As the deer

Psalm 42:1-8

As the deer desires rivers of water, so my soul desires You, O God.
Why are you sad, o my soul? Why have you become troubled within me? Hope in God, for I will praise Him again for His help of being near me.

It is but human to feel sad and worried sometimes.
I, in particular, am prone to falling into short (two days to a week) periods of being weepy and feeling depressed. This is especially true in the days before my monthly period comes… people in our household can sense it as I turn into this melancholy, self-pitying girl who cries at the slightest annoyance OR into this ill-tempered monster who is ready to bite your head off with the tiniest provocation. Sigh. Surely, I am not proud of it. I am working on it. There is no promise to totally change into a saint overnight but I try to make the “attacks” farther and farther in between.

I put my hope in God for His help is near me… as in, andyan lang sa tabi-tabi, pag kailangan ko S’ya.

Temper, temper

Today is Ash Wednesday. Went to mass at 12nn at the chapel nearby, prayed the rosary (tagal nang hindi) and had my ash on my forehead. Skipped lunch as I was trying to adhere to “one full meal a day” as mentioned by the priest. Sadly, I was not able to resist opening my big pack of chippy come mid-afternoon. And as if that were not enough, I ate a heap of Flat Tops tonight fast. So much for fasting.

While praying in the chapel, I contemplated on my many weaknesses and made a promise to God and myself that as an offering to Him, I will do my best to keep my temper especially when dealing with the kids (and hubby and the yayas, too). Definitely not easy. Just this afternoon, the Little One went out of her way to make sure she (repeatedly!) irked me by touching, rearranging, messing around with my book, highlighters, review paraphernalia. She holds up a pen, strikes a pose – as if she is about to make a big doodle on my book – and looks over her shoulder to make sure I see her. Sigh. I warn… she does it again. I give a second warning, my voice slightly raised… she does it again. I give a third warning – with an even louder voice… she does it again! Not until I yell and stomp my feet and motion to her that I’m bringing her down to the step (for a time-out) that she stops. By then I would be mad, tired, and frustrated, not only at her but at myself as well.

On a brighter note, shea was kind enough to put up with me while I watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. She laid quietly in my arms, hugging me once in a while, asking a few questions (why is the baby crying?), then decided to go downstairs because she was bored and more than ready for her snack.

Kuya and Ate never cease to amaze me every day with the things they say. Marunong na magkwento. Kuya brought home a perfectly scored schoolwork on things that start with the letter J; says he got a “smiling lightbulb” for it. Ate was excitedly telling me (with big, round eyes) that their school snack had ants “Winow (You know) Mommy, our snack had ants”. Oh… did she eat them, I asked? “NO!” looking so disgusted that I asked such a thing ;)

I’ve been slowly making progress on my review. Finished reading Part II and am about to start Chapter 19. Quite a feat for me considering that it’s been a long time since I last studied hard like this (January of 2005). Not that of a feat considering that my goal is to read all 132 chapters of my book twice over before the exam in July. That plus a few review books/test questionnaires and the review for my practical exam. Go forth steadily and surely… one day at a time. In the meantime, I have to see tonight’s episode of CSI (new season). I can see my guardian angel striking her/himself on the forehead… tigas ulo nitong batang ito!

On Suffering

Psalm 9: 1-14

9The Lord also keeps safe those who suffer. He is a safe place in times of trouble.
10Those who know Your name will put their trust in You. For You, O Lord, have never left alone those who look for You.

Lord, I get anxious and frightened whenever I see words such as “suffer” and “trouble” in the readings. Satan puts silly thoughts in my head… things like – “If you get too close to God, be ready because He’s going to test You to see how far You can go. Be ready to suffer or else don’t get too close”. Lord God, help me! Please banish these evil thoughts. I know that You are my Father and Savior. You love me more than anyone can ever do. Teach me to be not afraid. Help me put my trust in You. Help me to love You more. You never leave alone those who put their trust in You. Amen.

Psalm 9:1-12

6Remember, the man who plants only a few seeds will not have much grain to gather. The man who plants many seeds will have much grain to gather.

Off to work/study I go.

On God and Science

Psalm 37:1-7

Trust in the Lord, and do good. So you will live in the land and will be fed.
Be happy in the Lord. And He will give you the desires of your heart. Rest in the Lord and be willing to wait for Him.

