Beautiful Morning

I feel light and happy this morning because it’s Thursday, my day off! Well, it’s not exactly rest day. It’s more like an errand day for me but any break I can get away from the hospital or from my clinic makes me happy all the same.

Last night, for the first time since hubby had left for a week-long business trip last weekend, I had restful sleep. It felt good. It was a mere 5-hour sleep but my body felt recharged. Quality talaga over quantity. Dear Lord must have heard my prayers when I begged him to remove all fears lurking in my heart (and imagination).

I woke up early (yet 15 min later than what I had intended) and scrambled about in the kitchen to cook guisadong beans and carrots. Kuya’s teacher asked the class to bring nutritious food, good for sharing with 2-3 other people, in lieu of this week’s celebration of Nutrition Week. As I scooped the veggies into his lunchbox, I felt more pleased than harassed. A great way to start the day.

Things on my to-do list for today include:

• Doing some grocery shopping – I know, I know. It seems like I do this every week. One word - baon. Last-minute na kulang sa bahay (Have I mentioned we’ve moved to our new home and that is “liblib”? Walang suking tandahan within, I’d say, a 5-km radius). Haller. We cannot afford to run out of patis or kamatis. I do realize I need to get myself more organized to spare me a few more trips, equating to a few more liters of gas saved.

• Typing up some documents for work. (This was exactly what I intended to do as I opened up my laptop but here I am, talking to you).

• Sending these documents to their intended recipients by LBC.

• A quick run to the bank to deposit a couple of checks. “Mga barya” by other people’s standards but they are a product of my sweat and saliva, of times spent sitting in my clinic patiently listening to all sorts of patient troubles, so it gives me a real thrill whenever I deposit these checks.

• Drive my son to his Taekwondo class

• Perhaps I can afford some time for bookstore window-shopping (my third this week, ay caramba!)? Or maybe I’d be fortunate enough to find a Booksale?

• Most important but not necessarily the most urgent on my to-do list is to get right back to unpacking some of the boxes that are cluttered around the house. I’ve been meaning to but just didn’t have the discipline to do it. During the first few days here, I was running around, decluttering and fixing things like crazy. Seems I’ve sunk comfortably into my new place and have lost my momentum. Hmmm.

It still amazes me how much more I am able to do here compared to when we still lived in the Metropolis. It’s like having been gifted with a few more hours every single day. It used to feel like all I ever did was wake up, rush to work and commute for hours, see a few (or none) patients, commute back for another couple of hours, rest a while, eat, then zonk out to sleep. Then it’s another day.

Here, even on days when I do have clinic, I am still able to help the kids with homework, do a few errands (like yesterday, I dropped by the market, just a block from work, and bought some fruits and vegetables, and ordered a birthday cake for the Little Girl’s upcoming birthday [4 years old, can you believe it?]) and still indulge in short but sweet periods of activities I loved to do most – I did some needle-work (cross-stitching) for half an hour and leisurely read a book for another half hour.

Ah, the joys and pleasures of a fledgling physician! They say it takes two years to build up one’s practice before one gets swamped with patients. Right now, I can’t complain. I am enjoying every minute of it.

Dearest A,

Driving to L_____ this morning gave me much time to pause and think. I realize how increasingly difficult it has become to discipline our three kids. Each has his or her own unique personality, and for reasons that are still unclear to me, they seem to put on their worst behavior whenever we are around. An attempt at catching our attention? Probably.

I also thought about what happened last night when the kids were noisily playing on our bed and they woke you up from your sleep, causing you to kick the Big Boy’s toys off the bed. I know you did not mean to do it. Please bear with me as I share with you some of my thoughts. I admit I am far from being a patient mother myself. Just an hour before that incident, I threw the empty alcohol bottle to show how displeased I was that Little One played with and wasted my stuff again. I have huge planks in my eye that need to be weeded out. I write this because we are a team. And as a team, our aim is to raise and love our kids the best way we can.

I found the incident a very sad moment. When the toys flew off of the bed and landed on the floor, the Big Boy did not show any change in the expression on his face. He had spent a considerable amount of time arranging those toys to make them look like a ship… you know how fond he is of building things. After the incident, he neither showed anger nor hurt, not even surprise. I found it very sad that he simply went about picking up his toys and rearranging them as if having toys thrown off beds was a most natural and ordinary occurrence in our home.

You and I both work very hard to give them the best and most comfortable life we can give. Sometimes, it makes us too tired to listen to their tiny and mundane concerns and, I speak for myself here hon, I admit that most days it is easier to just lie in bed and read my book or Facebook than to listen or spend time with them. You’re better off as I can see your effort in taking time to read them storybooks. I am guilty and today I pray to the Lord that He would send all the help we need so we can be the parents that He has meant us to be. As I’ve read somewhere, no amount of success can compensate for failure in the home. If I become a successful ______gist but turn out to be a bad mother, I would consider my life a complete waste. May God bless us both and teach us always. I love you so much.

