Precious Gift

Today, while looking at Ate as she was puttering around, barefoot, with her toys and siblings, I couldn’t help but notice how pretty she is. Her face was sweaty and her baby hairs stuck to her forehead. What a precious gift! What precious gifts these children are.

Fields of Gold

You’ll remember me when the west wind moves among the fields of barley. You can tell the sun in his jealous sky as we walked in fields of gold

Sting’s Fields of Gold. Perfect poetry.

Why, why, why

Some difficult questions asked by the kids

Kuya: Mommy, what does ‘attack’ mean?
Me: Why? (puzzled) Where did you hear that? (I was thinking of attack as in heart attack)
Kuya: Because Patrick told Spongebob, ‘Spongebob, hurry! It’s going to attack!’

Don’t ask me how I managed to answer that question. Here’s another one:

Kuya: Mommy, why can’t we go to the brightest planet?
Me: Uh… I don’t know.
Kuya: Maybe because it’s too bright and it will hurt our eyes?
Me: Yes, that’s right (sigh of relief).

Sometimes, kids seem wiser than grown-ups. This week, on one of my very grumpy days, 4-year-old Ate looked up at me and said, “Mommy, you have to smile”. ☺

A really good day (save for the death of the King of Pop)

Today was a good day. Technically, it was yesterday that was a good day. Anyway, apart from the sudden death of the King of Pop, everything went well. It’s great to be in an upbeat mood after a week of sulking and yelling.

I had been cooped up the whole week, mainly my fault though as I became too lazy to drag myself out of the house and to the library. The kids had two days off right smack in the middle of the week - one for a city holiday (Araw ng Maynila) and the other because of a typhoon which, thankfully, did not live up to all the anticipation that preceded it. I guess this explains why I was getting grumpy the whole week. One stressed and so-sick-of-studying-mama + a bunch of pre-schoolers with nothing to do = a lot of grouchiness. Not that these are legitimate excuses for my bad behavior.

As I brushed and flossed and washed my face a few minutes ago, I pondered: why is today so different and much better than the previous days? Aside from the fact that I didn’t get to accomplish much as far as my review is concerned. Analyzing the situation as I brushed today’s grime off my face with Cetaphil, the reasons became clear:

- Today was a break from my routine. I did things differently. I woke up and instead of beating myself up for not having woken up earlier as I ate my cold breakfast, the big distraction of Michael Jackson’s death was enough to keep me eager to hear more about it and, therefore, kinda excited about the rest of the day.

- My aunt dropped by. Unexpectedly. For a few seconds, I, being my usual negative self, thought it was an unwelcome intrusion into my “schedule”. But then, this was a close aunt, much beloved by the kids. We spent the day catching up on each other and were glued to CNN. In essence, an unexpected break from the usual turned out to be just what I needed.

- After months of getting irritated on a daily basis over our front gate that badly needed repair, we finally did something about it! We got ourselves a new door. It’s astonishing how much one rather small change gave something a disproportionately positive boost… our home now looked more presentable. For the longest time, I have always been greatly embarrassed by our front door when guests came to our home.

- Today was the second day in a row that I exercised! Can I call that a row? Maybe it should call it a line instead (two points make a line, not a row). Corny. Anyway, yesterday and today I spent half an hour doing hip-hop abs. I really sweated it out. I followed it up with another half-hour of yoga/stretch. After two days, despite mildly sore hip and back muscles, I feel lighter and limber! Never mind that I still cannot reach my toes. I felt remarkably less tired than when I lay in bed the whole day watching re-runs.

- To cap it all off, hubby surprised us by bringing us out to dinner. The whole family enjoyed Chinese food which, again, was a much-welcome breather from the usual fast-food. Hubby then drove us to the open area behind the largest mall in the city. It was good that he convinced me to resist the urge to walk the whole length of the place and back (as we usually do). Instead, we mostly sat down and hung around the pretty fountain and watched the three kids blowing bubbles until it was time for the fountain to “dance”. Such simple pleasures.

Having re-examined the whole day, I have come to this conclusion: the key is to find opportunities to break away from the usual. Being a creature of habit, I have always found great comfort in routine. Now I discovered that once in a while, it helps to embrace change. You know, just living life one moment at a time, welcoming each second that comes with open arms.

