For the past two weeks or so, I have been suffering from bad headaches every day. I have been popping all sorts of pills and I worry about the ill effects these may have on my liver or kidney, most especially on my tinnitus. This worrying about the pills (among other things) could very well be the same fuel that feeds this vicious cycle.
Now I take the time to sit and pause to thank God for things – big and small – that comfort me, in spite of:
• the smell of fresh-cut grass
• the low-pitched, distant hum of the village keepers’ motorized grass cutter
• the sight of our plants, all healthy and well; they seemed to have adapted nicely to our little garden. One of the gladiolas have even managed to bloom into beautiful peach-colored flowers. After only a few days, the grass is in need of mending and the topiaries are begging to be trimmed. I hope to find the time later today after my clinic. Or maybe tomorrow. (Thursdays are my much-loved free day/errand day/drive-the-kids-to-after-school-activities-day)
• hubby who patiently takes over helping the kids out with the homework especially when I am tired or feeling more impatient than usual
• the little girl’s warm, tight bear hug… like she has totally forgiven me for having yelled at her last weekend
• my elder daughter’s pretty, sheepish smile
• ashtanga yoga – it gave me much happiness and comfort for the past two weeks (not to mention a terrible sore after the first session!); It required the discipline to drive myself to the yoga class after a long day at work but I never anticipated such huge pay-offs: it made me feel incredibly relaxed and fulfilled. It’s like my body and mind were thanking me for the much-needed break. Sadly, this has to be put off for now as I await my doctor’s clearance and advice
• my mom – the short sermons and bit of nagging are actually a solid source of comfort and reassurance for me.
• my cousin M who urged me to try yoga. Her short text messages were always a source of comfort for me, I can’t really say how or why
I have quite a few concerns on my mind but for now I choose to focus on these small comforts. I send a tiny thank you to God in heaven and trust that everything will go well as He has planned.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Three Things to Remembr in Life
1. Make God No. 1
2. Time is sacred
3. Live a balanced life
Addendum: Remember – all the saints were busy people! (Let us ask for the grace to always make God number 1 in spite of our busy lives)
- From Homily, Don Bosco 8:30 am Mass (must remember to get the priest’s name)
2. Time is sacred
3. Live a balanced life
Addendum: Remember – all the saints were busy people! (Let us ask for the grace to always make God number 1 in spite of our busy lives)
- From Homily, Don Bosco 8:30 am Mass (must remember to get the priest’s name)
Friday, May 28, 2010
Anytime. All The Time.
This is too funny. Things like these always happen in cycles. One can only manage to laugh knowing that everything always turns out for the better in the end.
Just ten days ago, I’ve written about how things were looking up and proceeded to enumerate the things I was really grateful for. Countless blessings! Now, I remain grateful… with just a few “concerns” (a.k.a. worries) in my mind.
I felt quite okay after my check up with the ear specialist and was, in fact, feeling more than fine that I dragged my aunt for some halu-halo and a little more chit-chat afterwards. When evening came, I began to feel distraught. By some unexplainable coincidence (?), I began to have tinnitus on my other ear, too. I remember very distinctly the exact moment when it happened. I was on my bed, right ear on the pillow, when I noted that my tinnitus on the left turned unusually loud. Then, I felt fullness on my left ear and it suddenly shifted to the right. This was followed by very loud tinnitus on my right. So I now have tinnitus on both ears. And it’s been like that ever since.
Hubby thinks it may all be related to stress, brought about my worrying after having spoken to Dr. C. He may be right. But this kind of reasoning is not easy to accept. It’s like saying that I brought this illness upon myself. Like I battered my brain enough for the thoughts to become real. As if I’ve willed my body to act this way; worse, with my consent.
Actually, Dr. C.’s advise sounded very logical, very intelligent, and somehow, encouraging. Get the ear tests done. Have the CT scan done (just to make sure that there’s no tumor and to see whether I am at risk of having sudden permanent hearing loss). Take the vitamin B and give it two months. Come back with the results and we’ll see.
Things have become a bit more complicated because… I have reason to believe that I may be pregnant. We’ve been keeping things “under control” for years; our youngest will be turning four in a couple of months. But we may have been not careful enough this month. And everyone knows how “fertile” we can get.
Hubby has been laughing off my worries about our being pregnant. In fact, he has been very relaxed and “un-worried” about the whole thing. But this morning, I got a glimpse into the inner workings of his heart when he very casually mentioned that he has decided to cut down on some of our expenses.
Instead of the original plan of buying two new LCD TVs (one for the den and the other for our bedroom), we’ll be buying just one (for our bedroom). We can then settle for our old one (currently at the repair shop) for the den. We won’t be buying a new sala set yet as this can wait. And then he said, “Baka mahaba pa ang gamutan mo. Ayoko nang kokonti ang cash na hawak natin”.
Yesterday, I had a bad case of what seemed like an intestinal flu. I tossed and turned on my bed the night before because of intermittent gnawing epigastric pain. I thought it may be hyperacidity caused by incessant worrying. Morning came and I had 3 explosive episodes of diarrhea and suffered from crampy on and off tummy ache the whole day. I vaguely remembered suffering from the exact same thing during the first few weeks of my pregnancy with our youngest.
