I still get a genuine kick out of living in our tiny suburban paradise. Peeking through our windows while the gentle breeze caresses me gives me joy.

Please spare me a moment to rant...

Am all alone at home, hubby, the kids and their ates are out-of-town swimming together with the in-laws to celebrate grandma’s birthday. I was tossing and turning the whole night because of an ugly, intermittently throbbing, left-sided headache. I could have come with them today but I desperately wanted to end this pain that has been dragging on and off for the past three days.

Don’t you just get tired of all this talk about my ailment? I know I do. But this offers my only respite. I exert the best effort to keep myself from complaining as much as I would’ve wanted to, to hubby or to my mom. Too much negative energy and whining makes me think Francis Kong’s joke (heard in one of his talks) may have been written for me: ‘Some people brighten up a room just by leaving it’.

My doctor had started me on a new drug last week. The headache still comes and goes but last Thursday, I was happy to tell hubby that I thought my tinnitus was becoming less loud, less intrusive. It was evident that hubby was very happy to hear this bit of news.

Sadly, this comforting phase didn’t last that long. We went to a friend’s son’s birthday party yesterday and the music was unbearably loud. Loud music + terrible speakers = torture to my ears. Even the other folks whom I assume weren’t suffering from ear conditions complained. I had no control over the situation. My ear plugs, aside from not doing much to mask the noise, left me feeling silly and self-conscious. I hid them back in purse a minute after I tried them on.

As we left the party, my headache worsened and dragged on into the night. My ears felt a bit ‘deaf’ and ‘full’, like a cup was being held over each of them. And my tinnitus reverted back into its loud, high-pitched, relentless state.

Back to normal.

Snap, snap, snap.

It seems like all I've really been doing since yesterday was to snap. I snapped at my kids. I snapped at my husband. I snapped at our kasambahays (helpers). It's sad that I have been using my illness as a sorry, worn-out excuse.

First things first: please allow myself to rant. I have been dealing with my tinnitus for more than a year now. The ENT I am currently seeing (my fourth one) is one of the best, if not the best, ear specialist in the country. But up until now, after months of medication and tests, we're still both stumped.

My CT scan has shown evidence of a problem (likely, congenital) in my right temporal bone. But a lot of questions have emerged since. Why does my tinnitus involve my left ear as well? Why do I get these bad, disabling, right-sided headaches that typically last for days? And why, after my doctor flipped and turned me almost violently in different directions during my check-up last week, does my left ear show signs of "weakness"? And yet the tinnitus, in both ears, remains... louder than ever. So many why's. Not enough answers.

And so many restrictions! A long list of things that include a lot of the things I love (or would have loved to do): No caffeine, therefore, no coffee nor chocolates. No yoga. No running nor jogging. No lifting nor pushing of heavy objects (which sadly,translates to no carrying of my kids and no grocery-shopping on my own). No stooping over (which means no more grass cutting in the garden). And no salty food though I've been allowed to get away with this last one since sodium levels have been slightly low.

My in-born propensity to snap has been aggravated by the fact that the doctor has switched my drug to something that is supposed to keep me from having headaches BUT would predispose me to weight gain, drowsiness, and depression. I'm thinking, great! They took away all my comfort things AND gave me the perfect excuse to feel sad and sleepy. 

END OF RANT.

But there have been countless blessings along the way. My husband goes out of his way to comfort me and cheer me up. (Just half an hour ago, he cooked fishball for me and the kids). My mom has been my fiercest prayer warrior. My one and only sister is one of my staunch supporters. My aunts. My mother-in-law. All of them have been continuously praying for me. And my kids... ah, the kids. I've yelled at them many times. I've been irritable and at times, have consciously chosen to stay in a room away from them to protect my ears from their high-pitched yelling. (My ears are pretty sensitive to noise, especially to high-pitched sounds AND countless occasions have proven that anger and irritation trigger my headache; just so you wouldn't think I'm being too mean, okay?). But they hug me and love me just as I am.

The youngest has her adorable way of cheering me up by moving her face close to mine and giving me her best smile, "Mommy, are you happy or sad? Happy?". The Big Girl gives me spontaneous hugs and 'I love you's almost every day. And Kuya plants his kisses on my cheeks and shows me his amazingly detailed sketches. 