K

Mindlessness

I finally got around to doing the groceries. Yesterday, I felt a sharp pang of guilt as I reached for our coffee canister only to find it empty. More so when I wanted to make some milk for the kids at breakfast and was told by our kasambahay, “Ate, wala na rin po”. Ayayay, what kind of a mother am I? Too busy the whole week and spent my free time working on frustrating and utterly useless crossword puzzles… honestly, spending bucks on booklets of puzzles to torture myself? Please remind me to smack myself on the forehead. Not to mention my mindless FB-ing (a.k.a. Facebook-ing)… aaargh.

This morning as I drove towards home from the supermarket, my youngest and I got entangled in a huge traffic jam. It was a beautiful morning, and I was proud because the little one was very much behaved. The jam was terrible and I had gotten pretty irked and allowed no one to drive past me. Sisingit-singit ka d’yan, gitgitan to the max! Thank heavens I was spared from a dent or scratch but as I sat there I thought to mysef – goodness, what creature have I turned myself into? How could I have turned from this neophyte driver whose armpits were drenched with sweat despite the airconditioning and who took much care and prayed with every turn and into this impatient, wreckless, arrogant witch? And in such a short span of time! Aaaack! Another smack on the forehead.

Enough! More mindfulness! More patience! More cool! Praise God for loving me in spite of.

Things are looking up.

It’s been eight days since the yayas have left without any warning. I’ve mopped floors and washed dishes and clothes and packed away toys and cooked and uncluttered and bathed kids and ironed clothes and just worked myself to bits. I yelled a lot and spanked some. My back ached. Thankfully, the kids watched TV for a couple of hours early this evening while hubby cooked. It afforded me some shut-eye.

Now I sit here at my desk and try to will myself to work on my upcoming lecture, thanks to hubby’s prodding/yelling. It’s okay. Everybody’s tired.

Tomorrow, the other (better) yaya is coming back. We managed to convince her to conquer her fear (of us) and work again to pay off the 2 weeks worth of salary she has taken in advance. I pray that she decides to stay. I pray for strength to forgive her and to move on.

Tomorrow, things will get better.

My Mother

I am grateful for my mother. I am grateful for each visit, every hour spent with her. Not all encounters are happy. Sometimes I am hurt by words of criticism and correction. These are not always easy to swallow. But ultimately, each encounter makes me a better and wiser person. I pray to God I can be the same to my children.

Life is Short

I feel terribly sad when I think of the many times I have yelled and gotten mad at the kids this past week. They were getting on my nerves. All the yelling, the mess, the mundane demands that needed to be met ASAP. I was sick and tired.

Now I realize how truly sick I am to have let my selfish id rule over my mind and my heart. Time flies. The kids are growing up right before my eyes. In a few years, they would stop running to me, expecting me to help them with every whim. They would stop asking me to help them tie their shoelaces for the nth time.

I am truly sorry and now promise myself to start cleaning up my act. As an old classmate of mine posted on his Facebook status: "Life is very short... there is no time for BS".

I will love my kids more. I will love them. I will treat them with respect. I will treat them well.

Flowers. So soon.

A strange thing happened today. When the kids came home from school at noon, the yaya came up to me and said, “Ate, dalaga na po ang anak n’yo”. My first thought was… what? She had her menses?! Then she handed me a bouquet of 3 pink roses, in full bloom. Normally, the sight of flowers would have elicited feelings of happiness and pleasure. Definitely not this time. The next thing that came to my mind was - what the? I found this strange because the first ever bouquet of flowers I got was at age 22… and it had come from my now hubby.

Our 4-year-old is very pretty. I knew it the first time I laid eyes on her at the nursery the day after I had given birth. She had thick, shiny, dark hair; big, round eyes; and, very pink, dainty lips. Wish I could say she got these from me. She actually took after my mother. Mommy has always been a looker. I remember feeling elated when people say we look alike, and this did not happen very often. More often, I get - oh, you’re mom is prettier than you. My sister and I have gotten used to remarks like these and take no offense.

Anyway, I always knew our Little Girl would be breaking some hearts when she grows up. Countless times, I’ve teased her father about it, warning him, saying he better start bracing himself for the time when guys come knocking on the door because of his two daughters (I pray that that - knocking on the parents’ door - would be still the norm). But, one big BUT, I never thought that this would happen this soon! I thought, what in the world were this boy’s parents thinking? Apparently, the boy’s yaya told our yaya that last night, he cried and insisted that his parents bring him to the mall so he could pick flowers for our girl. And they did exactly that.

Trying my best to act as normally as possible, I told our Little Girl that the flowers were nice and matter-of-factly asked who the giver was. She said she didn’t know. She looked unhappy, even miserable. I asked why she was given flowers and she said she didn’t know. Minutes later, she told me that she was scared and didn’t want to go back to school. Why, did they tease you? She said no. The yaya said that as they stood outside the classroom and the boy came out, our Little Girl looked scared and pulled at her and said ‘Let’s go’.

