Hmmm, not a good tactic - lying to the kids (note to self).
After everybody had an afternoon snack of bread and pancit canton, Tita A and I fixed the kids’ beds, changed sheets. She swept the floor and I threw out their disgustingly dirty towels (ay, caramba! Ang mga yaya!) and replaced them with fresh ones. Supper was quite a challenge as usual. Hubby took care of feeding Kuya (who was a bit difficult today), Tita A fed Ate (she’s been very behaved… the best sa pag-inom ng gamot), and I of the Little One. Feeding the Little One involves a lot of cajoling, and chasing under the table… napapagtarayan ko na nga. But this is the first time ever that I felt, somehow… in control of the situation. I mean yung sa mga bata. Pag andito ang mga yaya, pag nagliligalig na sila, kailangan ko na ibigay sa kanila kasi either I am too tired or too lazy to deal with them or I really don’t know how else to handle them. Pero ngayon, I am beginning to take hold of the reins.
Si Little One, I’ve discovered, una-unahan lang pala. Kailangan at the first sight, first few minutes of a tantrum, medyo tataasan na ng boses and you have to remind her who the boss is around here. Once past that ‘critical’ phase, hay naku, there’s no more turning back. Her tantrum snowballs into one, big… basta. Matatabunan ka na lang. Medyo kamay na bakal dapat ang dating.
Kuya needs to be treated differently. Pag pinagalitan s’ya, basta any sign na displeased ka sa kanya, bad trip na s’ya at lalong nagmi-misbehave. Away kami ng away today ‘cause I refused to let him get away with things like deliberately pouring water on the table or playing with his cup during the meal. Iba s’ya. Dapat reverse psychology, inaamo-amo ng konti.
Si Ate, kailangan lang ng positive reinforcement. A lot of it. She behaves really well but needs to be trusted and to be praised. Yun lang pag meron s’yang demand, you have to learn how to negotiate. Buti nga mas nakakausap na s’ya ngayon. She is a very strong person, makusa, go-getter. Nakakatuwa. Kailangan lang tutukan pa.
Oh my, ako ba ito? Just a month ago, I saw on TV si Maricel Laxa-Pangilinan saying how her kids are very different. Kaya iba-iba daw ang approach. Pag nakakarinig ako ng ganun, I tend to be cynical… may konting resistance, as in… hay naku, eto na naman ang mga super moms na ito. Naiinis ako siguro kasi it reminds me of my weaknesses and shortcomings when it comes to motherhood… of how much more there is I need to learn. Ngayon, maski papaano at gaano kaliit, may nasasabi na din ako.☺
Saw the two kids’ schoolbags which have been left lying around for several days. It shocked me to find how terribly dirty those bags were. Naawa ako bigla sa mga bata. At napahiya ako sa sarili ko. Bigla ko naisip na nung bata ako napaka-suwerte ko at asikasong-asikaso ako ni Mommy. Naisip ko rin, ano kaya ang iniisip ng mga teachers nila, nakakahiya. Yung bag ni Kuya ang kalat-kalat ng loob at meron pang naiwan na pagkain. Ilang ulit na bilin ko na sa yaya to make sure walang food left in the bag every day. Wala pa rin. Yung kay Ate, susme, nanlalagkit na ang loob, pati raincoat nya kasi meron naiwan na natunaw na candy at meron pang cupcake na may kagat na ng daga. Grabe talaga. Pinaglalabhan ko nga.
As I scrubbed the bags, I felt a bit angry at the yayas for not taking care of these things. Naiinis ako at sabi ko kay Tita A, kalian kaya ako makakahanap ng mga yaya na efficient na hindi na kailangang pauli-ulit turuan. Pero I realized din naman na hindi ko talaga magagawa ang mga iba pang bagay na kailangang gawin (specifically, pagdo-doktor) na walanag tulong nila. At di ko naman matatawaran ang kanilang pagmamahal at concern sa mga bata. Trustworthy sila, di kagaya nung isang umalis nung May.., hay naku.