Hubby, oh hubby. He takes charge of a lot of my usual chores especially when the symptoms become pretty bad or when he sees me in one of my depressed phases (that happens mostly after I've come from the doctor). He helps the kids with homework when I don't feel like doing it and he does this very patiently. He runs to the groceries to buy rice and what not. He cooks food that I particularly love simply because "I want you to be happy, hon". 

Today, I scolded my elder daughter. She was being whiney and was sulking. She hounded me since yesterday to get her a tiny pretty box from the bookstore, something to store her ring in. Hubby and I surprised her today, but instead of being pleased, she got envious of the other surprises for her siblings and failed to appreciate the box. I yelled at her and said "Ano ka ba, kahapon ka pa hingi nang hingi sa akin ng box tapos ngayon  na ibinigay ko na, hindi ka pa rin masaya. Ano pa ba ang gusto mo?".

I had to stop, almost mid-sentence, because... I could well be talking to myself. God must have grinned His mighty silly grin. and I shut up and thanked God for all my blessings.

On The brink

Living on the edge? No. These days it feels more like I’m living on the brink. On the brink of my sanity, that is.

Silliness and Shame

It shames me that I dare to feel and think this way when everything in life is going well. Everyone in the family is healthy (save for my tinnitus). There is food on the table. There are two sets of helping hands. Our new house is almost done. And all are at peace.

This past week brought with it feelings of emptiness and discontent. As silly as it may sound, I am fraught with worry that because everything is going very well, something really terrible is bound to happen. It will pounce on me like a sharp-toothed predator and leave me stunned. Will I die a sudden death in a car crash? Will someone in the family fall seriously ill? This feeling of dread leaves me drained of happiness and energy. Knowing how crazy it all is makes it even doubly hard. How silly can a supposedly educated person get?

Mindlessness

I finally got around to doing the groceries. Yesterday, I felt a sharp pang of guilt as I reached for our coffee canister only to find it empty. More so when I wanted to make some milk for the kids at breakfast and was told by our kasambahay, “Ate, wala na rin po”. Ayayay, what kind of a mother am I? Too busy the whole week and spent my free time working on frustrating and utterly useless crossword puzzles… honestly, spending bucks on booklets of puzzles to torture myself? Please remind me to smack myself on the forehead. Not to mention my mindless FB-ing (a.k.a. Facebook-ing)… aaargh.

This morning as I drove towards home from the supermarket, my youngest and I got entangled in a huge traffic jam. It was a beautiful morning, and I was proud because the little one was very much behaved. The jam was terrible and I had gotten pretty irked and allowed no one to drive past me. Sisingit-singit ka d’yan, gitgitan to the max! Thank heavens I was spared from a dent or scratch but as I sat there I thought to mysef – goodness, what creature have I turned myself into? How could I have turned from this neophyte driver whose armpits were drenched with sweat despite the airconditioning and who took much care and prayed with every turn and into this impatient, wreckless, arrogant witch? And in such a short span of time! Aaaack! Another smack on the forehead.

Enough! More mindfulness! More patience! More cool! Praise God for loving me in spite of.

Oasis

Ah, finally. Some quiet time. One enjoys this moment, sitting at the desk with no sound but the whir of the electric fan blades.

Since the yayas have unexpectedly left on Valentine’s day, I have become too busy that the lines that separate one day from the next have become a blur. I am thankful that one of the yayas has come back about two weeks ago. Still, I found myself constantly moving from one activity to the next, driving from one place to the another, able to keep still only for the duration of the few minutes between the time I lay my head on my pillow and the moment I fall asleep. So far my alone and “quiet” time has been the hours I spent driving to and from my clinic/s south of Manila.

And it’s not even because I have a thriving practice. In one of my clinics, patients have been few and far between. Referrals have been rare… like rain during this season of El Nino.

One tries to keep the optimism and to remain hopeful. Still, concerns can feel like a heavy rock tied around my heart, weighing me down.

At the risk of sounding hypocritical, I must say that it isn’t just about money. Not that I don’t need it! Thankfully though, hubby’s work has been far more reliable. For years,he has been keeping our family well-fed and sheltered.

It is about the need for certain things that money cannot buy. The need for things like… fulfillment. The feeling of being wanted and needed. The need for reassurance that one’s decision has been right all along despite the many objections and criticisms from closest loved ones and friends. The right field. The right place. The right choice.

