Gift of Time

Abridged:

Today I gave my loved ones the gift of time. I have always had no time for the people I hold dear. Missing special occasions, Dad’s chemo/radiotherapy, weddings, family gatherings was routine. I was always on duty, or preparing for an exam, or having my bedrest because of spotting, etc, etc. Now, I don’t have a decent income and therefore have very little treasure to share. But I had the gift of time! I am exhausted, sleep-deprived, and feeling great!

Full length:

Today I gave my loved ones the gift of time. I feel exhausted, sleep-deprived, and very fulfilled and happy!

After a sumptuous dinner of salad, pizza, and pasta last night, I was looking forward to collapsing on bed It had been a long day. Saturday was fun but exhausting, too. (We were finally able to have our first family studio photo taken. An entirely different post needed). That’s when Mom invited me and hubby to hang around my sister’s apartment for some coffee, snacks, and DVD. I told her I had to get up early the next morning ‘cause I promised my best friend that I’ll be by her side in time for my inaanak’s pamidronate infusion. It was painfully scheduled at 7am. Mom said I was used to going on duty anyway; staying up late shouldn’t be a problem. I knew she wanted to be with us so I winked at hubby and we stayed at my sister’s for some wine (at least for the males), popcorn, green mangoes, cashew nuts, and plenty of talking and catching up on each other’s lives. We came home at 12:30 am. I read some, tried to pray the rosary for my inaanak’s treatment (got to finish only part of the 3rd mystery) and finally fell asleep at 2:30am.

This morning, my eyes hurt as I dragged myself out of bed when my phone alarm went off at 6am. It was a mad scramble from the bed, to the shower, to the taxi… picked up breakfast from McDonald’s, and got in the hospital at 6:45. Quite a feat.

I stayed ‘til past lunchtime. Hours before that, Mom and I have been texting each other about our plans for the day. She said she was planning to go to the mall with sister but decided to let her rest her very pregnant tummy and feet. I asked her if she needed company because she mentioned something about needing to buy a dress for an upcoming event. I offered to come with her and I could actually sense the excitement in her text when she said ‘really?’. So I left the hospital at past 1pm, picked up my mom (after eating a late lunch at sis’), then off we went to the mall. We probably walked several kilometers while we chatted away and shopped for baby things, and kitchen things, and lingerie, ‘til we were oh so starved and had to stop to get some burgers.

After the pitstop, off we went again to search for that oh so elusive dress. I felt my tummy grumbling and felt sorry for having eaten too much tamarind and papaya the previous day/s. While Mom shopped, I took several trips to the bathroom, kept quiet, and tried not to faint. (I distracted myself with the family pics I have in my bag). Finally, bro-in-law came and helped mom pick out a laptop. Then hubby came and drove us to sis’. I called the kids when I realized that I never saw them today! We then had supper, and reached home by 9:30. As I sat in the car on the way home, I told hubby I felt tired. He said I looked tired.

I never felt this kind of fulfillment in a long time! I have always had no time for the people I love. Missing special occasions, Dad’s chemo/radiotherapy, weddings, family gatherings was routine. I was always on duty, or preparing for an exam, or having my bedrest because of spotting, etc, etc. Now, I don’t have a decent income and therefore have very little treasure to share. But I had the gift of time! And it felt great. ☺

Dying to one's self

Being a mother and a wife is not that easy. It entails dying to one’s self. It means letting go of some of one’s habits and quirks, the ones that you’ve embraced while growing up (old).

I am a bit obsessive-compulsive about my things. I am not exactly a neat freak like Martha Stewart but I know where my things are. And I know when someone took it and failed to put it back where it belongs. My husband knows this and I realize now what a pain in the neck I can be sometimes when I bug him endlessly about having to put the nailclipper in the third drawer on the left side of our dresser. Not on top of the dresser. Not in the second drawer. It should remain exactly where it is supposed to be. I like knowing where my things are and I know it drives him crazy sometimes. He is the type who, having come home from work, just throws all his keys, wallet, eyeglasses, cellphone at the first most convenient spot then runs around in the morning trying to figure out where his stuff are. I bought him a tiny basket where he can dump in all his things so he knows exactly where to find them. To no avail. (Now that basket holds our numerous chargers – laptop, PDA, phones, etc.)

I have a pencil case that holds my highlighter, a pencil, a very trusty sharpener, and my favorite eraser, among other things. (Mind you, it is hard to find a trusty sharpener). Anyway, I use these daily because I am in the process of reviewing for an upcoming certifying/board exam. My kids - a toddler and two preschoolers - are fascinated by my things. They have dozens of pencils and a few sharpeners and erasers strewn all over the house. But my 4-year-old daughter just loves my plain, blue, old eraser. I tried giving her a bright red pencil with eraser… didn’t want it. I offered her a mickey mouse pencil. She didn’t want it. Finally, I went to the bookstore and bought each of my kids a nice eraser… one that’s extra nice for my four-year-old… it’s glittery and shaped like a pretty butterfly. That didn’t work either.