Today, I felt a little better, still with some tummy ache though (until now, as I write). When I walked into my clinic, the first thing I noticed was the intolerable, noxious odor of my secretary’s perfume. I thought to myself – bago kaya pabango n’ya? And then tonight, I barely touched my dinner. It was adobo. The dish that I very much detested during my pregnancies. All three of them. Now hubby’s worried.
To add to this list, this morning, our yaya who’s been with us for the past 2 months said that she’d be leaving tomorrow morning. Hubby was irked; he wanted at least a month’s notice, enough time for us to look for a replacement. I was mad, too, thinking of all the work that needs to be done because of our move to our new home (in two weeks!). But part of me (a bigger part of me) felt relieved as this particular yaya has been getting of my nerves for weeks! Wala nang ginawa kundi tumambay sa kapitbahay. Plus a serious attitude problem. Frankly, I’d be very happy to see her off. I hope our other favorite yaya does not abandon us. I called on my Tita A and tomorrow she is coming to our rescue. Ever-reliable. As my other tita said after I thanked her profusely, “Anytime. All the time.” Beautiful words. Like music to my heart.
Once again, I just scoop up all of these concerns and throw them up in the air… away with all my worries and issues. God cares for me. God cares for us. Anytime. All the time.
Just ten days ago, I’ve written about how things were looking up and proceeded to enumerate the things I was really grateful for. Countless blessings! Now, I remain grateful… with just a few “concerns” (a.k.a. worries) in my mind.
I felt quite okay after my check up with the ear specialist and was, in fact, feeling more than fine that I dragged my aunt for some halu-halo and a little more chit-chat afterwards. When evening came, I began to feel distraught. By some unexplainable coincidence (?), I began to have tinnitus on my other ear, too. I remember very distinctly the exact moment when it happened. I was on my bed, right ear on the pillow, when I noted that my tinnitus on the left turned unusually loud. Then, I felt fullness on my left ear and it suddenly shifted to the right. This was followed by very loud tinnitus on my right. So I now have tinnitus on both ears. And it’s been like that ever since.
Hubby thinks it may all be related to stress, brought about my worrying after having spoken to Dr. C. He may be right. But this kind of reasoning is not easy to accept. It’s like saying that I brought this illness upon myself. Like I battered my brain enough for the thoughts to become real. As if I’ve willed my body to act this way; worse, with my consent.
Actually, Dr. C.’s advise sounded very logical, very intelligent, and somehow, encouraging. Get the ear tests done. Have the CT scan done (just to make sure that there’s no tumor and to see whether I am at risk of having sudden permanent hearing loss). Take the vitamin B and give it two months. Come back with the results and we’ll see.
Things have become a bit more complicated because… I have reason to believe that I may be pregnant. We’ve been keeping things “under control” for years; our youngest will be turning four in a couple of months. But we may have been not careful enough this month. And everyone knows how “fertile” we can get.
Hubby has been laughing off my worries about our being pregnant. In fact, he has been very relaxed and “un-worried” about the whole thing. But this morning, I got a glimpse into the inner workings of his heart when he very casually mentioned that he has decided to cut down on some of our expenses.
Instead of the original plan of buying two new LCD TVs (one for the den and the other for our bedroom), we’ll be buying just one (for our bedroom). We can then settle for our old one (currently at the repair shop) for the den. We won’t be buying a new sala set yet as this can wait. And then he said, “Baka mahaba pa ang gamutan mo. Ayoko nang kokonti ang cash na hawak natin”.
Yesterday, I had a bad case of what seemed like an intestinal flu. I tossed and turned on my bed the night before because of intermittent gnawing epigastric pain. I thought it may be hyperacidity caused by incessant worrying. Morning came and I had 3 explosive episodes of diarrhea and suffered from crampy on and off tummy ache the whole day. I vaguely remembered suffering from the exact same thing during the first few weeks of my pregnancy with our youngest.
Today, I felt a little better, still with some tummy ache though (until now, as I write). When I walked into my clinic, the first thing I noticed was the intolerable, noxious odor of my secretary’s perfume. I thought to myself – bago kaya pabango n’ya? And then tonight, I barely touched my dinner. It was adobo. The dish that I very much detested during my pregnancies. All three of them. Now hubby’s worried.
To add to this list, this morning, our yaya who’s been with us for the past 2 months said that she’d be leaving tomorrow morning. Hubby was irked; he wanted at least a month’s notice, enough time for us to look for a replacement. I was mad, too, thinking of all the work that needs to be done because of our move to our new home (in two weeks!). But part of me (a bigger part of me) felt relieved as this particular yaya has been getting of my nerves for weeks! Wala nang ginawa kundi tumambay sa kapitbahay. Plus a serious attitude problem. Frankly, I’d be very happy to see her off. I hope our other favorite yaya does not abandon us. I called on my Tita A and tomorrow she is coming to our rescue. Ever-reliable. As my other tita said after I thanked her profusely, “Anytime. All the time.” Beautiful words. Like music to my heart.