It feels like passing through an arid desert. No stream lies in sight. The thirst, no matter how hard one tries to ignore, has become almost unbearable. But I trudge on knowing that ahead of me lies the oasis that has been promised.

Things are looking up.

It’s been eight days since the yayas have left without any warning. I’ve mopped floors and washed dishes and clothes and packed away toys and cooked and uncluttered and bathed kids and ironed clothes and just worked myself to bits. I yelled a lot and spanked some. My back ached. Thankfully, the kids watched TV for a couple of hours early this evening while hubby cooked. It afforded me some shut-eye.

Now I sit here at my desk and try to will myself to work on my upcoming lecture, thanks to hubby’s prodding/yelling. It’s okay. Everybody’s tired.

Tomorrow, the other (better) yaya is coming back. We managed to convince her to conquer her fear (of us) and work again to pay off the 2 weeks worth of salary she has taken in advance. I pray that she decides to stay. I pray for strength to forgive her and to move on.

Tomorrow, things will get better.

Indecision

You know what exhausts me the most? It’s not loads of work. It’s not traffic jams. It is INDECISION. Nothing can be more draining than mulling over a choice, especially if it entails choosing between good and good.

In my experience, it doesn’t have to be as life-changing as choosing one’s place of practice. Even mundane things such as which blouse to wear, or choosing whether I should go ahead with my errands today or tomorrow, never fail to zap me of my energy.

The thing becomes doubly hard when indecision is coupled with procrastination. Then it becomes much more of a burden. And guilt inevitably follows. And after I finally get to decide what to do, which to pick, or just to go ahead, jump in, and do whatever it is that needs to be done… the feeling of relief is so immense that I end up smacking myself on the forehead and saying, “So, it’s not that hard after all… silly me!”

New Year, New Hope

There’s something inspiring and truly refreshing about the New Year. It brings along hope for the future. It offers a fresh start.

Today, I am determined to leave behind past hurts and heartaches. I will move on and not let unfair treatment and abuse cause any more pain. Right now I pause and pray for one particular person. I forgive her, and then ask God to forgive me. I take this step. I continue to move on. Each step brings me closer to brighter days.

Past Tense

Lately, I’ve been having recurring dreams with themes centered on significant people in my past. I wonder why. Some were about these people having a great interest in sharing and living their lives with me. I, on the other hand, had an excuse for not being able to reciprocate such as being engaged to be married to someone else, or simply being uninterested.

After such dreams, I find myself spending the greater part of the day thinking about these people. How are they doing now? Are they living happy lives? Where are they?


When I allow myself to indulge in such thoughts, oftentimes I end up wondering about what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. What if I had the courage to show my feelings or, at least, show interest? What if I were able to conquer my self-consciousness and feelings of inferiority? What could have happened had I dared to make mistakes and risk breaking my heart in the process? Was the game of playing it safe worth it?


Such queries bear no answers and can be very tiring. Surely, these do not make positive contributions to my mental health. I stop. I take a deep breath. And I thank God for the great love that surrounds me every single day. I am grateful for such huge blessings too many to count.

Of Taxes and Anchovies

I am pissed off. Really pissed off.

I received a text message from my accountant, asking if I filed my ITR for 2008. She is in the process of registering my clinics. Without skipping a beat, I said I didn’t because I had been in training for the past four years with no pay. What she said next annoyed me to the max. She asked whether I didn’t practice during that time. What irked me the most was that it seemed like she herself doubted whether I really did not. Like she couldn’t and wouldn’t believe it. Is this the first time she’s met someone who’s had to train for many years before finally being able to start practice? I wonder.

For the past 6 weeks, I have been doing my best effort to get an accountant who can register me so I can have my receipts already. I had to give up on the first because apparently he was too busy and took days before he returning my text messages/calls. (He was a CPA/lawyer). Finally, I was referred to this one, a very nice lady, soft-spoken and efficient. But she doubted me and I’m pissed.

After years of toiling with no benefits, and working long hours, caring for poor patients with no decent wage, I get accused of tax evasion?! Ako ang mandaraya? C’mon! All I really want and need is to get those darn receipts and start my paying taxes already. Kaya wala tayong asenso. Instead of running after the big sharks (and there’s lots of them), people waste their time fussing over tiny anchovies like me.

