Last night, I felt down-trodden. It felt like being stuck in a deep, dark pit. My heart sank in depression and in desperation. I was stuck in self-pity and worse, was filled with anger at myself. Inside of me lurked this intense self-doubt. I was well aware of all the blessings I have received and continue to receive but I felt unworthy of every good thing that came my way and had this urge to look for an escape… a way out. It was so bad that I thought of asking God to give me a serious illness, and thoughts of killing myself crossed my mind twice. The former was too scary. The latter was… unthinkable. Just thinking of the sadness and shame the kids and hubby would have to endure, and of an eternity spent in hell, were enough to make me shudder.
I cried my eyeballs out. I cried in despair. I begged the Lord to give me a sign, a lifeline. I asked, if it wouldn’t be too much to ask, that he send Baby Nephew so that there would be some sign of joy in my life once a more. I realize now that I was begging the Lord to break my routine. And He did! Praised be to God. He really does care for me.
I am grateful to God for my sister’s safe delivery and for the healthy, active bundle of joy he sent to her and my brother-in-law.
I am grateful to God for throwing me a floater and pulling me back to shore. Pull harder, Lord. Help me swim back to you.
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