It bothered me a bit that it affected her this way. Maybe the extra attention, the way she was being singled out, frightened her. But I am also quite relieved. Had she looked thrilled or flattered like a teenager, I would be pulling my hair right now and beating on my chest. Her reaction was a reminder to me that my girl is still the innocent baby that she’s always been. Minutes later, I heard her characteristic loud, hearty laugh from the other room; a cartoon cracked her up. Big sigh of relief.

There. I have gotten over it. Now, I can’t wait to see her Daddy’s face when he comes home tonight.

Pruning

We survived the day! ☺

Today… the past several days, actually… I underwent some much-needed pruning. (Yesterday, both of our yayas left for the province). These were days filled with many discoveries about myself, my family and kids, and my God.

No yayas. No cable TV (I just feel awful that I missed today’s very historic event - Tita Cory’s funeral… why did the cable service have to break down today of all days?). But we made it. I am not going to pretend that I breezed through it. But it is not as bad as I expected, as most things turn out.

I realized I kinda enjoy taking care of the kids’ needs. Cooking, feeding them, bathing them, getting their snacks ready, giving them their medications (isang damukal pa sa ngayon… eto medyo tough one kay bunxo). I always wondered what it must be like living abroad with no nanny. Parang imposible. Pero ngayon, I realize, kaya pala! One just needs some considerable amount of organization, planning, strategy, and maraming-maraming patience. I admit, I have been doing this only for the past 2 days so I cannot speak for the millions of women (or men) who do this on a daily basis. As in. Pero hindi imposible. If one were to do this day in, day out, there really has to be some provision, a set schedule, for some rest and alone-time. Kundi masisiraan ka ng bait.

It really helped that Tita A came at mid-morning. Though I did most of the chores during the day, she was there to attend to some of the kids’ tiny (and often, unreasonable) whims. That allowed me to stay sane and happy. Plus, her presence allowed me and hubby to take an afternoon nap; he came from the office for a meeting that lasted the whole morning and grabbed half an hour of sleep before another meeting (over the net, here at home). I also got a much-needed nap of a couple of hours. It allowed me to have the energy to run after the Little One during supper and for meds, and to wash the kids up… plus a million other things. Si Tita A din nag-mop ng floors bago s’ya maligo at mag-rest. Di siguro makatiis kasi nanlalagkit na sahig.

It still amazes me. While the 2 kids, hubby and Tita A went to Quirino Avenue to take a look at Cory’s funeral procession, I stayed behind with the Little One (who was taking a long nap). I thought I’d use some quiet time to study, read a few pages. But I got up and swept the floors. Grabe ipinawis ko. It felt really good. Sarap pawisan, lalo naramdam kong nagsisimula na ang pagtaba ko at bloatedness dahil sa steroids. When they came back, Ate said, "Mommy, I saw Daddy's friend, Tita Cory. She's dead". Kuya was not in a very good mood. I told him they were going to McDonald's to get fries - the only tactic I could think off to quickly pull him off the Little Einsteins DVD. I didn't want the kids to miss out on this piece of historic event. Hmmm, not a good tactic - lying to the kids (note to self).

After everybody had an afternoon snack of bread and pancit canton, Tita A and I fixed the kids’ beds, changed sheets. She swept the floor and I threw out their disgustingly dirty towels (ay, caramba! Ang mga yaya!) and replaced them with fresh ones. Supper was quite a challenge as usual. Hubby took care of feeding Kuya (who was a bit difficult today), Tita A fed Ate (she’s been very behaved… the best sa pag-inom ng gamot), and I of the Little One. Feeding the Little One involves a lot of cajoling, and chasing under the table… napapagtarayan ko na nga. But this is the first time ever that I felt, somehow… in control of the situation. I mean yung sa mga bata. Pag andito ang mga yaya, pag nagliligalig na sila, kailangan ko na ibigay sa kanila kasi either I am too tired or too lazy to deal with them or I really don’t know how else to handle them. Pero ngayon, I am beginning to take hold of the reins.

Si Little One, I’ve discovered, una-unahan lang pala. Kailangan at the first sight, first few minutes of a tantrum, medyo tataasan na ng boses and you have to remind her who the boss is around here. Once past that ‘critical’ phase, hay naku, there’s no more turning back. Her tantrum snowballs into one, big… basta. Matatabunan ka na lang. Medyo kamay na bakal dapat ang dating.

Kuya needs to be treated differently. Pag pinagalitan s’ya, basta any sign na displeased ka sa kanya, bad trip na s’ya at lalong nagmi-misbehave. Away kami ng away today ‘cause I refused to let him get away with things like deliberately pouring water on the table or playing with his cup during the meal. Iba s’ya. Dapat reverse psychology, inaamo-amo ng konti.

Si Ate, kailangan lang ng positive reinforcement. A lot of it. She behaves really well but needs to be trusted and to be praised. Yun lang pag meron s’yang demand, you have to learn how to negotiate. Buti nga mas nakakausap na s’ya ngayon. She is a very strong person, makusa, go-getter. Nakakatuwa. Kailangan lang tutukan pa.