She just kept on ransacking my pencil case and it drove me crazy every single day.

I have now come to terms with it and said to myself that it’s time to choose my battles and that I am one crazy woman for going nuts over one silly eraser. Now I let her take it whenever she pleases so long as she puts it back where it belongs.

Now, where the heck is my yellow highlighter?

Not a very good day

I am struck at how small things can make me feel discontent and forget about being grateful for all my blessings.

Today is the first day in a week that I do not need to go anywhere. I woke up happily feeling relaxed. Slowly, I regained my momentum and finished going over a few chapters for my review. Short chapters but at least I’m making progress.

While Kuya and Ate were at school, the Little One stayed with me the whole morning. Ours is a love-hate relationship. Away-bati. Para kaming aso’t pusa. Time and again she would stretch my patience to its limits and then transform back into this sweet little girl so I can wallow in guilt while allowing my patience to recoil. This happened several times the whole morning. I felt silly for allowing myself to be pestered, challenged, frustrated and manipulated by a toddler. Hubby did not believe me at first when I told him that our Little One can be quite a handful; he said it’s just a phase that all kids have to go through. But it took him half a day spent with her before he realized that it can really be a tough challenge sometimes.

It also irked me when I got down and saw that our veranda was strewn with clutter. Not kids’ mess, mind you, but the yayas’ mess! Manicure sets, towels, romance pocketbooks, arrgh. Mukha kaming squatter and it’s right in front of our house.

This afternoon, after a very brief cat nap, I relaxed, took a long bath and washed and conditioned my hair. I then rounded up Kuya and Ate to go over their lessons for their last day of exams tomorrow. I do not do this so that they can get high scores. I do it to make them familiar with the upcoming questions because I don’t want them to feel panicky when they see activities that were last done 3 months ago and have long-been forgotten. I believe they are smart and so all I have to do is to boost their confidence by familiarizing them a little so they can better answer their tests.

It bugged me that, as I was reviewing them, the fish kept frying in the kitchen with no one watching over them. It was over low fire, the nanny said, and she was making them crisp. To me it felt like too long a time for the fish to be left unwatched like that. I couldn’t hide my disagreement and said that it may be the reason why we were always eating soggy, tough, fried food. Should I have left these unsaid, I now wonder. Sigh.

And then Ate and the Little One fought loudly over a hairband which was on Little One’s head first but which Ate claimed was a prize she got from her classmate’s party, therefore, rightfully hers. There was much bawling and yelling. Later, Kuya was also yelling and crying his head off because the Little One got his pencil, too. And that was when I realized that my newly-shampooed hair now reeks of fried fish. I grabbed the hairband and went upstairs. Grrr.

So I come up here, typing away in fury. These are very little, very silly things, I know and I let them affect me! Just one day at home and I’m going nuts. This will pass. It shall pass. One day, they will grow up and there will be no more screaming and bawling. I might miss this.

Addendum (after a few hours):

I’ve chatted with hubby on FB, eaten chippy and flat tops, watched The Practice… but this pervasive feeling of sadness and disappointment remains. Why? I feel inadequate as a Mom, I guess. I wake up and read my humongous book while the Little One sits on my bed watching TV the whole morning. That is after tha yayas have given the kids their baths, fed them, and brought Kuya and Ate to school. The two come home from school, the three get fed by their yayas again and then brought to bed to take their afternoon nap. They wake up, get merienda from their yayas (or from me, though seldom) and then they come running through my bedroom door and demand to be allowed to watch their CD of preference. I read my book, they watch. They ask questions, I nod. I give them hugs and kisses occasionally. They fight, I yell. Then it’s time for supper, the yayas feed tham, wash them, put them to bed.

What have I contributed to the growth and welfare of my kids? Nothing.

Oh, I did go over their lessons with them for maybe 15 minutes or so each. Does that count? They don’t even enjoy it.

Minsan, parang wala akong kwentang ina. They don’t deserve me and I do not deserve to have them.

Lord, please help me. I know this is not of Your working. If it is, maybe I really do need to take stock of things and do something about it. Read them a story, feed them, bathe them. Why is it so difficult sometimes? Is it because of my upcoming exam?

I remember being pregnant with the Little One and having then 2-year-old Kuya and 1-year-old Ate with no yaya around. We were at my parents' house and I took care of the two. It wasn’t easy, I must admit. Hours passed by so quickly. Feeling the relief of having bathed them in the morning was the highlight of my day. But I felt good about what I was doing. Tired. But good.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day. Lord, teach me. Help me become a good Mom to my 3 beloved kids. Help me enjoy their youth while we still have it.

