For the past two weeks or so, I have been suffering from bad headaches every day. I have been popping all sorts of pills and I worry about the ill effects these may have on my liver or kidney, most especially on my tinnitus. This worrying about the pills (among other things) could very well be the same fuel that feeds this vicious cycle.
Now I take the time to sit and pause to thank God for things – big and small – that comfort me, in spite of:
• the smell of fresh-cut grass
• the low-pitched, distant hum of the village keepers’ motorized grass cutter
• the sight of our plants, all healthy and well; they seemed to have adapted nicely to our little garden. One of the gladiolas have even managed to bloom into beautiful peach-colored flowers. After only a few days, the grass is in need of mending and the topiaries are begging to be trimmed. I hope to find the time later today after my clinic. Or maybe tomorrow. (Thursdays are my much-loved free day/errand day/drive-the-kids-to-after-school-activities-day)
• hubby who patiently takes over helping the kids out with the homework especially when I am tired or feeling more impatient than usual
• the little girl’s warm, tight bear hug… like she has totally forgiven me for having yelled at her last weekend
• my elder daughter’s pretty, sheepish smile
• ashtanga yoga – it gave me much happiness and comfort for the past two weeks (not to mention a terrible sore after the first session!); It required the discipline to drive myself to the yoga class after a long day at work but I never anticipated such huge pay-offs: it made me feel incredibly relaxed and fulfilled. It’s like my body and mind were thanking me for the much-needed break. Sadly, this has to be put off for now as I await my doctor’s clearance and advice
• my mom – the short sermons and bit of nagging are actually a solid source of comfort and reassurance for me.
• my cousin M who urged me to try yoga. Her short text messages were always a source of comfort for me, I can’t really say how or why
I have quite a few concerns on my mind but for now I choose to focus on these small comforts. I send a tiny thank you to God in heaven and trust that everything will go well as He has planned.
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Anytime. All The Time.
This is too funny. Things like these always happen in cycles. One can only manage to laugh knowing that everything always turns out for the better in the end.
Just ten days ago, I’ve written about how things were looking up and proceeded to enumerate the things I was really grateful for. Countless blessings! Now, I remain grateful… with just a few “concerns” (a.k.a. worries) in my mind.
I felt quite okay after my check up with the ear specialist and was, in fact, feeling more than fine that I dragged my aunt for some halu-halo and a little more chit-chat afterwards. When evening came, I began to feel distraught. By some unexplainable coincidence (?), I began to have tinnitus on my other ear, too. I remember very distinctly the exact moment when it happened. I was on my bed, right ear on the pillow, when I noted that my tinnitus on the left turned unusually loud. Then, I felt fullness on my left ear and it suddenly shifted to the right. This was followed by very loud tinnitus on my right. So I now have tinnitus on both ears. And it’s been like that ever since.
Hubby thinks it may all be related to stress, brought about my worrying after having spoken to Dr. C. He may be right. But this kind of reasoning is not easy to accept. It’s like saying that I brought this illness upon myself. Like I battered my brain enough for the thoughts to become real. As if I’ve willed my body to act this way; worse, with my consent.
Actually, Dr. C.’s advise sounded very logical, very intelligent, and somehow, encouraging. Get the ear tests done. Have the CT scan done (just to make sure that there’s no tumor and to see whether I am at risk of having sudden permanent hearing loss). Take the vitamin B and give it two months. Come back with the results and we’ll see.
Things have become a bit more complicated because… I have reason to believe that I may be pregnant. We’ve been keeping things “under control” for years; our youngest will be turning four in a couple of months. But we may have been not careful enough this month. And everyone knows how “fertile” we can get.
Hubby has been laughing off my worries about our being pregnant. In fact, he has been very relaxed and “un-worried” about the whole thing. But this morning, I got a glimpse into the inner workings of his heart when he very casually mentioned that he has decided to cut down on some of our expenses.
Instead of the original plan of buying two new LCD TVs (one for the den and the other for our bedroom), we’ll be buying just one (for our bedroom). We can then settle for our old one (currently at the repair shop) for the den. We won’t be buying a new sala set yet as this can wait. And then he said, “Baka mahaba pa ang gamutan mo. Ayoko nang kokonti ang cash na hawak natin”.
Yesterday, I had a bad case of what seemed like an intestinal flu. I tossed and turned on my bed the night before because of intermittent gnawing epigastric pain. I thought it may be hyperacidity caused by incessant worrying. Morning came and I had 3 explosive episodes of diarrhea and suffered from crampy on and off tummy ache the whole day. I vaguely remembered suffering from the exact same thing during the first few weeks of my pregnancy with our youngest.
Today, I felt a little better, still with some tummy ache though (until now, as I write). When I walked into my clinic, the first thing I noticed was the intolerable, noxious odor of my secretary’s perfume. I thought to myself – bago kaya pabango n’ya? And then tonight, I barely touched my dinner. It was adobo. The dish that I very much detested during my pregnancies. All three of them. Now hubby’s worried.
To add to this list, this morning, our yaya who’s been with us for the past 2 months said that she’d be leaving tomorrow morning. Hubby was irked; he wanted at least a month’s notice, enough time for us to look for a replacement. I was mad, too, thinking of all the work that needs to be done because of our move to our new home (in two weeks!). But part of me (a bigger part of me) felt relieved as this particular yaya has been getting of my nerves for weeks! Wala nang ginawa kundi tumambay sa kapitbahay. Plus a serious attitude problem. Frankly, I’d be very happy to see her off. I hope our other favorite yaya does not abandon us. I called on my Tita A and tomorrow she is coming to our rescue. Ever-reliable. As my other tita said after I thanked her profusely, “Anytime. All the time.” Beautiful words. Like music to my heart.
Once again, I just scoop up all of these concerns and throw them up in the air… away with all my worries and issues. God cares for me. God cares for us. Anytime. All the time.
Just ten days ago, I’ve written about how things were looking up and proceeded to enumerate the things I was really grateful for. Countless blessings! Now, I remain grateful… with just a few “concerns” (a.k.a. worries) in my mind.
I felt quite okay after my check up with the ear specialist and was, in fact, feeling more than fine that I dragged my aunt for some halu-halo and a little more chit-chat afterwards. When evening came, I began to feel distraught. By some unexplainable coincidence (?), I began to have tinnitus on my other ear, too. I remember very distinctly the exact moment when it happened. I was on my bed, right ear on the pillow, when I noted that my tinnitus on the left turned unusually loud. Then, I felt fullness on my left ear and it suddenly shifted to the right. This was followed by very loud tinnitus on my right. So I now have tinnitus on both ears. And it’s been like that ever since.
Hubby thinks it may all be related to stress, brought about my worrying after having spoken to Dr. C. He may be right. But this kind of reasoning is not easy to accept. It’s like saying that I brought this illness upon myself. Like I battered my brain enough for the thoughts to become real. As if I’ve willed my body to act this way; worse, with my consent.
Actually, Dr. C.’s advise sounded very logical, very intelligent, and somehow, encouraging. Get the ear tests done. Have the CT scan done (just to make sure that there’s no tumor and to see whether I am at risk of having sudden permanent hearing loss). Take the vitamin B and give it two months. Come back with the results and we’ll see.
Things have become a bit more complicated because… I have reason to believe that I may be pregnant. We’ve been keeping things “under control” for years; our youngest will be turning four in a couple of months. But we may have been not careful enough this month. And everyone knows how “fertile” we can get.