Biglang sabi ni Tita A na ang sinasabi daw lagi ni Daddy dati pag meron nagrereklamo tungkol sa maid, “Kaya nga katulong e, tutulong lang sila sa’yo. Magiging katulong ba naman ‘yan kung mas madami pang alam?” It struck me. (Two years after his death, meron pa rin ako natututunan kay Daddy). So as I rinsed the bags, I made a resolve to be more hands-on even with the little things. Kahit na nasabihan na ng ilang ulit ang mga yaya, kailngan nache-check. Nire-remind. Kino-correct. Ang mali ko ay yung I become too lazy to correct them kasi sa isip ko parati, baka umalis pa ay lalo akong mahirapan.
Medyo nakaka-miss lang si hubby kasi parating busy sa kusina ang isa sa amin or plakda/tulog habang may ginagawa ang isa. Di ko man lang nalalambing. Buti na lang mabait ang asawa ko at matulungin dito sa bahay. Salamat sa Diyos.
Hay. Kung puede lang na mag stay-at-home na lang ako. Okay lang sa akin. Pero di naman puede. Kanina, I was surprised to find hubby reading my book “Simplify Your Work Life”. He liked the idea of a 32-hour work week and I can sense him wishing his job were a bit more like that (his current, new role is quite demanding). Sabi ko sa kanya, ilang taon na sa akin ang libro na yan, gusting-gusto ko pero sayang kasi di ko naman ma-apply sa akin (after having spent years as a trainee working incredibly long hours). He said, sa'yo nga yan bagay kasi doktor ka. Kaya mong hawakan ang oras mo. I realized, oo nga. I have a choice! I can manage my time wisely. It doesn’t mean magpapaka-slacker ako sa pagdo-doktor pero at least yung maging reasonable ang clinic hours ko. Actually, I intend not to hold clinic on Saturdays, para sa pamilya naman. Masayang-masaya ako to hear it straight from hubby. I hope God would teach me/show me how to do it. After all, this is life. My family is my life. Sabi nga dun sa isang nabasa ko, “Life is not a dress rehearsal”. We cannot always be preparing for something that is to come. This is life!
Back to my health concerns… malakas pa din ang tinnitus ko. Extra loud sya today. Mabuti na lang at busy kaya tuloy hindi ko na lang napapansin minsan. Mawawala pa kaya ito? I just put my trust in God with regards to my exam and my health. Hinihiling ko pa rin na ipasa N’ya ako at alisin ang ingay sa tenga ko. Pero ayoko na masyadong ma-stress kasi hindi naman makakatulong at lalo lang akong nagiging miserable.
Ayoko lang ngayon etong lagi akong parang meron after taste in my mouth. Siguro epekto ng flu. At dahil din siguro sa dami ng gamot na iniinom ko. Parang mapait parati. Meron na din ako sipon (yellow, how apt). Which makes my ears feel even weirder kasi may tinnitus na sa kaliwa, meron pang aural fullness (dati pa), at nadagdagan pa ng iba pang klaseng fullness dahil sa sipon.
And I really, really miss coffee at maaalat na tsitsirya. Sorry, Lord ha, makulit ako. Unti-unting inaalis ni Lord yung mga gawain kong hindi healthy kasi alam N’ya na makakasama sa akin in the future. Hindi madali… para akong halaman na pinu-prune pakonti-konti. Inaalis ang mga patay na dahon o mga sangang wala sa tamang posisyon. Hindi talaga madali. But I just have to trust my Gardener na He knows what’s best for me. Para gumanda pa ang tubo ko, tuluyang yumabong, at tumibay ang ugat.
Today… the past several days, actually… I underwent some much-needed pruning. (Yesterday, both of our yayas left for the province). These were days filled with many discoveries about myself, my family and kids, and my God.
No yayas. No cable TV (I just feel awful that I missed today’s very historic event - Tita Cory’s funeral… why did the cable service have to break down today of all days?). But we made it. I am not going to pretend that I breezed through it. But it is not as bad as I expected, as most things turn out.
I realized I kinda enjoy taking care of the kids’ needs. Cooking, feeding them, bathing them, getting their snacks ready, giving them their medications (isang damukal pa sa ngayon… eto medyo tough one kay bunxo). I always wondered what it must be like living abroad with no nanny. Parang imposible. Pero ngayon, I realize, kaya pala! One just needs some considerable amount of organization, planning, strategy, and maraming-maraming patience. I admit, I have been doing this only for the past 2 days so I cannot speak for the millions of women (or men) who do this on a daily basis. As in. Pero hindi imposible. If one were to do this day in, day out, there really has to be some provision, a set schedule, for some rest and alone-time. Kundi masisiraan ka ng bait.