“Happiness is a matter of one’s most ordinary everyday mode of consciousness being busy and lively and unconcerned with self.” - Iris Murdoch

Inevitable

It probably sounds untrue to you when I say that my father’s death was, in some ways, tougher on me compared to my mother or sister because I am a doctor. Not fair. Not real. But I am convinced. I knew things they didn’t. It was the only time in my life when knowledge did not bring comfort; instead, it brought great pain. My mom and my sister had kept hopes up. After all, he was getting the best treatment we could provide. I knew better. I have read far too much and have seen too many.

You may not agree but pause for a while and think of it this way:

When Nadal was messing up at the French Open, people knew. Fans knew. The commentators definitely knew. But can you imagine what must have been going through his Uncle Tony’s mind? The fans see he’s in trouble but they keep on believing he can do it; there is no way our hero can be beat. He is Rafa, the king of clay. But the uncle, knowing Rafa’s every move, every ritual, his bad knee and every whince… he knew from the first set that his player was not doing well. Uncle Tony saw the inevitable way before everybody else. I am convinced that the game was more painful for him to watch than it was for everyone else. I hope now, you begin to understand.

On Daddy and His Anemia

It’s been 31 months but it still surprises me how little things creep up from behind me at the most unexpected moments. I sit quietly and study for my exam when I come across this: “The most common cause of anemia in the setting of malignancy is anemia of chronic disease”. As my eyes lay on this statement, a strong, sharp tug pulled on my heart. My mind goes back to 2½ years ago when I, being in this field, took special interest in my father’s serial blood counts. It is difficult to fully relate to you how extremely sad it was for me to watch as his hemoglobin dropped drastically. As it plummeted, it brought down with it what very little hopes I had of seeing Daddy getting better.

Dear Tension Headache

Dear Tension Headache,

I can sense you are coming my way. For your information, I have taken the liberty of gulping my best friend, Biogesic (Ingat!). Now please… shoo! Get away from me!

In the meantime, I’m going to check my FB.

My growing addiction(s)

Every day, I fall captive to my growing interest in productivity blogs, blogs about notebooks (and pens), personal blogs, and writing.

It is a great comfort for me that there are people out there, geeks like me, who get excited about new notebooks and different colored pens. I am not alone! Most of these people prefer Moleskines because of their quality and the way they make their “creative juices” flowing, or so they claim. I have never owned one and I probably won’t in the next 24 months or so (when I get to earn some for myself, I’d probably consider buying one of those 18-month diaries). It’s just too costly! More than a thousand pesos for a notebook! I’m afraid if I buy one of those I would end up being too scared to start actually using it.

But, thankfully, there are ways and means. I have settled for some knock-offs. First, my Monoliza (grandluxe) maroon faux leather notebook from Fully Booked. It cost me around 220 and has been turned into my first ever PDA hack. This new friend of mine has served me well for the past 6 weeks. I just find its size a bit awkward sometimes, being a little more than 4 x 6 inches (now I realize it’s as big as a 4R photo).

About a week ago, I finally gathered enough courage to buy me a second notebook (I’m kinda weird, I know). It’s a black Scribe which, to me, looked almost exactly like a Moleskine. This is not what made it so beautiful in my eyes. The beauty of it was that it was plain and pocket-sized (3.5 x 5, roughly) which makes it the more ideal size to me. The best part was that it cost me only 199 and it thrilled me for days that I got such a good bargain. I doubt that buying the real deal would give me a better “high”.

Anyway, it rested in the dark insides my closet for a couple of days, save for a few minutes of being brought out in daylight so I could admire its beauty. Three days ago, I chanced upon a blog entry that talked about using the Moleskine as a sort of Thanksgiving journal. So there it is. I switched from my Daily Gratitude List on my laptop into the little black notebook. One again, analog wins over digital!

I also love wasting precious time hovering over productivity blogs and lifehacks. One particular hack that caught my interest was the hipster PDA, which makes use of a bunch of 3 x 5 index cards held together by a binder clip. Yup, it is so simple I’m going gaga over it! Anyway, I have bought my index cards but instead of using it as a hipster PDA (I have my notebook already), I use them for a bunch of other really useful things - bookmark, scratch, notepad, a place for my prayers, etc. I am currently considering using a few cards GTD-style for my context to-do lists. Ideas include @mall, @online, @grocery, etc.