Once again, I just scoop up all of these concerns and throw them up in the air… away with all my worries and issues. God cares for me. God cares for us. Anytime. All the time.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
God is Great (As Usual)
God is great. Anxiously, I clutched my things and began to tread on unfamiliar territory. I breathed a silent prayer in my heart that everything will turn out okay. He answered my prayer by sending over a familiar, friendly face. A minute’s worth of smiles and encouragement was more than enough to comfort me and boost my confidence. All is well. All will be well.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Happily Swamped
This week, I was swamped by referrals and new patients. Okay, okay… ‘swamped’ is an exaggeration. But they were plenty enough to keep me busy. It left me no time to whine about my tiniest troubles and left me scrambling about with a smile in my heart. Every day I drive 80 to 120 km. Every night, my sleep is interrupted by updates and lab results. One doesn’t mind and instead, chooses to be grateful for the busy-ness and for people (nurses and residents) who bother to call and SMS.
I whined. Heavenly Father heard me. I am such a spoiled brat. Thank You, God.
I whined. Heavenly Father heard me. I am such a spoiled brat. Thank You, God.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Like Manna From Heaven
The other day, Mom and I were taking over dinner about wanting to try yoga. There was no yoga class in our hometown. My family and I, on the other hand, are to move into a new place in a couple of months and I knew, thru a cousin, that a yoga class was available. I felt excited. I’ve heard and read tons about the benefits of yoga – the way it helps relieve stressed muscles and minds, and about how it makes one limber. Mom and I laughed at how tight our muscles were. I then forgot about our conversation.
For days, weeks now even, I have been concerned about finding a good school for our three kids. Our first application into a ‘good’ school (or so we’ve heard) was pretty traumatic for me. A week after the exam, I was handed letters that said they were sorry to inform me that my kid was not accepted because he/she did not meet their requirements. And they thanked me for taking interest in their school. BS! It was painful for me and my ego. And I felt sorry for the kids whom I knew were smart, and curious, and inquisitive but have been exposed for the past two years to a school curriculum which was “unconventional”. (Others called it “non-traditional”).
For about a week after that, I hustled from one school to another in between my clinic hours. I busied myself over ID pictures, and birth and baptismal certificates, and teacher’s recommendations forms. Once, I found myself crying while driving. Are they nuts? How can they not accept my son and daughter? They’re preschoolers, c’mon, give them a break!
Yesterday, after my clinic, I went on an errand for hubby. As I drove in the mall parking lot, I failed to look into my rear view mirror as I made a wide turn and almost ran into a speeding car (driven by what looked like a teenager). My heart skipped a beat, my stomach sank, and my knees shook. I said thanks to God for sparing me in spite of my carelessness. Heaving a deep sigh of relief and thanks, I backed up into my parking space, then smiled at the security guard who was staring at my car, probably wanting to see who this idiot driver could be (I had dark tint).
After the short errand, I found myself walking into National Bookstore. I wanted to ease my nerves and what better place than the bookstore (I know, I’m a bit of a geek). Looking for nothing in particular, I loitered around and then found myself standing in front the shelf labeled “Parenting”. Staring right at me was this book entitled, “(A Parents’ Guide To) Preparing Your Child For School”. It was affordable and it was exactly what I needed. I thought - Wow. God does hear my prayers. I grabbed it.
A minute later, I saw “Yoga Bliss (Simple and Effective Routines for Chilling Out)” for only 299.50. Whoa! Father, God, You’re too much! You’re spoiling me! I scanned through the pages; it had great pictures and was obviously written for tight-muscled beginners like me. It fit my budget so I grabbed it, too.
I then picked up an issue of Pinoy Whiz English Edition for me and hubby (it’s a new hobby of ours, very cheap at 15 pesos and quite fun, too). And then I chanced upon a lone copy of “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff Omnibus (special Edition – three books in one) by Richard Carlson” at only 375.00. Quite a bargain! All my purchases amounted to less than a thousand pesos. I was as happy as a kid let loose in a candy store.
I thought to myself how thoughtful and generous God really is. I did not plan these purchases. I did not plan walking into the bookstore. But He graciously led me to where I could find what I really needed. Other people might call this serendipity. To me it’s God’s provision, plopped right in front me and ready for the picking – like manna from heaven! Wow.
As if these weren’t enough, as I walked past the lonely corners of the store, I overheard what sounded like a mom and a little kid girl reading. I allowed my curiosity to take over my usually reserved self and approached them. The mom was pointing at numerous short words on an MSA reading guide and the little girl was reading – pak, pak, pak – at full speed. She was so little and I was very much impressed. Engaging the mom in conversation (I’m glad she didn’t run away from me), I learned that the kid was only four, that she learned how to read at home, and that she’s been reading since age 3. Wow. I have been thinking a lot of Wow’s this past hour.
I picked up a few of the reading guides after the lady and the little girl had left. With a teeny-weeny bounce in my step, I rushed to the cashier and paid for my purchases (thank God, again, for the patients He sent to me the day before).
I have an aversion to this A-word because it’s been used and abused, but God really is awesome! As in. Praise God.
For days, weeks now even, I have been concerned about finding a good school for our three kids. Our first application into a ‘good’ school (or so we’ve heard) was pretty traumatic for me. A week after the exam, I was handed letters that said they were sorry to inform me that my kid was not accepted because he/she did not meet their requirements. And they thanked me for taking interest in their school. BS! It was painful for me and my ego. And I felt sorry for the kids whom I knew were smart, and curious, and inquisitive but have been exposed for the past two years to a school curriculum which was “unconventional”. (Others called it “non-traditional”).
