Christmas Lights, Christmas Memories

Today, they’ve lit up the streets of Makati. Saw it on TV. It brought back beautiful memories of my Dad driving us along Ayala/Paseo de Roxas in our good old VW Beetle when we were little.

Back then, we never shopped in Makati. Christmas shopping was done in Cubao (then later on SM City – now North Edsa). But the folks made it a point to drive us through the bright lights. It made me feel even more “Christmassy”.

I can still vividly recall how the whole experience felt as I stuck my neck out, head peeking thru the car window from behind Daddy’s seat. Ah, all was well.

Maybe Hubby and I can bring along the 3 little ones for a “drive-thru” one night.

Small Comforts

For the past two weeks or so, I have been suffering from bad headaches every day. I have been popping all sorts of pills and I worry about the ill effects these may have on my liver or kidney, most especially on my tinnitus. This worrying about the pills (among other things) could very well be the same fuel that feeds this vicious cycle.

Now I take the time to sit and pause to thank God for things – big and small – that comfort me, in spite of:

• the smell of fresh-cut grass
• the low-pitched, distant hum of the village keepers’ motorized grass cutter
• the sight of our plants, all healthy and well; they seemed to have adapted nicely to our little garden. One of the gladiolas have even managed to bloom into beautiful peach-colored flowers. After only a few days, the grass is in need of mending and the topiaries are begging to be trimmed. I hope to find the time later today after my clinic. Or maybe tomorrow. (Thursdays are my much-loved free day/errand day/drive-the-kids-to-after-school-activities-day)
• hubby who patiently takes over helping the kids out with the homework especially when I am tired or feeling more impatient than usual
• the little girl’s warm, tight bear hug… like she has totally forgiven me for having yelled at her last weekend
• my elder daughter’s pretty, sheepish smile
• ashtanga yoga – it gave me much happiness and comfort for the past two weeks (not to mention a terrible sore after the first session!); It required the discipline to drive myself to the yoga class after a long day at work but I never anticipated such huge pay-offs: it made me feel incredibly relaxed and fulfilled. It’s like my body and mind were thanking me for the much-needed break. Sadly, this has to be put off for now as I await my doctor’s clearance and advice
• my mom – the short sermons and bit of nagging are actually a solid source of comfort and reassurance for me.
• my cousin M who urged me to try yoga. Her short text messages were always a source of comfort for me, I can’t really say how or why

I have quite a few concerns on my mind but for now I choose to focus on these small comforts. I send a tiny thank you to God in heaven and trust that everything will go well as He has planned.

Lots To Be Thankful About

Had 2 patients today at U__ (1 was HMO) and zero patient at S____. Frankly, I do not feel bad. I felt kinda relieved actually. In the next few days/one and a half week, we’ll be preoccupied. There’s my repeat pure tone audiometry test and ENT consult (4th opinion!) that’s long overdue. Plus our moving in to our new home is happening sometime next week. Hooray! Praise God.

We’re going to be busy, busy,busy… just thinking about the packing and fixing and cleaning makes my tinnitus even louder. But everything seems to be a small price to pay for a beautiful home that is all our own and the quiet, peaceful surrounding that comes with it. Not to mention my commute that is about to be remarkably shortened to 15% of my usual daily commute. Hooray ulit!

Things like enrolment and uniforms and black shoes and school supplies and school service have also been on my mind and will continue to be on my mind for the next couple of weeks. I am excited for the kids. They will be going to schools that have been prayerfully picked for them by their dad and me. They will be making new friends and immersing themselves in new things that are good for them – fresh air, and big spaces for running and playing. I am determined to drastically cut down their TV time.

I am also making some plans for myself. I plan to make myself busy. To spend my time and energy in things and activities that will be good for my health (both of body and of mind). I am planning to start learning how to wake up earlier (never too late to change!) and to do some walking (and running, maybe… who knows?). I will call up my cousin about the yoga classes she’s been going to in Sta. Rosa. Though I occasionally have been doing my yoga, I am not so sure if my technique has been right. My muscles are tooo tight still and having an instructor will probably help me push myself a little and make myself a little limber.