But now that I think about it, can I blame her? Pag naglipana ang mga magnanakaw at mandaraya, ang hindi gumagawa ng masama ang nagmumukhang suspechoso. People are jaded. Siguro sa dami ng mga negosyo-slash-doktor-slash-establismyento na dala-dalawa ang libro e nagmumukha nang norm. Bwiset talaga. How do I prove to her/them na wala talaga akong trabaho at pinapagkakitaan noon? Na for the past so many years ay palamunin ako ng butihin kong asawa (actually hanggang ngayon). Dapat bang idineclare ko ang kakarampot na stipend na pinaghirapang ipamalimos ng mga boss para sa amin mula sa mga drug company? Karampot na stipend na inaabot ng 4 hanggang 8 buwan bago namin makuha? Stipend yun e, sabi ng mga kasama ko, therefore tax-free. Pathetic. Grrr...

On The Bus

Nothing makes me happier than looking at idyllic scenery. Mountains. Soft, wispy clouds amidst light blue sky. Green rice fields that stretch on and on. They remind me of how great it is to be alive.

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Sometimes errands and to-do lists suck the joy out of every day. I jump from one to the other, like short straight lines connecting two dots. I look at the lines and dots and fail to see the whole picture.

**********************************************************************************

Last week, my heart was weighed down by duties, responsibilities. I also suffered from a sense of disapproval. I accused myself of not working hard enough, not doing enough. Where does that accusing voice some from? Whose pointing figure was it? (I have this strong feeling it wasn’t God).

On Comforting Always and City-Driving

I cannot believe almost three weeks have passed since I last “wrote”. Kaya naman pala I get this feeling of restlessness again. My writing, I mean, my outpouring of thoughts and feelings on paper/keyboard, helps keep me sane. (It makes me a bit uncomfortable saying “my writing” because I do not consider myself a writer). It keeps me anchored and gives me a fresh break from my usual super-nega perspective.

My practice has been slow but swell. I thank God that for the past 2 weeks, I got to earn a bit instead of the usual na “negative pa sa pamasahe”. Teeny-weenie bit talaga. I am practically still living off of the allowance that hubby gives me monthly. Things have been slow that I have not gathered enough guts to go out and buy myself a decent-looking bag. I have been longing for a black, everyday shoulder bag for work. I have seen quite a few but not THE bag. They’re either not pretty enough, not big enough, or more importantly, not affordable enough.

Despite my meager earnings and the long, arduous bus ride from the province back to Manila, there are a few moments that make my decision to practice in my hometown worth it. Still at the top of my list was getting the chance to see my preschool music teacher as patient. She’s 78 but the way she thanked me so profusely, especially after I’ve introduced myself as one of her former students, is enough to fill my heart with so much joy! Even something as simple as a patient’s relative telling me on the phone “umayos po ang pakiramdam ni Nanay, malakas na kumain”. She still does have leukemia. But knowing she feels a bit better makes everything worthwhile. - "To cure sometimes, to relieve often, to comfort always”.

There’s also this one patient who was referred to me because of a non-life-threatening, really minor problem. But she came back to the clinic sooner than scheduled because she needed to talk to someone. She seemed very hopeless and weepy and distraught. I sensed that she was depressed… possibly postpartum. I couldn’t do more for her blood problem (she was already taking her medications) but I think I did more for her by listening to her, acknowledging her fears and feelings. In the end, I urged her and her husband to seek the help of a psychiatrist. I wouldn’t be surprised to see her come back next week.

Covering for my former mentor has been keeping me busy since yesterday. Medyo madami patients na naka-admit. I am grateful that she has kept her out-patient schedule to a minimum. Madaming araw na wala clinic. Like today. I was able to go home early and take a much-needed afternoon nap. I have been having flu-like symptoms since yesterday and had to really drag myself to work this morning. Three Bioflu’s later and I am feeling much better. Plus, tonight, hubby is coming back from Jakarta and that alone is enough to actually make me feel better. I think I can never get used to him being so far away from home, kahit pa short periods lang.