Hubby has been laughing off my worries about our being pregnant. In fact, he has been very relaxed and “un-worried” about the whole thing. But this morning, I got a glimpse into the inner workings of his heart when he very casually mentioned that he has decided to cut down on some of our expenses.
Instead of the original plan of buying two new LCD TVs (one for the den and the other for our bedroom), we’ll be buying just one (for our bedroom). We can then settle for our old one (currently at the repair shop) for the den. We won’t be buying a new sala set yet as this can wait. And then he said, “Baka mahaba pa ang gamutan mo. Ayoko nang kokonti ang cash na hawak natin”.
Yesterday, I had a bad case of what seemed like an intestinal flu. I tossed and turned on my bed the night before because of intermittent gnawing epigastric pain. I thought it may be hyperacidity caused by incessant worrying. Morning came and I had 3 explosive episodes of diarrhea and suffered from crampy on and off tummy ache the whole day. I vaguely remembered suffering from the exact same thing during the first few weeks of my pregnancy with our youngest.
Today, I felt a little better, still with some tummy ache though (until now, as I write). When I walked into my clinic, the first thing I noticed was the intolerable, noxious odor of my secretary’s perfume. I thought to myself – bago kaya pabango n’ya? And then tonight, I barely touched my dinner. It was adobo. The dish that I very much detested during my pregnancies. All three of them. Now hubby’s worried.
To add to this list, this morning, our yaya who’s been with us for the past 2 months said that she’d be leaving tomorrow morning. Hubby was irked; he wanted at least a month’s notice, enough time for us to look for a replacement. I was mad, too, thinking of all the work that needs to be done because of our move to our new home (in two weeks!). But part of me (a bigger part of me) felt relieved as this particular yaya has been getting of my nerves for weeks! Wala nang ginawa kundi tumambay sa kapitbahay. Plus a serious attitude problem. Frankly, I’d be very happy to see her off. I hope our other favorite yaya does not abandon us. I called on my Tita A and tomorrow she is coming to our rescue. Ever-reliable. As my other tita said after I thanked her profusely, “Anytime. All the time.” Beautiful words. Like music to my heart.
Once again, I just scoop up all of these concerns and throw them up in the air… away with all my worries and issues. God cares for me. God cares for us. Anytime. All the time.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
More On My Tnnitus
Today, with the help of Tita J, I finally dragged myself to the ear specialist, Dr. C. I have been trying my best to ignore my tinnitus for the past 10 months. I tried to live with it with as little whining as possible (I have been barely successful with this one, hubby can attest to that).
I have finally managed to make time for it. I cancelled my clinic for today. After having spoken with Dr. C (for a long time), I am hopeful as she says there is 75% chance that she may be able to do something about it. It also dawned on me that Dr. C. is THE ear specialist, the ear “goddess” and I should have come to see her a lot sooner. For years she was one of only two doctors in the country doing cochlear implants.
These are the most important points I’ve gathered from the check-up:
• I should have continued taking mecobalamin for a long time. She has data to back it up. She did the study from which the data were gathered. And I should have taken it for two months.
• The hearing on my left ear (based on my hearing test done last week) is normal. But the hearing on my right ear (the “normal” ear) is slightly impaired. The tympanic membrane on my left though is slightly less pliant than the one on my right.
• And because I have tinnitus but normal hearing on my left ear, it makes the work-up and treatment more complicated. If my hearing were impaired, she would just prescribe a hearing aid with a mask for my tinnitus and that was it. Not true in my case.
• After she had learned that I was sensitive to loud, high-pitched sounds, she decided I needed to have a CT scan of my temporal bone done. This was to check whether there was any mass and to see if the base of the skull, the bone that separates my brain from my ear was too thin. It being too thin would put me at risk of breaking it and suffering from sudden, total, and permanent hearing loss. If it were too thin I would have to refrain from straining and strenuous activities such as running, lifting, etc. As she said those words, I felt the smile on my face gradually disappear.
• I could have benefitted from an MRI of the ear if it were done within the two months of the onset of my tinnitus/zoster oticus. It could have helped document any autoimmune inner ear inflammation. I asked, SLE? Not sure, but they have seen such autoimmune cases.
• I was advised to eliminate caffeine from my diet. Coffee, alcohol, softdrink of any kind. And less salt (horrors!). And I’m not so sure if I heard her right when she said artificial sweets.
• I asked if it could have been drug-induced? I had regular intake of ibuprofen and aspirin for my headaches. She said yes but that it was hard to say since almost all drugs available listed tinnitus as one of the side effects.
I will have the CT scan done as soon as I get my period. In the meantime, I will start taking my mecobalamin. And pray to God for healing.
I have finally managed to make time for it. I cancelled my clinic for today. After having spoken with Dr. C (for a long time), I am hopeful as she says there is 75% chance that she may be able to do something about it. It also dawned on me that Dr. C. is THE ear specialist, the ear “goddess” and I should have come to see her a lot sooner. For years she was one of only two doctors in the country doing cochlear implants.
These are the most important points I’ve gathered from the check-up:
• I should have continued taking mecobalamin for a long time. She has data to back it up. She did the study from which the data were gathered. And I should have taken it for two months.
• The hearing on my left ear (based on my hearing test done last week) is normal. But the hearing on my right ear (the “normal” ear) is slightly impaired. The tympanic membrane on my left though is slightly less pliant than the one on my right.
• And because I have tinnitus but normal hearing on my left ear, it makes the work-up and treatment more complicated. If my hearing were impaired, she would just prescribe a hearing aid with a mask for my tinnitus and that was it. Not true in my case.
• After she had learned that I was sensitive to loud, high-pitched sounds, she decided I needed to have a CT scan of my temporal bone done. This was to check whether there was any mass and to see if the base of the skull, the bone that separates my brain from my ear was too thin. It being too thin would put me at risk of breaking it and suffering from sudden, total, and permanent hearing loss. If it were too thin I would have to refrain from straining and strenuous activities such as running, lifting, etc. As she said those words, I felt the smile on my face gradually disappear.
• I could have benefitted from an MRI of the ear if it were done within the two months of the onset of my tinnitus/zoster oticus. It could have helped document any autoimmune inner ear inflammation. I asked, SLE? Not sure, but they have seen such autoimmune cases.
• I was advised to eliminate caffeine from my diet. Coffee, alcohol, softdrink of any kind. And less salt (horrors!). And I’m not so sure if I heard her right when she said artificial sweets.
• I asked if it could have been drug-induced? I had regular intake of ibuprofen and aspirin for my headaches. She said yes but that it was hard to say since almost all drugs available listed tinnitus as one of the side effects.
I will have the CT scan done as soon as I get my period. In the meantime, I will start taking my mecobalamin. And pray to God for healing.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Silliness and Shame
It shames me that I dare to feel and think this way when everything in life is going well. Everyone in the family is healthy (save for my tinnitus). There is food on the table. There are two sets of helping hands. Our new house is almost done. And all are at peace.
This past week brought with it feelings of emptiness and discontent. As silly as it may sound, I am fraught with worry that because everything is going very well, something really terrible is bound to happen. It will pounce on me like a sharp-toothed predator and leave me stunned. Will I die a sudden death in a car crash? Will someone in the family fall seriously ill? This feeling of dread leaves me drained of happiness and energy. Knowing how crazy it all is makes it even doubly hard. How silly can a supposedly educated person get?