For about a week after that, I hustled from one school to another in between my clinic hours. I busied myself over ID pictures, and birth and baptismal certificates, and teacher’s recommendations forms. Once, I found myself crying while driving. Are they nuts? How can they not accept my son and daughter? They’re preschoolers, c’mon, give them a break!
Yesterday, after my clinic, I went on an errand for hubby. As I drove in the mall parking lot, I failed to look into my rear view mirror as I made a wide turn and almost ran into a speeding car (driven by what looked like a teenager). My heart skipped a beat, my stomach sank, and my knees shook. I said thanks to God for sparing me in spite of my carelessness. Heaving a deep sigh of relief and thanks, I backed up into my parking space, then smiled at the security guard who was staring at my car, probably wanting to see who this idiot driver could be (I had dark tint).
After the short errand, I found myself walking into National Bookstore. I wanted to ease my nerves and what better place than the bookstore (I know, I’m a bit of a geek). Looking for nothing in particular, I loitered around and then found myself standing in front the shelf labeled “Parenting”. Staring right at me was this book entitled, “(A Parents’ Guide To) Preparing Your Child For School”. It was affordable and it was exactly what I needed. I thought - Wow. God does hear my prayers. I grabbed it.
A minute later, I saw “Yoga Bliss (Simple and Effective Routines for Chilling Out)” for only 299.50. Whoa! Father, God, You’re too much! You’re spoiling me! I scanned through the pages; it had great pictures and was obviously written for tight-muscled beginners like me. It fit my budget so I grabbed it, too.
I then picked up an issue of Pinoy Whiz English Edition for me and hubby (it’s a new hobby of ours, very cheap at 15 pesos and quite fun, too). And then I chanced upon a lone copy of “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff Omnibus (special Edition – three books in one) by Richard Carlson” at only 375.00. Quite a bargain! All my purchases amounted to less than a thousand pesos. I was as happy as a kid let loose in a candy store.
I thought to myself how thoughtful and generous God really is. I did not plan these purchases. I did not plan walking into the bookstore. But He graciously led me to where I could find what I really needed. Other people might call this serendipity. To me it’s God’s provision, plopped right in front me and ready for the picking – like manna from heaven! Wow.
As if these weren’t enough, as I walked past the lonely corners of the store, I overheard what sounded like a mom and a little kid girl reading. I allowed my curiosity to take over my usually reserved self and approached them. The mom was pointing at numerous short words on an MSA reading guide and the little girl was reading – pak, pak, pak – at full speed. She was so little and I was very much impressed. Engaging the mom in conversation (I’m glad she didn’t run away from me), I learned that the kid was only four, that she learned how to read at home, and that she’s been reading since age 3. Wow. I have been thinking a lot of Wow’s this past hour.
I picked up a few of the reading guides after the lady and the little girl had left. With a teeny-weeny bounce in my step, I rushed to the cashier and paid for my purchases (thank God, again, for the patients He sent to me the day before).
I have an aversion to this A-word because it’s been used and abused, but God really is awesome! As in. Praise God.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
We Are A Spoiled Bunch
Hubby and I are just so thrilled at the Lord’s generosity. Everything, every plan, is slowly falling into place.
Just weeks ago, I felt lost. It felt like standing in the middle of a thick forest. I had no idea where to go… which direction to take. But God has been faithful, as always. He took hold of His bolo and just hacked away, making way, clearing paths for me. And I am truly grateful. Thank You, Lord.
I was happy to have found free, affordable, hassle-free clinic space in this building along ___ avenue. I asked for a Saturday morning slot… and God gave it to me.
I longed to be able to rent clinic space in Laguna because I didn’t have enough funds to lease. The family has more pressing needs and I do not expect to be earning a lot, not in the next couple of years. So hubby and I wanted to keep my overhead to a minimum. Like a surprise gift, it just landed on my lap. There it was - available clinic space, for rent, equipped, decent-looking, with a pleasant secretary. It was free on the days that I wanted, including the slot just before the weekly conferences at the department. Which means I can hold clinic AND attend the conference, all in one go. How great is that?!
Today, hubby and I went to the bank for our appointment regarding our housing loan. A hundred signatures later, we are officially in debt. Seriously, it felt more like being a step closer to our dreams. I trust in our generous God that He would continue to provide for our everyday needs. He has always been so generous to me and my family. He has not only been providing for our needs but for most of our wants as well. Praised be God.
I finally bought myself a black bag. It was pretty and plain enough for my taste. It looked sturdy. It did not bear any mark/brand. And more importantly, at 650 pesos, it was affordable enough. =)
Just weeks ago, I felt lost. It felt like standing in the middle of a thick forest. I had no idea where to go… which direction to take. But God has been faithful, as always. He took hold of His bolo and just hacked away, making way, clearing paths for me. And I am truly grateful. Thank You, Lord.
I was happy to have found free, affordable, hassle-free clinic space in this building along ___ avenue. I asked for a Saturday morning slot… and God gave it to me.
I longed to be able to rent clinic space in Laguna because I didn’t have enough funds to lease. The family has more pressing needs and I do not expect to be earning a lot, not in the next couple of years. So hubby and I wanted to keep my overhead to a minimum. Like a surprise gift, it just landed on my lap. There it was - available clinic space, for rent, equipped, decent-looking, with a pleasant secretary. It was free on the days that I wanted, including the slot just before the weekly conferences at the department. Which means I can hold clinic AND attend the conference, all in one go. How great is that?!