I felt a tug in my heart as I read these verses. I feel that I am at a crossroads in my life right now. From where I stand, I see a multitude of roads… boy, am I blessed to have these many options. The opportunities are endless! Sadly, I do not know which way to go. One thing is sure – I long for a life of peace, simplicity and comfort (is it possible? I think it is!), and happiness with my loved ones. Having good friends won’t hurt.

And because I do not know which road to take, I find great comfort in these verses knowing that God knows all the desires of my heart. I just have to put my complete trust in Him. Stand still. Do not fret. Be happy! Napakabait mo, Lord. Pinag-aantay mo na nga lang ako, gusto mo pa rested at happy ako. Salamat po, Lord. I am sorry for times when I allow myself to wallow in sadness, self-pity, and negativity. Remind me that though my heart needs to rest and be still, I do need to “do good” and study and do my best to prepare for the exam (and everything else) that lies ahead. Amen.

Stop being angry. Turn away from fighting. Do not trouble yourself.

Oh Lord, please help me keep my temper, to hold back my tongue when it is dying to lash out. Smoothen the furrows on my forehead. Let me turn away from mindless fighting, arguing, and nagging. Let me not trouble myself. Thank You, Lord. Amen.

Mark 9:14-29 A boy with a demon is healed

As I read today’s gospel reading, I thought that probably this boy has been born with epilepsy. The reading said that the boy had been like that “from the time that he was a child (verse 21)” and that “…it threw the boy down and came out of him. The boy was so much like a dead man… (verse 26)”. Looks like that the boy has been having generalized clonic-tonic seizures that were followed by the post-ictal state which explained why he appeared dead.

With these theories that I have though, I do not mean to undermine the healing power of God. Illness is a demon. On the contrary, these conjectures made me appreciate the power of God even more. Jesus said, “come out of Him!” and the boy was healed! Stories abound in the Bible of God’s great healing power – the paralytic who was brought down the roof (a stroke patient, perhaps?) or of the woman whose bleeding stopped after she touched the hem of Jesus’ cloak (menorrhagia? a myoma? von Willebrand disease?). Jesus is great! And He lives amongst us!

I am a doctor, a man (woman) of science. I spent four years of my life in a high school that boasts of the greatest science scholars in the country. But there are things that just cannot be explained nor straightened out by science. When Daddy died of cancer after chemotherapy, radiation, even targeted therapy, it made me question the beauty and power of medicine. We did everything we could. My father was a good man. I saw a number of people who had advanced stage/metastatic cancers who lived up to more than a year (even longer). But my Daddy was not healed. Was it because my family and I lacked faith? Was it because my daddy abused cigarettes which eventually gave him the disease? Or was it because God did not want Daddy to suffer some more? He knew what was best for him so He took him peacefully, quietly, surrounded by the people he loved the most.

I may never know the answers to these. I just know that the Lord did what He knew was best for Daddy and for all of us. I trust that things went the way He planned. I thank God for the time He gave us to prepare ourselves, to love Daddy and show him how much we really cared for him. I dare not question science for today I live knowing that science has given me electricity, this electric fan beside me, this laptop that I am working on. I live with the assurance that because of my kids’ vaccination, they will grow up not having the pockmarks of chickenpox or fear of German measles. Science is good. Knowledge is good. Progress is good.

Praised be Jesus!

My Daily Commute

My work entails traveling from the city where I live to the far end of another adjacent city. This is about an hour’s worth of commute (on a typical rush hour). On those few lucky days when hubby’s schedule is not so tight, he drives me to work (and then he braves himself against a tougher jam for about an hour and a half more).

On most days though, I have to use public transport. I take the FX (sort of like an airconditioned jeepney but much more cramped, in my opinion) because taxi cabs are just too costly (except when it’s really late or when I’m really late).

The funny thing is, though I whine about hubby not being able to drive me to work as often as I’d want to, my daily commute has become a time of solace. It gives me time to pray, to say hi to my mom or sister (via SMS), to ponder over my future and the future of my kids and to plan the rest of my day (say, what to order for lunch).

Strangely, it is also the time when I feel very much one with everyone else. I, together with other average human beings on this side of the metropolis, become one people, waking up and bringing ourselves to wherever it is that we need to be…school or work or market. It offers some consolation that I am not alone; we are all in the same boat.