I am preparing myself for a lot of fixing and working around the house in the next few months. I am also looking forward to starting a little bit of gardening with a lot of help from Mommy and Tio M.

Plus there’s my needle work that has been shelved for months. Will start working on them again as soon as I can. The designs I’ve picked (beautiful windows, meant to be displayed in groupings) will be perfect for our new pasilio outside of our bedrooms.

Life is great. Things are looking up. God has been generous and with all my heart I thank You, Lord.

Dearest A,

Driving to L_____ this morning gave me much time to pause and think. I realize how increasingly difficult it has become to discipline our three kids. Each has his or her own unique personality, and for reasons that are still unclear to me, they seem to put on their worst behavior whenever we are around. An attempt at catching our attention? Probably.

I also thought about what happened last night when the kids were noisily playing on our bed and they woke you up from your sleep, causing you to kick the Big Boy’s toys off the bed. I know you did not mean to do it. Please bear with me as I share with you some of my thoughts. I admit I am far from being a patient mother myself. Just an hour before that incident, I threw the empty alcohol bottle to show how displeased I was that Little One played with and wasted my stuff again. I have huge planks in my eye that need to be weeded out. I write this because we are a team. And as a team, our aim is to raise and love our kids the best way we can.

I found the incident a very sad moment. When the toys flew off of the bed and landed on the floor, the Big Boy did not show any change in the expression on his face. He had spent a considerable amount of time arranging those toys to make them look like a ship… you know how fond he is of building things. After the incident, he neither showed anger nor hurt, not even surprise. I found it very sad that he simply went about picking up his toys and rearranging them as if having toys thrown off beds was a most natural and ordinary occurrence in our home.

You and I both work very hard to give them the best and most comfortable life we can give. Sometimes, it makes us too tired to listen to their tiny and mundane concerns and, I speak for myself here hon, I admit that most days it is easier to just lie in bed and read my book or Facebook than to listen or spend time with them. You’re better off as I can see your effort in taking time to read them storybooks. I am guilty and today I pray to the Lord that He would send all the help we need so we can be the parents that He has meant us to be. As I’ve read somewhere, no amount of success can compensate for failure in the home. If I become a successful ______gist but turn out to be a bad mother, I would consider my life a complete waste. May God bless us both and teach us always. I love you so much.

K

My Mother

I am grateful for my mother. I am grateful for each visit, every hour spent with her. Not all encounters are happy. Sometimes I am hurt by words of criticism and correction. These are not always easy to swallow. But ultimately, each encounter makes me a better and wiser person. I pray to God I can be the same to my children.

It's The Little Things

One would think that after a loved one has died, you would remember him for all the big and important events. It's not the case, well, at least for me.

I barely remember our dance on my wedding day. But I do remember how we almost laughed our eyeballs out over something very petty, I wouldn't dare write about it here; it'll be out of context and I don't want to risk sounding shallow. Or how, when I was a little kid, he showed me an imprint made on a piece of clay. He made me guess which object made that distinct imprint (it was from the design engraved on his wedding band).

One time, at home after his chemotherapy, we both couldn't fall asleep. In the middle of the night, he and I drove out for some balut, using his need to buy some medications from a 24-hour drugstore as an excuse. We greedily wolfed down our balut (3 for him, 2 for me).

It's the little things I miss the most. I miss you, Daddy.

Fruitful Day

I am up early because hubby had left very early for the airport for a business trip. Nawala antok ko so I decided to say my prayers and a rosary for his safe trip.

Yesterday was a good day and napahiya ako kay Lord kasi pinagbigyan N’ya na naman ako matapos kong ngumawa nang ngumawa. Tinuturuan N’ya talaga ako to be patient and to put my full trust in Him. As I awoke yesterday to the smell of breakfast cooking in the kitchen (care of hubby), I felt mild pain on my right temple. At that moment, I decided to lie in bed and nurse that headache, possibly the whole morning. I’m guessing that headache was because of the multitude of things that I have been worrying and fretting about (needlessly, as usual).

Mid-morning, I received a text message from my would-be secretary (naks!) and was told that the accountant… THE accountant is at the hospital today. Wow! Nawala ang sakit ng ulo ko. Thankfully, hubby was willing to bump off the plans he has made so that he can come with me and teach me (again) the directions to the hospital. So we bundled our three kulits and I drove to Laguna, leaving our yayas behind to rest.