Yesterday was a milestone for me as it was the first time ever that I drove myself to work in Manila. Mare, mahirap ha! It’s not even half as fun as I thought it would be. The long stretch of Quezon Avenue almost drove me crazy with the unpredictable U-turns (I wonder if the U turns are actually better than having stoplights at every corner). Kaloka. Pati mga jeep at bus na nagigitgitan. I, being my usual, ok-ok self, wanted to stick to my lane (middle lane, non-committal, haha). But golly, it seemed that those lines/lanes painted on the roads were useless. Find your own place lang talaga. As one resident told me, “suggestions lang yun, mam”. This morning I was so tempted to take a cab to make my life less stressful. But I saw the gray clouds and looked back to the time when I stood endlessly waiting for a cab so… hay sige. Go na! After a few close encounters, I survived. Praise God.

Somebody better smack me on the head to remind me to:

1. not worry too much
2. stop stressing over things I cannot control
3. be P-A-T-I-E-N-T

Ala-ala Sa Donut

Kanina, pagkagaling namin ng anak kong limang taong gulang sa kanyang barbero, dumaan kami sa Dunkin’ Donuts bago maglakad pauwi. Pagkakain ng hapunan, kumuha ako ng platito at nilagay ang aking paboritong Nutty Choco, sabay hablot ng isang tinidor. Biglang nanumbalik sa akin ang mga alaala ng panahon noong high school na kumain kami ng isang kaklase sa Dunkin’ sa may National Bookstore sa Quezon Avenue.

Ibang-iba pa noon. Una, ang Dunkin’ merong dine-in kahit na puro donut, croissant at kape lang ang tinda. Nakakatuwa noon kasi parang feeling ko espesyal kahit na donut lang. Wala pa kasing Dunkin’ sa probinsya namin noon e. Tapos, sine-serve ang donut sa isang babasagin na platito at tunay na tinidor (hindi plastic o disposable). Meron ata akong Coke noon. Malaki-laki pa noon yung donut at yung chocolate ibang klase, hindi tunaw. O baka dahil sa aircon ang loob di gaya ng binilhan namin ngayon.

Kaligayahan ko talaga noon ang mag-ikot-ikot lang sa National Bookstore (NBS). Tingin tingin lang ng mga pad, ballpen, Jingle magazine, at kung anu-ano pa. Naalala ko na kahit wala naman ako masyadong binibili noon kundi paisa-isang ballpen at konting scratch paper, masaya ako sa paggagala sa loob. Inaabot ako ng mahigit isang oras. Pinakamatagal ata ako noon sa pag-browse sa may mga greeting cards, lalo na sa may Between Me and You. Nagpapaka-senti at nangangarap… kailan kaya ako makakatanggap ng ganito?

Tapos iba pa yung lugar na pinapaligiran ng NBS. Di pa ganun kalaki yung NBS, tapos meron mga ilang hakbang pababa bago makarating sa loob. Sa may paligid at bungad, andun ang iba’t ibang mga tindahan. Meron pa ngang Bread Connection noon at favorite namin ng bestfriend ko yung round bacon, sarap. Tapos sari-saring mga shops sa paligid… meron parlor kung saan naaalala ko ay shocked ako nang sinamahan ko ang isang kaibigang taga-Cagayan de Oro na magpagupit doon tapos nadiskubre ko na 80 o 90 pesos ang gupit! Kasi naman 1989 pa ito no, sobrang mahal! Minsan bumibili din ako ng guitar string or pick sa isa sa mga shops doon.

Tapos meron isang shop sa sulok na nagtitinda ng mga gamit pang-magic tricks. Tapos sa harapan ng NBS mismo, ,meron Gift Gate at kahit pa ang hindi kalakihan ang baon ko at ballpen lang naman ang afford kong bilhin noon, pasok pa rin ako. Pag may bagong ballpen na Sanrio,, ay ang saya! Excited na pumasok sa school kinabukasan at mag-notes.

At pag medyo malaki-laki ang naipong baon, hala. Tatawid ng Quezon Avenue papunta sa McDo para kumain ng fried chicken. Meron pa silang promo noon na pag “doubles” ang meal na in-order (meaning 2-piece chicken with rice), meron extra piece. 2 + 1 ang tawag. Tapos large coke. At ubos ko yun ha. Grabe, katakaw! Growing kid, pagbigyan na natin.