It really helped that Tita A came at mid-morning. Though I did most of the chores during the day, she was there to attend to some of the kids’ tiny (and often, unreasonable) whims. That allowed me to stay sane and happy. Plus, her presence allowed me and hubby to take an afternoon nap; he came from the office for a meeting that lasted the whole morning and grabbed half an hour of sleep before another meeting (over the net, here at home). I also got a much-needed nap of a couple of hours. It allowed me to have the energy to run after the Little One during supper and for meds, and to wash the kids up… plus a million other things. Si Tita A din nag-mop ng floors bago s’ya maligo at mag-rest. Di siguro makatiis kasi nanlalagkit na sahig.
It still amazes me. While the 2 kids, hubby and Tita A went to Quirino Avenue to take a look at Cory’s funeral procession, I stayed behind with the Little One (who was taking a long nap). I thought I’d use some quiet time to study, read a few pages. But I got up and swept the floors. Grabe ipinawis ko. It felt really good. Sarap pawisan, lalo naramdam kong nagsisimula na ang pagtaba ko at bloatedness dahil sa steroids. When they came back, Ate said, "Mommy, I saw Daddy's friend, Tita Cory. She's dead". Kuya was not in a very good mood. I told him they were going to McDonald's to get fries - the only tactic I could think off to quickly pull him off the Little Einsteins DVD. I didn't want the kids to miss out on this piece of historic event. Hmmm, not a good tactic - lying to the kids (note to self).
After everybody had an afternoon snack of bread and pancit canton, Tita A and I fixed the kids’ beds, changed sheets. She swept the floor and I threw out their disgustingly dirty towels (ay, caramba! Ang mga yaya!) and replaced them with fresh ones. Supper was quite a challenge as usual. Hubby took care of feeding Kuya (who was a bit difficult today), Tita A fed Ate (she’s been very behaved… the best sa pag-inom ng gamot), and I of the Little One. Feeding the Little One involves a lot of cajoling, and chasing under the table… napapagtarayan ko na nga. But this is the first time ever that I felt, somehow… in control of the situation. I mean yung sa mga bata. Pag andito ang mga yaya, pag nagliligalig na sila, kailangan ko na ibigay sa kanila kasi either I am too tired or too lazy to deal with them or I really don’t know how else to handle them. Pero ngayon, I am beginning to take hold of the reins.
Si Little One, I’ve discovered, una-unahan lang pala. Kailangan at the first sight, first few minutes of a tantrum, medyo tataasan na ng boses and you have to remind her who the boss is around here. Once past that ‘critical’ phase, hay naku, there’s no more turning back. Her tantrum snowballs into one, big… basta. Matatabunan ka na lang. Medyo kamay na bakal dapat ang dating.
Kuya needs to be treated differently. Pag pinagalitan s’ya, basta any sign na displeased ka sa kanya, bad trip na s’ya at lalong nagmi-misbehave. Away kami ng away today ‘cause I refused to let him get away with things like deliberately pouring water on the table or playing with his cup during the meal. Iba s’ya. Dapat reverse psychology, inaamo-amo ng konti.
Si Ate, kailangan lang ng positive reinforcement. A lot of it. She behaves really well but needs to be trusted and to be praised. Yun lang pag meron s’yang demand, you have to learn how to negotiate. Buti nga mas nakakausap na s’ya ngayon. She is a very strong person, makusa, go-getter. Nakakatuwa. Kailangan lang tutukan pa.
Oh my, ako ba ito? Just a month ago, I saw on TV si Maricel Laxa-Pangilinan saying how her kids are very different. Kaya iba-iba daw ang approach. Pag nakakarinig ako ng ganun, I tend to be cynical… may konting resistance, as in… hay naku, eto na naman ang mga super moms na ito. Naiinis ako siguro kasi it reminds me of my weaknesses and shortcomings when it comes to motherhood… of how much more there is I need to learn. Ngayon, maski papaano at gaano kaliit, may nasasabi na din ako.☺
Saw the two kids’ schoolbags which have been left lying around for several days. It shocked me to find how terribly dirty those bags were. Naawa ako bigla sa mga bata. At napahiya ako sa sarili ko. Bigla ko naisip na nung bata ako napaka-suwerte ko at asikasong-asikaso ako ni Mommy. Naisip ko rin, ano kaya ang iniisip ng mga teachers nila, nakakahiya. Yung bag ni Kuya ang kalat-kalat ng loob at meron pang naiwan na pagkain. Ilang ulit na bilin ko na sa yaya to make sure walang food left in the bag every day. Wala pa rin. Yung kay Ate, susme, nanlalagkit na ang loob, pati raincoat nya kasi meron naiwan na natunaw na candy at meron pang cupcake na may kagat na ng daga. Grabe talaga. Pinaglalabhan ko nga.