The accountant was very pleasant and her rates were better than most I’ve heard of. Medyo malaki lang nagastos ko initially because I had to register all three clinics so times three yung initial gastos. I had to rush to two nearby ATMs but all were off-line. She was gracious enough to accept a check as payment and hubby was very generous enough to take care of the payment for me (more than 5 thou). Yehey! Thanks to hubby and to God. The accountant says my registration should be done within a week and she says my receipts should be available before I start my clinic at their hospital next month.

The drive to Laguna was relatively easy and it didn’t take too long. I think I can do it on my own. I mean, on a regular basis. Kaya naman. The toll fees were considerable though. One hundred and ten (65 for skyway plus 45) to and then 76 pabalik.

While I was settling things, hubby was able to get a car sticker from the security guard for me. Nakita ko na lang dinidikit na nila. Ang bait nung mga tao doon. Very accommodating sila. I was surprised that the guard, though he initially asked daw for papers to show that I was indeed affiliated, took hubby’s word for it.

After the stint with the accountant, I was very, very happy for having accomplished that task that has been bugging me for weeeeks. We drove off to the nearby Pavilion Mall and had lunch at, you guessed it… Jollibee! We availed of the BPI promo so nakatipid nang konti. The kids were happy; it was their first time at the Pavilion. I was feeling quite pleased, too. Hubby and I can imagine living our lives there, parang nakaka-at home doon. Later, the Little One had to poop so she and I went upstairs to the mall restroom and, thankfully, I had some wipes left in my bag.

After we had finished lunch, the Little Girl said it was her turn to poop. I ran out of wipes so I left her with hubby and dragged the Little Boy to the supermarket to buy some. While we were at it, I was very pleased to find the kids’ shampoo which was not available at SM nor Shopwise. It was very cheap and smelled great on the kids’ hair so I grabbed two big bottles. In the meantime, hubby was texting because the Little Girl was badly in need of the wipes already. Rush, rush, rush… wash. Ah, the little stresses and inconveniences of parenthood. Instead of giving in my to tendency to be irked, I thought these are what make parenthood an exciting adventure.

After some dessert at Dunkin’ (coffee for hubby), we drove around the place to scout for some schools for the kids next year. We were quite pleased with a couple of schools we saw. One was particularly impressive and I was awed by the beauty of the surrounding scenery. Their soccer field was nestled right amidst beautiful, lush mountains. What a blessing it would be if our kids can grow up in such a beautiful surrounding. For a while, I worried, too about the kids coping to this big change of moving to a “big” school. Their school right now is such a small community, almost everybody knows everyone else.

After that, we visited our lot at V____. It was a very quiet and peaceful Saturday afternoon. We let the kids play at the playgound/clubhouse for a while. The Little One was tearful as we climbed to our car. She so wanted to swim in the pool but we did not bring any extra clothes. We then drove around a bit, admiring the pretty houses and just taking in the calm of the surroundings.

The whole experience reminded me of the suburbs in the States (based on my friends’ pictures and on what I see on TV, at least). I felt very grateful that we were on our way to achieving this dream. I thanked God for such a blessing and prayed that He would continue to bless us with this gift. I was particularly thankful that hubby and I need not leave our country to be able to enjoy such blessings. We were right at home.

We then braced ourselves for the trip back home. The traffic was heavy and the kids, particularly the Little One was getting irritable and began looking for her yaya. Good thing she fell asleep. I realized it was not easy driving in bumper-to-bumper traffic and my right quads hurt. I did not complain. Silently, I told myself that this was something I had to learn to contend with for the next half-year. Twice a week wouldn’t be so bad. If I needed to go more than twice a week, it would mean having referrals and that would be something to be thankful for.

I’m supposed to start my other clinic next weekend but since my reciepts aren’t ready yet, I hope to be able to ask the secretaries if I can start by December instead.

Oh, I forgot to tell you that the layout for my prescription pads and business cards have been finally sent to me. They looked okay. I can’t wait to get my hands on them.

Oh, what great comfort!

