It shames me that I dare to feel and think this way when everything in life is going well. Everyone in the family is healthy (save for my tinnitus). There is food on the table. There are two sets of helping hands. Our new house is almost done. And all are at peace.
This past week brought with it feelings of emptiness and discontent. As silly as it may sound, I am fraught with worry that because everything is going very well, something really terrible is bound to happen. It will pounce on me like a sharp-toothed predator and leave me stunned. Will I die a sudden death in a car crash? Will someone in the family fall seriously ill? This feeling of dread leaves me drained of happiness and energy. Knowing how crazy it all is makes it even doubly hard. How silly can a supposedly educated person get?
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Dearest A,
Driving to L_____ this morning gave me much time to pause and think. I realize how increasingly difficult it has become to discipline our three kids. Each has his or her own unique personality, and for reasons that are still unclear to me, they seem to put on their worst behavior whenever we are around. An attempt at catching our attention? Probably.
I also thought about what happened last night when the kids were noisily playing on our bed and they woke you up from your sleep, causing you to kick the Big Boy’s toys off the bed. I know you did not mean to do it. Please bear with me as I share with you some of my thoughts. I admit I am far from being a patient mother myself. Just an hour before that incident, I threw the empty alcohol bottle to show how displeased I was that Little One played with and wasted my stuff again. I have huge planks in my eye that need to be weeded out. I write this because we are a team. And as a team, our aim is to raise and love our kids the best way we can.
I found the incident a very sad moment. When the toys flew off of the bed and landed on the floor, the Big Boy did not show any change in the expression on his face. He had spent a considerable amount of time arranging those toys to make them look like a ship… you know how fond he is of building things. After the incident, he neither showed anger nor hurt, not even surprise. I found it very sad that he simply went about picking up his toys and rearranging them as if having toys thrown off beds was a most natural and ordinary occurrence in our home.
You and I both work very hard to give them the best and most comfortable life we can give. Sometimes, it makes us too tired to listen to their tiny and mundane concerns and, I speak for myself here hon, I admit that most days it is easier to just lie in bed and read my book or Facebook than to listen or spend time with them. You’re better off as I can see your effort in taking time to read them storybooks. I am guilty and today I pray to the Lord that He would send all the help we need so we can be the parents that He has meant us to be. As I’ve read somewhere, no amount of success can compensate for failure in the home. If I become a successful ______gist but turn out to be a bad mother, I would consider my life a complete waste. May God bless us both and teach us always. I love you so much.
K
I also thought about what happened last night when the kids were noisily playing on our bed and they woke you up from your sleep, causing you to kick the Big Boy’s toys off the bed. I know you did not mean to do it. Please bear with me as I share with you some of my thoughts. I admit I am far from being a patient mother myself. Just an hour before that incident, I threw the empty alcohol bottle to show how displeased I was that Little One played with and wasted my stuff again. I have huge planks in my eye that need to be weeded out. I write this because we are a team. And as a team, our aim is to raise and love our kids the best way we can.
I found the incident a very sad moment. When the toys flew off of the bed and landed on the floor, the Big Boy did not show any change in the expression on his face. He had spent a considerable amount of time arranging those toys to make them look like a ship… you know how fond he is of building things. After the incident, he neither showed anger nor hurt, not even surprise. I found it very sad that he simply went about picking up his toys and rearranging them as if having toys thrown off beds was a most natural and ordinary occurrence in our home.
You and I both work very hard to give them the best and most comfortable life we can give. Sometimes, it makes us too tired to listen to their tiny and mundane concerns and, I speak for myself here hon, I admit that most days it is easier to just lie in bed and read my book or Facebook than to listen or spend time with them. You’re better off as I can see your effort in taking time to read them storybooks. I am guilty and today I pray to the Lord that He would send all the help we need so we can be the parents that He has meant us to be. As I’ve read somewhere, no amount of success can compensate for failure in the home. If I become a successful ______gist but turn out to be a bad mother, I would consider my life a complete waste. May God bless us both and teach us always. I love you so much.
K
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Mindlessness
I finally got around to doing the groceries. Yesterday, I felt a sharp pang of guilt as I reached for our coffee canister only to find it empty. More so when I wanted to make some milk for the kids at breakfast and was told by our kasambahay, “Ate, wala na rin po”. Ayayay, what kind of a mother am I? Too busy the whole week and spent my free time working on frustrating and utterly useless crossword puzzles… honestly, spending bucks on booklets of puzzles to torture myself? Please remind me to smack myself on the forehead. Not to mention my mindless FB-ing (a.k.a. Facebook-ing)… aaargh.