This past week brought with it feelings of emptiness and discontent. As silly as it may sound, I am fraught with worry that because everything is going very well, something really terrible is bound to happen. It will pounce on me like a sharp-toothed predator and leave me stunned. Will I die a sudden death in a car crash? Will someone in the family fall seriously ill? This feeling of dread leaves me drained of happiness and energy. Knowing how crazy it all is makes it even doubly hard. How silly can a supposedly educated person get?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Oasis
Ah, finally. Some quiet time. One enjoys this moment, sitting at the desk with no sound but the whir of the electric fan blades.
Since the yayas have unexpectedly left on Valentine’s day, I have become too busy that the lines that separate one day from the next have become a blur. I am thankful that one of the yayas has come back about two weeks ago. Still, I found myself constantly moving from one activity to the next, driving from one place to the another, able to keep still only for the duration of the few minutes between the time I lay my head on my pillow and the moment I fall asleep. So far my alone and “quiet” time has been the hours I spent driving to and from my clinic/s south of Manila.
And it’s not even because I have a thriving practice. In one of my clinics, patients have been few and far between. Referrals have been rare… like rain during this season of El Nino.
One tries to keep the optimism and to remain hopeful. Still, concerns can feel like a heavy rock tied around my heart, weighing me down.
At the risk of sounding hypocritical, I must say that it isn’t just about money. Not that I don’t need it! Thankfully though, hubby’s work has been far more reliable. For years,he has been keeping our family well-fed and sheltered.
It is about the need for certain things that money cannot buy. The need for things like… fulfillment. The feeling of being wanted and needed. The need for reassurance that one’s decision has been right all along despite the many objections and criticisms from closest loved ones and friends. The right field. The right place. The right choice.
It feels like passing through an arid desert. No stream lies in sight. The thirst, no matter how hard one tries to ignore, has become almost unbearable. But I trudge on knowing that ahead of me lies the oasis that has been promised.
Since the yayas have unexpectedly left on Valentine’s day, I have become too busy that the lines that separate one day from the next have become a blur. I am thankful that one of the yayas has come back about two weeks ago. Still, I found myself constantly moving from one activity to the next, driving from one place to the another, able to keep still only for the duration of the few minutes between the time I lay my head on my pillow and the moment I fall asleep. So far my alone and “quiet” time has been the hours I spent driving to and from my clinic/s south of Manila.
And it’s not even because I have a thriving practice. In one of my clinics, patients have been few and far between. Referrals have been rare… like rain during this season of El Nino.
One tries to keep the optimism and to remain hopeful. Still, concerns can feel like a heavy rock tied around my heart, weighing me down.
At the risk of sounding hypocritical, I must say that it isn’t just about money. Not that I don’t need it! Thankfully though, hubby’s work has been far more reliable. For years,he has been keeping our family well-fed and sheltered.
It is about the need for certain things that money cannot buy. The need for things like… fulfillment. The feeling of being wanted and needed. The need for reassurance that one’s decision has been right all along despite the many objections and criticisms from closest loved ones and friends. The right field. The right place. The right choice.
It feels like passing through an arid desert. No stream lies in sight. The thirst, no matter how hard one tries to ignore, has become almost unbearable. But I trudge on knowing that ahead of me lies the oasis that has been promised.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Oh, what great comfort!
10 September 2009
10:26 AM
Oh, what great comfort!
As usual, I find out that the things I’ve been fretting about were baseless and, therefore, useless.
The recent weeks were supposed to be the most relaxed and free weeks of my adult life. But instead of being happy and enjoying each moment, I felt pressured. I perceived my mother’s words of encouragement and gentle reminders as subtle ‘demands’ for me to start living up to my mission-slash-occupation. I felt that with each day that passed, I was slowly turning into a disappointment. Tamad. Tambay. Batugan.
I know, I know. Such harsh words. But you must understand… one of my biggest weaknesses is my tendency to condemn myself, and another equally-hard to beat trait is my penchant for being defensive. Plus, any indication that I might have displeased someone, anyone, more so a loved one, is enough to drag me down.
Earlier this morning, the short phone conversation my mother and I had was more than I needed to lift up my spirits. She alleviated my worries and fears. She reassured me that there was no need to stress and beat myself up for what actually is an imaginary, self-imposed deadline. She gave me a gentle reminder to tackle first things first and to prioritize. Any task accomplished was good. So long as I didn’t spend my days sitting on my butt.
That meant I can now afford to breathe, relax a bit, and focus on my upcoming research paper presentation and the equally important task of buying myself a decent outfit for my oath-taking. Good, good, good!
Hubby, on the other hand, has always been very supportive and, though I know he can use help, he never gave any indication that he wanted me to start working/earning ASAP. I am very blessed to have supportive and patient loved ones. I really am grateful. I need to make a mental note to myself to always strive to be the same to others.
10:26 AM
Oh, what great comfort!
As usual, I find out that the things I’ve been fretting about were baseless and, therefore, useless.
The recent weeks were supposed to be the most relaxed and free weeks of my adult life. But instead of being happy and enjoying each moment, I felt pressured. I perceived my mother’s words of encouragement and gentle reminders as subtle ‘demands’ for me to start living up to my mission-slash-occupation. I felt that with each day that passed, I was slowly turning into a disappointment. Tamad. Tambay. Batugan.
I know, I know. Such harsh words. But you must understand… one of my biggest weaknesses is my tendency to condemn myself, and another equally-hard to beat trait is my penchant for being defensive. Plus, any indication that I might have displeased someone, anyone, more so a loved one, is enough to drag me down.
Earlier this morning, the short phone conversation my mother and I had was more than I needed to lift up my spirits. She alleviated my worries and fears. She reassured me that there was no need to stress and beat myself up for what actually is an imaginary, self-imposed deadline. She gave me a gentle reminder to tackle first things first and to prioritize. Any task accomplished was good. So long as I didn’t spend my days sitting on my butt.
That meant I can now afford to breathe, relax a bit, and focus on my upcoming research paper presentation and the equally important task of buying myself a decent outfit for my oath-taking. Good, good, good!
Hubby, on the other hand, has always been very supportive and, though I know he can use help, he never gave any indication that he wanted me to start working/earning ASAP. I am very blessed to have supportive and patient loved ones. I really am grateful. I need to make a mental note to myself to always strive to be the same to others.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Where to? And how in the world do i get there from here?
Life has been great. After what seemed to be a slow creep, my career is about to be launched. I feel like a fledgling, perched on the nest’s edge, waiting for mother bird’s gentle nudge. I know my wings are ready. So many years have been spent strengthening them for the long flight. But now, as I get ready to take off, I tremble and feel a pang of fear.
Can I do it? Do I truly know which way to go? And when I finally am able to settle which direction to pursue… is it really what I want?
These are things I dare not share with others for fear of being ridiculed or accused of being a sloth. I dare not because I am not so sure if the ridicule and accusations really are untrue.
I feel this strong urge to do something on my own. I long to break free of structure, of the chains that bind me to my career. I envy people who are able to work from home and manage themselves. I long to be creative. To write as I want. To read as I want. To play music. To be read. And to be heard.
I feel envious of Leo Babauta (of Zen Habits and Write to Done) who is able to support his family because of the blogs he writes. He stays home most of the time and seems to be in utter control of his schedule. He runs. He lives the minimalist, uncluttered life. And best of all, he appears to be very happy with the life he has chosen to live.
I give myself time. I may be feeling this way only because starting out is never easy. And the easiest thing to do when one faces a brick wall of resistance is to turn back or change one’s directions. I ask the Lord for strength to climb past the big wall so that I can enjoy the green fields that lie beyond. And, if I am not meant to climb such, I ask for the grace to discern the direction I should take.
Countless articles have given this single important advice: to know which path to take, one has to know his best strengths. His talents and gifts. And so I pause, I ask myself, and once again, I am completely dumbfounded.
