Dreaming of Daddy

This morning I woke up feeling very, very sad. I dreamt of Daddy and it was long and vivid. For a while I was confused and had to ask myself whether it was real or not.

I was in the ER (not any ER I am familiar with, I just knew it was an ER). I was wearing my long white coat. I’m not sure if I was on duty or working there. When I looked ahead I was so surprised to see Daddy and Mommy. They were sitting about two chairs apart (with other people occupying the seats in between). Though no words were spoken, as I walked towards them, I knew that – first, I haven’t seen them in a long time; second, Daddy is seriously ill because of acute leukemia; third, Mommy and Daddy are currently not in very good terms which explains why they were sitting away from each other.

As I approached Daddy, I saw that he was wearing old clothes: white shirt and old walking shorts and rubber slippers. Mukhang mahirap. Awang-awa ako and I remember thinking to myself (in the dream pa rin ha) that Mommy must have matinding sama pa rin ng loob para pabayaan sya ng ganun. And they looked like charity patients who have been waiting for a long time for the doctor to attend to them.

Daddy was thin, bald, and pale with rapid breathing. I asked him how he felt and though I can’t remember the exact words he said, it occured to me that he was worried and tired. I stood in front of him, bent towards him, touched his shoulders and reassured him that everything will be okay, and that I’ve had plenty of patients with cases like his who eventually got better. While I was doing that I remember vividly what I was thinking to myself – that I need to have his blood test done ASAP and that his dyspnea was probably secondary to hyperleukocytosis, and I was wondering whether leukapheresis would be needed. At that point, it felt more like I was his doctor rather than his daughter.

Then, as if a someone turned on a switch, I became his daughter again. With my left hand on his right shoulder, my other hand took his right hand and I squeezed it firmly as I reassured him that everything will be okay. I bent down and planted a kiss on his right cheek. I don’t remember seeing how he reacted to this.

I then rushed out of the ER into the hospital to look for G (former fellow) because I needed to get her to make admitting orders for Daddy. On the way to the hematology office I passed by some college friends who all looked surprised to see me in such a rush. I waved to them, letting them know that I had to go and will have to talk to them another time.

I found the office and remember feeling a bit irked that the fellows were just sitting around a table, having their meals, laughing and having a good time while my Dad waited in the ER. (Now I know how some of our patients must have felt sometimes). After that I went straight to the Admitting Section and got a room for Daddy. Everything happened in a place that was supposed to be the hospital but did not look like that hospital. And then I woke up. Not knowing what happened next to Dad.

I felt so sad and so sorry for what happened to Daddy. But I also felt relieved that in reality, he was taken by God before he could suffer some more. He had a peaceful and quiet and, I believe, pain-free death. We were there when he left for that much, much better place. We were all able to say goodbye. I am grateful.

And I am thankful that even if it was just a dream, I was able to hold his hand and kiss him.