Please spare me a moment to rant...

Am all alone at home, hubby, the kids and their ates are out-of-town swimming together with the in-laws to celebrate grandma’s birthday. I was tossing and turning the whole night because of an ugly, intermittently throbbing, left-sided headache. I could have come with them today but I desperately wanted to end this pain that has been dragging on and off for the past three days.

Don’t you just get tired of all this talk about my ailment? I know I do. But this offers my only respite. I exert the best effort to keep myself from complaining as much as I would’ve wanted to, to hubby or to my mom. Too much negative energy and whining makes me think Francis Kong’s joke (heard in one of his talks) may have been written for me: ‘Some people brighten up a room just by leaving it’.

My doctor had started me on a new drug last week. The headache still comes and goes but last Thursday, I was happy to tell hubby that I thought my tinnitus was becoming less loud, less intrusive. It was evident that hubby was very happy to hear this bit of news.

Sadly, this comforting phase didn’t last that long. We went to a friend’s son’s birthday party yesterday and the music was unbearably loud. Loud music + terrible speakers = torture to my ears. Even the other folks whom I assume weren’t suffering from ear conditions complained. I had no control over the situation. My ear plugs, aside from not doing much to mask the noise, left me feeling silly and self-conscious. I hid them back in purse a minute after I tried them on.

As we left the party, my headache worsened and dragged on into the night. My ears felt a bit ‘deaf’ and ‘full’, like a cup was being held over each of them. And my tinnitus reverted back into its loud, high-pitched, relentless state.

Back to normal.

Snap, snap, snap.

It seems like all I've really been doing since yesterday was to snap. I snapped at my kids. I snapped at my husband. I snapped at our kasambahays (helpers). It's sad that I have been using my illness as a sorry, worn-out excuse.

First things first: please allow myself to rant. I have been dealing with my tinnitus for more than a year now. The ENT I am currently seeing (my fourth one) is one of the best, if not the best, ear specialist in the country. But up until now, after months of medication and tests, we're still both stumped.

My CT scan has shown evidence of a problem (likely, congenital) in my right temporal bone. But a lot of questions have emerged since. Why does my tinnitus involve my left ear as well? Why do I get these bad, disabling, right-sided headaches that typically last for days? And why, after my doctor flipped and turned me almost violently in different directions during my check-up last week, does my left ear show signs of "weakness"? And yet the tinnitus, in both ears, remains... louder than ever. So many why's. Not enough answers.

And so many restrictions! A long list of things that include a lot of the things I love (or would have loved to do): No caffeine, therefore, no coffee nor chocolates. No yoga. No running nor jogging. No lifting nor pushing of heavy objects (which sadly,translates to no carrying of my kids and no grocery-shopping on my own). No stooping over (which means no more grass cutting in the garden). And no salty food though I've been allowed to get away with this last one since sodium levels have been slightly low.

My in-born propensity to snap has been aggravated by the fact that the doctor has switched my drug to something that is supposed to keep me from having headaches BUT would predispose me to weight gain, drowsiness, and depression. I'm thinking, great! They took away all my comfort things AND gave me the perfect excuse to feel sad and sleepy. 

END OF RANT.

But there have been countless blessings along the way. My husband goes out of his way to comfort me and cheer me up. (Just half an hour ago, he cooked fishball for me and the kids). My mom has been my fiercest prayer warrior. My one and only sister is one of my staunch supporters. My aunts. My mother-in-law. All of them have been continuously praying for me. And my kids... ah, the kids. I've yelled at them many times. I've been irritable and at times, have consciously chosen to stay in a room away from them to protect my ears from their high-pitched yelling. (My ears are pretty sensitive to noise, especially to high-pitched sounds AND countless occasions have proven that anger and irritation trigger my headache; just so you wouldn't think I'm being too mean, okay?). But they hug me and love me just as I am.

The youngest has her adorable way of cheering me up by moving her face close to mine and giving me her best smile, "Mommy, are you happy or sad? Happy?". The Big Girl gives me spontaneous hugs and 'I love you's almost every day. And Kuya plants his kisses on my cheeks and shows me his amazingly detailed sketches. 

Hubby, oh hubby. He takes charge of a lot of my usual chores especially when the symptoms become pretty bad or when he sees me in one of my depressed phases (that happens mostly after I've come from the doctor). He helps the kids with homework when I don't feel like doing it and he does this very patiently. He runs to the groceries to buy rice and what not. He cooks food that I particularly love simply because "I want you to be happy, hon". 

Today, I scolded my elder daughter. She was being whiney and was sulking. She hounded me since yesterday to get her a tiny pretty box from the bookstore, something to store her ring in. Hubby and I surprised her today, but instead of being pleased, she got envious of the other surprises for her siblings and failed to appreciate the box. I yelled at her and said "Ano ka ba, kahapon ka pa hingi nang hingi sa akin ng box tapos ngayon  na ibinigay ko na, hindi ka pa rin masaya. Ano pa ba ang gusto mo?".

I had to stop, almost mid-sentence, because... I could well be talking to myself. God must have grinned His mighty silly grin. and I shut up and thanked God for all my blessings.

