Oops, I did it again

I flew off the handle. I asked the Little One to please throw this piece of plastic to the trash can just a few meters from her and she scurried away, looked at me and gave me her typical naughty grin as she stashed it behind the TV. Before I knew it, I was walking towards her and giving her two spanks on the butt. Those were NOT gentle spanks.

Where is this rage coming from? Why do I always, always have to struggle with my temper? I believe, deep down, I am a good person. I really and truly believe it. But why do I scare myself sometimes? One of my greatest fears is that one day I would become too angry that I would really, badly hurt my kids and there would be no one around to stop me. I have mentioned this in passing to my best friend but dared not share this with anyone else for fear of being judged and ridiculed.

Last night, I passed by the other kid while he was sleeping soundly and I saw that he had two big mosquito bites on his arm. I stopped what I was doing, got my vaporub, and gingerly applied it to his arm. How can I be both caring and motherly, with such a limitless love for my kids, and then have this angry streak? A range of emotions, all wrapped up in one person?

The Little One just smiled after I spanked her and pushed her out of my room. When I got downstairs after a few minutes to get myself a glass of cold water (actually, to see if she was okay), she came to me in her sweet baby voice and said sorry twice. I ignored her. I had to. Not only because I was proud ‘cause she realized she was wrong but more importantly, because I was too ashamed of myself and of what I have done to look at her in the eye. Inside, I so badly wanted to give her a hug.

Sometimes, I think that I am not made for motherhood. I probably was originally meant to be a spinster. Now, why am I here?

As I write this, I can hear the little one’s happy voice, singing playfully with the nanny downstairs as if none of this has happened. I envy the nanny. I think I am going nuts.

I do not worry about the physical pain I have caused. I do worry about the emotional and psychological wounds that I might have inflicted on my child. Lord, forgive me. Please help me. Come to my aid! I really cannot do this on my own.

Addendum:

What strikes me the most is that, no matter what, the kids are always happy to see me. Always. And they are always sad when I leave the house. I have so much to learn from them. God bless the little ones. Lord, bless me. Mama Mary, teach me.