Oh my, ako ba ito? Just a month ago, I saw on TV si Maricel Laxa-Pangilinan saying how her kids are very different. Kaya iba-iba daw ang approach. Pag nakakarinig ako ng ganun, I tend to be cynical… may konting resistance, as in… hay naku, eto na naman ang mga super moms na ito. Naiinis ako siguro kasi it reminds me of my weaknesses and shortcomings when it comes to motherhood… of how much more there is I need to learn. Ngayon, maski papaano at gaano kaliit, may nasasabi na din ako.☺

Saw the two kids’ schoolbags which have been left lying around for several days. It shocked me to find how terribly dirty those bags were. Naawa ako bigla sa mga bata. At napahiya ako sa sarili ko. Bigla ko naisip na nung bata ako napaka-suwerte ko at asikasong-asikaso ako ni Mommy. Naisip ko rin, ano kaya ang iniisip ng mga teachers nila, nakakahiya. Yung bag ni Kuya ang kalat-kalat ng loob at meron pang naiwan na pagkain. Ilang ulit na bilin ko na sa yaya to make sure walang food left in the bag every day. Wala pa rin. Yung kay Ate, susme, nanlalagkit na ang loob, pati raincoat nya kasi meron naiwan na natunaw na candy at meron pang cupcake na may kagat na ng daga. Grabe talaga. Pinaglalabhan ko nga.

As I scrubbed the bags, I felt a bit angry at the yayas for not taking care of these things. Naiinis ako at sabi ko kay Tita A, kalian kaya ako makakahanap ng mga yaya na efficient na hindi na kailangang pauli-ulit turuan. Pero I realized din naman na hindi ko talaga magagawa ang mga iba pang bagay na kailangang gawin (specifically, pagdo-doktor) na walanag tulong nila. At di ko naman matatawaran ang kanilang pagmamahal at concern sa mga bata. Trustworthy sila, di kagaya nung isang umalis nung May.., hay naku.

Biglang sabi ni Tita A na ang sinasabi daw lagi ni Daddy dati pag meron nagrereklamo tungkol sa maid, “Kaya nga katulong e, tutulong lang sila sa’yo. Magiging katulong ba naman ‘yan kung mas madami pang alam?” It struck me. (Two years after his death, meron pa rin ako natututunan kay Daddy). So as I rinsed the bags, I made a resolve to be more hands-on even with the little things. Kahit na nasabihan na ng ilang ulit ang mga yaya, kailngan nache-check. Nire-remind. Kino-correct. Ang mali ko ay yung I become too lazy to correct them kasi sa isip ko parati, baka umalis pa ay lalo akong mahirapan.

Medyo nakaka-miss lang si hubby kasi parating busy sa kusina ang isa sa amin or plakda/tulog habang may ginagawa ang isa. Di ko man lang nalalambing. Buti na lang mabait ang asawa ko at matulungin dito sa bahay. Salamat sa Diyos.

Hay. Kung puede lang na mag stay-at-home na lang ako. Okay lang sa akin. Pero di naman puede. Kanina, I was surprised to find hubby reading my book “Simplify Your Work Life”. He liked the idea of a 32-hour work week and I can sense him wishing his job were a bit more like that (his current, new role is quite demanding). Sabi ko sa kanya, ilang taon na sa akin ang libro na yan, gusting-gusto ko pero sayang kasi di ko naman ma-apply sa akin (after having spent years as a trainee working incredibly long hours). He said, sa'yo nga yan bagay kasi doktor ka. Kaya mong hawakan ang oras mo. I realized, oo nga. I have a choice! I can manage my time wisely. It doesn’t mean magpapaka-slacker ako sa pagdo-doktor pero at least yung maging reasonable ang clinic hours ko. Actually, I intend not to hold clinic on Saturdays, para sa pamilya naman. Masayang-masaya ako to hear it straight from hubby. I hope God would teach me/show me how to do it. After all, this is life. My family is my life. Sabi nga dun sa isang nabasa ko, “Life is not a dress rehearsal”. We cannot always be preparing for something that is to come. This is life!

Back to my health concerns… malakas pa din ang tinnitus ko. Extra loud sya today. Mabuti na lang at busy kaya tuloy hindi ko na lang napapansin minsan. Mawawala pa kaya ito? I just put my trust in God with regards to my exam and my health. Hinihiling ko pa rin na ipasa N’ya ako at alisin ang ingay sa tenga ko. Pero ayoko na masyadong ma-stress kasi hindi naman makakatulong at lalo lang akong nagiging miserable.

Ayoko lang ngayon etong lagi akong parang meron after taste in my mouth. Siguro epekto ng flu. At dahil din siguro sa dami ng gamot na iniinom ko. Parang mapait parati. Meron na din ako sipon (yellow, how apt). Which makes my ears feel even weirder kasi may tinnitus na sa kaliwa, meron pang aural fullness (dati pa), at nadagdagan pa ng iba pang klaseng fullness dahil sa sipon.