Last night, I accidentally stumbled upon two blog sites that featured my favorite hacks (the notebook and the hipster PDA) and these were people who loved to write (they actually earn their living as writers) and they loved to drink coffee (though, I cannot imagine spending as much as one of them does on her regular Starbuck visits) and best of all, they were in Manila! Wow, I feel like I am getting less weird.

I loved that they were writers; it’s like they are living a dream. Nothing could be grander than doing what you love most to do, something that excites you, and getting paid for it in the process. Earning a living from a creative outlet, that certainly is one of the best things that one can enjoy in this life. I keep telling myself that it’s time for me to start pursuing one of my own.

As to my “addiction” to coffee, my caffeine-withdrawal headache has finally worn off and I now limit myself to a single 400-ml serving of moderately strong coffee. Nothing fancy here, just plain, old instant Nescafe. I ran out of my Marks & Spencer; it was a gift from my bestfriend. But I realized soon after that sipping on a hot tumbler of coffee can do wonders for my concentration. So, I had this ingenious idea of allowing myself two to three servings of coffee while keeping my resolve. How? The two other servings are placebo; read: decaf. Now I am left to wonder whether it has the same placebo effect on my occasional hyperacidity as well.

Back to the newly-discovered blogs, one of them caught my interest not only because of her being a writer but more so because of her life story as well. She has 4 kids (two teenagers, and two younger ones) and more than a year ago, after years of being unappreciated and abused (emotionally, I think), she left her husband. She switched from what seemed like a relatively comfortable but miserable life, to a life of struggle, and she seemed very happy about it. She rented a small apartment with her kids, cooked and cleaned for them, brought them to school, struggled with tight budgets and endures a daily commute to and from work! She loves CSI and Discovery and NatGeo and refuses to be intimidated by her ex-husband’s brand new, top-down BMW. She has had her share of yaya/helper problems. And she surrounds herself with books, books, and even more books. She is not ashamed of posting pictures of her humble, cramped apartment. I find we share quite a few interests so reading her felt like having a friend. At the same time, the fact that I am happily married and still get to sleep beside him on the same bed every single night makes me appreciate hubby (and the gift of my current situation) even more.

Guarding My Thoughts

We break down every thought and proud thing that puts itself up against the wisdom of God. We take hold of every thought and make it obey Christ.
- 2 Corinthians 10:5

What a pleasant surprise today’s verse is; a special gift. I have always believed in what other people say about the benefits of positive thinking. Sadly, it is one of the ever-present struggles in my life. I am, after all, a pessimist by nature; an almost-pathologic worrier.

Nowadays, I struggle with my fears and worries about my upcoming exam, the practice that I should be starting soon, my attacks of depression, and the biggest enemy of all, my tendency to be the worst critic of myself a.k.a. self-doubt. It therefore gives me immense comfort knowing that St. Paul himself acknowledges the importance of taking charge of one’s thoughts; perhaps he has struggled with his thought processes, too. (Everyday, I love St. Paul more and more).

In today’s reflection on Our Daily Journey, Beth Moore talked about spiritual strongholds. She defined a stronghold as “something that consumes so much of our emotional and mental energy that abundant life is strangled - our callings remain unfulfilled and our lives are virtually ineffective”. She then paraphrases St. Paul and reminds me that “the goal of our warfare (as stated in the verse above) is to steal back our thought life and take it captive to Christ instead”.

Today I take hold of my thought life and surrender it to Jesus. Amen.

I am so way behind my schedule. Reasons: My time table was ambitious and unrealistic and I lack discipline. This morning I resolved to go to the library so I can study with no distractions but as always, I became weak and gave in to the temptation of staying within my comfort zone (at home) and spent more than an hour surfing the internet - facebook, yahoo, and my near-pathologic obsession about blogs about notebooks (the paper kind) and productivity.

Can I still do better? I hope so. And I plan to. I forgive myself and move on. (I better shut this off).

