Plans are made. Then reality sets in.
No matter how much planning or anticipation one puts in, things are bound to get bumped by unforeseen circumstances. Weather. Heavy rains and floods, to be exact. Health. Other people. Lack of resources.
A wise person plans ahead. And an even wiser person makes plans AND is able to improvise as the need arises.
I remember when I was in high school, one of our school projects as freshman was to write a “Book of Myself”. Though a few of my classmates sneered at the idea (“tsismosa lang ‘yang teacher natin”), I embraced it. I loved writing about my loved ones, about the place I grew up in, about the friends I’ve left behind in the province, and… ahem, about myself.
Anyway, when my project was checked, the allegedly tsismosa teacher (whom, by the way, I loved and admired) wrote a short note on the first page. She wrote something positive (I forgot what it was). But what struck me the most was this piece of advice: Bend a little so you won’t snap.
My young heart did not get it. I had to ask my mom what she thought the teacher was trying to say. Now, as I grew up and have had my share of disappointments and failures in life, I know what she truly meant.
The mango tree is probably one of the sturdiest trees and largest trees I have ever seen. I remember my mom refusing my request to plant one in our garden when we moved to our own home. She said its roots burrow too deep and far into the ground and that it is able to demolish other plants, even concrete fences! But no matter how strong the tree may seem, when typhoons come, it can topple over, succumbing to very strong winds. Uprooted, it falls to the ground.
Not the lowly bamboo. It is thin, its stalk not as hard as the mango or narra. But when winds blow, the bamboo learns how to sway with the wind. It willingly bends and humbles itself through the storm. After the clouds have cleared, the bamboo emerges alive and victorious. Its resilience and pliability are the reasons why the bamboo is tough.
Many times, my ok-ok (read: obsessive-compulsive) self needs to keep this lesson in mind.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Oh, what great comfort!
10 September 2009
10:26 AM
Oh, what great comfort!
As usual, I find out that the things I’ve been fretting about were baseless and, therefore, useless.
The recent weeks were supposed to be the most relaxed and free weeks of my adult life. But instead of being happy and enjoying each moment, I felt pressured. I perceived my mother’s words of encouragement and gentle reminders as subtle ‘demands’ for me to start living up to my mission-slash-occupation. I felt that with each day that passed, I was slowly turning into a disappointment. Tamad. Tambay. Batugan.
I know, I know. Such harsh words. But you must understand… one of my biggest weaknesses is my tendency to condemn myself, and another equally-hard to beat trait is my penchant for being defensive. Plus, any indication that I might have displeased someone, anyone, more so a loved one, is enough to drag me down.
Earlier this morning, the short phone conversation my mother and I had was more than I needed to lift up my spirits. She alleviated my worries and fears. She reassured me that there was no need to stress and beat myself up for what actually is an imaginary, self-imposed deadline. She gave me a gentle reminder to tackle first things first and to prioritize. Any task accomplished was good. So long as I didn’t spend my days sitting on my butt.
That meant I can now afford to breathe, relax a bit, and focus on my upcoming research paper presentation and the equally important task of buying myself a decent outfit for my oath-taking. Good, good, good!
Hubby, on the other hand, has always been very supportive and, though I know he can use help, he never gave any indication that he wanted me to start working/earning ASAP. I am very blessed to have supportive and patient loved ones. I really am grateful. I need to make a mental note to myself to always strive to be the same to others.
10:26 AM
Oh, what great comfort!
As usual, I find out that the things I’ve been fretting about were baseless and, therefore, useless.
The recent weeks were supposed to be the most relaxed and free weeks of my adult life. But instead of being happy and enjoying each moment, I felt pressured. I perceived my mother’s words of encouragement and gentle reminders as subtle ‘demands’ for me to start living up to my mission-slash-occupation. I felt that with each day that passed, I was slowly turning into a disappointment. Tamad. Tambay. Batugan.
I know, I know. Such harsh words. But you must understand… one of my biggest weaknesses is my tendency to condemn myself, and another equally-hard to beat trait is my penchant for being defensive. Plus, any indication that I might have displeased someone, anyone, more so a loved one, is enough to drag me down.
Earlier this morning, the short phone conversation my mother and I had was more than I needed to lift up my spirits. She alleviated my worries and fears. She reassured me that there was no need to stress and beat myself up for what actually is an imaginary, self-imposed deadline. She gave me a gentle reminder to tackle first things first and to prioritize. Any task accomplished was good. So long as I didn’t spend my days sitting on my butt.