Asserting Myself

I really need to learn how to assert myself more. Today I got a cab to get home from Robinson’s. I knew in my heart that the best route to take was the street behind St. Paul’s parallel to Taft and then across Taft via Remedios. I knew this because I have taken this route countless times already.

When the driver was taking the other way, I sensed this urge to let him know that I preferred to pass by my usual, fool-proof route. But I doubted myself and thought that maybe this driver, being the driver, knew better. I thought it may not be wise na magmarunong, isipin pa pakialam ako. (Now, why would I care what the driver thought of me? Did his opinions matter? Would I ever see him again? An entirely different, albeit important topic). I assumed he knew where he was going simply because he didn’t ask for directions.

So there we were stuck in a bad traffic jam and couldn’t turn right to head towards my house because of one-way roads. Why didn’t I speak? It is not always best to remain silent.

Finally got home with 70 pesos less. Had I spoken, I could have reached home with less anxiety and for only 50 pesos, with no need to write about asserting myself. Hay.

For when I am worried or upset

4 Be full of joy always because you belong to the Lord. Again I say, be full of joy!
5 Let all people see how gentle you are. The Lord is coming again soon.
6 Do not worry. Learn to pray about everything. Give thanks to God as you ask Him for what you need.
7 The peace of God is much greater than the human mind can understand. This peace will keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.
- Philippians 4:4-7

Hubby is back home safe and sound. It feels great to have him back. I was not very lonely (being busy with covering for a consultant) when he was away but I felt incomplete. He came just in time for my birthday. And with pasalubong of chocolates and… an MP3 player, sa wakas. It’s a Samsung Digital Audio Player. 1 gig lang pero di ko naman napuno. Very much good-looking, looks like a shiny, purple pebble. Kakatuwa. I’ve filled it up to about ¾ full. Kainis lang nagkakaproblema ako pag-load sa iba kong mga kanta, pirated kasi pinanggalingan, hehe. And I’m still trying to figure out how to work on the playlists. The earphones still need some getting used to, kakapanibago parang nabibingi ako. To think na nakatapos ako ng college hanggang med school na may nakapasak na earphones sa tenga habang nag-aaral. Anyway, it is a really great gift. I feel like going to the the university library everyday para mag-aral. :)

Tomorrow (or later today) the whole family will be driving home to my hometown to visit Mommy and also Daddy. I’m planning to bring both of them flowers, kinda like a thank you kasi birthday ko. 35 years! Imagine that. Ganun na ako katanda pero ba’t ganun pareho pa rin pakiramdam ko sa loob. Parang isip-bata pa rin. With any luck, I may be already half-way through my mission. I have got to let go of my hang-ups and excess baggage… there’s just not enough space and time for these.

I finally have a date for my exam. Whew. Totoo na talaga.

No, not again

No, not again, I tell myself. No more wasted time, wasted thoughts, wasted smiles. I have wasted more than enough days and nights about two decades ago, tossing and turning and replaying every word and every laughter in every conversation, thinking of what if’s and what might have been’s.

No. I am way past quota on this one. Nobody, save for the people that I am with right now and whom I love most and love me the most, deserves that much time, thought and attention. I am where I am because this is where I deserve to be. I am with who I am with because God loves me and knows who and what are best for me.

Get away from me regret and discontent! I embrace my life today and everyday.

Bayaning OFW

Napagpasyahan kong dumaan sandali sa grocery dahil malapit na maubos ang gatas ng mga anak ko. Sa kinalaunan, lumabas akong may bitbit na dalawang bag na puno ng tinapay, chichiria, magazine, tissue, shampoo, at kung anu-ano pang bagay bukod sa sadya ko. Halos isang libo inabot. Grabe, mahal na talaga at mabilis na ngayon ang pera. Tuloy, sinabihan ko ang aming kasambahay sa pamamagitan ng text na sa bahay na ako kakain ng tanghalian para medyo makatipid naman ng konti. Yun ay kahit na natatakam na ako sa chickenjoy sa kalapit ng grocery. Naisip ko, pagtiyagaan ko na ang ulam na giniling na may patatas, tutal yun din ang kakainin ng mga anak ko.

Bitbit ang dalawang plastic bag, sumakay ako sa taxi at tumingin sa labas ng bintana habang sinusuyod namin ang trapik. Sa may malapit-lapit na sa amin, dumaan kami sa isang hilera ng mga recruitment agencies. Doon ko nakita ang napakaraming tao, karamihan mga lalaki, pero meron ding ilang mga kababaihan. Mga nag-aantay sa labas ng opisina, marahil inabutan ng lunch break. May ilang mga mama ang nakasandal sa isang pader at mabilis na kinakain ang mga banana cue nila. Naisip ko tuloy… tanghalian kaya nila yun?