As the deer

Once again I struggle with sadness, emptiness and frustration at things that I cannot control nor escape. My temper and sanity tip precariously on an invisible line, thin as a thread. The slightest nudge brings me to tears.

At a loss for words, I run to the Bible for comfort:

Prayer To Be Home Safe Again

As the deer desires rivers of water, so my soul desires You, O God. My soul is thirsty for God, for the living God. When will I come and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember; and I pour out my soul within me. For I used to go with many people and lead them to the house of God, with the voice of thankful joy, among the many happy people.

Why are you sad, O my soul? Why have you become troubled within me? Hope in God, for I will praise Him again for His help of being near me. O my God, my soul is troubled within me. So I remember You from the land of the Jordan and the tops of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. Sea calls to sea at the sound of Your waterfalls. All Your waves have rolled over me. The Lord will send His loving-kindness in the day. And His song will be with me in the night, a prayer to the God of my life.

I will say to God my Rock, “Why have You forgotten me? Why do I have sorrow because those who hate me come against me with power?” As a breaking of my bones, those who hate me speak sharp words to me. All day long they say to me, “Where is your God?” Why are you sad, O my soul? Why have you become troubled within me? Hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my help and my God.
- Psalm 42:1-11

Welcome, Baby Nephew!

Last night, I felt down-trodden. It felt like being stuck in a deep, dark pit. My heart sank in depression and in desperation. I was stuck in self-pity and worse, was filled with anger at myself. Inside of me lurked this intense self-doubt. I was well aware of all the blessings I have received and continue to receive but I felt unworthy of every good thing that came my way and had this urge to look for an escape… a way out. It was so bad that I thought of asking God to give me a serious illness, and thoughts of killing myself crossed my mind twice. The former was too scary. The latter was… unthinkable. Just thinking of the sadness and shame the kids and hubby would have to endure, and of an eternity spent in hell, were enough to make me shudder.

I cried my eyeballs out. I cried in despair. I begged the Lord to give me a sign, a lifeline. I asked, if it wouldn’t be too much to ask, that he send Baby Nephew so that there would be some sign of joy in my life once a more. I realize now that I was begging the Lord to break my routine. And He did! Praised be to God. He really does care for me.

I am grateful to God for my sister’s safe delivery and for the healthy, active bundle of joy he sent to her and my brother-in-law.

I am grateful to God for throwing me a floater and pulling me back to shore. Pull harder, Lord. Help me swim back to you.

But the truth that comes from having the Holy Spirit in our lives is: love, joy, peace, not giving up, being kind, being good, having faith, 23being gentle, and being the boss over our own desires.
- Galatians 5:22, 23

The following are excerpts from the bible reflection on Our Daily Journal (by Beth Moore):

Do you know a serene person who never passed judgment on others? How often do
failures, emotions, or the sins of others ruin your peace of mind?
Know this: The Holy Spirit desires to produce the fruit of patience in you.
Patience is inspired by mercy, devoid of condemnation, and evidenced by the presence and power of our Holy God.

Two important Greek words translate into the English word patience.

Hupomone is perseverance, endurance, and bearing up under difficult circumstances inspired by a beneficial expectation: hope. Job possessed it.

Makrothumia means, “to be long suffering.” It means “forbearance… self-restraint before proceeding to action.” It is “patience with respect to persons, while hupomone, endurance, is putting up with things or circumstances.”

Hupomone is inspired by hope; makrothumia, the fruit of patience, is inspired by mercy.
How we respond to circumstances is important, but how we respond to people is critical.

Patience is the supernatural outcome of being filled with the Holy Spirirt.
Makrothumia is impossible except when inspired by God through us.

I need more patience with people. Definitely. I need makrothumia.
Help me, Lord. Thank you.

Things I learned over the long weekend

The earlier part of my day was filled with anger, hurt, resentment, and fatigue. I was anxious and lacked trust in God. I gave in to my proud, self-righteous self and it resulted in a confrontation that hurt the other person, and more so, myself.