As I scrubbed the bags, I felt a bit angry at the yayas for not taking care of these things. Naiinis ako at sabi ko kay Tita A, kalian kaya ako makakahanap ng mga yaya na efficient na hindi na kailangang pauli-ulit turuan. Pero I realized din naman na hindi ko talaga magagawa ang mga iba pang bagay na kailangang gawin (specifically, pagdo-doktor) na walanag tulong nila. At di ko naman matatawaran ang kanilang pagmamahal at concern sa mga bata. Trustworthy sila, di kagaya nung isang umalis nung May.., hay naku.
Biglang sabi ni Tita A na ang sinasabi daw lagi ni Daddy dati pag meron nagrereklamo tungkol sa maid, “Kaya nga katulong e, tutulong lang sila sa’yo. Magiging katulong ba naman ‘yan kung mas madami pang alam?” It struck me. (Two years after his death, meron pa rin ako natututunan kay Daddy). So as I rinsed the bags, I made a resolve to be more hands-on even with the little things. Kahit na nasabihan na ng ilang ulit ang mga yaya, kailngan nache-check. Nire-remind. Kino-correct. Ang mali ko ay yung I become too lazy to correct them kasi sa isip ko parati, baka umalis pa ay lalo akong mahirapan.
Medyo nakaka-miss lang si hubby kasi parating busy sa kusina ang isa sa amin or plakda/tulog habang may ginagawa ang isa. Di ko man lang nalalambing. Buti na lang mabait ang asawa ko at matulungin dito sa bahay. Salamat sa Diyos.
Hay. Kung puede lang na mag stay-at-home na lang ako. Okay lang sa akin. Pero di naman puede. Kanina, I was surprised to find hubby reading my book “Simplify Your Work Life”. He liked the idea of a 32-hour work week and I can sense him wishing his job were a bit more like that (his current, new role is quite demanding). Sabi ko sa kanya, ilang taon na sa akin ang libro na yan, gusting-gusto ko pero sayang kasi di ko naman ma-apply sa akin (after having spent years as a trainee working incredibly long hours). He said, sa'yo nga yan bagay kasi doktor ka. Kaya mong hawakan ang oras mo. I realized, oo nga. I have a choice! I can manage my time wisely. It doesn’t mean magpapaka-slacker ako sa pagdo-doktor pero at least yung maging reasonable ang clinic hours ko. Actually, I intend not to hold clinic on Saturdays, para sa pamilya naman. Masayang-masaya ako to hear it straight from hubby. I hope God would teach me/show me how to do it. After all, this is life. My family is my life. Sabi nga dun sa isang nabasa ko, “Life is not a dress rehearsal”. We cannot always be preparing for something that is to come. This is life!
Back to my health concerns… malakas pa din ang tinnitus ko. Extra loud sya today. Mabuti na lang at busy kaya tuloy hindi ko na lang napapansin minsan. Mawawala pa kaya ito? I just put my trust in God with regards to my exam and my health. Hinihiling ko pa rin na ipasa N’ya ako at alisin ang ingay sa tenga ko. Pero ayoko na masyadong ma-stress kasi hindi naman makakatulong at lalo lang akong nagiging miserable.
Ayoko lang ngayon etong lagi akong parang meron after taste in my mouth. Siguro epekto ng flu. At dahil din siguro sa dami ng gamot na iniinom ko. Parang mapait parati. Meron na din ako sipon (yellow, how apt). Which makes my ears feel even weirder kasi may tinnitus na sa kaliwa, meron pang aural fullness (dati pa), at nadagdagan pa ng iba pang klaseng fullness dahil sa sipon.