Today, hubby and I went to the bank for our appointment regarding our housing loan. A hundred signatures later, we are officially in debt. Seriously, it felt more like being a step closer to our dreams. I trust in our generous God that He would continue to provide for our everyday needs. He has always been so generous to me and my family. He has not only been providing for our needs but for most of our wants as well. Praised be God.
I finally bought myself a black bag. It was pretty and plain enough for my taste. It looked sturdy. It did not bear any mark/brand. And more importantly, at 650 pesos, it was affordable enough. =)
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Sorry, Lord
I apologize, dear God, for the sorry attitude I’ve been displaying since yesterday. Today I realized I have been doing my best to forget about that tiny incident the other day. Sorry talaga, Lord. Such a loser. Pasensya Ka na dahil pikon ako. Pikon na pikon.
Humuhingi ako ng tawad dahil sa para bang nakalimutan ko na lahat ng mabubuti kong adhikain at pangarap. Naisip ko, isa yatang pagpapanggap ang sinasabi kong hangarin na makatulong sa mga kapwa ko taga-Q_____. Pagpapanggap na ang sa ilalim ay ang hangarin na kumita. Ng malaki. Kaagad.
Sorry, Lord dahil sa una ko pang iniisip ang napakailap na Fino bag na ipinangako ko sa sarili ko na bibilhin ko sa oras na magsimula akong kumita sa mga consultation at biopsy. Sorry talaga, Lord, kung nahahalata mo na nagkakaroon ako ng feeling of entitlement. As if I deserved this. As if I got here solely on my merits with no help whatsoever.
Sorry, sorry po. Humihingi po ako ng tawad. Hinihiling ko rin po ang napakahabang pasensya. Patience.
Turuan n’yo po akong magpasalamat pa nang husto sa Inyo. Turuan n’yo po ako na i-enjoy ang bawat oras at bawat araw. Sabi nga sa kanta, “ang magbigay nang ayon sa nararapat na walang hinihintay mula sa’Yo”.
Humuhingi ako ng tawad dahil sa para bang nakalimutan ko na lahat ng mabubuti kong adhikain at pangarap. Naisip ko, isa yatang pagpapanggap ang sinasabi kong hangarin na makatulong sa mga kapwa ko taga-Q_____. Pagpapanggap na ang sa ilalim ay ang hangarin na kumita. Ng malaki. Kaagad.
Sorry, Lord dahil sa una ko pang iniisip ang napakailap na Fino bag na ipinangako ko sa sarili ko na bibilhin ko sa oras na magsimula akong kumita sa mga consultation at biopsy. Sorry talaga, Lord, kung nahahalata mo na nagkakaroon ako ng feeling of entitlement. As if I deserved this. As if I got here solely on my merits with no help whatsoever.
Sorry, sorry po. Humihingi po ako ng tawad. Hinihiling ko rin po ang napakahabang pasensya. Patience.
Turuan n’yo po akong magpasalamat pa nang husto sa Inyo. Turuan n’yo po ako na i-enjoy ang bawat oras at bawat araw. Sabi nga sa kanta, “ang magbigay nang ayon sa nararapat na walang hinihintay mula sa’Yo”.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Weeping may endure for a night...
Once again, I am in awe of God’s generosity and faithfulness.
Against all odds, He has proven once more that He is on my side. In the blink of an eye, He has wiped away every tear, every pain, every fear, and every sense of desperation.
God must have allowed all the events of the past two weeks to happen to push me to pray more… to urge me to rely on His strength instead of my own. The experience taught me the value of prayer. And of prayers offered by loved ones and friends. It opened my eyes to the beauty of God’s strokes, those which, just days ago, were difficult to appreciate and understand.
My heart overflows with happiness and gratitude to all who offered prayers for my sake.
Praised be Jesus! Praised be Mama Mary! Thank you St. Peter and St. Jude!
Against all odds, He has proven once more that He is on my side. In the blink of an eye, He has wiped away every tear, every pain, every fear, and every sense of desperation.
God must have allowed all the events of the past two weeks to happen to push me to pray more… to urge me to rely on His strength instead of my own. The experience taught me the value of prayer. And of prayers offered by loved ones and friends. It opened my eyes to the beauty of God’s strokes, those which, just days ago, were difficult to appreciate and understand.
My heart overflows with happiness and gratitude to all who offered prayers for my sake.
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. - Psalm 30:5
Praised be Jesus! Praised be Mama Mary! Thank you St. Peter and St. Jude!
I can do all things because Christ gives me strength. - Philippians 4:13
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Let Me Not Falter
It takes all the courage and faith I can muster to keep myself from giving in to depression. It is so easy to allow myself to become gripped with fear.
This morning, as I lay in my hospital bed feeling dizzy, a colleague calls to ask if I wanted to join in the practice/preparation for the exam on Sunday.
Everybody’s preparing for the exam, I thought. And here I am, stuck in the hospital, stuck with constant tinnitus and vertigo. How can I possibly survive this?