I do love to read but I cannot think of a way to earn from this love. I write but my capacity is far from being extraordinary; surely one cannot earn a living from writing such as this. I play the guitar and can shoot pictures, but my skills are not far better than the next Juan or Juana. What to do, what to do?
And then I think of all the years of preparation that brought me to where I am. Years of training, countless hours of hospital duty and out-patient clinics, research papers, presentations and lectures, and examinations. All amounting to significant time away from my loved ones. Time away from hobbies and personal pursuits. I guess I know now what I have been called to be and to do. I am called to become a doctor, an _____ist, a ______logist. To make sense of all the blood, sweat, prayers and countless buckets of tears that helped me through all of the difficulties, I have to be one. A good one.
What to do with this restlessness and feeling of lack of direction?
I pray to God. As I type this, I beg Him to take hold of my hand, let me not stumble, and show me the way.
Can I do it? Do I truly know which way to go? And when I finally am able to settle which direction to pursue… is it really what I want?
These are things I dare not share with others for fear of being ridiculed or accused of being a sloth. I dare not because I am not so sure if the ridicule and accusations really are untrue.
I feel this strong urge to do something on my own. I long to break free of structure, of the chains that bind me to my career. I envy people who are able to work from home and manage themselves. I long to be creative. To write as I want. To read as I want. To play music. To be read. And to be heard.
I feel envious of Leo Babauta (of Zen Habits and Write to Done) who is able to support his family because of the blogs he writes. He stays home most of the time and seems to be in utter control of his schedule. He runs. He lives the minimalist, uncluttered life. And best of all, he appears to be very happy with the life he has chosen to live.
I give myself time. I may be feeling this way only because starting out is never easy. And the easiest thing to do when one faces a brick wall of resistance is to turn back or change one’s directions. I ask the Lord for strength to climb past the big wall so that I can enjoy the green fields that lie beyond. And, if I am not meant to climb such, I ask for the grace to discern the direction I should take.
Countless articles have given this single important advice: to know which path to take, one has to know his best strengths. His talents and gifts. And so I pause, I ask myself, and once again, I am completely dumbfounded.
I do love to read but I cannot think of a way to earn from this love. I write but my capacity is far from being extraordinary; surely one cannot earn a living from writing such as this. I play the guitar and can shoot pictures, but my skills are not far better than the next Juan or Juana. What to do, what to do?
And then I think of all the years of preparation that brought me to where I am. Years of training, countless hours of hospital duty and out-patient clinics, research papers, presentations and lectures, and examinations. All amounting to significant time away from my loved ones. Time away from hobbies and personal pursuits. I guess I know now what I have been called to be and to do. I am called to become a doctor, an _____ist, a ______logist. To make sense of all the blood, sweat, prayers and countless buckets of tears that helped me through all of the difficulties, I have to be one. A good one.
What to do with this restlessness and feeling of lack of direction?
I pray to God. As I type this, I beg Him to take hold of my hand, let me not stumble, and show me the way.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Guilt and Pleasure
There are certain things about myself that I am neither proud of nor happy about.
For instance, I do not like how I get swayed so easily.
Yesterday, despite all the errands (groceries, things that I needed to buy for the kids, birthday present for hubby, etc), I was bent on going to St. Jude afterwards for our Thursday novena. I find myself at a fork in the road and am badly in need of guidance and help. Before I knew it, hubby and I found ourselves in the midst of a shopping frenzy. It was the start of a huge, 3-day, mall-wide sale and we were pleased to find a leather belt and a nice polo for him at great discounts. Initially, we decided to go to mass at a nearby chapel instead; later on, we thought maybe we’d just drop by and pay our Lord a visit. We ended up doing no one of these. Lesson: I should really do the more important things before anything else. As productivity gurus would say – move the big rocks first.
I also feel a twinge of guilt because I am loving my state of ‘jobless-ness”. I like being home. I like welcoming the kids when they come home from school. I love the way a whole day stretches on before me with no need for an itinerary. I am thrilled at the prospect of being able to pick up one of my books, whichever my heart desired. I feel guilty because I am enjoying this. Too much.
Hubby has been very supportive and tells me to take all the time I need to prepare for my practice. Mom, on the other hand… her anxiety is almost palpable whenever we talk over the phone about my plans (or lack of it). It’s as if she is too scared that I might be taking too much of my precious time, dilly-dallying instead of starting what I have been preparing myself for for years and years. Who can blame her?
I’d like to think that I know myself better. I force my mind to go back to the time when I was pregnant with our youngest and needed to go on bed rest for weeks. It was terrible. I never enjoyed it and I was more than eager to get off my butt and start doing meaningful, useful things with my time. But then again, everybody else wanted me to stay in bed. Though I always get myself in trouble because I try too hard to please everyone, there is also this rebellious streak that takes pleasure in doing the exact opposite of others expect me to.
I take one day at a time and try to refuse to worry. I have written down all the tiny, not necessarily easy, steps that need to get done before I can start my work. I wish I could just go straight to working right away without going through all the paper work and boring tasks that I very much despise. But of course, this is not the case. As a certain wise person said anonymously – All things are difficult before they are easy.
God sent me a gentle reminder today. Saint Paul says,
He did not say we are to use them if it isn’t too difficult or tiring or boring. We are to use them. Period.
For instance, I do not like how I get swayed so easily.
Yesterday, despite all the errands (groceries, things that I needed to buy for the kids, birthday present for hubby, etc), I was bent on going to St. Jude afterwards for our Thursday novena. I find myself at a fork in the road and am badly in need of guidance and help. Before I knew it, hubby and I found ourselves in the midst of a shopping frenzy. It was the start of a huge, 3-day, mall-wide sale and we were pleased to find a leather belt and a nice polo for him at great discounts. Initially, we decided to go to mass at a nearby chapel instead; later on, we thought maybe we’d just drop by and pay our Lord a visit. We ended up doing no one of these. Lesson: I should really do the more important things before anything else. As productivity gurus would say – move the big rocks first.
I also feel a twinge of guilt because I am loving my state of ‘jobless-ness”. I like being home. I like welcoming the kids when they come home from school. I love the way a whole day stretches on before me with no need for an itinerary. I am thrilled at the prospect of being able to pick up one of my books, whichever my heart desired. I feel guilty because I am enjoying this. Too much.
Hubby has been very supportive and tells me to take all the time I need to prepare for my practice. Mom, on the other hand… her anxiety is almost palpable whenever we talk over the phone about my plans (or lack of it). It’s as if she is too scared that I might be taking too much of my precious time, dilly-dallying instead of starting what I have been preparing myself for for years and years. Who can blame her?
I’d like to think that I know myself better. I force my mind to go back to the time when I was pregnant with our youngest and needed to go on bed rest for weeks. It was terrible. I never enjoyed it and I was more than eager to get off my butt and start doing meaningful, useful things with my time. But then again, everybody else wanted me to stay in bed. Though I always get myself in trouble because I try too hard to please everyone, there is also this rebellious streak that takes pleasure in doing the exact opposite of others expect me to.
I take one day at a time and try to refuse to worry. I have written down all the tiny, not necessarily easy, steps that need to get done before I can start my work. I wish I could just go straight to working right away without going through all the paper work and boring tasks that I very much despise. But of course, this is not the case. As a certain wise person said anonymously – All things are difficult before they are easy.