And I really, really miss coffee at maaalat na tsitsirya. Sorry, Lord ha, makulit ako. Unti-unting inaalis ni Lord yung mga gawain kong hindi healthy kasi alam N’ya na makakasama sa akin in the future. Hindi madali… para akong halaman na pinu-prune pakonti-konti. Inaalis ang mga patay na dahon o mga sangang wala sa tamang posisyon. Hindi talaga madali. But I just have to trust my Gardener na He knows what’s best for me. Para gumanda pa ang tubo ko, tuluyang yumabong, at tumibay ang ugat.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
It's not too bad
The day is turning out to be not too bad.
Cooked tinola for lunch. I forgot to take out the innards and to chop the thighs into halves and it came out a little bland (which was good for me and my low-salt diet) and too greasy. But the kids loved it… they were profuse with thanks, so dahil sa kanila… panalo! Hay, sarap.
The three kids and I and the nanny all ate at the table (the other nanny went home this morning to the province); we took turns feeding the girls when they started to play with their food. The little one was quite a handful towards the end, especially when it was time for their cough medications but we survived. I took care of cleaning up the kitchen and washing the dishes while the she cleaned them up and brushed their teeth.
** As I type this, our nanny knocked on the door to tell me that the Kuya’s nose is bleeding profusely. Found him sitting up on the bed, holding a bloody old shirt up to his nose. It was coming out of his right nostril. We applied ice and put pressure on his nasal bridge until the bleeding stopped. He’s been having epistaxis 2 to 3x a year since he was about two and a half years old. It must have been triggered by the inflammation due to the flu. Whew.
Back to after lunch. It was quiet after the kids have been put to bed for their afternoon nap. I filled up my stock of cucumber spa scrub in the bathroom and prepared to take a shower. As I stood in the shower, lathering up, I realized how painfully loud the tinnitus is when everything around me is so quiet. It dawned on me: I will have to start getting used to it with no music nor TV in the background to try to mask it. I might have to take the exam with tinnitus and have to start getting used to the noise as I read and think and concentrate.
Cooked tinola for lunch. I forgot to take out the innards and to chop the thighs into halves and it came out a little bland (which was good for me and my low-salt diet) and too greasy. But the kids loved it… they were profuse with thanks, so dahil sa kanila… panalo! Hay, sarap.
The three kids and I and the nanny all ate at the table (the other nanny went home this morning to the province); we took turns feeding the girls when they started to play with their food. The little one was quite a handful towards the end, especially when it was time for their cough medications but we survived. I took care of cleaning up the kitchen and washing the dishes while the she cleaned them up and brushed their teeth.
** As I type this, our nanny knocked on the door to tell me that the Kuya’s nose is bleeding profusely. Found him sitting up on the bed, holding a bloody old shirt up to his nose. It was coming out of his right nostril. We applied ice and put pressure on his nasal bridge until the bleeding stopped. He’s been having epistaxis 2 to 3x a year since he was about two and a half years old. It must have been triggered by the inflammation due to the flu. Whew.
Back to after lunch. It was quiet after the kids have been put to bed for their afternoon nap. I filled up my stock of cucumber spa scrub in the bathroom and prepared to take a shower. As I stood in the shower, lathering up, I realized how painfully loud the tinnitus is when everything around me is so quiet. It dawned on me: I will have to start getting used to it with no music nor TV in the background to try to mask it. I might have to take the exam with tinnitus and have to start getting used to the noise as I read and think and concentrate.
It's a beatiful morning!
I took a nap from midnight to 3 AM, and then stayed up until 6:30 AM to read and study some, to surf the net, and be with the little boy - meds, spongebath, plenty of water, some biscuits, and gave in to every whim. He wanted his pillow turned every so often as he said they become too hot for his head, and requested for the fan, then the aircon, then the fan again… he asked for his blanket to wrapped around his feet, etc. I then gargled warm saline as I have begun sneezing and my throat felt sore and, then went back to bed and heard the rain pouring hard as I slept.
At 9 AM, the sun came out as I ate my breakfast and took my medications. The two girls have finished their breakfast and were up and bright, sharing a pack of Super Thins while watching Nick Jr. The little boy was able to eat and keep down his breakfast, and has agreed to wash up. Hubby was downstairs working on his computer, contemplating whether he should go to the office to get some important files or not, while we delegated cooking assignments. I have been tasked to cook tinola for lunch and he volunteered to take charge of supper. The tinnitus still keeps me company but I have gotten quite accustomed to it; it becomes more tolerable when I am relaxed.