10 September 2009
10:26 AM

Oh, what great comfort!

As usual, I find out that the things I’ve been fretting about were baseless and, therefore, useless.

The recent weeks were supposed to be the most relaxed and free weeks of my adult life. But instead of being happy and enjoying each moment, I felt pressured. I perceived my mother’s words of encouragement and gentle reminders as subtle ‘demands’ for me to start living up to my mission-slash-occupation. I felt that with each day that passed, I was slowly turning into a disappointment. Tamad. Tambay. Batugan.

I know, I know. Such harsh words. But you must understand… one of my biggest weaknesses is my tendency to condemn myself, and another equally-hard to beat trait is my penchant for being defensive. Plus, any indication that I might have displeased someone, anyone, more so a loved one, is enough to drag me down.

Earlier this morning, the short phone conversation my mother and I had was more than I needed to lift up my spirits. She alleviated my worries and fears. She reassured me that there was no need to stress and beat myself up for what actually is an imaginary, self-imposed deadline. She gave me a gentle reminder to tackle first things first and to prioritize. Any task accomplished was good. So long as I didn’t spend my days sitting on my butt.

That meant I can now afford to breathe, relax a bit, and focus on my upcoming research paper presentation and the equally important task of buying myself a decent outfit for my oath-taking. Good, good, good!

Hubby, on the other hand, has always been very supportive and, though I know he can use help, he never gave any indication that he wanted me to start working/earning ASAP. I am very blessed to have supportive and patient loved ones. I really am grateful. I need to make a mental note to myself to always strive to be the same to others.

Yin and Yang

I feel so stupid. How could I have let a really important deadline pass me by?

I am so ashamed of myself.

Now… deep breath. Forgive myself. Forget the past. Time to move on.

And before I forget… what a wonderful (long) weekend we had! Nothing beats time with the whole family (whole meaning mine, my sister’s, plus Mommy). Sharing yummy food. Watching the kids having fun - in the pool, chasing a tiny blue butterfly, or simply enjoying the moment. Happy, happy, happy!

Flowers. So soon.

A strange thing happened today. When the kids came home from school at noon, the yaya came up to me and said, “Ate, dalaga na po ang anak n’yo”. My first thought was… what? She had her menses?! Then she handed me a bouquet of 3 pink roses, in full bloom. Normally, the sight of flowers would have elicited feelings of happiness and pleasure. Definitely not this time. The next thing that came to my mind was - what the? I found this strange because the first ever bouquet of flowers I got was at age 22… and it had come from my now hubby.

Our 4-year-old is very pretty. I knew it the first time I laid eyes on her at the nursery the day after I had given birth. She had thick, shiny, dark hair; big, round eyes; and, very pink, dainty lips. Wish I could say she got these from me. She actually took after my mother. Mommy has always been a looker. I remember feeling elated when people say we look alike, and this did not happen very often. More often, I get - oh, you’re mom is prettier than you. My sister and I have gotten used to remarks like these and take no offense.

Anyway, I always knew our Little Girl would be breaking some hearts when she grows up. Countless times, I’ve teased her father about it, warning him, saying he better start bracing himself for the time when guys come knocking on the door because of his two daughters (I pray that that - knocking on the parents’ door - would be still the norm). But, one big BUT, I never thought that this would happen this soon! I thought, what in the world were this boy’s parents thinking? Apparently, the boy’s yaya told our yaya that last night, he cried and insisted that his parents bring him to the mall so he could pick flowers for our girl. And they did exactly that.

Trying my best to act as normally as possible, I told our Little Girl that the flowers were nice and matter-of-factly asked who the giver was. She said she didn’t know. She looked unhappy, even miserable. I asked why she was given flowers and she said she didn’t know. Minutes later, she told me that she was scared and didn’t want to go back to school. Why, did they tease you? She said no. The yaya said that as they stood outside the classroom and the boy came out, our Little Girl looked scared and pulled at her and said ‘Let’s go’.