God sent me a gentle reminder today. Saint Paul says,
We all have different gifts that God has given to us by His loving-favor. We are to use them. – Romans 12;6
He did not say we are to use them if it isn’t too difficult or tiring or boring. We are to use them. Period.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Indecision and Decluttering
When I stand on the edge of a very important decision or a really difficult task, I find myself puttering about. I grab hold of my to-do list and set out to do the most mundane tasks. Simply put, the no-brainer to-dos get first pick. Next to praying and writing, this is the best way I know how to handle the stresses of my adult life.
One should never underestimate the peace brought forth by the act of decluttering. For the past week my mind has been a mish-mash of plans, options, endless possibilities. I do not know which way to go. I ask my loved ones. Though they mean well and wish the best for me always, their numerous suggestions sometimes leave me more confused than ever.
As I go through my piles of clutter (mostly paper), I weed out the irrelevant, the old, and the ones that can be easily retrieved should the need arise. Throwing things out turns into an act of purging. As I get rid of the trash that occupies much of valuable space in the room/house, I also begin to free myself of useless anxieties. Dusting off surfaces that have long been neglected, I clear out the negative thoughts and feelings that lurk in the deepest crevices of my mind.
Grinning to myself as I look on to my decluttered room and desk, I realize that I know now what to do.
One should never underestimate the peace brought forth by the act of decluttering. For the past week my mind has been a mish-mash of plans, options, endless possibilities. I do not know which way to go. I ask my loved ones. Though they mean well and wish the best for me always, their numerous suggestions sometimes leave me more confused than ever.
As I go through my piles of clutter (mostly paper), I weed out the irrelevant, the old, and the ones that can be easily retrieved should the need arise. Throwing things out turns into an act of purging. As I get rid of the trash that occupies much of valuable space in the room/house, I also begin to free myself of useless anxieties. Dusting off surfaces that have long been neglected, I clear out the negative thoughts and feelings that lurk in the deepest crevices of my mind.
Grinning to myself as I look on to my decluttered room and desk, I realize that I know now what to do.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
First Day Of The Rest Of My Life
Tomorrow marks the first day of the rest of my life.
I am scared. I worry that I would not be able to recall the things I’ve been reading and reviewing since the beginning of the year. I am scared of not making it. When fear takes its hold on me, I call on the Lord, and Mama Mary, and St. Paul and St. Jude. I think of all my friends and loved ones who promise to include me in my prayers.
Everything in the past seems to lead up to the big day. Everything that I have worked hard for, dreamed of, and hoped for.
And then I think of what to do after the exam, regardless of whether I make it or not. The possibilities are endless. I feel the excitement. I sense this freedom to do what I want and what I need. Just think… God empowers me so I can choose what to do next.
I can start setting up my practice, finally. I can start reading books - those that lay untouched on my shelves because reading them were not a priority. I can go to Power Books and browse freely… I can buy and read whatever interests me, with no pressure, no deadline, no exam to follow after. It’s so liberating!
I can spend more time with the kids, go out on more dates with hubby and with my sister. I can start picking up a new hobby as Mommy and I have planned (crocheting or knitting). I can write and blog to my heart’s content. I can start learning to cook some more. Sure, there are a few more conventions (and probably a paper presentation, if we get lucky) that wait to be attended… but I no longer worry about going on duty or living up to other people’s expectations and demands.
I cannot hide this silly smile on my face.
But first, back to my books for some last-minute cramming. ☺
I am scared. I worry that I would not be able to recall the things I’ve been reading and reviewing since the beginning of the year. I am scared of not making it. When fear takes its hold on me, I call on the Lord, and Mama Mary, and St. Paul and St. Jude. I think of all my friends and loved ones who promise to include me in my prayers.
Everything in the past seems to lead up to the big day. Everything that I have worked hard for, dreamed of, and hoped for.
And then I think of what to do after the exam, regardless of whether I make it or not. The possibilities are endless. I feel the excitement. I sense this freedom to do what I want and what I need. Just think… God empowers me so I can choose what to do next.
I can start setting up my practice, finally. I can start reading books - those that lay untouched on my shelves because reading them were not a priority. I can go to Power Books and browse freely… I can buy and read whatever interests me, with no pressure, no deadline, no exam to follow after. It’s so liberating!
I can spend more time with the kids, go out on more dates with hubby and with my sister. I can start picking up a new hobby as Mommy and I have planned (crocheting or knitting). I can write and blog to my heart’s content. I can start learning to cook some more. Sure, there are a few more conventions (and probably a paper presentation, if we get lucky) that wait to be attended… but I no longer worry about going on duty or living up to other people’s expectations and demands.
I cannot hide this silly smile on my face.
But first, back to my books for some last-minute cramming. ☺
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Yesterday, Teacher M asked to speak to us about our 4-year-old Ate. She told hubby na medyo maingay daw sa klase. And nahihirapan pa sa pagsulat ng pangalan n’ya. Nababaliktad (jumbled) yung mga letra. And she still stammers occasionally when she gets too excited (we almost do not see this at home anymore... a big improvement).
So we will try to be more diligent abut her practicing her writing. I noticed a couple months ago that she gets her letters mixed up; I was getting worried about dyslexia but friends say she’s too young to be expected to write her name consistently. (Kuya was an exception; his language skills lagged behind but his writing skills were far advanced).
After a few weeks of practice, if she still shows no improvement, we might have to do some serious intervention such as writing tutorial (care of a SPED or an OT... maybe at the center in Makati where she and her Kuya used to go for their speech therapy). If it still doesn’t work… and I hope we wouldn’t reach that point, we might have to get a professional help/evaluation.
So we will try to be more diligent abut her practicing her writing. I noticed a couple months ago that she gets her letters mixed up; I was getting worried about dyslexia but friends say she’s too young to be expected to write her name consistently. (Kuya was an exception; his language skills lagged behind but his writing skills were far advanced).
After a few weeks of practice, if she still shows no improvement, we might have to do some serious intervention such as writing tutorial (care of a SPED or an OT... maybe at the center in Makati where she and her Kuya used to go for their speech therapy). If it still doesn’t work… and I hope we wouldn’t reach that point, we might have to get a professional help/evaluation.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Let Me Not Falter
It takes all the courage and faith I can muster to keep myself from giving in to depression. It is so easy to allow myself to become gripped with fear.
This morning, as I lay in my hospital bed feeling dizzy, a colleague calls to ask if I wanted to join in the practice/preparation for the exam on Sunday.
Everybody’s preparing for the exam, I thought. And here I am, stuck in the hospital, stuck with constant tinnitus and vertigo. How can I possibly survive this?
This time, I remind myself to let go and let God. And keep in my mind all the loved ones and friends who so kindly offer prayers for my health and my exam. So, I move on, slowly, painfully… I try to read as much as my concentration will allow. Because of the constant buzzing in my ear, my attention span is as short as a two-year-old’s. I get swayed by the hissing, by the fullness in (and in between) my ears, and the seemingly constant sensation of motion and unsteadiness, much like the feeling one gets on a boat.
Here I go again, whining. Lord, please help me to be gracious about the situation I am in. Let me not falter. Allow this situation to bring out the best in me.
This morning, as I lay in my hospital bed feeling dizzy, a colleague calls to ask if I wanted to join in the practice/preparation for the exam on Sunday.
Everybody’s preparing for the exam, I thought. And here I am, stuck in the hospital, stuck with constant tinnitus and vertigo. How can I possibly survive this?