Thank You, Lord. Now I am off to study. Have to read as much as I can before the viral infection manifests all out. Paspaaaas! ☺
At 9 AM, the sun came out as I ate my breakfast and took my medications. The two girls have finished their breakfast and were up and bright, sharing a pack of Super Thins while watching Nick Jr. The little boy was able to eat and keep down his breakfast, and has agreed to wash up. Hubby was downstairs working on his computer, contemplating whether he should go to the office to get some important files or not, while we delegated cooking assignments. I have been tasked to cook tinola for lunch and he volunteered to take charge of supper. The tinnitus still keeps me company but I have gotten quite accustomed to it; it becomes more tolerable when I am relaxed.
Thank You, Lord. Now I am off to study. Have to read as much as I can before the viral infection manifests all out. Paspaaaas! ☺
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Under Attack
Things have been quite crazy around here with hubby and the kids getting sick. Now, I finally get some quiet time as the whole household takes the afternoon nap. Quiet time, yes. Peace? I am not sure. When everything is quiet, it seems like the perfect time for me to finally concentrate and read and prepare for my upcoming exam. But it is during these silent times that this tinnitus in my left ear is at its loudest and highest frequency (pitch). Bearable but distressing. Now there is no one to keep me company but the hum of the fan and the hissing in my ear, I feel scared, threatened and bogged down by worry.
The little one fell ill this morning. Her lips were dry and hubby and I took turns giving her her sponge bath. It calmed her and put her to sleep. Thankfully, her fever subsided and she was able to eat her lunch and play a little afterwards. I can see that hubby was feeling quite distraught; I can sense, though he would never say so, some guilt on his part for having passed on the virus to the kids (he went on a trip to some other parts of Southeast Asia about a week ago. But of course, there is no one to blame here.
Also this morning, the sister of one of our nannies called to say that their mother has become very ill again. The mother was losing her sight and was unable to eat and get up from her bed. I had no hesitation about letting her go home if she wants to. But I was quite anxious about being left here with a sick household and an exam that is hurling itself towards me. This is the little one’s favorite nanny and when she’s sick she tends to be extra clingy, as all kids do. I may have to call up my trusty aunt again to ask for her help. I will have to do the cooking but that’s alright as long as I get an extra pair of hands to take charge of the kids.
Again, I was up and about until dawn because the tinnitus plus the steroids kept sleep at bay. As I was beginning to feel my lids getting heavy at past 3, I turned off the study lamp and placed the remote control on the desk. That’s when I felt that my study desk was dripping wet! It was raining hard but that was the first time my desk has ever gotten wet. Hubby and I were puzzled and couldn’t figure out where the water came from. I felt helpless and frustrated as I picked up my books and notes, especially my treasured hipster PDA. No, not “hi-tech”… it is actually nothing but a bunch of 3 x 5 index cards held together by a carabiner. But it held some of my important notes… it took a considerable amount of time and effort just to make notes that I needed to memorize for the exam. It also contained my time table - a list of must-reads for the remaining 2 weeks. Admittedly, I have become so obsessive-compulsive about these index cards of mine. They helped to keep me sane. And they were soaked. So there I was, scrambling about at the crack of dawn, oh-so carefully peeling off each card, one at a time. I was so distressed because some of my notes were written in pencil. I laid them one by one on a cardboard folder on top of the TV, making sure that they were still arranged in order. I opened my drawer and began to get my blank cards, and began to replace the ones that were too wet to save. I can see that hubby thought it strange to watch me sitting on the bed in the dead of night, working on a fresh batch of index cards using my single-hole puncher (“wow, meron ka pala n‘yan?”). It must have taken him some effort to keep from shaking his head at me and teasing me about my freakishness. And I appreciate that. Thankfully, the cards, aside from being a bit wrinkly, were salvageable. I was spared of the time it would have required for me to rewrite everything. You know I would (wink).
I got a little carried away with that story about the index cards. Anyway, it somehow felt like I was under attack. Even the other nanny said to me, as we were cracking the crabs and gathering the meat for lunch, “Ang sama po ng ating weekend ngayon, Ate.” But I refuse to be dragged down into the pits by these “little” inconveniences. As long as the kids get well soon, and hubby recovers his energy, I would be alright. Getting rid of this tinnitus would be a definite big help.