Hay, tumatanda na yata talaga ako. Mid-life crisis na nga yata talaga ‘to. Napapansin ko kasi na pag walang magawa, ang utak ko ay parating napapadpad sa mga nakaraan ko… mga ala-ala ng pagkabata sa aming probinsya or madalas, mga alala ng high school. Masaya noon. Wala pa masyadong mga alalahanin. Napaka-carefree. At madaming mga “exciting” na pangyayari, kahit pa mga simpleng kakiligan lang sa isang dosena kong mga crush. Asan na kaya mga yun?

Pockets Of Peace

I get this weird sense of profound peace at the most unusual places. Earlier this evening, as my 5-year-old son and I walked from his barber to a nearby Dunkin’ Donuts and then back home, I looked around and felt like there was nothing I wanted more. It was the first time his barber gave him a clean shave of his sideburns with a few skillful swishes of his labaha. Seeing other parents walking home with their little kids in uniforms, I felt one with the world. Folks in their office uniforms were everywhere, some clutching pasalubong for their families, I suppose. It is not easy to explain. But seeing these people made me feel like there is no rat race. There is a human race. And it felt wonderful to be part of it.

Somehow, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d feel the same sense of belonging once we move to our dream house in a dream village somewhere south of Manila. Would the clubhouse or the well-paved streets, or the manicured pocket gardens spread around the village give me the same kind of peace?

I distinctly remember how, once, I walked in pouring rain from a day spent at the library (see July 10, 2009 post).Taxis were hard to come by. People were scrambling to get their rides on buses and jeepneys. I decided against roughing it out with them and pursued the “scenic” route. That meant clutching my old blue umbrella, carrying my book-filled bag on my right shoulder, and walking along the side streets to my home. It was very quiet save for the sound of raindrops hitting my parasol and the faint squish-squash my feet were making against my sandals. The considerable distance to my home did not matter. There was no anxiety about making it home drenched. No worry about kidnappers that may have been lurking in the deserted corners . All I felt was peace and contentment.

Thank God for these pockets of peace.

Sorry, Lord

I apologize, dear God, for the sorry attitude I’ve been displaying since yesterday. Today I realized I have been doing my best to forget about that tiny incident the other day. Sorry talaga, Lord. Such a loser. Pasensya Ka na dahil pikon ako. Pikon na pikon.

Humuhingi ako ng tawad dahil sa para bang nakalimutan ko na lahat ng mabubuti kong adhikain at pangarap. Naisip ko, isa yatang pagpapanggap ang sinasabi kong hangarin na makatulong sa mga kapwa ko taga-Q_____. Pagpapanggap na ang sa ilalim ay ang hangarin na kumita. Ng malaki. Kaagad.

Sorry, Lord dahil sa una ko pang iniisip ang napakailap na Fino bag na ipinangako ko sa sarili ko na bibilhin ko sa oras na magsimula akong kumita sa mga consultation at biopsy. Sorry talaga, Lord, kung nahahalata mo na nagkakaroon ako ng feeling of entitlement. As if I deserved this. As if I got here solely on my merits with no help whatsoever.

Sorry, sorry po. Humihingi po ako ng tawad. Hinihiling ko rin po ang napakahabang pasensya. Patience.

Turuan n’yo po akong magpasalamat pa nang husto sa Inyo. Turuan n’yo po ako na i-enjoy ang bawat oras at bawat araw. Sabi nga sa kanta, “ang magbigay nang ayon sa nararapat na walang hinihintay mula sa’Yo”.

Malling sa Panahon ng Ondoy

Dahil sa perwisyong dulot ni Bagyong Ondoy, walang pasok ang mga bata ng isang linggo. Kaya kahapon, pinadalhan ko ng text ang aking asawa. Sabi ko, ano kaya kung dalhin namin sa playground sa Mall of Asia ang mga bata? Ilang araw na kasi silang nakakulong dito sa bahay. Maganda rin siguro na makalabas sila, makatakbo ng konti, makapag-release ng pent-up energy. I thought it was a great idea. Pumayag din ang aking asawa.

Papalapit pa lang sa MOA, na-realize ko na na parang hindi pala ganun kaganda yung idea ko. Kokonti ang lamang sasakyan ng open parking. Pagdating sa multi-level parking, medyo mas marami-rami. Natawa ako ng konti at naisip ko, ah, takot na ang mga tao mag-park sa baba. Nanumbalik sa isip ko ang mga kakatakot na imahe ng paglutang ng mga sasakyan sa parking space ng UERM. Nakaligtas kaya yung babaeng umakyat sa bubungan ng SUV n’ya habang dinadala ng alon?