A few hours after, I have started to speak to our nanny, albeit still a little cold and business-like. There are things I learned from what has transpired, not only today, but these past three days when the yayas were off and hubby and I were left to take care of the kids:

·It’s good to be left with the kids sometimes. Surely, it stretched my patience to its limits (and beyond) and mealtimes were never that easy. But we got to know them a little more and discovered their different quirks. We knew a little more of our children.
·The yayas are very important. No use kidding myself or being proud saying we can survive without them. We can’t! Heck, I am exaggerating a bit here; we can survive but it would be extremely tough for us and the kids. Parents who are tired and stressed and yelling all the time - not good!
·I learned how true it is, this thing that Mommy tells me. Sometimes it is better to be loving than to be right. I may think (or even know) that I am doing the right thing but being too puffed up does not always lead to happiness and peace. Sometimes, it’s better to be forgiving than to be right. To not sweat the small stuff.
·Having the in-laws over is never a bad thing. They are easy-going, kind people who are not very hard to please. They are family.
·One more thing: you’ll never know when a term, pregnant woman is going to give birth. Not even if her cervix has been 1 cm dilated for more than 10 days. There’s just no way of knowing. One learns to wait. And wait. And pray. And wait.

A bad parent

There are days when I feel like a failure as a parent. Today was one of those. Now, let’s not talk about days when I feel like a bad wife or else we’ll be talking the whole night.

And now for the excuses…

… I actually have none. The yayas went home for a break yesterday mid-morning. Yesterday was okay. Today was not. I yelled (a lot), I spanked some, and I rolled my eyeballs. I also walked out and threw things. Writing it down right now makes it even worse to me. It appears as though I am the preschooler having one of my worst tantrums. Hay. Will the kids ever forgive me? More importantly, will the kids ever forget?

I am a work in progress. Rather, I’m like one of those DPWH projects with a sign that says, “Caution: Men Working” when everyone sees and knows that no work is ever being done. It’s really bad. I want to run to the kids’ room right now and give each of them a kiss and really tight hugs. But that would wake them up and hubby might get mad ‘cause it took a while for him to make the kids go to sleep.

I feel stressed, tired, worried, and not happy. I am way behind my review timetable. The yayas did not come back today as they promised. My sister still has not given birth. As to my readings, I have been stuck in the same topic for the 3rd day today And tomorrow, my in-laws are coming over and hubby invited them to have breakfast here and I don’t know when the yayas are coming and so we have to prepare them a decent meal and the in-laws might see me at my worst. Heaven, help me! Lord, please come to my rescue. Please help me be a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter, a better daughter-in-law, a better employer, and a better student/examinee.

We are where we are

My ears are beginning to hurt because of my earphones. I put them on to keep myself awake. I decided to give my MP3 player (and my ears) a break and write instead.

The yayas left mid-morning for some time off and promised to be back tomorrow. I laid to bed at around half past three yesterday morning and tossed and turned until daybreak (I panicked when I saw the light coming in through the windows and finally fell asleep). Woke up at around 8, had breakfast, then attended to the Little One and Kuya while having my relatively late breakfast as hubby had to leave for a conference call in the office. Thankfully, he decided to bring Ate with him.

The kids were rather distracted because of cartoons (bad, bad mother) so it wasn’t difficult. The toughest part came as I was trying to pacify the Little One; she wanted to come with her favorite nanny. I felt sorry her looking so distraught as she clung to the yaya so tightly and begged her to change her clothes so she can come, too. At one point, as I tried to comfort her, and the Little One pushed me hard and I landed on the floor, hurting both of my knees. (Yes, a toddler can do that!). Instead of feeling sorry for myself or being jealous, I thanked God that the kids love their yayas that much. It only meant that they were treating our kids well.

Cooked lunch - a lot of it! So ulam na naming hanggang gabi. (Come dinnertime, “Why the same food? I want fish!” - Kuya). Fed the kids (with help from hubby), cleared the table, washed the dishes, brushed their teeth and then collapsed on the bed and took a “nap” which inadvertently lasted for three hours. When I woke up, hubby was crabby having watched over the kids all by himself. I got defensive and felt sorry for having slept too much (instead of studying or helping with the kids) and ended up feeling crabby, too. Nag, nag, a little quiet, whine and then nag some more. Sigh. Why do I do this? Why can’t I keep my mouth shut?