That meant I can now afford to breathe, relax a bit, and focus on my upcoming research paper presentation and the equally important task of buying myself a decent outfit for my oath-taking. Good, good, good!
Hubby, on the other hand, has always been very supportive and, though I know he can use help, he never gave any indication that he wanted me to start working/earning ASAP. I am very blessed to have supportive and patient loved ones. I really am grateful. I need to make a mental note to myself to always strive to be the same to others.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Where to? And how in the world do i get there from here?
Life has been great. After what seemed to be a slow creep, my career is about to be launched. I feel like a fledgling, perched on the nest’s edge, waiting for mother bird’s gentle nudge. I know my wings are ready. So many years have been spent strengthening them for the long flight. But now, as I get ready to take off, I tremble and feel a pang of fear.
Can I do it? Do I truly know which way to go? And when I finally am able to settle which direction to pursue… is it really what I want?
These are things I dare not share with others for fear of being ridiculed or accused of being a sloth. I dare not because I am not so sure if the ridicule and accusations really are untrue.
I feel this strong urge to do something on my own. I long to break free of structure, of the chains that bind me to my career. I envy people who are able to work from home and manage themselves. I long to be creative. To write as I want. To read as I want. To play music. To be read. And to be heard.
I feel envious of Leo Babauta (of Zen Habits and Write to Done) who is able to support his family because of the blogs he writes. He stays home most of the time and seems to be in utter control of his schedule. He runs. He lives the minimalist, uncluttered life. And best of all, he appears to be very happy with the life he has chosen to live.
I give myself time. I may be feeling this way only because starting out is never easy. And the easiest thing to do when one faces a brick wall of resistance is to turn back or change one’s directions. I ask the Lord for strength to climb past the big wall so that I can enjoy the green fields that lie beyond. And, if I am not meant to climb such, I ask for the grace to discern the direction I should take.
Countless articles have given this single important advice: to know which path to take, one has to know his best strengths. His talents and gifts. And so I pause, I ask myself, and once again, I am completely dumbfounded.
I do love to read but I cannot think of a way to earn from this love. I write but my capacity is far from being extraordinary; surely one cannot earn a living from writing such as this. I play the guitar and can shoot pictures, but my skills are not far better than the next Juan or Juana. What to do, what to do?
And then I think of all the years of preparation that brought me to where I am. Years of training, countless hours of hospital duty and out-patient clinics, research papers, presentations and lectures, and examinations. All amounting to significant time away from my loved ones. Time away from hobbies and personal pursuits. I guess I know now what I have been called to be and to do. I am called to become a doctor, an _____ist, a ______logist. To make sense of all the blood, sweat, prayers and countless buckets of tears that helped me through all of the difficulties, I have to be one. A good one.
What to do with this restlessness and feeling of lack of direction?
I pray to God. As I type this, I beg Him to take hold of my hand, let me not stumble, and show me the way.
Can I do it? Do I truly know which way to go? And when I finally am able to settle which direction to pursue… is it really what I want?
These are things I dare not share with others for fear of being ridiculed or accused of being a sloth. I dare not because I am not so sure if the ridicule and accusations really are untrue.
I feel this strong urge to do something on my own. I long to break free of structure, of the chains that bind me to my career. I envy people who are able to work from home and manage themselves. I long to be creative. To write as I want. To read as I want. To play music. To be read. And to be heard.
I feel envious of Leo Babauta (of Zen Habits and Write to Done) who is able to support his family because of the blogs he writes. He stays home most of the time and seems to be in utter control of his schedule. He runs. He lives the minimalist, uncluttered life. And best of all, he appears to be very happy with the life he has chosen to live.
I give myself time. I may be feeling this way only because starting out is never easy. And the easiest thing to do when one faces a brick wall of resistance is to turn back or change one’s directions. I ask the Lord for strength to climb past the big wall so that I can enjoy the green fields that lie beyond. And, if I am not meant to climb such, I ask for the grace to discern the direction I should take.
Countless articles have given this single important advice: to know which path to take, one has to know his best strengths. His talents and gifts. And so I pause, I ask myself, and once again, I am completely dumbfounded.
I do love to read but I cannot think of a way to earn from this love. I write but my capacity is far from being extraordinary; surely one cannot earn a living from writing such as this. I play the guitar and can shoot pictures, but my skills are not far better than the next Juan or Juana. What to do, what to do?