This morning as I drove towards home from the supermarket, my youngest and I got entangled in a huge traffic jam. It was a beautiful morning, and I was proud because the little one was very much behaved. The jam was terrible and I had gotten pretty irked and allowed no one to drive past me. Sisingit-singit ka d’yan, gitgitan to the max! Thank heavens I was spared from a dent or scratch but as I sat there I thought to mysef – goodness, what creature have I turned myself into? How could I have turned from this neophyte driver whose armpits were drenched with sweat despite the airconditioning and who took much care and prayed with every turn and into this impatient, wreckless, arrogant witch? And in such a short span of time! Aaaack! Another smack on the forehead.
Enough! More mindfulness! More patience! More cool! Praise God for loving me in spite of.
This morning as I drove towards home from the supermarket, my youngest and I got entangled in a huge traffic jam. It was a beautiful morning, and I was proud because the little one was very much behaved. The jam was terrible and I had gotten pretty irked and allowed no one to drive past me. Sisingit-singit ka d’yan, gitgitan to the max! Thank heavens I was spared from a dent or scratch but as I sat there I thought to mysef – goodness, what creature have I turned myself into? How could I have turned from this neophyte driver whose armpits were drenched with sweat despite the airconditioning and who took much care and prayed with every turn and into this impatient, wreckless, arrogant witch? And in such a short span of time! Aaaack! Another smack on the forehead.
Enough! More mindfulness! More patience! More cool! Praise God for loving me in spite of.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Happily Swamped
This week, I was swamped by referrals and new patients. Okay, okay… ‘swamped’ is an exaggeration. But they were plenty enough to keep me busy. It left me no time to whine about my tiniest troubles and left me scrambling about with a smile in my heart. Every day I drive 80 to 120 km. Every night, my sleep is interrupted by updates and lab results. One doesn’t mind and instead, chooses to be grateful for the busy-ness and for people (nurses and residents) who bother to call and SMS.
I whined. Heavenly Father heard me. I am such a spoiled brat. Thank You, God.
I whined. Heavenly Father heard me. I am such a spoiled brat. Thank You, God.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Oasis
Ah, finally. Some quiet time. One enjoys this moment, sitting at the desk with no sound but the whir of the electric fan blades.
Since the yayas have unexpectedly left on Valentine’s day, I have become too busy that the lines that separate one day from the next have become a blur. I am thankful that one of the yayas has come back about two weeks ago. Still, I found myself constantly moving from one activity to the next, driving from one place to the another, able to keep still only for the duration of the few minutes between the time I lay my head on my pillow and the moment I fall asleep. So far my alone and “quiet” time has been the hours I spent driving to and from my clinic/s south of Manila.
And it’s not even because I have a thriving practice. In one of my clinics, patients have been few and far between. Referrals have been rare… like rain during this season of El Nino.
One tries to keep the optimism and to remain hopeful. Still, concerns can feel like a heavy rock tied around my heart, weighing me down.
At the risk of sounding hypocritical, I must say that it isn’t just about money. Not that I don’t need it! Thankfully though, hubby’s work has been far more reliable. For years,he has been keeping our family well-fed and sheltered.
It is about the need for certain things that money cannot buy. The need for things like… fulfillment. The feeling of being wanted and needed. The need for reassurance that one’s decision has been right all along despite the many objections and criticisms from closest loved ones and friends. The right field. The right place. The right choice.
It feels like passing through an arid desert. No stream lies in sight. The thirst, no matter how hard one tries to ignore, has become almost unbearable. But I trudge on knowing that ahead of me lies the oasis that has been promised.
Since the yayas have unexpectedly left on Valentine’s day, I have become too busy that the lines that separate one day from the next have become a blur. I am thankful that one of the yayas has come back about two weeks ago. Still, I found myself constantly moving from one activity to the next, driving from one place to the another, able to keep still only for the duration of the few minutes between the time I lay my head on my pillow and the moment I fall asleep. So far my alone and “quiet” time has been the hours I spent driving to and from my clinic/s south of Manila.
And it’s not even because I have a thriving practice. In one of my clinics, patients have been few and far between. Referrals have been rare… like rain during this season of El Nino.
One tries to keep the optimism and to remain hopeful. Still, concerns can feel like a heavy rock tied around my heart, weighing me down.
At the risk of sounding hypocritical, I must say that it isn’t just about money. Not that I don’t need it! Thankfully though, hubby’s work has been far more reliable. For years,he has been keeping our family well-fed and sheltered.