It bothered me a bit that it affected her this way. Maybe the extra attention, the way she was being singled out, frightened her. But I am also quite relieved. Had she looked thrilled or flattered like a teenager, I would be pulling my hair right now and beating on my chest. Her reaction was a reminder to me that my girl is still the innocent baby that she’s always been. Minutes later, I heard her characteristic loud, hearty laugh from the other room; a cartoon cracked her up. Big sigh of relief.

There. I have gotten over it. Now, I can’t wait to see her Daddy’s face when he comes home tonight.

Under Attack

Things have been quite crazy around here with hubby and the kids getting sick. Now, I finally get some quiet time as the whole household takes the afternoon nap. Quiet time, yes. Peace? I am not sure. When everything is quiet, it seems like the perfect time for me to finally concentrate and read and prepare for my upcoming exam. But it is during these silent times that this tinnitus in my left ear is at its loudest and highest frequency (pitch). Bearable but distressing. Now there is no one to keep me company but the hum of the fan and the hissing in my ear, I feel scared, threatened and bogged down by worry.

The little one fell ill this morning. Her lips were dry and hubby and I took turns giving her her sponge bath. It calmed her and put her to sleep. Thankfully, her fever subsided and she was able to eat her lunch and play a little afterwards. I can see that hubby was feeling quite distraught; I can sense, though he would never say so, some guilt on his part for having passed on the virus to the kids (he went on a trip to some other parts of Southeast Asia about a week ago. But of course, there is no one to blame here.


Also this morning, the sister of one of our nannies called to say that their mother has become very ill again. The mother was losing her sight and was unable to eat and get up from her bed. I had no hesitation about letting her go home if she wants to. But I was quite anxious about being left here with a sick household and an exam that is hurling itself towards me. This is the little one’s favorite nanny and when she’s sick she tends to be extra clingy, as all kids do. I may have to call up my trusty aunt again to ask for her help. I will have to do the cooking but that’s alright as long as I get an extra pair of hands to take charge of the kids.

Again, I was up and about until dawn because the tinnitus plus the steroids kept sleep at bay. As I was beginning to feel my lids getting heavy at past 3, I turned off the study lamp and placed the remote control on the desk. That’s when I felt that my study desk was dripping wet! It was raining hard but that was the first time my desk has ever gotten wet. Hubby and I were puzzled and couldn’t figure out where the water came from. I felt helpless and frustrated as I picked up my books and notes, especially my treasured hipster PDA. No, not “hi-tech”… it is actually nothing but a bunch of 3 x 5 index cards held together by a carabiner. But it held some of my important notes… it took a considerable amount of time and effort just to make notes that I needed to memorize for the exam. It also contained my time table - a list of must-reads for the remaining 2 weeks. Admittedly, I have become so obsessive-compulsive about these index cards of mine. They helped to keep me sane. And they were soaked. So there I was, scrambling about at the crack of dawn, oh-so carefully peeling off each card, one at a time. I was so distressed because some of my notes were written in pencil. I laid them one by one on a cardboard folder on top of the TV, making sure that they were still arranged in order. I opened my drawer and began to get my blank cards, and began to replace the ones that were too wet to save. I can see that hubby thought it strange to watch me sitting on the bed in the dead of night, working on a fresh batch of index cards using my single-hole puncher (“wow, meron ka pala n‘yan?”). It must have taken him some effort to keep from shaking his head at me and teasing me about my freakishness. And I appreciate that. Thankfully, the cards, aside from being a bit wrinkly, were salvageable. I was spared of the time it would have required for me to rewrite everything. You know I would (wink).

I got a little carried away with that story about the index cards. Anyway, it somehow felt like I was under attack. Even the other nanny said to me, as we were cracking the crabs and gathering the meat for lunch, “Ang sama po ng ating weekend ngayon, Ate.” But I refuse to be dragged down into the pits by these “little” inconveniences. As long as the kids get well soon, and hubby recovers his energy, I would be alright. Getting rid of this tinnitus would be a definite big help.

Lord, please help me. Konti na lang po at makakaraos na ako sa exam na ito. Wag N’yo po akong hayaang ma-challenge ng sobra-sobra kasi baka hindi ko kayanin. Alam ko You have the best plan laid out for me. Come to my rescue!

Music and Daddy

Last night, my balikbayan uncle treated us to dinner at Mesa (at Greenbelt). Us included me, hubby, sis and bro-in-law, and three aunts.