This time, I remind myself to let go and let God. And keep in my mind all the loved ones and friends who so kindly offer prayers for my health and my exam. So, I move on, slowly, painfully… I try to read as much as my concentration will allow. Because of the constant buzzing in my ear, my attention span is as short as a two-year-old’s. I get swayed by the hissing, by the fullness in (and in between) my ears, and the seemingly constant sensation of motion and unsteadiness, much like the feeling one gets on a boat.
“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way” (James 1:2–4).
Here I go again, whining. Lord, please help me to be gracious about the situation I am in. Let me not falter. Allow this situation to bring out the best in me.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Now, it has a name...
So. It looks like it’s Varicella Zoster Oticus. Finally, this ‘condition’ has a name. It’s been getting worse and it relieves me to know that there’s hope for it to resolve. But it worries me that I might not be well enough in time for the exam (just 9 days to go!).
I have been turning in my bed; couldn’t get to sleep. The ringing in my ear; the fullness; the dull, aching pain; and, the sharp pain on the pinna. Plus on and off hyposthesia on the left half of my face. Just resting my left ear on the pillow really hurts, too. Kahit nga rustle lang of air from the electric fan. Grabe.
The pain though provides some comfort because it keeps me from thinking too much. I simply can’t think.
After three hours of tossing and turning, I’ve decided… enough of this! I am going to take charge of the situation. So I got up, got myself some Becky’s brownies and a glass of water and started packing, just in case Dra. decides it’s better for me to receive the anti-viral intravenously. No use adding extra burden on the people here at home. For sure, with the yayas not coming back until Saturday, they will have their hands full.
I thank God for my mom who’s coming over early this morning to help us out with the kids. And for her driver who always makes himself available to Mommy - kahit last-minute. Of course, my Tita… seems like she has to spend her birthday with us and the three kulits. And hubby. Dear, dear hubby. Despite the demands and stress of his work, he always supports me and comforts me in every way possible.
I have been turning in my bed; couldn’t get to sleep. The ringing in my ear; the fullness; the dull, aching pain; and, the sharp pain on the pinna. Plus on and off hyposthesia on the left half of my face. Just resting my left ear on the pillow really hurts, too. Kahit nga rustle lang of air from the electric fan. Grabe.
The pain though provides some comfort because it keeps me from thinking too much. I simply can’t think.
After three hours of tossing and turning, I’ve decided… enough of this! I am going to take charge of the situation. So I got up, got myself some Becky’s brownies and a glass of water and started packing, just in case Dra. decides it’s better for me to receive the anti-viral intravenously. No use adding extra burden on the people here at home. For sure, with the yayas not coming back until Saturday, they will have their hands full.
I thank God for my mom who’s coming over early this morning to help us out with the kids. And for her driver who always makes himself available to Mommy - kahit last-minute. Of course, my Tita… seems like she has to spend her birthday with us and the three kulits. And hubby. Dear, dear hubby. Despite the demands and stress of his work, he always supports me and comforts me in every way possible.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Under Attack
Things have been quite crazy around here with hubby and the kids getting sick. Now, I finally get some quiet time as the whole household takes the afternoon nap. Quiet time, yes. Peace? I am not sure. When everything is quiet, it seems like the perfect time for me to finally concentrate and read and prepare for my upcoming exam. But it is during these silent times that this tinnitus in my left ear is at its loudest and highest frequency (pitch). Bearable but distressing. Now there is no one to keep me company but the hum of the fan and the hissing in my ear, I feel scared, threatened and bogged down by worry.
The little one fell ill this morning. Her lips were dry and hubby and I took turns giving her her sponge bath. It calmed her and put her to sleep. Thankfully, her fever subsided and she was able to eat her lunch and play a little afterwards. I can see that hubby was feeling quite distraught; I can sense, though he would never say so, some guilt on his part for having passed on the virus to the kids (he went on a trip to some other parts of Southeast Asia about a week ago. But of course, there is no one to blame here.
Also this morning, the sister of one of our nannies called to say that their mother has become very ill again. The mother was losing her sight and was unable to eat and get up from her bed. I had no hesitation about letting her go home if she wants to. But I was quite anxious about being left here with a sick household and an exam that is hurling itself towards me. This is the little one’s favorite nanny and when she’s sick she tends to be extra clingy, as all kids do. I may have to call up my trusty aunt again to ask for her help. I will have to do the cooking but that’s alright as long as I get an extra pair of hands to take charge of the kids.
Again, I was up and about until dawn because the tinnitus plus the steroids kept sleep at bay. As I was beginning to feel my lids getting heavy at past 3, I turned off the study lamp and placed the remote control on the desk. That’s when I felt that my study desk was dripping wet! It was raining hard but that was the first time my desk has ever gotten wet. Hubby and I were puzzled and couldn’t figure out where the water came from. I felt helpless and frustrated as I picked up my books and notes, especially my treasured hipster PDA. No, not “hi-tech”… it is actually nothing but a bunch of 3 x 5 index cards held together by a carabiner. But it held some of my important notes… it took a considerable amount of time and effort just to make notes that I needed to memorize for the exam. It also contained my time table - a list of must-reads for the remaining 2 weeks. Admittedly, I have become so obsessive-compulsive about these index cards of mine. They helped to keep me sane. And they were soaked. So there I was, scrambling about at the crack of dawn, oh-so carefully peeling off each card, one at a time. I was so distressed because some of my notes were written in pencil. I laid them one by one on a cardboard folder on top of the TV, making sure that they were still arranged in order. I opened my drawer and began to get my blank cards, and began to replace the ones that were too wet to save. I can see that hubby thought it strange to watch me sitting on the bed in the dead of night, working on a fresh batch of index cards using my single-hole puncher (“wow, meron ka pala n‘yan?”). It must have taken him some effort to keep from shaking his head at me and teasing me about my freakishness. And I appreciate that. Thankfully, the cards, aside from being a bit wrinkly, were salvageable. I was spared of the time it would have required for me to rewrite everything. You know I would (wink).
I got a little carried away with that story about the index cards. Anyway, it somehow felt like I was under attack. Even the other nanny said to me, as we were cracking the crabs and gathering the meat for lunch, “Ang sama po ng ating weekend ngayon, Ate.” But I refuse to be dragged down into the pits by these “little” inconveniences. As long as the kids get well soon, and hubby recovers his energy, I would be alright. Getting rid of this tinnitus would be a definite big help.
Lord, please help me. Konti na lang po at makakaraos na ako sa exam na ito. Wag N’yo po akong hayaang ma-challenge ng sobra-sobra kasi baka hindi ko kayanin. Alam ko You have the best plan laid out for me. Come to my rescue!
The little one fell ill this morning. Her lips were dry and hubby and I took turns giving her her sponge bath. It calmed her and put her to sleep. Thankfully, her fever subsided and she was able to eat her lunch and play a little afterwards. I can see that hubby was feeling quite distraught; I can sense, though he would never say so, some guilt on his part for having passed on the virus to the kids (he went on a trip to some other parts of Southeast Asia about a week ago. But of course, there is no one to blame here.
Also this morning, the sister of one of our nannies called to say that their mother has become very ill again. The mother was losing her sight and was unable to eat and get up from her bed. I had no hesitation about letting her go home if she wants to. But I was quite anxious about being left here with a sick household and an exam that is hurling itself towards me. This is the little one’s favorite nanny and when she’s sick she tends to be extra clingy, as all kids do. I may have to call up my trusty aunt again to ask for her help. I will have to do the cooking but that’s alright as long as I get an extra pair of hands to take charge of the kids.