It is about the need for certain things that money cannot buy. The need for things like… fulfillment. The feeling of being wanted and needed. The need for reassurance that one’s decision has been right all along despite the many objections and criticisms from closest loved ones and friends. The right field. The right place. The right choice.
It feels like passing through an arid desert. No stream lies in sight. The thirst, no matter how hard one tries to ignore, has become almost unbearable. But I trudge on knowing that ahead of me lies the oasis that has been promised.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Things are looking up.
It’s been eight days since the yayas have left without any warning. I’ve mopped floors and washed dishes and clothes and packed away toys and cooked and uncluttered and bathed kids and ironed clothes and just worked myself to bits. I yelled a lot and spanked some. My back ached. Thankfully, the kids watched TV for a couple of hours early this evening while hubby cooked. It afforded me some shut-eye.
Now I sit here at my desk and try to will myself to work on my upcoming lecture, thanks to hubby’s prodding/yelling. It’s okay. Everybody’s tired.
Tomorrow, the other (better) yaya is coming back. We managed to convince her to conquer her fear (of us) and work again to pay off the 2 weeks worth of salary she has taken in advance. I pray that she decides to stay. I pray for strength to forgive her and to move on.
Tomorrow, things will get better.
Now I sit here at my desk and try to will myself to work on my upcoming lecture, thanks to hubby’s prodding/yelling. It’s okay. Everybody’s tired.
Tomorrow, the other (better) yaya is coming back. We managed to convince her to conquer her fear (of us) and work again to pay off the 2 weeks worth of salary she has taken in advance. I pray that she decides to stay. I pray for strength to forgive her and to move on.
Tomorrow, things will get better.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Like Manna From Heaven
The other day, Mom and I were taking over dinner about wanting to try yoga. There was no yoga class in our hometown. My family and I, on the other hand, are to move into a new place in a couple of months and I knew, thru a cousin, that a yoga class was available. I felt excited. I’ve heard and read tons about the benefits of yoga – the way it helps relieve stressed muscles and minds, and about how it makes one limber. Mom and I laughed at how tight our muscles were. I then forgot about our conversation.
For days, weeks now even, I have been concerned about finding a good school for our three kids. Our first application into a ‘good’ school (or so we’ve heard) was pretty traumatic for me. A week after the exam, I was handed letters that said they were sorry to inform me that my kid was not accepted because he/she did not meet their requirements. And they thanked me for taking interest in their school. BS! It was painful for me and my ego. And I felt sorry for the kids whom I knew were smart, and curious, and inquisitive but have been exposed for the past two years to a school curriculum which was “unconventional”. (Others called it “non-traditional”).
For about a week after that, I hustled from one school to another in between my clinic hours. I busied myself over ID pictures, and birth and baptismal certificates, and teacher’s recommendations forms. Once, I found myself crying while driving. Are they nuts? How can they not accept my son and daughter? They’re preschoolers, c’mon, give them a break!
Yesterday, after my clinic, I went on an errand for hubby. As I drove in the mall parking lot, I failed to look into my rear view mirror as I made a wide turn and almost ran into a speeding car (driven by what looked like a teenager). My heart skipped a beat, my stomach sank, and my knees shook. I said thanks to God for sparing me in spite of my carelessness. Heaving a deep sigh of relief and thanks, I backed up into my parking space, then smiled at the security guard who was staring at my car, probably wanting to see who this idiot driver could be (I had dark tint).
After the short errand, I found myself walking into National Bookstore. I wanted to ease my nerves and what better place than the bookstore (I know, I’m a bit of a geek). Looking for nothing in particular, I loitered around and then found myself standing in front the shelf labeled “Parenting”. Staring right at me was this book entitled, “(A Parents’ Guide To) Preparing Your Child For School”. It was affordable and it was exactly what I needed. I thought - Wow. God does hear my prayers. I grabbed it.
A minute later, I saw “Yoga Bliss (Simple and Effective Routines for Chilling Out)” for only 299.50. Whoa! Father, God, You’re too much! You’re spoiling me! I scanned through the pages; it had great pictures and was obviously written for tight-muscled beginners like me. It fit my budget so I grabbed it, too.
I then picked up an issue of Pinoy Whiz English Edition for me and hubby (it’s a new hobby of ours, very cheap at 15 pesos and quite fun, too). And then I chanced upon a lone copy of “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff Omnibus (special Edition – three books in one) by Richard Carlson” at only 375.00. Quite a bargain! All my purchases amounted to less than a thousand pesos. I was as happy as a kid let loose in a candy store.