On a different note, my daily commute is usually the time when I feel more fortunate than most people. I see the FX driver, doing his best to dodge those equally reckless buses and jeepney drivers, just to meet his boundary and place food on the table. I see the woman selling vegetables on the sidewalk, eating puto for breakfast. I see the MMDA standing in the middle of the street, sweating it out, breathing in all this pollution. Last but not the least, I see these countless beings, sitting by their shanties, breastfeeding their babies, talking with one another simply because they have no job and therefore, nowhere to go. True, there are times when I wished I had an MP3 player so I can escape from that awful music blaring from the radio or from those dreadful conversations one can’t help but overhear. Most of the time though, I feel blessed.

I find it strange that I only “see” these things when I take public transport. As if sitting in my hubby’s car gives me some sort of shield from the ugly but real facts of daily life.

My list of life goals include owning and driving my own car. Apart from worries about parking space, my mind says life would be easier when I stop taking public transport. Will this make me feel detached from my fellow commuters and turn me into a less grateful person? I hope to find the answer to this… soon :)

Work and Life

I am in the final stretch of what seems to me like a lifetime of study and training. Twelve-hour workdays, 6 to 7 days a week - this is not supposed to be normal and it is driving me nuts! The guilt of not being able to spend enough time with my family, the frustration of not being capable of giving my best 100% of the time (at home and on the job), the lack of time to read, and study, and further my training... I'm like a half-baked cake that is about to be served and scrutinized.

Add to this a boss who is so used to filling his schedule to the brim, with no time to have a decent lunch. He works like his body and mind have been designed to not need any break.

To say that I feel sad because of my seemingly helpless situation is truly an understatement. Thank God heard my prayers of frustration (as always) and made me stumble into this article on how to find that elusive balance between work and life. It made me reflect on how, aside from finding time for myself, I need to KNOW what it is that makes me happy. The write-up urged me to spend some time thinking about the question - what do you love? Turns out that the 'what' is a far tougher question than the 'who'.

So I ventured into coming up with my short list of things that I love:
1. being with my family
2. good music
3. good reading material
4. idyllic views of nature (greens and blooms, in particular)
5. cross-stitching

To my horror, I realized that this past week I spent this amount of time doing the things that I love: less than 10 hours! Ay, caramba!... I really have to find that balance before it's too late.

Mommy, Your Table Is Messy

We have this old, huge desk in our bedroom. It has served us well for the past years but I have been meaning to have it replaced by a smaller, space-saving, equally efficient cheap desk from the mall. We never got around to doing it.

I never realized that paper can accumulate so quickly! For the past 3 months, I have attended two conventions, gained a few more must-read books, brought 2 or 3 magazines and have been too lazy to sort the pile. Before I knew it, I did not have enough space to put my book on, much less my laptop. "So, that's why I never got to study", I reasoned out in my head. I simply had no space!

After much dillying and dallying, I finally got hubby to buy me one of those long plastic storage boxes that are meant to be stored under the bed. When Kuya asked me what it was for, I told him that I was planning to clean up my desk and store some of my books in the box. Being very makulit and bossy sometimes, my son took it upon himself to remind me everyday that I had to fix the books because "Mommy, your table is messy". On Saturday, I promised.

The following Saturday, I had to go to the hospital to make rounds until past lunchtime. Having gotten home after a loooong week at work, I thought I deserved to rest and waste some precious time watching TV. Kuya came along and reminded me that it was Saturday and I had to fix my mess.

I realized that if I didn't get up and carry out my resolution as promised, it may ruin my son for the rest of his life. So, I dragged myself out of bed, stared at my mess, stared at my bookshelves, and tried to figure out... what in the world have I gotten myself into? This took quite a while. The moment I started it though, my momentum became full force and I couldn't stop lifting, moving, dusting, filing, sorting, throwing away things. I found old bills, old receipts, old grocery lists, partially-read mags... I had to resist sitting down and reading them again.

When I finished after almost three hours, I realized that I didn't really need to have the new storage box because I had enough space on my desk and shelf. It just needed a lot of organizing. So there I sat, grinning at my newly fixed desk. It's amazing how great it felt having finally dealt with several months' worth of clutter. Now, I have space where I can place my bookstand, laptop, snacks. It felt great! No more excuses not to study. I firmly resolve to make important decisions as soon as I get my hands on things... should I file this, should I throw it, do I really need to keep it?

So, now I really, really need to start getting down to reading and studying. So, what am I doing here blogging?