Again, I was up and about until dawn because the tinnitus plus the steroids kept sleep at bay. As I was beginning to feel my lids getting heavy at past 3, I turned off the study lamp and placed the remote control on the desk. That’s when I felt that my study desk was dripping wet! It was raining hard but that was the first time my desk has ever gotten wet. Hubby and I were puzzled and couldn’t figure out where the water came from. I felt helpless and frustrated as I picked up my books and notes, especially my treasured hipster PDA. No, not “hi-tech”… it is actually nothing but a bunch of 3 x 5 index cards held together by a carabiner. But it held some of my important notes… it took a considerable amount of time and effort just to make notes that I needed to memorize for the exam. It also contained my time table - a list of must-reads for the remaining 2 weeks. Admittedly, I have become so obsessive-compulsive about these index cards of mine. They helped to keep me sane. And they were soaked. So there I was, scrambling about at the crack of dawn, oh-so carefully peeling off each card, one at a time. I was so distressed because some of my notes were written in pencil. I laid them one by one on a cardboard folder on top of the TV, making sure that they were still arranged in order. I opened my drawer and began to get my blank cards, and began to replace the ones that were too wet to save. I can see that hubby thought it strange to watch me sitting on the bed in the dead of night, working on a fresh batch of index cards using my single-hole puncher (“wow, meron ka pala n‘yan?”). It must have taken him some effort to keep from shaking his head at me and teasing me about my freakishness. And I appreciate that. Thankfully, the cards, aside from being a bit wrinkly, were salvageable. I was spared of the time it would have required for me to rewrite everything. You know I would (wink).
I got a little carried away with that story about the index cards. Anyway, it somehow felt like I was under attack. Even the other nanny said to me, as we were cracking the crabs and gathering the meat for lunch, “Ang sama po ng ating weekend ngayon, Ate.” But I refuse to be dragged down into the pits by these “little” inconveniences. As long as the kids get well soon, and hubby recovers his energy, I would be alright. Getting rid of this tinnitus would be a definite big help.
Lord, please help me. Konti na lang po at makakaraos na ako sa exam na ito. Wag N’yo po akong hayaang ma-challenge ng sobra-sobra kasi baka hindi ko kayanin. Alam ko You have the best plan laid out for me. Come to my rescue!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Introducing my constant companion... tinnitus!
For the last twenty-four hours, I have been battling with this constant high-pitched ringing/hissing in my left ear. It sounds like the noise a microphone makes when it gets too close to the speaker. Or like those high-pitched, non-stop sounds certain bugs make in the dark. There’s also this sensation of fullness, pretty much like having a cup over my ear. When I get up from sitting or from bed, or when I make sudden motions with my head, I feel light-headed, similar to the sensation one gets when you’ve been in the ocean for too long and you get out of the water but still sense the waves gently pushing you back and forth. No… that’s much too pleasant. It feels more like the feeling I get after I’ve drunk more than 2 bottles of beer (or its equivalent).
I know it’s not that bad compared to what other people have to deal with. I am not in pain. I can still move around and am happy to stay independent in my daily chores. I still have my appetite, and it’s expected to, ahem, be ‘enhanced’ in the next couple of days because of the steroids I’m taking. Upon my sister and husband’s advice, I am forced to take the day off of my review and try not to stress myself, as studies have shown that Meniere’s can be stress-related (what illness isn’t, anyway?).
So, it sure is not life-threatening but it has forced me to move outside of my comfort zone and to rearrange some of my plans. After having spent almost 8 hours of ‘hard labor’ at the library yesterday, I was eager to do the same amount of studying today. No can do. The doctor has also advised me to limit my salt intake. Now, that is a tough one! Despite the odds, it is a resolve I intend to keep; a resolution I made after my sister and I had KFC hot and crispy for lunch (one last hirit!).
For now I have kept myself busy, typing and whining and trying my best to forget about the exam for a few more hours. I take a deep breath. And let go and let God.
I know it’s not that bad compared to what other people have to deal with. I am not in pain. I can still move around and am happy to stay independent in my daily chores. I still have my appetite, and it’s expected to, ahem, be ‘enhanced’ in the next couple of days because of the steroids I’m taking. Upon my sister and husband’s advice, I am forced to take the day off of my review and try not to stress myself, as studies have shown that Meniere’s can be stress-related (what illness isn’t, anyway?).
So, it sure is not life-threatening but it has forced me to move outside of my comfort zone and to rearrange some of my plans. After having spent almost 8 hours of ‘hard labor’ at the library yesterday, I was eager to do the same amount of studying today. No can do. The doctor has also advised me to limit my salt intake. Now, that is a tough one! Despite the odds, it is a resolve I intend to keep; a resolution I made after my sister and I had KFC hot and crispy for lunch (one last hirit!).
For now I have kept myself busy, typing and whining and trying my best to forget about the exam for a few more hours. I take a deep breath. And let go and let God.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Panic
I am panic-stricken. Woke up very late today after having watched TV last night. I took one look at my countdown and, suddenly, I am gripped with fear… 20 days to go. My mind wanders to lost time, all those wasted hours.
Now, I take one deep breath. I focus. I pray to God. I ask, no… beg, for forgiveness for all the wasted time and ask for help and enlightenment. One more exam. With God’s help, and the prayers of all my loved ones, I can do it. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Now, I take one deep breath. I focus. I pray to God. I ask, no… beg, for forgiveness for all the wasted time and ask for help and enlightenment. One more exam. With God’s help, and the prayers of all my loved ones, I can do it. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Missing Two Front Teeth
Today I realized that there really is no use worrying. None at all!
The girl was scheduled for her first dental extraction.
The dentist had to pull out her two front teeth. I was worried sick that she might cry or feel awful about having lost her teeth. I prepared her for the inevitable, “The dentist needs to take out the big germ and the sick tooth”.
When we got home and she woke up from her sleep, the Little One and I waited anxiously as the girl took the mirror from my hand and saw herself for the first time. I braced myself as she looked… and then she laughed out loud, saying “Look, I have no teeth!” Her little sister and I laughed out loud, too, as I sighed this big sigh of relief.
Later during the day, when her Dad asked how she was feeling, she gave him this big grin and said, “I look like a lola!”. Wish I could be as big a sport as she has been today.
Kids. Sometimes they do a better job of teaching us grown-ups than vice versa.
The girl was scheduled for her first dental extraction.
The dentist had to pull out her two front teeth. I was worried sick that she might cry or feel awful about having lost her teeth. I prepared her for the inevitable, “The dentist needs to take out the big germ and the sick tooth”.
When we got home and she woke up from her sleep, the Little One and I waited anxiously as the girl took the mirror from my hand and saw herself for the first time. I braced myself as she looked… and then she laughed out loud, saying “Look, I have no teeth!” Her little sister and I laughed out loud, too, as I sighed this big sigh of relief.
Later during the day, when her Dad asked how she was feeling, she gave him this big grin and said, “I look like a lola!”. Wish I could be as big a sport as she has been today.
Kids. Sometimes they do a better job of teaching us grown-ups than vice versa.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
TY, Lord
Lord, I thank You for always hearing my prayers, for always listening to our pleas.
I was worried about the ongoing reorganization in hubby’s company. He has always been very driven, goal-oriented, and ambitious. These are very good qualities that allow him to work well and give our family this comfortable life that we so enjoy. But I was afraid of a possible setback that might discourage him. His former boss was unhappy with his new assignment; it was sort of a ‘demotion’. I was fearful of what would happen if the same thing happens to him. Especially when he told me a few weeks ago that if he is put back in sales he will go back to law school and leave the company for good (after he’s done).
Yesterday, after his ‘interview’, he was hopeful that he might be given that regional marketing position that he’s been aiming for.
