Let Me Not Falter

It takes all the courage and faith I can muster to keep myself from giving in to depression. It is so easy to allow myself to become gripped with fear.
This morning, as I lay in my hospital bed feeling dizzy, a colleague calls to ask if I wanted to join in the practice/preparation for the exam on Sunday.

Everybody’s preparing for the exam, I thought. And here I am, stuck in the hospital, stuck with constant tinnitus and vertigo. How can I possibly survive this?

This time, I remind myself to let go and let God. And keep in my mind all the loved ones and friends who so kindly offer prayers for my health and my exam. So, I move on, slowly, painfully… I try to read as much as my concentration will allow. Because of the constant buzzing in my ear, my attention span is as short as a two-year-old’s. I get swayed by the hissing, by the fullness in (and in between) my ears, and the seemingly constant sensation of motion and unsteadiness, much like the feeling one gets on a boat.

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way” (James 1:2–4).

Here I go again, whining. Lord, please help me to be gracious about the situation I am in. Let me not falter. Allow this situation to bring out the best in me.