This time, I remind myself to let go and let God. And keep in my mind all the loved ones and friends who so kindly offer prayers for my health and my exam. So, I move on, slowly, painfully… I try to read as much as my concentration will allow. Because of the constant buzzing in my ear, my attention span is as short as a two-year-old’s. I get swayed by the hissing, by the fullness in (and in between) my ears, and the seemingly constant sensation of motion and unsteadiness, much like the feeling one gets on a boat.
Here I go again, whining. Lord, please help me to be gracious about the situation I am in. Let me not falter. Allow this situation to bring out the best in me.
This morning, as I lay in my hospital bed feeling dizzy, a colleague calls to ask if I wanted to join in the practice/preparation for the exam on Sunday.
Everybody’s preparing for the exam, I thought. And here I am, stuck in the hospital, stuck with constant tinnitus and vertigo. How can I possibly survive this?
This time, I remind myself to let go and let God. And keep in my mind all the loved ones and friends who so kindly offer prayers for my health and my exam. So, I move on, slowly, painfully… I try to read as much as my concentration will allow. Because of the constant buzzing in my ear, my attention span is as short as a two-year-old’s. I get swayed by the hissing, by the fullness in (and in between) my ears, and the seemingly constant sensation of motion and unsteadiness, much like the feeling one gets on a boat.
“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way” (James 1:2–4).
Here I go again, whining. Lord, please help me to be gracious about the situation I am in. Let me not falter. Allow this situation to bring out the best in me.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Letting go and Letting God
As I ponder on the events of the past couple of days, I feel that God has been very active (as usual). He has begun to strip me of my little and big concerns, gently pushing me outside of my comfort zone, while teaching me a few important lessons:
· I have been concerned these past weeks about my weight gain, especially since I noted I was beginning to have “double-chin” on my pictures. The appearance of what appeared to be tell-tale signs of crow’s feet really concerned me, too. I started to apply nightly eye cream to my daily regimen, in addition to the moisturizer and the sunscreen plus the cucumber spa salt…Vanity, vanity. Now because of a minor, albeit disconcerting, medical concern, I need to take steroids, so increased appetite, weight gain, and water retention are inevitable effects that I just have to accept.
· Coffee has been a very important part of my daily routine and I have been taking as much as 3 tall mugs a day. Never mind if I tried my best to opt for decaffeinated 2 out of 3 mugs. It was a staple I was beginning to find hard to live without, and for now I have to let this go (per doctors’ advise).
· When I stayed in the library for 8 hours last Tuesday (with only a 30-minute break in between, really) I was very happy and frankly, a bit proud of my efforts. I wrote down on my index cards the rest of my battle plan, that is, the rest of my time table, and scheduled readings in detail. Now, I surrender to God and accept my circumstances.
· My laptop hinges finally gave up yesterday. Thankfully, the computer itself remains functional. But I do need to prop up the screen against books or pillows because the hinges do not hold up anymore. For months I have been “hinting” to God that I really needed a new laptop but somehow, I can sense that He is asking me to be patient, to wait some more. Now I refuse to worry . I just thank God for every day that the laptop is able to run and do the things I need it to do.
· I have been so looking forward to spending the weekend with my family in the province, especially since this would be my one-month-old nephew's official homecoming. I was so heart-broken when I realized yesterday that we’re better off home because almost everyone in the family has been feeling ill. Frustrated, I began to look for ways and reasons to blame hubby; it made mo so unhappy and so angry just thinking about it. I knew in my heart that this is nobody’s fault. So I am taught, again, to let go of my anger and frustration.
· Despite stress and pressure and health concerns, I find myself devoting less time for prayer and being less faithful to my Daily Scriptures. I have been running on my own power, like pushing a car while the key remained in my pocket. No wonder I get so tired.
With the exam being only 16 days away, God’s message to me seems to be very clear. He is teaching me to let go and just let Him do His work, His plan, His job. He is pointing out my stubbornness and demanding that I lift my burdens off my shoulder and just lay them on His feet. It reminds me of this passage from Jeremiah 29:11-12: ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for well-being and not for trouble, to give you a future and a hope. Then You will come upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.
· I have been concerned these past weeks about my weight gain, especially since I noted I was beginning to have “double-chin” on my pictures. The appearance of what appeared to be tell-tale signs of crow’s feet really concerned me, too. I started to apply nightly eye cream to my daily regimen, in addition to the moisturizer and the sunscreen plus the cucumber spa salt…Vanity, vanity. Now because of a minor, albeit disconcerting, medical concern, I need to take steroids, so increased appetite, weight gain, and water retention are inevitable effects that I just have to accept.
· Coffee has been a very important part of my daily routine and I have been taking as much as 3 tall mugs a day. Never mind if I tried my best to opt for decaffeinated 2 out of 3 mugs. It was a staple I was beginning to find hard to live without, and for now I have to let this go (per doctors’ advise).
· When I stayed in the library for 8 hours last Tuesday (with only a 30-minute break in between, really) I was very happy and frankly, a bit proud of my efforts. I wrote down on my index cards the rest of my battle plan, that is, the rest of my time table, and scheduled readings in detail. Now, I surrender to God and accept my circumstances.
· My laptop hinges finally gave up yesterday. Thankfully, the computer itself remains functional. But I do need to prop up the screen against books or pillows because the hinges do not hold up anymore. For months I have been “hinting” to God that I really needed a new laptop but somehow, I can sense that He is asking me to be patient, to wait some more. Now I refuse to worry . I just thank God for every day that the laptop is able to run and do the things I need it to do.