After dinner, we proceeded to Merk’s for some drinks and entertainment. The band ‘Acoustic Jive’ was there with Lani Misalucha’s sister (allegedly) as female vocalist. A guy who looked like the actor who played trainor of Russell Crowe in Cinderella Man was lead male vocal and acoustic guitarist. He had a great voice, and he charmed us with his jokes and smiles.

The rest of the band consisted of middle-aged men (middle-aged?) who seemed like they were unattached to the audience but played really well. They looked like aging fathers who left their wives and grown-up kids at home simply because they loved playing music. The one on the flute was very good but a little weird and expressed no emotion at all. The lead guitarist was great (!) and looked geeky (which in my opinion, impressed me even more; I love geeks!).

They played songs that sis and I were familiar with. We didn’t know we knew many of the songs but we have heard them several times in our childhood because of Daddy. We liked them. They reminded me so much of Daddy. Though I enjoyed the music, I really, really, really missed him dearly. When they sang ‘What a Wonderful World’ by Louie Armstrong upon our request, I wept quietly. Of course, it did not help that I’ve had two bottles of light beer then (my first in more than 8 years).

The band was generous enough to play all of our requests: ‘Beyond the Sea’ by George Benson which was a song I loved and knew only from ‘Finding Nemo’ (it played as the credits rolled in the end). We also requested ‘Our Love’ by Michael MacDonald. And ‘Someone to Watch Over Me’ which the girl sang. I would have loved it if the guy had sung it (Sting version). By the way, the requests were Tita A's idea; great taste in music!

They also played a song that I heard for the first time but immediately fell in love with: ‘The Man Who Can’t Be Moved’. I need to find it! Plus, they did a couple of The Police songs like ‘Roxanne’ and ‘De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da’. Loved it.

Yesterday also marked what could have been Daddy and Mommy’s 36th wedding anniversary.

How I wish Dad were still with us to enjoy it. And Mommy as well, ‘cause when Daddy is happy, Mommy is happy. And when they are happy, sister and I are happy.

Family Time, Mommy Time

The family went out today, just the five of us. For the first time ever, we dined out with no nanny in tow. Hubby and I braced ourselves and said to each other that it’s about time. We made the kids take their afternoon naps and excitedly woke them up after more than 3 hours. As if preparing for battle, I gave them their snacks of milk and choco flakes, washed them up and prepared our armamentarium – extra clothes, water, biscuits, and plenty of wipes. After giving the kids a peptalk/orientation cum warning, we sent the nannies off for some free time and off we went!

Though it was a bit tiring and more stressful than our usual trips to the mall, hubby and I agreed that it was well worth it. It brought us great pleasure to hear the kids, all buckled-up and chatting away, at the back of the car. They teased, they sang. There was no whining, which was commonplace when their yayas were there to give in to most of their needs.

They enjoyed the arcade and played various games. Sure, there were a few mishaps but generally, everything went smoother than expected. It’s like they suddenly grew up and learned how to feed themselves, strap on their own backpacks, and wipe their messy faces. We went to the bookstore and let them pick a few affordable books (courtesy of cash gift from Grandma).

Dinner was a bit of a struggle with the youngest but we all enjoyed it. One practical bonus is that because there were less of us, we were able to pick a nicer restaurant than the usual fastfood chain. As we went up the stairs and the usher directed as to our seats, the two older kids oohed and ahhed, obviously impressed by the carpet and the nice view and ambiance. I was pleased and felt a tinge of guilt, too, when I realized hubby and I have gone there a few times but this was a first for the kids. The two older ones extremely enjoyed the salad, pizza, and pasta. Especially when they were told that these were the kinds of food that their “friends” Ina and Giada loved to prepare (that’s Ina Garten and Giada de Laurentiis for you, the Food Network chefs the kids adore). Sprinkling on the parmesan on their food was a big thrill for them! For me, hearing them say, “Kuya/Ate/Little One, please pass me the cheese”, was the biggest thrill.