Today, he called me and said that one of the bosses has been sending ‘feelers’ through some other person about whether hubby would be interested in going back to sales. The market is huge and they need a guy who can deliver. I know hubby can do it. He’s good at what he does. It may be a kind-of demotion considering he’s been handling Southeast Asia BUT it’s a great opportunity for him to show them again what he’s got. Sabi nga nung former boss n’ya, “You can’t complain if they take away your white horse and give you a donkey. You just have to continue the journey and hope that they will give you back the horse later on.” Or something like that.
Thank You, Lord for touching hubby’s heart. I know it can only come from You through the Holy Spirit. I was very happy to hear him say that a sales position isn’t so bad as it would allow him to spend less time in the office and come home earlier. It would not require frequent traveling thus less time away from home. He said he can concentrate on building our home and eventually, enjoy it.
Thank You, Lord. Everything talaga has a reason and a purpose. Salamat po. I continue to pray for him as nothing has been confirmed yet. Ganun din po para sa aking career. It is not easy being at a crossroads but this is definitely much better than being at a dead-end.
I was worried about the ongoing reorganization in hubby’s company. He has always been very driven, goal-oriented, and ambitious. These are very good qualities that allow him to work well and give our family this comfortable life that we so enjoy. But I was afraid of a possible setback that might discourage him. His former boss was unhappy with his new assignment; it was sort of a ‘demotion’. I was fearful of what would happen if the same thing happens to him. Especially when he told me a few weeks ago that if he is put back in sales he will go back to law school and leave the company for good (after he’s done).
Yesterday, after his ‘interview’, he was hopeful that he might be given that regional marketing position that he’s been aiming for.
Today, he called me and said that one of the bosses has been sending ‘feelers’ through some other person about whether hubby would be interested in going back to sales. The market is huge and they need a guy who can deliver. I know hubby can do it. He’s good at what he does. It may be a kind-of demotion considering he’s been handling Southeast Asia BUT it’s a great opportunity for him to show them again what he’s got. Sabi nga nung former boss n’ya, “You can’t complain if they take away your white horse and give you a donkey. You just have to continue the journey and hope that they will give you back the horse later on.” Or something like that.
Thank You, Lord for touching hubby’s heart. I know it can only come from You through the Holy Spirit. I was very happy to hear him say that a sales position isn’t so bad as it would allow him to spend less time in the office and come home earlier. It would not require frequent traveling thus less time away from home. He said he can concentrate on building our home and eventually, enjoy it.
Thank You, Lord. Everything talaga has a reason and a purpose. Salamat po. I continue to pray for him as nothing has been confirmed yet. Ganun din po para sa aking career. It is not easy being at a crossroads but this is definitely much better than being at a dead-end.
Friday, April 24, 2009
I sit here on my study table with my MP3 player on, trying to shut out the sounds of Barney and of the kids. They want to be in the same room with me when I am home. I try my very best to concentrate but I am fraught with worry. My heart is filled with concerns. Lord, talo talaga ako pag namomroblema na ako masyado. Please help me learn to handle my anxiety, to deal with the realities of life well. I offer you this list of concerns that bug me and I humbly lay them down on Your feet:
I woke up, Lord, and saw my countdown before the exam. 80 days! I am currently reading my manual, and jump from the text to the manual and back, and my heart is filled with fear as sometimes, when I go back to things that I’m supposed to have read, it feels like I am seeing them for the first time. It feels like I do not remember a thing! And this fear and anxiety hide in the background of everything that I do. I try to focus on other things when I have to; I pretend not to see it but it is always there.
I worry about my unfinished research papers. It gives me this sick feeling in my stomach when I think of my unfinished work and each deadline that has gone past. Now, I really need to finish it by the first week of May. The pressure is coming on.
I worry about hubby’s work. This reorganization in their company makes things less settled than before, less unsure. I do not worry about Your provision, Lord, for You have always, always taken good care of us. I do worry about his career path. He is very much concerned about the direction his career path is heading to. Please lead him, Lord, to where You want Him to be.
I worry about Ate and her dental abscess.
I worry about the kids, in general. They’re watching too much TV, mainly because I let them. It gives me the chance to read in peace (with my earplugs on, of course, to block out all the bickering, fighting, and never-ending questions). It is so unhealthy. And I am always on edge, my patience runs thin because of all these useless worries and anxiety.
I worry about our household help. One is due to leave by the end of the month, and the other two have expressed their desire of leaving soon after.
I worry about sister’s pregnancy and her upcoming delivery. I come across all these medical problems in pregnancy during my review and I am gripped with fear.
I worry about starting my practice – the where, the when, and the how. I look around at colleagues and am happy for where they are now. Why do I have these feelings of inadequacy, like I feel that I cannot do what they do?
I worry about my nanny’s health, our messy home, the kids’ disheveled closets that need sorting. Worry, worry, worry. It’s beginning to wear me out, Lord.
Please accept these, Lord. I do not know what to do with them. Take charge of my life. Please pray for me, Mama Mary. Lord, thank You.
For when I am worried or upset
Be full of joy always because you belong to the Lord. Again I say, be full of joy!
Let all people see how gentle you are. The Lord is coming again soon.
Do not worry. Learn to pray about everything. Give thanks to God as you ask Him for what you need.
The peace of God is much greater than the human mind can understand. This peace will keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.
- Philippians 4:4-7
I woke up, Lord, and saw my countdown before the exam. 80 days! I am currently reading my manual, and jump from the text to the manual and back, and my heart is filled with fear as sometimes, when I go back to things that I’m supposed to have read, it feels like I am seeing them for the first time. It feels like I do not remember a thing! And this fear and anxiety hide in the background of everything that I do. I try to focus on other things when I have to; I pretend not to see it but it is always there.
I worry about my unfinished research papers. It gives me this sick feeling in my stomach when I think of my unfinished work and each deadline that has gone past. Now, I really need to finish it by the first week of May. The pressure is coming on.
I worry about hubby’s work. This reorganization in their company makes things less settled than before, less unsure. I do not worry about Your provision, Lord, for You have always, always taken good care of us. I do worry about his career path. He is very much concerned about the direction his career path is heading to. Please lead him, Lord, to where You want Him to be.
I worry about Ate and her dental abscess.
I worry about the kids, in general. They’re watching too much TV, mainly because I let them. It gives me the chance to read in peace (with my earplugs on, of course, to block out all the bickering, fighting, and never-ending questions). It is so unhealthy. And I am always on edge, my patience runs thin because of all these useless worries and anxiety.
I worry about our household help. One is due to leave by the end of the month, and the other two have expressed their desire of leaving soon after.
I worry about sister’s pregnancy and her upcoming delivery. I come across all these medical problems in pregnancy during my review and I am gripped with fear.
I worry about starting my practice – the where, the when, and the how. I look around at colleagues and am happy for where they are now. Why do I have these feelings of inadequacy, like I feel that I cannot do what they do?
I worry about my nanny’s health, our messy home, the kids’ disheveled closets that need sorting. Worry, worry, worry. It’s beginning to wear me out, Lord.
Please accept these, Lord. I do not know what to do with them. Take charge of my life. Please pray for me, Mama Mary. Lord, thank You.
For when I am worried or upset
Be full of joy always because you belong to the Lord. Again I say, be full of joy!
Let all people see how gentle you are. The Lord is coming again soon.
Do not worry. Learn to pray about everything. Give thanks to God as you ask Him for what you need.
The peace of God is much greater than the human mind can understand. This peace will keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.
- Philippians 4:4-7
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