· I have been so looking forward to spending the weekend with my family in the province, especially since this would be my one-month-old nephew's official homecoming. I was so heart-broken when I realized yesterday that we’re better off home because almost everyone in the family has been feeling ill. Frustrated, I began to look for ways and reasons to blame hubby; it made mo so unhappy and so angry just thinking about it. I knew in my heart that this is nobody’s fault. So I am taught, again, to let go of my anger and frustration.
· Despite stress and pressure and health concerns, I find myself devoting less time for prayer and being less faithful to my Daily Scriptures. I have been running on my own power, like pushing a car while the key remained in my pocket. No wonder I get so tired.
With the exam being only 16 days away, God’s message to me seems to be very clear. He is teaching me to let go and just let Him do His work, His plan, His job. He is pointing out my stubbornness and demanding that I lift my burdens off my shoulder and just lay them on His feet. It reminds me of this passage from Jeremiah 29:11-12: ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for well-being and not for trouble, to give you a future and a hope. Then You will come upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Panic
I am panic-stricken. Woke up very late today after having watched TV last night. I took one look at my countdown and, suddenly, I am gripped with fear… 20 days to go. My mind wanders to lost time, all those wasted hours.
Now, I take one deep breath. I focus. I pray to God. I ask, no… beg, for forgiveness for all the wasted time and ask for help and enlightenment. One more exam. With God’s help, and the prayers of all my loved ones, I can do it. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Now, I take one deep breath. I focus. I pray to God. I ask, no… beg, for forgiveness for all the wasted time and ask for help and enlightenment. One more exam. With God’s help, and the prayers of all my loved ones, I can do it. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Goodbye, Migraine
Today I saw one of my facebook friends’ status update. It said that she had a huge migraine yesterday because of the terrible heat. People commented/recommended Excedrin Migraine tablets to her. This reminded me to check on my stocks. I had plenty! As in a few more boxes, thanks to the generosity of an aunt from the US. I knew I couldn’t possibly use them all before the expiry in November 2010.
My friend’s status update had a huge impact on me because I’ve been having migraines since I was in 1st year college. The earliest severe attack I could remember happened during a spiritual retreat. And it’s been 17 years! Terrible, terrible headaches. Socially incapacitating. I know I appeared irresponsible to one pediatrics resident when I was an intern because I had to sleep through the whole night because of one severe attack. And I just had a really bad one last Black Saturday evening and it lasted until the Monday after, can you believe that? Three days of migraine. It disappears for awhile but comes back soon after. Because of this problem, I’ve become a bad pill-popper. I worry about the side effects, especially before my period comes where there is always the risk that I might be pregnant (no matter what the precautions are). The fact that my attacks are usually premenstrual further complicates the situation. So I worry because I have migraine… then I worry because I took a pill and I haven’t had my period yet… and the worry gives me another round of migraine. Whew.
Anyway, I sent a message to my friend and offered to give her some of my Excedrin. She appreciated the offer and so I will be bringing her some soon.
Anyway, what happened after is the fascinating part. As you can see, because of that exchange in facebook, migraine was in my head today (though I was pain-free, thank you, God). Late in the evening, while surfing through the TV channels, I chanced upon the 700 Club. Let me tell you, this behavior of mine is rather unusual as it coincided with the timeslot for my favorite show, The Practice. I watch it almost every single day.
Back to the 700 club. It came to the part when the host closed his eyes in prayer for people who are watching and are in need of healing. He prayed for this person who’s having a bad asthma attack. Then he prayed for someone with heart failure/congestion. Then he prayed for someone with sinusitis. At this point, I was thinking to myself, “Yeah, right. The chances that someone with sinusitis is watching your show is not really that slim”. I wasn’t impressed, I must admit. As I write this, I am surprised that I had stayed tuned. After the prayer for the person with sinusitis, he said that there is a person out there who has been suffering from migraines 3 to 4 times a week. And he prayed for that person. Before I knew it, I was raising my hands in prayer, thanking God for this gift of healing. I felt in awe, and surprised, and grateful, all at same time.
I thanked God. How silly of me to suffer from this condition and not pray about it, as if it is an inevitable fact of life that I just have to deal with. Happiness came over me. Hubby, who can be skeptical sometimes, was happy for me, too, and said that maybe it was high time we became more spiritual. That maybe we’ve been only thinking about ourselves and need to give back to God. He said something about wanting to go on a spiritual retreat.
Everything is amazing. To think that I detest this over-used word (amazing, that is). But I can think of no other way to describe what has transpired.
Praise You, Jesus! Thank You for the gift of healing. Amen.
My friend’s status update had a huge impact on me because I’ve been having migraines since I was in 1st year college. The earliest severe attack I could remember happened during a spiritual retreat. And it’s been 17 years! Terrible, terrible headaches. Socially incapacitating. I know I appeared irresponsible to one pediatrics resident when I was an intern because I had to sleep through the whole night because of one severe attack. And I just had a really bad one last Black Saturday evening and it lasted until the Monday after, can you believe that? Three days of migraine. It disappears for awhile but comes back soon after. Because of this problem, I’ve become a bad pill-popper. I worry about the side effects, especially before my period comes where there is always the risk that I might be pregnant (no matter what the precautions are). The fact that my attacks are usually premenstrual further complicates the situation. So I worry because I have migraine… then I worry because I took a pill and I haven’t had my period yet… and the worry gives me another round of migraine. Whew.