And I really, really miss coffee at maaalat na tsitsirya. Sorry, Lord ha, makulit ako. Unti-unting inaalis ni Lord yung mga gawain kong hindi healthy kasi alam N’ya na makakasama sa akin in the future. Hindi madali… para akong halaman na pinu-prune pakonti-konti. Inaalis ang mga patay na dahon o mga sangang wala sa tamang posisyon. Hindi talaga madali. But I just have to trust my Gardener na He knows what’s best for me. Para gumanda pa ang tubo ko, tuluyang yumabong, at tumibay ang ugat.

Too Much TV

I do realize now that I let the kids watch too much TV. Tonight, at the dinner table, I was asking my son how his day at school went. He refused to answer the query and said, “Later, Mommy. I will be right back”.

Things I learned over the long weekend

The earlier part of my day was filled with anger, hurt, resentment, and fatigue. I was anxious and lacked trust in God. I gave in to my proud, self-righteous self and it resulted in a confrontation that hurt the other person, and more so, myself.

A few hours after, I have started to speak to our nanny, albeit still a little cold and business-like. There are things I learned from what has transpired, not only today, but these past three days when the yayas were off and hubby and I were left to take care of the kids:

·It’s good to be left with the kids sometimes. Surely, it stretched my patience to its limits (and beyond) and mealtimes were never that easy. But we got to know them a little more and discovered their different quirks. We knew a little more of our children.
·The yayas are very important. No use kidding myself or being proud saying we can survive without them. We can’t! Heck, I am exaggerating a bit here; we can survive but it would be extremely tough for us and the kids. Parents who are tired and stressed and yelling all the time - not good!
·I learned how true it is, this thing that Mommy tells me. Sometimes it is better to be loving than to be right. I may think (or even know) that I am doing the right thing but being too puffed up does not always lead to happiness and peace. Sometimes, it’s better to be forgiving than to be right. To not sweat the small stuff.
·Having the in-laws over is never a bad thing. They are easy-going, kind people who are not very hard to please. They are family.
·One more thing: you’ll never know when a term, pregnant woman is going to give birth. Not even if her cervix has been 1 cm dilated for more than 10 days. There’s just no way of knowing. One learns to wait. And wait. And pray. And wait.

A bad parent

There are days when I feel like a failure as a parent. Today was one of those. Now, let’s not talk about days when I feel like a bad wife or else we’ll be talking the whole night.

And now for the excuses…

… I actually have none. The yayas went home for a break yesterday mid-morning. Yesterday was okay. Today was not. I yelled (a lot), I spanked some, and I rolled my eyeballs. I also walked out and threw things. Writing it down right now makes it even worse to me. It appears as though I am the preschooler having one of my worst tantrums. Hay. Will the kids ever forgive me? More importantly, will the kids ever forget?

I am a work in progress. Rather, I’m like one of those DPWH projects with a sign that says, “Caution: Men Working” when everyone sees and knows that no work is ever being done. It’s really bad. I want to run to the kids’ room right now and give each of them a kiss and really tight hugs. But that would wake them up and hubby might get mad ‘cause it took a while for him to make the kids go to sleep.

I feel stressed, tired, worried, and not happy. I am way behind my review timetable. The yayas did not come back today as they promised. My sister still has not given birth. As to my readings, I have been stuck in the same topic for the 3rd day today And tomorrow, my in-laws are coming over and hubby invited them to have breakfast here and I don’t know when the yayas are coming and so we have to prepare them a decent meal and the in-laws might see me at my worst. Heaven, help me! Lord, please come to my rescue. Please help me be a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter, a better daughter-in-law, a better employer, and a better student/examinee.

Anger Issues

At the risk of sounding evil or freaky, I have to say this: there are moments when I feel like I am about to explode. These are moments when I feel like a mad man (woman). I have anger issues and it scares me when during these moments, I get a glimpse into the minds of parents who hurt their kids or lock them up in a cold, dark dingy room.

During these dark, evil moments, I try my best to hold my tongue, stay more than a foot from the child (or better yet, call on hubby or the yaya to relieve me) and call on to Jesus and Mary… Lord, help me!

Happy Mothers' Day to all mothers!

No nice dinner, no card, no flowers for me. Hubby did buy me a pair of sandals last Thursday (actually, he paid for the sandals that I bought).

I did have a very fruitful Mother’s Day as I got to spend the whole weekend with the kids with no yaya. Bathed them, fed them, clothed them, put them to sleep. I admit I whined some, and snickered at hubby some. It can be so frustrating and tiring when the kids scream and bicker and refuse to eat. But in the end, it was well worth it as nothing feels better than caring for the kids first hand.

Missing Two Front Teeth

Today I realized that there really is no use worrying. None at all!

The girl was scheduled for her first dental extraction.

The dentist had to pull out her two front teeth. I was worried sick that she might cry or feel awful about having lost her teeth. I prepared her for the inevitable, “The dentist needs to take out the big germ and the sick tooth”.

When we got home and she woke up from her sleep, the Little One and I waited anxiously as the girl took the mirror from my hand and saw herself for the first time. I braced myself as she looked… and then she laughed out loud, saying “Look, I have no teeth!” Her little sister and I laughed out loud, too, as I sighed this big sigh of relief.