Pagpasok sa mall, agad kong na-realize na parang hindi talaga magandang idea ang pagpunta doon. Parang hindi tama ang mamasyal. Kani-kanina lamang ay halos maiyak ako sa mga kwento na nakita ko sa balita – mga magulang na nawalan ng maliliit na mga anak, bayaning nalunod sa pagod matapos magligtas ng mahigit 30 katao, mga pamilyang pilit hinuhugasan ang putik sa kanilang mga kagamitan. Hindi tama na andito kami sa mall.

Naglakad-lakad lang kami. Kapansin-pansin ang tamlay ng mga establishments. Hindi namin maatim na tumingin ng mga damit o sapatos. Ang aking asawa, panandaliang sumilip sa tindahan ng mga bagahe, pero madali ring lumabas.

Binilhan namin ng tig-isang Swirly Bitz ang mga bata sa Jollibee. Kaming mag-asawa ay nagsalo sa isang maliit na baso ng Coke at isang piraso ng Krispy Kreme donut. Lahat ng tira ng mga bata ay aming sinimot. Nang magturo ng laruan ang mga bata, hindi namin pinagbigyan at sa halip ay ipinaliwanag ang kalunos-lunos na kalagayan ng ibang mga tao. Hindi ko alam kung naintindihan nila.

Maya-maya lang, matapos nilang maghabulan sa may mga makukulay na upuan, nagpasya na kaming umuwi. Okay na rin siguro na nagkaroon ng kaunting semblance of normalcy ang mga bata. Ilang araw nang maghapon nilang napapanood ang mga imahe ng baha sa balita. Pero nagpasya kaming mag-asawa na magpadala ng kaagarang tulong sa isang tiyuhin namin na nasalanta ng baha.

Ayayay!

After I had passed my subspecialty diplomate exam, I was very eager to start my practice. I felt like I was ready to take on the world. I described the day after I learned I passed as the “first day of the rest of my life” (Aug. 17 post). After 13 years (that’s post-college) of non-stop study and training, it felt like I have finally reached the finish line.

Then reality set in.

First, hubby and I scouted for prospect clinics south of Manila. We then learned that one needs a considerable sum of money to be able to start holding clinic at most hospitals. If you think your credentials are enough… you’re mistaken. Show them the money! Borrow from your spouse or your folks! Only then can you start earning your own.

But that was reasonable. Natural lang that they ask money from me first. Parang negosyo, di ba? Kailangan mamuhunan. Labas ka muna ng pera para magkapwesto sa palengke, bago ka pa makapagsimulang bumenta, tapos saka kikita. Fine.

And then I got entangled in one big mess of requirements.

The most difficult part, at least for me, is the fulfillment of the different things required by the government. PTR. TIN card. Not just TIN, the number ha. TIN card. And to get this, one must go back to the branch where one first got the number. Only then can I get my recently renewed S2 license card (for prescribing regulated drugs). And only then can I start applying for Philhealth accreditation as a specialist. It also requires numerous certificates of good standing from different societies. Because I live in the metropolis and cannot, as of yet, drive our car (that’s an entirely different story), I would have to take the FX, MRT, LRT, Taxi to get all of these. Pera pa din. Not to mention, oras, effort, at pawis.

I am also quite overwhelmed by the sheer volume of numbers that I would have to store (memorize?!) and back-up. I am no longer defined by my name alone. Gone were the days when I could just present my complete name and occasionally, my mother’s maiden name. Let’s see… how many numbers do I have? There’s my PRC, S2 license, PMA, PTR (which, by the way, will have to change every year), Philhealth, NBI, GSIS, LTO, TIN, GSIS, Passport, Community Tax Certificate. Whew! Not to mention all the different usernames and passwords for my different internet accounts/social networks and gadgets. Tapos meron na tayong isang tambak na phone numbers. Dalawang mobile, 1 landline, at 1 prepaid wireless broadband. Grabe na ito.

There’s no use complaining. All my colleagues who have gone ahead and are doing their practice have gone through the same. I just have to laugh at myself when I go back to ages ago, when I was a young girl and began to dream of becoming a doctor. Those days, I thought it only entailed studying and then I would have my very own black medicine bag and start making home visits. Parang lumang sine. Simpleng simple.