I enjoyed the experience so much. I savored the moment, just holding their hands and trying to keep up with their litany of ‘why’s . It gave me a chance to directly take care of their needs. It gave me a chance to be… a mommy. There is nothing more fulfilling! It brought me so much happiness that I will try my best to be more hands-on from now on.

I thank God for this day. Mabait talaga S’ya (God is good, indeed). Yesterday, I felt like a failure as a mother. Today must have been His way of reassuring me, encouraging me, telling me that, “My daughter, You’re doing okay”.

Dreaming of Daddy

This morning I woke up feeling very, very sad. I dreamt of Daddy and it was long and vivid. For a while I was confused and had to ask myself whether it was real or not.

I was in the ER (not any ER I am familiar with, I just knew it was an ER). I was wearing my long white coat. I’m not sure if I was on duty or working there. When I looked ahead I was so surprised to see Daddy and Mommy. They were sitting about two chairs apart (with other people occupying the seats in between). Though no words were spoken, as I walked towards them, I knew that – first, I haven’t seen them in a long time; second, Daddy is seriously ill because of acute leukemia; third, Mommy and Daddy are currently not in very good terms which explains why they were sitting away from each other.

As I approached Daddy, I saw that he was wearing old clothes: white shirt and old walking shorts and rubber slippers. Mukhang mahirap. Awang-awa ako and I remember thinking to myself (in the dream pa rin ha) that Mommy must have matinding sama pa rin ng loob para pabayaan sya ng ganun. And they looked like charity patients who have been waiting for a long time for the doctor to attend to them.

Daddy was thin, bald, and pale with rapid breathing. I asked him how he felt and though I can’t remember the exact words he said, it occured to me that he was worried and tired. I stood in front of him, bent towards him, touched his shoulders and reassured him that everything will be okay, and that I’ve had plenty of patients with cases like his who eventually got better. While I was doing that I remember vividly what I was thinking to myself – that I need to have his blood test done ASAP and that his dyspnea was probably secondary to hyperleukocytosis, and I was wondering whether leukapheresis would be needed. At that point, it felt more like I was his doctor rather than his daughter.

Then, as if a someone turned on a switch, I became his daughter again. With my left hand on his right shoulder, my other hand took his right hand and I squeezed it firmly as I reassured him that everything will be okay. I bent down and planted a kiss on his right cheek. I don’t remember seeing how he reacted to this.

I then rushed out of the ER into the hospital to look for G (former fellow) because I needed to get her to make admitting orders for Daddy. On the way to the hematology office I passed by some college friends who all looked surprised to see me in such a rush. I waved to them, letting them know that I had to go and will have to talk to them another time.

I found the office and remember feeling a bit irked that the fellows were just sitting around a table, having their meals, laughing and having a good time while my Dad waited in the ER. (Now I know how some of our patients must have felt sometimes). After that I went straight to the Admitting Section and got a room for Daddy. Everything happened in a place that was supposed to be the hospital but did not look like that hospital. And then I woke up. Not knowing what happened next to Dad.

I felt so sad and so sorry for what happened to Daddy. But I also felt relieved that in reality, he was taken by God before he could suffer some more. He had a peaceful and quiet and, I believe, pain-free death. We were there when he left for that much, much better place. We were all able to say goodbye. I am grateful.

And I am thankful that even if it was just a dream, I was able to hold his hand and kiss him.

Glass Half-Full/Belly Laugh

I am feeling grouchy right now because I am tired and sleep-deprived. We spent the morning queuing up at the hospital for the nanny’s menorrhagia. With a friend’s help, we were able to accomplish everything in half the time. It’s AUB r/o PCOD. I feel relieved and will wait for her ultrasound scheduled on April 21.

Time to concentrate on the positive…

The afternoon we spent in UE for Kuya’s reevaluation with his developmental pedia. Turns out this is his last! Yehey! He has finally graduated from his speech therapy. Hubby and I are very happy. It’s not just the money that’s saved. Personally, I could not believe how we have finally come to this place. It seems like only yesterday when I sat in the doctor’s office, crying in disbelief after being told that my son has autism. It felt like my hopes and dreams for him all crashed down on me. What's worse: I had to take the bad news all by myself because hubby was out of the country on a business trip. Fast forward to today. After two years of innumerable therapy sessions, doctor visits and, not to mention, hundreds of thousands of pesos’ worth of fees and taxi cab fare… we finally made it. Our little Kuya is no different from his classmates, one of the “normal” kids in school. He talks a lot, is very inquisitive and curious, and has learned to answer ‘why’ questions and relay events. Praised be God for making all of this possible!