Later during the day, when her Dad asked how she was feeling, she gave him this big grin and said, “I look like a lola!”. Wish I could be as big a sport as she has been today.

Kids. Sometimes they do a better job of teaching us grown-ups than vice versa.

Loving in spite of

Today is a sad disappointment and a day of rejoicing.

Let me begin with the reason for rejoicing. Hubby got the position and job he wanted. His new boss seemed kind and easy to work with. Our prayers have been answered. It always feels good to get what you want.

This morning, the kids and I woke up early for their assessment and subsequent enrolment in their swimming lessons. At least that was what I was hoping for. I feel that I had prepared them enough, having explained things to them since two days ago. I tried my best to explain things the best and simplest way I can and reassured the boy (because he was more reluctant and the girl was very eager) that if he felt that he didn’t want the lessons yet it was going to be okay.

When we entered the hotel lobby, I had very high hopes as both seemed very impressed and the boy said, “Cool!” They were equally impressed with the pool. But they didn’t want to join in the group. They refused to talk to the teachers and even ran away from them every time they tried. They insisted on wanting to go to the lap pool (which was strictly off limits and very deep) and to the other areas of the pool which were beyond limits. I gave them an hour to feel their way in and adjust themselves to the situation. I figured maybe it was because the other kids were already in the middle of their sessions. So I waited until the earlier kids have left and the two were alone with the teachers. Still they refused to talk. Later on, three smaller kids who were part of the next class came in. My kids watched as the teachers introduced themselves to the new kids and vice versa. The kids who had just arrived sat down as instructed and before I knew it, they were putting their faces into the water, blowing bubbles and practicing breathing techniques. Effortless. In the meantime, I just let the two sit on the edge to let their feet get wet and to watch how cooperative the other kids were.

Later on, the nanny overheard the head teacher saying that the secretary should tell me that the kids are not ready and “sinasayang lang ang oras namin”(they are just wasting our time). It was good that the nanny told about it when we had already gotten home. It was painful to hear.

I felt disappointed that the kids are missing this chance to learn how to swim. I felt even sadder that my kids did not know how to make themselves fit in. I knew it was wrong to feel this way because it is never right to try to make a person fit into somebody else’s box. I love them dearly and love them unconditionally. If they’re not ready, there’s always next summer. But why… why do I feel terribly sad?

When we went home to my Mom’s for a few days of vacation, she said that our kids were brats who insisted on having their way. (She said it more nicely, though). It was a wake-up call and I knew I had to do something about it. That was two weeks ago. I brushed up on my reading… I have numerous books on child-raising, discipline, etc. I prayed hard to God and called on Mama Mary for help. But the more I try to discipline them, the more difficult they become and the harder I fail. These past two weeks I found myself yelling at them on a daily basis.

I guess no amount of book-reading can teach me how to become a mother. I just have to BE one. Every single day. And it’s not easy because I’m not so good at it!

Lord, teach me how to love, love, LOVE my kids. Grant me the patience that I need so badly. Teach me how to teach them. Teach me to appreciate each one of them and cherish the gifts that they have been given. Help me to accept their limitations and to go on loving them in spite of. And this last request is equally important: please teach me, Lord, to accept myself and love myself as well. In Jesus’ name, with the intercession of Mama Mary, I pray. Amen.

I sit here on my study table with my MP3 player on, trying to shut out the sounds of Barney and of the kids. They want to be in the same room with me when I am home. I try my very best to concentrate but I am fraught with worry. My heart is filled with concerns. Lord, talo talaga ako pag namomroblema na ako masyado. Please help me learn to handle my anxiety, to deal with the realities of life well. I offer you this list of concerns that bug me and I humbly lay them down on Your feet:

I woke up, Lord, and saw my countdown before the exam. 80 days! I am currently reading my manual, and jump from the text to the manual and back, and my heart is filled with fear as sometimes, when I go back to things that I’m supposed to have read, it feels like I am seeing them for the first time. It feels like I do not remember a thing! And this fear and anxiety hide in the background of everything that I do. I try to focus on other things when I have to; I pretend not to see it but it is always there.

I worry about my unfinished research papers. It gives me this sick feeling in my stomach when I think of my unfinished work and each deadline that has gone past. Now, I really need to finish it by the first week of May. The pressure is coming on.

I worry about hubby’s work. This reorganization in their company makes things less settled than before, less unsure. I do not worry about Your provision, Lord, for You have always, always taken good care of us. I do worry about his career path. He is very much concerned about the direction his career path is heading to. Please lead him, Lord, to where You want Him to be.

I worry about Ate and her dental abscess.

I worry about the kids, in general. They’re watching too much TV, mainly because I let them. It gives me the chance to read in peace (with my earplugs on, of course, to block out all the bickering, fighting, and never-ending questions). It is so unhealthy. And I am always on edge, my patience runs thin because of all these useless worries and anxiety.

I worry about our household help. One is due to leave by the end of the month, and the other two have expressed their desire of leaving soon after.

I worry about sister’s pregnancy and her upcoming delivery. I come across all these medical problems in pregnancy during my review and I am gripped with fear.