Lord, please help me. Konti na lang po at makakaraos na ako sa exam na ito. Wag N’yo po akong hayaang ma-challenge ng sobra-sobra kasi baka hindi ko kayanin. Alam ko You have the best plan laid out for me. Come to my rescue!
The little one fell ill this morning. Her lips were dry and hubby and I took turns giving her her sponge bath. It calmed her and put her to sleep. Thankfully, her fever subsided and she was able to eat her lunch and play a little afterwards. I can see that hubby was feeling quite distraught; I can sense, though he would never say so, some guilt on his part for having passed on the virus to the kids (he went on a trip to some other parts of Southeast Asia about a week ago. But of course, there is no one to blame here.
Also this morning, the sister of one of our nannies called to say that their mother has become very ill again. The mother was losing her sight and was unable to eat and get up from her bed. I had no hesitation about letting her go home if she wants to. But I was quite anxious about being left here with a sick household and an exam that is hurling itself towards me. This is the little one’s favorite nanny and when she’s sick she tends to be extra clingy, as all kids do. I may have to call up my trusty aunt again to ask for her help. I will have to do the cooking but that’s alright as long as I get an extra pair of hands to take charge of the kids.
Again, I was up and about until dawn because the tinnitus plus the steroids kept sleep at bay. As I was beginning to feel my lids getting heavy at past 3, I turned off the study lamp and placed the remote control on the desk. That’s when I felt that my study desk was dripping wet! It was raining hard but that was the first time my desk has ever gotten wet. Hubby and I were puzzled and couldn’t figure out where the water came from. I felt helpless and frustrated as I picked up my books and notes, especially my treasured hipster PDA. No, not “hi-tech”… it is actually nothing but a bunch of 3 x 5 index cards held together by a carabiner. But it held some of my important notes… it took a considerable amount of time and effort just to make notes that I needed to memorize for the exam. It also contained my time table - a list of must-reads for the remaining 2 weeks. Admittedly, I have become so obsessive-compulsive about these index cards of mine. They helped to keep me sane. And they were soaked. So there I was, scrambling about at the crack of dawn, oh-so carefully peeling off each card, one at a time. I was so distressed because some of my notes were written in pencil. I laid them one by one on a cardboard folder on top of the TV, making sure that they were still arranged in order. I opened my drawer and began to get my blank cards, and began to replace the ones that were too wet to save. I can see that hubby thought it strange to watch me sitting on the bed in the dead of night, working on a fresh batch of index cards using my single-hole puncher (“wow, meron ka pala n‘yan?”). It must have taken him some effort to keep from shaking his head at me and teasing me about my freakishness. And I appreciate that. Thankfully, the cards, aside from being a bit wrinkly, were salvageable. I was spared of the time it would have required for me to rewrite everything. You know I would (wink).
I got a little carried away with that story about the index cards. Anyway, it somehow felt like I was under attack. Even the other nanny said to me, as we were cracking the crabs and gathering the meat for lunch, “Ang sama po ng ating weekend ngayon, Ate.” But I refuse to be dragged down into the pits by these “little” inconveniences. As long as the kids get well soon, and hubby recovers his energy, I would be alright. Getting rid of this tinnitus would be a definite big help.
Lord, please help me. Konti na lang po at makakaraos na ako sa exam na ito. Wag N’yo po akong hayaang ma-challenge ng sobra-sobra kasi baka hindi ko kayanin. Alam ko You have the best plan laid out for me. Come to my rescue!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Letting go and Letting God
As I ponder on the events of the past couple of days, I feel that God has been very active (as usual). He has begun to strip me of my little and big concerns, gently pushing me outside of my comfort zone, while teaching me a few important lessons:
· I have been concerned these past weeks about my weight gain, especially since I noted I was beginning to have “double-chin” on my pictures. The appearance of what appeared to be tell-tale signs of crow’s feet really concerned me, too. I started to apply nightly eye cream to my daily regimen, in addition to the moisturizer and the sunscreen plus the cucumber spa salt…Vanity, vanity. Now because of a minor, albeit disconcerting, medical concern, I need to take steroids, so increased appetite, weight gain, and water retention are inevitable effects that I just have to accept.