Overheard: As the Little One reached out for her newly-opened Yakult, she said to her nanny – “Yatult o. ‘To mo?” (Yakult, o. Gusto mo?). And when she saw that it was frozen, she said, “Hindi soup o”, which probably meant that it wasn’t liquid.

Ate has changed a lot. We now see less of her tantrums and often catch her sitting quietly, reading a book or playing with her dolls or her small kitchen. She proudly told me that she was cleaning her kitchen as she wiped it with her, uh, wipes. When I asked if she wanted to clean our kitchen, she asked, “the big kitchen?” while raising her arms out wide. I said yes. She said, “Um, no.” Haha.

Hubby is busy, busy, busy this week. Badminton late nights 4 days a week, up to past midnight mostly. Meetings – PTA, conference calls, etc. Boss’ surprise birthday party. When he comes home I am either too sleepy to talk or so engrossed in my book (or facebook). At least we had a little bonding time while he watched Judy Ann’s ‘Esperanza’ on Cinema One last night, with who else but Wowie de Guzman and Spencer what’s-his-name on the side. Saya. (Cringe).

Have to go.

Addendum (8 hours later):

It feels great to have a belly laugh! One that brings tears to my eyes. I do not get these things often, maybe once in 4 to 6 weeks? (uh-oh, not good). Anyway, the kids and I chanced upon this show ‘Wipeout’ which is pretty much like Takeshi Castle but funnier because of the very witty narration minus the guilt of having to laugh at fellow Asians (read: Japanese).

Now I feel relaxed and have managed to totally forget about my exam for an hour. Simply put – I feel happier! ‘Yo, awesome, dude!’ as the Little One would say it (I overheard her saying this to herself as she was going up the stairs. Kids watched Finding Nemo today).

Shoo, green-eyed monster!

I’m happy to have met up with my friend (my daughter's godmother) twice this week. It was great laughing over old times and having a glimpse of life in the U.S. of A. She showed me pictures of beautiful places and a picture or two of a high school crush of mine (at least the back of his head) and his wife (no kids). They have a big house in California, really nice… 5 bedrooms and 3 nice cars. It really shows that they’ve been doing really well out there. I felt a tinge of… of… envy. Mahirap aminin pero that was how I felt.

Then I saw my friend’s nice laptop. A really nice, sleek, compact, classy Lenovo silver laptop. Ganda. Naka-windows XP kaya ang bilis din tumakbo on 1 gig. So there I was looking at her really nice pictures of really nice places on her really nice laptop and suddenly, I felt it again!
E-N-V-Y. Sorry, Lord. An hour or two later I was at the back of a taxi cab being driven by a reckless person, on the way home to our humble apartment. Suddenly, life didn’t seem that great.

Then I came to the kids’ room and they jumped out from their beds with really big grins and “Mommy!”s looking very pleased to see me. I got nice little hugs and the two girls were very happy with their pasalubong from Ninang. Kuya proudly showed me his “artwork” of scraps of crayons taped to a pad of paper. All of sudden, life was great again!

Then I got downstairs and called my boss to endorse back some of her patients. She thanked me and I felt this big gush of relief in my chest. I then proceeded to open an early birthday present from Tita J (aquamarine blouse) and admired this small potted fortune plant from Tita A. It’s perfect for my study desk. Great for resting tired eyes from the monotony of reading/studying.

I then went upstairs and turned on my laptop to write all these thoughts and I suddenly realized how very blessed I am to have my own personal computer, a laptop that works well and serves me well. It may be cracked on the hinges and too wide and heavy but it is mine, I can use it for work and leisure, the kids and hubby can play games on it, and I paid for it with my sweat and blood. It really felt great.

Lord, thank You for all the wonderful blessings that You keep showering on me. Blessings great and small. Help me to always keep my eyes open to the wonders around me and to be happy for the wonders that friends have as well.