And then I think of all the years of preparation that brought me to where I am. Years of training, countless hours of hospital duty and out-patient clinics, research papers, presentations and lectures, and examinations. All amounting to significant time away from my loved ones. Time away from hobbies and personal pursuits. I guess I know now what I have been called to be and to do. I am called to become a doctor, an _____ist, a ______logist. To make sense of all the blood, sweat, prayers and countless buckets of tears that helped me through all of the difficulties, I have to be one. A good one.
What to do with this restlessness and feeling of lack of direction?
I pray to God. As I type this, I beg Him to take hold of my hand, let me not stumble, and show me the way.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Guilt and Pleasure
There are certain things about myself that I am neither proud of nor happy about.
For instance, I do not like how I get swayed so easily.
Yesterday, despite all the errands (groceries, things that I needed to buy for the kids, birthday present for hubby, etc), I was bent on going to St. Jude afterwards for our Thursday novena. I find myself at a fork in the road and am badly in need of guidance and help. Before I knew it, hubby and I found ourselves in the midst of a shopping frenzy. It was the start of a huge, 3-day, mall-wide sale and we were pleased to find a leather belt and a nice polo for him at great discounts. Initially, we decided to go to mass at a nearby chapel instead; later on, we thought maybe we’d just drop by and pay our Lord a visit. We ended up doing no one of these. Lesson: I should really do the more important things before anything else. As productivity gurus would say – move the big rocks first.
I also feel a twinge of guilt because I am loving my state of ‘jobless-ness”. I like being home. I like welcoming the kids when they come home from school. I love the way a whole day stretches on before me with no need for an itinerary. I am thrilled at the prospect of being able to pick up one of my books, whichever my heart desired. I feel guilty because I am enjoying this. Too much.
Hubby has been very supportive and tells me to take all the time I need to prepare for my practice. Mom, on the other hand… her anxiety is almost palpable whenever we talk over the phone about my plans (or lack of it). It’s as if she is too scared that I might be taking too much of my precious time, dilly-dallying instead of starting what I have been preparing myself for for years and years. Who can blame her?
I’d like to think that I know myself better. I force my mind to go back to the time when I was pregnant with our youngest and needed to go on bed rest for weeks. It was terrible. I never enjoyed it and I was more than eager to get off my butt and start doing meaningful, useful things with my time. But then again, everybody else wanted me to stay in bed. Though I always get myself in trouble because I try too hard to please everyone, there is also this rebellious streak that takes pleasure in doing the exact opposite of others expect me to.
I take one day at a time and try to refuse to worry. I have written down all the tiny, not necessarily easy, steps that need to get done before I can start my work. I wish I could just go straight to working right away without going through all the paper work and boring tasks that I very much despise. But of course, this is not the case. As a certain wise person said anonymously – All things are difficult before they are easy.
God sent me a gentle reminder today. Saint Paul says,
He did not say we are to use them if it isn’t too difficult or tiring or boring. We are to use them. Period.
For instance, I do not like how I get swayed so easily.
Yesterday, despite all the errands (groceries, things that I needed to buy for the kids, birthday present for hubby, etc), I was bent on going to St. Jude afterwards for our Thursday novena. I find myself at a fork in the road and am badly in need of guidance and help. Before I knew it, hubby and I found ourselves in the midst of a shopping frenzy. It was the start of a huge, 3-day, mall-wide sale and we were pleased to find a leather belt and a nice polo for him at great discounts. Initially, we decided to go to mass at a nearby chapel instead; later on, we thought maybe we’d just drop by and pay our Lord a visit. We ended up doing no one of these. Lesson: I should really do the more important things before anything else. As productivity gurus would say – move the big rocks first.
I also feel a twinge of guilt because I am loving my state of ‘jobless-ness”. I like being home. I like welcoming the kids when they come home from school. I love the way a whole day stretches on before me with no need for an itinerary. I am thrilled at the prospect of being able to pick up one of my books, whichever my heart desired. I feel guilty because I am enjoying this. Too much.
Hubby has been very supportive and tells me to take all the time I need to prepare for my practice. Mom, on the other hand… her anxiety is almost palpable whenever we talk over the phone about my plans (or lack of it). It’s as if she is too scared that I might be taking too much of my precious time, dilly-dallying instead of starting what I have been preparing myself for for years and years. Who can blame her?