I worry about starting my practice – the where, the when, and the how. I look around at colleagues and am happy for where they are now. Why do I have these feelings of inadequacy, like I feel that I cannot do what they do?

I worry about my nanny’s health, our messy home, the kids’ disheveled closets that need sorting. Worry, worry, worry. It’s beginning to wear me out, Lord.

Please accept these, Lord. I do not know what to do with them. Take charge of my life. Please pray for me, Mama Mary. Lord, thank You.

For when I am worried or upset

Be full of joy always because you belong to the Lord. Again I say, be full of joy!
Let all people see how gentle you are. The Lord is coming again soon.
Do not worry. Learn to pray about everything. Give thanks to God as you ask Him for what you need.
The peace of God is much greater than the human mind can understand. This peace will keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.
- Philippians 4:4-7

Dental Woes

We brought Ate to a pediatric dentist today. Last night, her nanny showed us this huge, pink, moveable mass on the gum near her upper front tooth. I was alarmed because it looked like there’s a collection of pus underneath but I was puzzled because ate says there was no pain when I tried to touch it. She had no fever and ate a lot, too.

I was even more alarmed when the nanny, who just came back from a week-long vacation, told me she had noticed that before she left, only now it has grown bigger. I couldn’t bring myself to reprimand her for not telling us sooner. In my mind I tried to recall how many times I have brushed her teeth in the nanny’s absence and I knew the answer: zero. The other nannies did it. Sure, I cleaned her ears 3 to 4 times a week, and I prided myself in having bathed her about 3x while her nanny was away. But I never looked in her mouth. And she never complained. Sigh.

Turns out it was an abscess, indeed. And the front tooth below it was also moveable, thus the need for an extraction. My first thought was… oh no, Ate is so conscious about her appearance, I don’t want this to ruin her self-confidence. Dentist says it may take 3 to 4 more years before the permanent tooth comes out to take its place. Then, the dentist, probably seeing this look of concern on my face, started talking about the danger of spread of infection – meningitis, rheumatic heart disease – and inside, I slapped myself on the forehead and shouted, “Of course!”

Then the dentist started talking about this thing called “baby dentures” and she showed me pictures of her work. I must say I was impressed. She also said that it would cost about 6 thou (for the one, single tooth). My, my… hubby can take care of this. Silently, I thanked God for hubby’s job that allows us to make quick decisions about things like these that must be attended to ASAP.

All these happened after hubby had sat in the dental chair for his root canal. He needs to have it done on three nerves at 3,500 a pop. Whoa. Big bucks. Tonight, before I came upstairs to study I made sure I brushed and flossed my teeth well.

Ate was very brave about the whole thing. After a few seconds of hesitation, she eagerly sat on the dental chair and showed off her “circle” (that’s what she calls the round thing hanging out from her gum). Later on, I asked the dentist whether she thinks we needed to prepare Ate for the upcoming extraction. She said there was nothing to worry about as she was going to be sedated and was sure to remember nothing after the procedure. What I meant was whether she needed to know that the tooth is to come out, lest she throws a big tantrum once she discovers her missing tooth. That’s when the dentist told Ate about this need to remove the tooth and the worm on her tooth so that there won’t be anymore worms. And she bit it. That simple.

Tonight, when hubby came home from work, he said the dentist scheduled the extraction a week from now. And I thought they said it was urgent. I am a bit worried but I’m trusting they know they know what’s best.

This afternoon, the kids’ noise, demands, questions, and endless jumping on the bed wore me out. I decided to take a nap as they ate their early dinner ‘cause I wanted to eat with hubby and take some time to rest my eyes and my head.
As I lay down in bed, I kept tossing and turning because of Ate’s tooth. Worrying about it wore me out even more (naturally!). I know it’s time to tell Jesus to take over and take care of all my worries and concerns.

Family Time, Mommy Time

The family went out today, just the five of us. For the first time ever, we dined out with no nanny in tow. Hubby and I braced ourselves and said to each other that it’s about time. We made the kids take their afternoon naps and excitedly woke them up after more than 3 hours. As if preparing for battle, I gave them their snacks of milk and choco flakes, washed them up and prepared our armamentarium – extra clothes, water, biscuits, and plenty of wipes. After giving the kids a peptalk/orientation cum warning, we sent the nannies off for some free time and off we went!

Though it was a bit tiring and more stressful than our usual trips to the mall, hubby and I agreed that it was well worth it. It brought us great pleasure to hear the kids, all buckled-up and chatting away, at the back of the car. They teased, they sang. There was no whining, which was commonplace when their yayas were there to give in to most of their needs.

They enjoyed the arcade and played various games. Sure, there were a few mishaps but generally, everything went smoother than expected. It’s like they suddenly grew up and learned how to feed themselves, strap on their own backpacks, and wipe their messy faces. We went to the bookstore and let them pick a few affordable books (courtesy of cash gift from Grandma).