Habang pinagmamasdan ko ang mga tao – merong nakaupo sa sidewalk, meron nakatayo, meron nagpapaypay dala ang kanyang manila envelope, merong nagbibilang ng pera sa pitaka – isang bagay ang sa kanila ay kapansin pansin. Merong lungkot na mababasa sa kanilang mga mukha. Hindi lamang lungkot kundi pagod, pag-aalala, “desperation”. Di ko maisip kung anong salitang Tagalog ang higit na makapagsasalarawan sa kanila.

Naisip ko napakapalad ko pala. Maayos at matibay pa sa ngayon ang kumpanyang pinagtatrabuhan ng aking butihing asawa. Mayroon akong tagapagluto sa bahay at pagdating ko ay mauupo na lamang ako dahil may nakahain na. Salamat at di ko kinakailangang iwanan ang aking pamilya at mangimbayang bayan para lamang mabuhay ng maayos ang aking mga anak.

Sana mabigyan ng pamahalaan ng lunas ang kawalan ng oportunidad sa ating bansa. Kundi sana ninanakaw ng mga pulitiko ang ating kabang-bayan ay mas maginhawa siguro ang katatayuan ng madami sa atin. Pambihira talaga. Wala nang ibang maitulong at magawa kundi ang tawagin silang “bayaning OFW” at bigyan ng prioridad sa pag-check in sa airport. Hanggang doon na lamang.

Shoo, green-eyed monster!

I’m happy to have met up with my friend (my daughter's godmother) twice this week. It was great laughing over old times and having a glimpse of life in the U.S. of A. She showed me pictures of beautiful places and a picture or two of a high school crush of mine (at least the back of his head) and his wife (no kids). They have a big house in California, really nice… 5 bedrooms and 3 nice cars. It really shows that they’ve been doing really well out there. I felt a tinge of… of… envy. Mahirap aminin pero that was how I felt.

Then I saw my friend’s nice laptop. A really nice, sleek, compact, classy Lenovo silver laptop. Ganda. Naka-windows XP kaya ang bilis din tumakbo on 1 gig. So there I was looking at her really nice pictures of really nice places on her really nice laptop and suddenly, I felt it again!
E-N-V-Y. Sorry, Lord. An hour or two later I was at the back of a taxi cab being driven by a reckless person, on the way home to our humble apartment. Suddenly, life didn’t seem that great.

Then I came to the kids’ room and they jumped out from their beds with really big grins and “Mommy!”s looking very pleased to see me. I got nice little hugs and the two girls were very happy with their pasalubong from Ninang. Kuya proudly showed me his “artwork” of scraps of crayons taped to a pad of paper. All of sudden, life was great again!

Then I got downstairs and called my boss to endorse back some of her patients. She thanked me and I felt this big gush of relief in my chest. I then proceeded to open an early birthday present from Tita J (aquamarine blouse) and admired this small potted fortune plant from Tita A. It’s perfect for my study desk. Great for resting tired eyes from the monotony of reading/studying.

I then went upstairs and turned on my laptop to write all these thoughts and I suddenly realized how very blessed I am to have my own personal computer, a laptop that works well and serves me well. It may be cracked on the hinges and too wide and heavy but it is mine, I can use it for work and leisure, the kids and hubby can play games on it, and I paid for it with my sweat and blood. It really felt great.

Lord, thank You for all the wonderful blessings that You keep showering on me. Blessings great and small. Help me to always keep my eyes open to the wonders around me and to be happy for the wonders that friends have as well.

From Psalm 25

Psalm 25:14-21

The secret of the Lord is for those who fear Him. My eyes are always on the Lord. For He will take my feet out of the net. Turn to me and show me Your loving-kindness. For I am alone and in trouble. The troubles of my heart have grown. Bring me out of my suffering. Look upon my troubles and my pain, and forgive all my sins. Look upon those who hate me, for they are many. And how very much they hate me! Keep me safe, Lord, and set me free. Do not let me be put to shame for I put my trust in You. Let what is good and what is right keep me safe, because I wait for You.

Best friend

Today I was able to meet up with my oldest, dearest, and best friend. Finally! We sat around at her home, catching up on each other – about kids, careers, hubbies with some reminiscing thrown in over McDonalds cheeseburgers, fries, and ice cream. Simpleng simple but I found it very therapeutic to touch base with someone who’s known me for so long. Especially since I find it hard to keep intimate friends for so long with so much moving around, I mean, I stay in one country but I move around in these small circles, jumping from one circle to the next with little overlaps… high school, Holy Family Dormitory, College, ICLH, Medicine, Residency, Fellowship… whew.

Will talk more about this at another time. In the meantime, I have to hit the books (book).