Not a very good day

I am struck at how small things can make me feel discontent and forget about being grateful for all my blessings.

Today is the first day in a week that I do not need to go anywhere. I woke up happily feeling relaxed. Slowly, I regained my momentum and finished going over a few chapters for my review. Short chapters but at least I’m making progress.

While Kuya and Ate were at school, the Little One stayed with me the whole morning. Ours is a love-hate relationship. Away-bati. Para kaming aso’t pusa. Time and again she would stretch my patience to its limits and then transform back into this sweet little girl so I can wallow in guilt while allowing my patience to recoil. This happened several times the whole morning. I felt silly for allowing myself to be pestered, challenged, frustrated and manipulated by a toddler. Hubby did not believe me at first when I told him that our Little One can be quite a handful; he said it’s just a phase that all kids have to go through. But it took him half a day spent with her before he realized that it can really be a tough challenge sometimes.

It also irked me when I got down and saw that our veranda was strewn with clutter. Not kids’ mess, mind you, but the yayas’ mess! Manicure sets, towels, romance pocketbooks, arrgh. Mukha kaming squatter and it’s right in front of our house.

This afternoon, after a very brief cat nap, I relaxed, took a long bath and washed and conditioned my hair. I then rounded up Kuya and Ate to go over their lessons for their last day of exams tomorrow. I do not do this so that they can get high scores. I do it to make them familiar with the upcoming questions because I don’t want them to feel panicky when they see activities that were last done 3 months ago and have long-been forgotten. I believe they are smart and so all I have to do is to boost their confidence by familiarizing them a little so they can better answer their tests.

It bugged me that, as I was reviewing them, the fish kept frying in the kitchen with no one watching over them. It was over low fire, the nanny said, and she was making them crisp. To me it felt like too long a time for the fish to be left unwatched like that. I couldn’t hide my disagreement and said that it may be the reason why we were always eating soggy, tough, fried food. Should I have left these unsaid, I now wonder. Sigh.

And then Ate and the Little One fought loudly over a hairband which was on Little One’s head first but which Ate claimed was a prize she got from her classmate’s party, therefore, rightfully hers. There was much bawling and yelling. Later, Kuya was also yelling and crying his head off because the Little One got his pencil, too. And that was when I realized that my newly-shampooed hair now reeks of fried fish. I grabbed the hairband and went upstairs. Grrr.

So I come up here, typing away in fury. These are very little, very silly things, I know and I let them affect me! Just one day at home and I’m going nuts. This will pass. It shall pass. One day, they will grow up and there will be no more screaming and bawling. I might miss this.

Addendum (after a few hours):

I’ve chatted with hubby on FB, eaten chippy and flat tops, watched The Practice… but this pervasive feeling of sadness and disappointment remains. Why? I feel inadequate as a Mom, I guess. I wake up and read my humongous book while the Little One sits on my bed watching TV the whole morning. That is after tha yayas have given the kids their baths, fed them, and brought Kuya and Ate to school. The two come home from school, the three get fed by their yayas again and then brought to bed to take their afternoon nap. They wake up, get merienda from their yayas (or from me, though seldom) and then they come running through my bedroom door and demand to be allowed to watch their CD of preference. I read my book, they watch. They ask questions, I nod. I give them hugs and kisses occasionally. They fight, I yell. Then it’s time for supper, the yayas feed tham, wash them, put them to bed.

What have I contributed to the growth and welfare of my kids? Nothing.

Oh, I did go over their lessons with them for maybe 15 minutes or so each. Does that count? They don’t even enjoy it.

Minsan, parang wala akong kwentang ina. They don’t deserve me and I do not deserve to have them.

Lord, please help me. I know this is not of Your working. If it is, maybe I really do need to take stock of things and do something about it. Read them a story, feed them, bathe them. Why is it so difficult sometimes? Is it because of my upcoming exam?

I remember being pregnant with the Little One and having then 2-year-old Kuya and 1-year-old Ate with no yaya around. We were at my parents' house and I took care of the two. It wasn’t easy, I must admit. Hours passed by so quickly. Feeling the relief of having bathed them in the morning was the highlight of my day. But I felt good about what I was doing. Tired. But good.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day. Lord, teach me. Help me become a good Mom to my 3 beloved kids. Help me enjoy their youth while we still have it.