Dinner time was nice and relatively peaceful. Hubby and I were happy to have the whole family seated at the table. The Little One was very much behaved and the way she cleared her plate with her spoon and fork made me beam with pride. Kuya was alright but he refused to eat the rest of his potatoes. Ate had to be nudged and encouraged a lot because hubby said she ate too many Oreos for snack.

Hubby took care of wash-up and helped with the dishes, too. (Am I lucky? Or am I lucky? Please smack me hard on the head whenever I forget!). I brushed the kids’ teeth and helped them with their pajamas while hubby prepared their beds. Everything went well except that there was always too much yelling in the house. I wonder why the kids had to speak so loudly even when their sibs were standing right next to them. Sometimes, the volume just gets so irritating that hubby and I end up yelling at them, too (thus, having a houseful of yellers). Bedtime was surprisingly pleasant and quiet. Hubby and the kids are sleeping in the other room right now while I stay here try to read as much as I can (and endulged in an hour of watching ‘The Practice’). No facebook tonight, though =)

So, this is how life abroad must be like. I mean, without the yayas. Even with the dishwasher and their high-tech washing machines, I realize it’s not easy. But I have to say that I felt a unique feeling of fulfillment as I drudged through the household chores. Now, if I need to do this every day and need to go to work, too… that’s a different story. I am grateful that we - our family - are here where we are right now.

On Caffeine and Being Pushed Off Track

I have been terribly sleepy since yesterday, wait... for three days. Yung tipo ng antok na mahirap labanan… parang mabigat ang ulo, groggy, tapos I struggle to fight it off which leaves me tired and even more sleepy. I can name several culprits:

- ilang gabing pagpupuyat sa kakanood ng French Open. Ang saya manood, enjoy ako. It’s a recently-discovered interest of mine and hubby. A much welcome break from watching one murder after another at CSI or those highly-strung, highly-stressed defense lawyers at The Practice. Ang saya pag kasama ko hubby manood kasi feel na feel n’ya. With matching nausea, wretching, palpitation and flushing pa s’ya, grabe… minsan natatakot ako baka bigla na lang atakihin sa puso. Ang saya, especially nung manalo si Federer. But, pray tell me… why do these darn tennis matches take forever? Three to four hours! Grabe!

- I have been skipping coffee for the past two days (not deliberately, busy lang may mga lakad) after more than a week of drinking two 400 ml servings a day. I ended up having these vague, right-sided frontal headaches (non-throbbing). Caffeine withdrawal? Kasama din daw sa symptoms ang irritability but then again, maybe it’s just me being… well, me.

- I had to make some errands because of school opening. Got myself preoccupied with concerns such as uniforms, black shoes, notebooks, undies… I hated that hubby made me wait until almost last-minute to attend to these things when I have had all the free time I my hands. Something about credit card cut-offs, which in the end, turned out to be much sooner than it actually is kasi credit card ko naman din ang ginamit ko, which meant that the delay/wait was useless and baseless and became cause for more unwarranted stress for me… sigh. Don’t ask anymore. I’m obviously ranting here. Sorry.

- I have been lagging behind my time table. I am about twenty-two chapters behind. I know, it’s nuts… the exam is 68 days away but the lag is making me tired and crabby. The deadline for exam requirements turned out to be much earlier than what was previously relayed to me (I was misinformed, unintentionally naman). Anyway, I had to stress myself into completing the requirements… letters, photocopies, CV, etc… this set me off of my track. Medyo nawala ang momentum ko. Everything was going on very smoothly before this. Being the ok-ok and regimented monster that I am, medyo nahihirapan ako to get back on track. (Tapos nagtataka pa ako bakit ganun si Kuya eh halata obvious naman sa akin nagmana). Lord, please help me!
I have got to so something about this and bring myself to get back on track. Somebody please help me. More importantly, I know I have to help myself.

Endure (for when I am weary or feel like giving up)

I have been feeling pretty bad about myself these past couple of days. The feeling is very much different from how I felt when I sat down more than a week ago and wrote out my ‘plan of action’ (a.k.a. timetable) for the remaining seventy-something days of my review. Back then I was all fired up and raring to go. I knew and felt I could do it.