I thought to myself how thoughtful and generous God really is. I did not plan these purchases. I did not plan walking into the bookstore. But He graciously led me to where I could find what I really needed. Other people might call this serendipity. To me it’s God’s provision, plopped right in front me and ready for the picking – like manna from heaven! Wow.
As if these weren’t enough, as I walked past the lonely corners of the store, I overheard what sounded like a mom and a little kid girl reading. I allowed my curiosity to take over my usually reserved self and approached them. The mom was pointing at numerous short words on an MSA reading guide and the little girl was reading – pak, pak, pak – at full speed. She was so little and I was very much impressed. Engaging the mom in conversation (I’m glad she didn’t run away from me), I learned that the kid was only four, that she learned how to read at home, and that she’s been reading since age 3. Wow. I have been thinking a lot of Wow’s this past hour.
I picked up a few of the reading guides after the lady and the little girl had left. With a teeny-weeny bounce in my step, I rushed to the cashier and paid for my purchases (thank God, again, for the patients He sent to me the day before).
I have an aversion to this A-word because it’s been used and abused, but God really is awesome! As in. Praise God.
For days, weeks now even, I have been concerned about finding a good school for our three kids. Our first application into a ‘good’ school (or so we’ve heard) was pretty traumatic for me. A week after the exam, I was handed letters that said they were sorry to inform me that my kid was not accepted because he/she did not meet their requirements. And they thanked me for taking interest in their school. BS! It was painful for me and my ego. And I felt sorry for the kids whom I knew were smart, and curious, and inquisitive but have been exposed for the past two years to a school curriculum which was “unconventional”. (Others called it “non-traditional”).
For about a week after that, I hustled from one school to another in between my clinic hours. I busied myself over ID pictures, and birth and baptismal certificates, and teacher’s recommendations forms. Once, I found myself crying while driving. Are they nuts? How can they not accept my son and daughter? They’re preschoolers, c’mon, give them a break!
Yesterday, after my clinic, I went on an errand for hubby. As I drove in the mall parking lot, I failed to look into my rear view mirror as I made a wide turn and almost ran into a speeding car (driven by what looked like a teenager). My heart skipped a beat, my stomach sank, and my knees shook. I said thanks to God for sparing me in spite of my carelessness. Heaving a deep sigh of relief and thanks, I backed up into my parking space, then smiled at the security guard who was staring at my car, probably wanting to see who this idiot driver could be (I had dark tint).
After the short errand, I found myself walking into National Bookstore. I wanted to ease my nerves and what better place than the bookstore (I know, I’m a bit of a geek). Looking for nothing in particular, I loitered around and then found myself standing in front the shelf labeled “Parenting”. Staring right at me was this book entitled, “(A Parents’ Guide To) Preparing Your Child For School”. It was affordable and it was exactly what I needed. I thought - Wow. God does hear my prayers. I grabbed it.
A minute later, I saw “Yoga Bliss (Simple and Effective Routines for Chilling Out)” for only 299.50. Whoa! Father, God, You’re too much! You’re spoiling me! I scanned through the pages; it had great pictures and was obviously written for tight-muscled beginners like me. It fit my budget so I grabbed it, too.
I then picked up an issue of Pinoy Whiz English Edition for me and hubby (it’s a new hobby of ours, very cheap at 15 pesos and quite fun, too). And then I chanced upon a lone copy of “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff Omnibus (special Edition – three books in one) by Richard Carlson” at only 375.00. Quite a bargain! All my purchases amounted to less than a thousand pesos. I was as happy as a kid let loose in a candy store.
I thought to myself how thoughtful and generous God really is. I did not plan these purchases. I did not plan walking into the bookstore. But He graciously led me to where I could find what I really needed. Other people might call this serendipity. To me it’s God’s provision, plopped right in front me and ready for the picking – like manna from heaven! Wow.
As if these weren’t enough, as I walked past the lonely corners of the store, I overheard what sounded like a mom and a little kid girl reading. I allowed my curiosity to take over my usually reserved self and approached them. The mom was pointing at numerous short words on an MSA reading guide and the little girl was reading – pak, pak, pak – at full speed. She was so little and I was very much impressed. Engaging the mom in conversation (I’m glad she didn’t run away from me), I learned that the kid was only four, that she learned how to read at home, and that she’s been reading since age 3. Wow. I have been thinking a lot of Wow’s this past hour.
I picked up a few of the reading guides after the lady and the little girl had left. With a teeny-weeny bounce in my step, I rushed to the cashier and paid for my purchases (thank God, again, for the patients He sent to me the day before).
I have an aversion to this A-word because it’s been used and abused, but God really is awesome! As in. Praise God.
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