My Perfectly Imperfect Garden

I just love my garden and all of its imperfections. My lop-sided topiaries cannot seem to decide whether they want to become spheres or cylinders (with flat tops and bottoms). The grass still has some bald patches. Despite my (and husband’s) diligent hours of transplanting the stray roots, the bare patches remain. They patiently wait for the nearby grass stalks to come creeping in. The gladiola blooms that looked grand a couple of days ago now rest withered on the ground – a beautiful reminder that life is short. Time need not be wasted.

Gardening Came To My Rescue

Those two weeks are finally over. Two weeks of joy-lessness, hopelessness and discouragement. After a tearful episode with mom and a lot of thinking over things, I have come to accept my condition. And acceptance, as circumstances later revealed, is the key to lightening one’s burdens. It was also a huge help that my loved ones (most especially hubby) and their closest friends were praying for me and giving support.

Which is not to say that I am actually better now. The tinnitus is still here and can be pretty loud and annoying still. Just this morning, I seem to have been awakened by its unusually high volume. But the headaches, oh… I used to have really bad headaches that go on for hours even days. I sleep on it and wake up still having it. Once, while driving home from L (3-hour drive), I just had to stop because the white flower and paracetamol were not working anymore. I had to stop the car and tried to relax, calm my nerves and collect my thoughts. It felt like had I failed to hang on the tiniest bit of self-control that was left, I would doze off on the wheel and end up, I don’t know, waking up elsewhere. I prayed hard, too and what kept me motivated was that Big Boy had to be brought to his Taekwondo classes. The headaches have markedly improved with my medication. Now I do end up with tingling sensations on my arms and legs, side effects of the drug.

Nowadays, few things give me joy and respite. Most of the calm comes from our garden. Every morning, the sight of the Gladiolas and their brightly-colored blooms tell me that life is beautiful. When I need to take my mind off my petty worries about the kids, or my SCDS, or my patients, I grab my shears and just cut the grass until my knees hurt. The weeds have become a wonderful outlet for my stress. Each bunch that I manage to successfully pull out (roots and all) gives me so much satisfaction, probably disproportionate but… hey, whatever makes one happy, right?

Strange as it may seem, my gardening has offered me insights into what has been happening to me. We always hear that God prunes us because He loves us. Now that I have my own bushes, I get it. When I look at the pretty, fresh sprouts, it is easy to just let them be. But my mind takes over and I say – “Plant, I love you but you really need to be pruned. This will make you healthier, and prettier, too. So, bear with me, okay? Soon, you will understand what I’m saying”.

And it is not just the mere act of cutting the grass or pruning or weeding that gives me joyful respite. It’s the whole experience. The clicking of my shears. The sweet smell of freshly-cut grass. The feel of the gentle breeze on my face. The warmth of the sun. The crisp feel of the carabao grass on my fingers. The feeling of one-ness with all the creepy little things that go about their business as I go about mine.

And then I find myself being embraced in a comforting feeling of immense gratitude. Gratitude for the living things and for the huge blessing of our home and garden. For years, I have lived in dormitories and my space was defined by a single lumpy bed and a closet and nothing else. I survived on fast food and queued for probably a total of a tenth of my student life (queue to the toilet, to the bathroom, to the pay phone, etc.). Look at us now. I… we have been greatly blessed. I am truly grateful.

On The brink

Living on the edge? No. These days it feels more like I’m living on the brink. On the brink of my sanity, that is.

Small Comforts

For the past two weeks or so, I have been suffering from bad headaches every day. I have been popping all sorts of pills and I worry about the ill effects these may have on my liver or kidney, most especially on my tinnitus. This worrying about the pills (among other things) could very well be the same fuel that feeds this vicious cycle.

Now I take the time to sit and pause to thank God for things – big and small – that comfort me, in spite of:

• the smell of fresh-cut grass
• the low-pitched, distant hum of the village keepers’ motorized grass cutter
• the sight of our plants, all healthy and well; they seemed to have adapted nicely to our little garden. One of the gladiolas have even managed to bloom into beautiful peach-colored flowers. After only a few days, the grass is in need of mending and the topiaries are begging to be trimmed. I hope to find the time later today after my clinic. Or maybe tomorrow. (Thursdays are my much-loved free day/errand day/drive-the-kids-to-after-school-activities-day)
• hubby who patiently takes over helping the kids out with the homework especially when I am tired or feeling more impatient than usual
• the little girl’s warm, tight bear hug… like she has totally forgiven me for having yelled at her last weekend
• my elder daughter’s pretty, sheepish smile
• ashtanga yoga – it gave me much happiness and comfort for the past two weeks (not to mention a terrible sore after the first session!); It required the discipline to drive myself to the yoga class after a long day at work but I never anticipated such huge pay-offs: it made me feel incredibly relaxed and fulfilled. It’s like my body and mind were thanking me for the much-needed break. Sadly, this has to be put off for now as I await my doctor’s clearance and advice
• my mom – the short sermons and bit of nagging are actually a solid source of comfort and reassurance for me.
• my cousin M who urged me to try yoga. Her short text messages were always a source of comfort for me, I can’t really say how or why

I have quite a few concerns on my mind but for now I choose to focus on these small comforts. I send a tiny thank you to God in heaven and trust that everything will go well as He has planned.

Three Things to Remembr in Life

1. Make God No. 1
2. Time is sacred
3. Live a balanced life

Addendum: Remember – all the saints were busy people! (Let us ask for the grace to always make God number 1 in spite of our busy lives)

- From Homily, Don Bosco 8:30 am Mass (must remember to get the priest’s name)