I underestimated the time it will take for me to accomplish some tasks and assigned readings. Because of this, I lag behind my schedule. I am supposed to be have been done with the other book the other day and now on 2nd day of major textbook, round 2. Last night, I stayed up late until half past two this morning, but had to lie down and succumb to fatigue and eye strain. I felt so tired, my neck hurt, and more importantly, my heart was weighed down with discouragement. I remember lying down, thinking to myself, that I have not been keeping my prayer time… maybe that’s why, despite hubby’s unremitting support, I feel so low and discouraged.

Today, as always, God came to my rescue to comfort me through His Word.

Let us put everything out of our lives that keeps us from doing what we should.
Let us keep running in the race that God has planned for us.
Let us keep looking to Jesus.
Our faith comes from Him and He is the One Who makes it perfect.
- Hebrews 12: 1b, 2a

And then this was what in today’s bible reflection form Our Daily Journey:

Endure comes from the Greek word hupomeno. Hupo translates “to bear up under a
weight or a burden”. Meno means “to continue or remain”. = to continue to bear
up under the weight of difficulties. It paints a picture of staying the course
in complete submission, and obedience to Jesus.

Lord, help me to become a good soldier. Teach me to endure. Send forth Your grace… help me remember that this is my mission for now and that I do this, first and foremost, for You.

Take your share of suffering as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.
- 2 Timothy 2: 3

(Minor) Change of Plan

Turns out there was a mix-up. Good thing the secretariat thought of sending me a text message to “remind” me of the upcoming deadline for submission of application for my exam. The actual date is much, much sooner than that which she had previously announced.

Because of the reminder, she also realized that she had forgotten to e-mail me the letter/list of requirements. When I finally got the e-mail, I panicked when I saw the attached list of topics/pointers for the exam.

I whined. I muttered words that I dare not use when the kids are around. I was flabbergasted. I panicked.

I thought of how, had I known about the list, I would have reviewed differently. Later on, after my (and hubby’s, too) anger has subsided, and after things have begun to sink in, hubby comforted me and warmly reassured me that 2 ½ months is enough time for me to do the things that need to be done.

I grabbed my files - review plan of action, schedule of readings - and mapped out the revisions so I can concentrate more on the topics on the list. I made a master list of all the important chapters in the book (65 out of 132) and tentatively wrote target dates beside each topic. In my obsessive-compulsive way, I tweaked my plan of action. I then paused and said to myself that all is well… I can do it… please help me, Lord.

To Shed and To Embrace

End of May, already! (Panic… umm… some more panic).

Yesterday, hubby and I were talking about our future. I expressed some concerns of mine about how uncertain everything in my future (and near-future) seems. This journey sometimes feels like a walk through the forest where no paths are laid and one has no idea which direction to go and what things or circumstances await.

This anxiety is getting more palpable with each passing day. I am guessing it is this anxiety that pushed me to fix my wallpaper two days ago. I took my fluke of a nice shot of the beach and added this text at the bottom:

“Do not worry. Learn to pray about everything. Give thanks to God as you ask Him
for what you need”. - Philippians 4:6.

That particular quote from Scripture somehow appeases my worries and fears, knowing that God is a God who keeps His word and fulfills all His promises.

Today I get another reassuring pat from God the Father. Today’s verse, again from St. Paul (I love St. Paul!), goes like this:

“God can give you all you need. He will give you more than enough. You will have
everything you need for yourselves. And you will have enough left over to give
when there is a need.” - 2 Corinthians 9:8

I noticed that there was no condition attached to the verse. It did not say that God can give me all I need if I just pray an hour everyday or keep from being grumpy. I also figured that need may not necessarily be limited to material things; my needs include health, peace and contentment, a fulfilling career.

And then I read the reflection on Our Daily Journal. It said the happiest person in the world is the righteous person.

“Righteousness is not cod liver oil you have to swallow. Righteousness is
shedding all of the things that make you miserable and embracing fully the path
that God has laid out that leads to peace, joy, and fulfillment”.

I pray to the great Holy Spirit for the grace and strength:
- to shed all the things that make me miserable, and
- to FIND the path God has laid out for me so that I can fully embrace it.


Addendum: Hubby and I heard Mass about an hour ago. Turns out today is the Pentecost. ☺