For instance, I do not like how I get swayed so easily.
Yesterday, despite all the errands (groceries, things that I needed to buy for the kids, birthday present for hubby, etc), I was bent on going to St. Jude afterwards for our Thursday novena. I find myself at a fork in the road and am badly in need of guidance and help. Before I knew it, hubby and I found ourselves in the midst of a shopping frenzy. It was the start of a huge, 3-day, mall-wide sale and we were pleased to find a leather belt and a nice polo for him at great discounts. Initially, we decided to go to mass at a nearby chapel instead; later on, we thought maybe we’d just drop by and pay our Lord a visit. We ended up doing no one of these. Lesson: I should really do the more important things before anything else. As productivity gurus would say – move the big rocks first.
I also feel a twinge of guilt because I am loving my state of ‘jobless-ness”. I like being home. I like welcoming the kids when they come home from school. I love the way a whole day stretches on before me with no need for an itinerary. I am thrilled at the prospect of being able to pick up one of my books, whichever my heart desired. I feel guilty because I am enjoying this. Too much.
Hubby has been very supportive and tells me to take all the time I need to prepare for my practice. Mom, on the other hand… her anxiety is almost palpable whenever we talk over the phone about my plans (or lack of it). It’s as if she is too scared that I might be taking too much of my precious time, dilly-dallying instead of starting what I have been preparing myself for for years and years. Who can blame her?
I’d like to think that I know myself better. I force my mind to go back to the time when I was pregnant with our youngest and needed to go on bed rest for weeks. It was terrible. I never enjoyed it and I was more than eager to get off my butt and start doing meaningful, useful things with my time. But then again, everybody else wanted me to stay in bed. Though I always get myself in trouble because I try too hard to please everyone, there is also this rebellious streak that takes pleasure in doing the exact opposite of others expect me to.
I take one day at a time and try to refuse to worry. I have written down all the tiny, not necessarily easy, steps that need to get done before I can start my work. I wish I could just go straight to working right away without going through all the paper work and boring tasks that I very much despise. But of course, this is not the case. As a certain wise person said anonymously – All things are difficult before they are easy.
God sent me a gentle reminder today. Saint Paul says,
We all have different gifts that God has given to us by His loving-favor. We are to use them. – Romans 12;6
He did not say we are to use them if it isn’t too difficult or tiring or boring. We are to use them. Period.
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