I’d like to think that I know myself better. I force my mind to go back to the time when I was pregnant with our youngest and needed to go on bed rest for weeks. It was terrible. I never enjoyed it and I was more than eager to get off my butt and start doing meaningful, useful things with my time. But then again, everybody else wanted me to stay in bed. Though I always get myself in trouble because I try too hard to please everyone, there is also this rebellious streak that takes pleasure in doing the exact opposite of others expect me to.
I take one day at a time and try to refuse to worry. I have written down all the tiny, not necessarily easy, steps that need to get done before I can start my work. I wish I could just go straight to working right away without going through all the paper work and boring tasks that I very much despise. But of course, this is not the case. As a certain wise person said anonymously – All things are difficult before they are easy.
God sent me a gentle reminder today. Saint Paul says,
We all have different gifts that God has given to us by His loving-favor. We are to use them. – Romans 12;6
He did not say we are to use them if it isn’t too difficult or tiring or boring. We are to use them. Period.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
More on Decluttering
More on decluttering
It is not helpful at all times.
My last post brought back memories of my life in med school. Whenever I needed to study for a tough exam (that is practically, every single day), I find myself fixing things in my tiny space in the dorm room (I shared the room with three other people). I fix my bed. I wash my undies. I fix my closet. Finally, I stack my huge textbooks repeatedly and organize my notes, sorting them according to subject and/or priority, and I check my supplies of pens and highlighters. I then take a shower and fall fast asleep.
It is not helpful at all times.
My last post brought back memories of my life in med school. Whenever I needed to study for a tough exam (that is practically, every single day), I find myself fixing things in my tiny space in the dorm room (I shared the room with three other people). I fix my bed. I wash my undies. I fix my closet. Finally, I stack my huge textbooks repeatedly and organize my notes, sorting them according to subject and/or priority, and I check my supplies of pens and highlighters. I then take a shower and fall fast asleep.
Indecision and Decluttering
When I stand on the edge of a very important decision or a really difficult task, I find myself puttering about. I grab hold of my to-do list and set out to do the most mundane tasks. Simply put, the no-brainer to-dos get first pick. Next to praying and writing, this is the best way I know how to handle the stresses of my adult life.
One should never underestimate the peace brought forth by the act of decluttering. For the past week my mind has been a mish-mash of plans, options, endless possibilities. I do not know which way to go. I ask my loved ones. Though they mean well and wish the best for me always, their numerous suggestions sometimes leave me more confused than ever.
As I go through my piles of clutter (mostly paper), I weed out the irrelevant, the old, and the ones that can be easily retrieved should the need arise. Throwing things out turns into an act of purging. As I get rid of the trash that occupies much of valuable space in the room/house, I also begin to free myself of useless anxieties. Dusting off surfaces that have long been neglected, I clear out the negative thoughts and feelings that lurk in the deepest crevices of my mind.
Grinning to myself as I look on to my decluttered room and desk, I realize that I know now what to do.
One should never underestimate the peace brought forth by the act of decluttering. For the past week my mind has been a mish-mash of plans, options, endless possibilities. I do not know which way to go. I ask my loved ones. Though they mean well and wish the best for me always, their numerous suggestions sometimes leave me more confused than ever.
As I go through my piles of clutter (mostly paper), I weed out the irrelevant, the old, and the ones that can be easily retrieved should the need arise. Throwing things out turns into an act of purging. As I get rid of the trash that occupies much of valuable space in the room/house, I also begin to free myself of useless anxieties. Dusting off surfaces that have long been neglected, I clear out the negative thoughts and feelings that lurk in the deepest crevices of my mind.
Grinning to myself as I look on to my decluttered room and desk, I realize that I know now what to do.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Yin and Yang
I feel so stupid. How could I have let a really important deadline pass me by?
I am so ashamed of myself.
Now… deep breath. Forgive myself. Forget the past. Time to move on.
And before I forget… what a wonderful (long) weekend we had! Nothing beats time with the whole family (whole meaning mine, my sister’s, plus Mommy). Sharing yummy food. Watching the kids having fun - in the pool, chasing a tiny blue butterfly, or simply enjoying the moment. Happy, happy, happy!
I am so ashamed of myself.
Now… deep breath. Forgive myself. Forget the past. Time to move on.
And before I forget… what a wonderful (long) weekend we had! Nothing beats time with the whole family (whole meaning mine, my sister’s, plus Mommy). Sharing yummy food. Watching the kids having fun - in the pool, chasing a tiny blue butterfly, or simply enjoying the moment. Happy, happy, happy!
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