· Coffee has been a very important part of my daily routine and I have been taking as much as 3 tall mugs a day. Never mind if I tried my best to opt for decaffeinated 2 out of 3 mugs. It was a staple I was beginning to find hard to live without, and for now I have to let this go (per doctors’ advise).
· When I stayed in the library for 8 hours last Tuesday (with only a 30-minute break in between, really) I was very happy and frankly, a bit proud of my efforts. I wrote down on my index cards the rest of my battle plan, that is, the rest of my time table, and scheduled readings in detail. Now, I surrender to God and accept my circumstances.
· My laptop hinges finally gave up yesterday. Thankfully, the computer itself remains functional. But I do need to prop up the screen against books or pillows because the hinges do not hold up anymore. For months I have been “hinting” to God that I really needed a new laptop but somehow, I can sense that He is asking me to be patient, to wait some more. Now I refuse to worry . I just thank God for every day that the laptop is able to run and do the things I need it to do.
· I have been so looking forward to spending the weekend with my family in the province, especially since this would be my one-month-old nephew's official homecoming. I was so heart-broken when I realized yesterday that we’re better off home because almost everyone in the family has been feeling ill. Frustrated, I began to look for ways and reasons to blame hubby; it made mo so unhappy and so angry just thinking about it. I knew in my heart that this is nobody’s fault. So I am taught, again, to let go of my anger and frustration.
· Despite stress and pressure and health concerns, I find myself devoting less time for prayer and being less faithful to my Daily Scriptures. I have been running on my own power, like pushing a car while the key remained in my pocket. No wonder I get so tired.
With the exam being only 16 days away, God’s message to me seems to be very clear. He is teaching me to let go and just let Him do His work, His plan, His job. He is pointing out my stubbornness and demanding that I lift my burdens off my shoulder and just lay them on His feet. It reminds me of this passage from Jeremiah 29:11-12: ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for well-being and not for trouble, to give you a future and a hope. Then You will come upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.
· I have been concerned these past weeks about my weight gain, especially since I noted I was beginning to have “double-chin” on my pictures. The appearance of what appeared to be tell-tale signs of crow’s feet really concerned me, too. I started to apply nightly eye cream to my daily regimen, in addition to the moisturizer and the sunscreen plus the cucumber spa salt…Vanity, vanity. Now because of a minor, albeit disconcerting, medical concern, I need to take steroids, so increased appetite, weight gain, and water retention are inevitable effects that I just have to accept.
· Coffee has been a very important part of my daily routine and I have been taking as much as 3 tall mugs a day. Never mind if I tried my best to opt for decaffeinated 2 out of 3 mugs. It was a staple I was beginning to find hard to live without, and for now I have to let this go (per doctors’ advise).
· When I stayed in the library for 8 hours last Tuesday (with only a 30-minute break in between, really) I was very happy and frankly, a bit proud of my efforts. I wrote down on my index cards the rest of my battle plan, that is, the rest of my time table, and scheduled readings in detail. Now, I surrender to God and accept my circumstances.
· My laptop hinges finally gave up yesterday. Thankfully, the computer itself remains functional. But I do need to prop up the screen against books or pillows because the hinges do not hold up anymore. For months I have been “hinting” to God that I really needed a new laptop but somehow, I can sense that He is asking me to be patient, to wait some more. Now I refuse to worry . I just thank God for every day that the laptop is able to run and do the things I need it to do.
· I have been so looking forward to spending the weekend with my family in the province, especially since this would be my one-month-old nephew's official homecoming. I was so heart-broken when I realized yesterday that we’re better off home because almost everyone in the family has been feeling ill. Frustrated, I began to look for ways and reasons to blame hubby; it made mo so unhappy and so angry just thinking about it. I knew in my heart that this is nobody’s fault. So I am taught, again, to let go of my anger and frustration.
· Despite stress and pressure and health concerns, I find myself devoting less time for prayer and being less faithful to my Daily Scriptures. I have been running on my own power, like pushing a car while the key remained in my pocket. No wonder I get so tired.
With the exam being only 16 days away, God’s message to me seems to be very clear. He is teaching me to let go and just let Him do His work, His plan, His job. He is pointing out my stubbornness and demanding that I lift my burdens off my shoulder and just lay them on His feet. It reminds me of this passage from Jeremiah 29:11-12: ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for well-being and not for trouble, to give you a future and a hope. Then You will come upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)