Dinner was a bit of a struggle with the youngest but we all enjoyed it. One practical bonus is that because there were less of us, we were able to pick a nicer restaurant than the usual fastfood chain. As we went up the stairs and the usher directed as to our seats, the two older kids oohed and ahhed, obviously impressed by the carpet and the nice view and ambiance. I was pleased and felt a tinge of guilt, too, when I realized hubby and I have gone there a few times but this was a first for the kids. The two older ones extremely enjoyed the salad, pizza, and pasta. Especially when they were told that these were the kinds of food that their “friends” Ina and Giada loved to prepare (that’s Ina Garten and Giada de Laurentiis for you, the Food Network chefs the kids adore). Sprinkling on the parmesan on their food was a big thrill for them! For me, hearing them say, “Kuya/Ate/Little One, please pass me the cheese”, was the biggest thrill.

I enjoyed the experience so much. I savored the moment, just holding their hands and trying to keep up with their litany of ‘why’s . It gave me a chance to directly take care of their needs. It gave me a chance to be… a mommy. There is nothing more fulfilling! It brought me so much happiness that I will try my best to be more hands-on from now on.

I thank God for this day. Mabait talaga S’ya (God is good, indeed). Yesterday, I felt like a failure as a mother. Today must have been His way of reassuring me, encouraging me, telling me that, “My daughter, You’re doing okay”.

Oops, I did it again

I flew off the handle. I asked the Little One to please throw this piece of plastic to the trash can just a few meters from her and she scurried away, looked at me and gave me her typical naughty grin as she stashed it behind the TV. Before I knew it, I was walking towards her and giving her two spanks on the butt. Those were NOT gentle spanks.

Where is this rage coming from? Why do I always, always have to struggle with my temper? I believe, deep down, I am a good person. I really and truly believe it. But why do I scare myself sometimes? One of my greatest fears is that one day I would become too angry that I would really, badly hurt my kids and there would be no one around to stop me. I have mentioned this in passing to my best friend but dared not share this with anyone else for fear of being judged and ridiculed.

Last night, I passed by the other kid while he was sleeping soundly and I saw that he had two big mosquito bites on his arm. I stopped what I was doing, got my vaporub, and gingerly applied it to his arm. How can I be both caring and motherly, with such a limitless love for my kids, and then have this angry streak? A range of emotions, all wrapped up in one person?

The Little One just smiled after I spanked her and pushed her out of my room. When I got downstairs after a few minutes to get myself a glass of cold water (actually, to see if she was okay), she came to me in her sweet baby voice and said sorry twice. I ignored her. I had to. Not only because I was proud ‘cause she realized she was wrong but more importantly, because I was too ashamed of myself and of what I have done to look at her in the eye. Inside, I so badly wanted to give her a hug.

Sometimes, I think that I am not made for motherhood. I probably was originally meant to be a spinster. Now, why am I here?

As I write this, I can hear the little one’s happy voice, singing playfully with the nanny downstairs as if none of this has happened. I envy the nanny. I think I am going nuts.

I do not worry about the physical pain I have caused. I do worry about the emotional and psychological wounds that I might have inflicted on my child. Lord, forgive me. Please help me. Come to my aid! I really cannot do this on my own.

Addendum:

What strikes me the most is that, no matter what, the kids are always happy to see me. Always. And they are always sad when I leave the house. I have so much to learn from them. God bless the little ones. Lord, bless me. Mama Mary, teach me.

Overheard

Ate: Mommy, why does Barney have no ears, ha? Why?
Me: Uhmm… (stumped)
Kuya: Because he’s a dinosaur!

Kids. They ask the simplest and toughest questions. And they give out the answers to these, too. Ba’t nga ba walang tenga ang tabachoy na dinosaur na yun?

Speaking of ‘tabachoy’, Kuya & I were going over some 3-letter words from a game that my friend gave the kids. When it came to ‘fat’ there was this drawing of a, well, a fat lady with very wide hips.
Kuya’s guess when it came to that picture: “Uhmm… hippo?”. I couldn’t help laughing.

By the way, we are guilty of making fun of Kuya’s difficulty speaking Tagalog. Yesterday, his dev ped said that it was high time we practiced his Tagalog since his English is now fluent. He would definitely need it for school (and I agree). He can comprehend but, unlike his little sisters who can easily switch from one to the other (most of the time), he has much difficulty expressing himself. I tell him – pag Tagalog ka kinausap, Tagalog ang sagot. This morning I asked him, “Asan mga kapatid mo?”. He paused, hesitated and then said, “In the other room po.” Funny that he thought adding a ‘po’ would make it Tagalog.

I got a wake up jolt though about how hard this really must be for him when his Dad asked him why he didn’t want to speak in Tagalog. He said, “Because I’m scared”. I felt sorry for him and remembered times when I was a little girl and got too scared of speaking in English for fear of making a mistake (and being laughed at). He hears us laughing at his mistakes. I know now that what we find amusing is actually embarrassing on his part. Poor thing! Hubby thinks we should continue to speak to him in English. I think we should start talking to him more in Tagalog but not force him nor pressure him into answering in Tagalog. Doing so might cause him to clam up, talk less, and we’ll end up where we started. Hay.