Loving in spite of

Today is a sad disappointment and a day of rejoicing.

Let me begin with the reason for rejoicing. Hubby got the position and job he wanted. His new boss seemed kind and easy to work with. Our prayers have been answered. It always feels good to get what you want.

This morning, the kids and I woke up early for their assessment and subsequent enrolment in their swimming lessons. At least that was what I was hoping for. I feel that I had prepared them enough, having explained things to them since two days ago. I tried my best to explain things the best and simplest way I can and reassured the boy (because he was more reluctant and the girl was very eager) that if he felt that he didn’t want the lessons yet it was going to be okay.

When we entered the hotel lobby, I had very high hopes as both seemed very impressed and the boy said, “Cool!” They were equally impressed with the pool. But they didn’t want to join in the group. They refused to talk to the teachers and even ran away from them every time they tried. They insisted on wanting to go to the lap pool (which was strictly off limits and very deep) and to the other areas of the pool which were beyond limits. I gave them an hour to feel their way in and adjust themselves to the situation. I figured maybe it was because the other kids were already in the middle of their sessions. So I waited until the earlier kids have left and the two were alone with the teachers. Still they refused to talk. Later on, three smaller kids who were part of the next class came in. My kids watched as the teachers introduced themselves to the new kids and vice versa. The kids who had just arrived sat down as instructed and before I knew it, they were putting their faces into the water, blowing bubbles and practicing breathing techniques. Effortless. In the meantime, I just let the two sit on the edge to let their feet get wet and to watch how cooperative the other kids were.

Later on, the nanny overheard the head teacher saying that the secretary should tell me that the kids are not ready and “sinasayang lang ang oras namin”(they are just wasting our time). It was good that the nanny told about it when we had already gotten home. It was painful to hear.

I felt disappointed that the kids are missing this chance to learn how to swim. I felt even sadder that my kids did not know how to make themselves fit in. I knew it was wrong to feel this way because it is never right to try to make a person fit into somebody else’s box. I love them dearly and love them unconditionally. If they’re not ready, there’s always next summer. But why… why do I feel terribly sad?

When we went home to my Mom’s for a few days of vacation, she said that our kids were brats who insisted on having their way. (She said it more nicely, though). It was a wake-up call and I knew I had to do something about it. That was two weeks ago. I brushed up on my reading… I have numerous books on child-raising, discipline, etc. I prayed hard to God and called on Mama Mary for help. But the more I try to discipline them, the more difficult they become and the harder I fail. These past two weeks I found myself yelling at them on a daily basis.

I guess no amount of book-reading can teach me how to become a mother. I just have to BE one. Every single day. And it’s not easy because I’m not so good at it!

Lord, teach me how to love, love, LOVE my kids. Grant me the patience that I need so badly. Teach me how to teach them. Teach me to appreciate each one of them and cherish the gifts that they have been given. Help me to accept their limitations and to go on loving them in spite of. And this last request is equally important: please teach me, Lord, to accept myself and love myself as well. In Jesus’ name, with the intercession of Mama Mary, I pray. Amen.