Anyway, I sent a message to my friend and offered to give her some of my Excedrin. She appreciated the offer and so I will be bringing her some soon.
Anyway, what happened after is the fascinating part. As you can see, because of that exchange in facebook, migraine was in my head today (though I was pain-free, thank you, God). Late in the evening, while surfing through the TV channels, I chanced upon the 700 Club. Let me tell you, this behavior of mine is rather unusual as it coincided with the timeslot for my favorite show, The Practice. I watch it almost every single day.
Back to the 700 club. It came to the part when the host closed his eyes in prayer for people who are watching and are in need of healing. He prayed for this person who’s having a bad asthma attack. Then he prayed for someone with heart failure/congestion. Then he prayed for someone with sinusitis. At this point, I was thinking to myself, “Yeah, right. The chances that someone with sinusitis is watching your show is not really that slim”. I wasn’t impressed, I must admit. As I write this, I am surprised that I had stayed tuned. After the prayer for the person with sinusitis, he said that there is a person out there who has been suffering from migraines 3 to 4 times a week. And he prayed for that person. Before I knew it, I was raising my hands in prayer, thanking God for this gift of healing. I felt in awe, and surprised, and grateful, all at same time.
I thanked God. How silly of me to suffer from this condition and not pray about it, as if it is an inevitable fact of life that I just have to deal with. Happiness came over me. Hubby, who can be skeptical sometimes, was happy for me, too, and said that maybe it was high time we became more spiritual. That maybe we’ve been only thinking about ourselves and need to give back to God. He said something about wanting to go on a spiritual retreat.
Everything is amazing. To think that I detest this over-used word (amazing, that is). But I can think of no other way to describe what has transpired.
Praise You, Jesus! Thank You for the gift of healing. Amen.
Lessons from God
These past months, aside from reviewing for my upcoming board exams, I get the chance to spend some time daily (almost) to read from the Bible or an inspirational book. I realize that if I listen with my heart, Jesus, the greatest teacher of all time, takes every bit of chance to teach and correct me.
One time I felt good about myself because I thought that I gave my loved ones the gift of time (see entry dated 3/30/09) http://workinprogress-kay.blogspot.com/2009_03_01_archive.html. In my mind I thought that I did something really good and so I gave myself a much-deserved pat on the back.
The following day, I had to deal with some health problems my nanny has been having. I was posed with the challenge of spending the whole day, keeping her company at the hospital. The initial reaction was that of rebellion and resistance. I am sleep-deprived. Goodbye, one whole day of review. Hello long queues and humidity and mosquito bites. Boy, Jesus surely doesn’t wait long to correct me when I become proud. He gave me a gentle push ASAP. It was both a challenge and a wake-up call. But still, He really is merciful for as soon as He realized that I have learned my lesson, He sent my friend to help us out. And so in half a day, we managed to accomplish our tasks.
Another lesson: Two days ago, I was chatting with some fellow/friends when they mentioned that after having spent time at the department chairman’s father’s wake, the realized that the chair didn’t know who they were so one other consultant (the chair’s sibling) had to introduce them as fellows from the hematology section. I just nodded while thinking to myself: surely, the chairman must know them, at least the most senior ones who’ve been at hospital for a while. After all, she knew me while I was still there. We were on a first-name basis! She smiled and greeted me warmly. One time, she even invited me to join her department after I graduate.
I was so smug.
Last night, when I went to the wake, I was bracing myself and thinking up appropriate responses in case the chair invites me again to the department. When we got there, she called me by the incorrect name. Close but incorrect. And she asked me where I was planning to start my practice. Whoa! It felt like a bucket of cold water was poured over me. It hurt a bit then but now I am forever grateful for the lessons the Master tries so very hard to teach me.
I look back fondly at these moments and look forward to countless more that lie ahead of me. Sure, it is a bit scary, especially for someone like me who hates being wrong, most especially when other people know about it. Thankfully, He loves me so much and yanks me back whenever I go the wrong way. I ask that the Master be patient with me for I can be so stubborn sometimes. I pray for the grace to heed His call at all times.
One time I felt good about myself because I thought that I gave my loved ones the gift of time (see entry dated 3/30/09) http://workinprogress-kay.blogspot.com/2009_03_01_archive.html. In my mind I thought that I did something really good and so I gave myself a much-deserved pat on the back.
The following day, I had to deal with some health problems my nanny has been having. I was posed with the challenge of spending the whole day, keeping her company at the hospital. The initial reaction was that of rebellion and resistance. I am sleep-deprived. Goodbye, one whole day of review. Hello long queues and humidity and mosquito bites. Boy, Jesus surely doesn’t wait long to correct me when I become proud. He gave me a gentle push ASAP. It was both a challenge and a wake-up call. But still, He really is merciful for as soon as He realized that I have learned my lesson, He sent my friend to help us out. And so in half a day, we managed to accomplish our tasks.
Another lesson: Two days ago, I was chatting with some fellow/friends when they mentioned that after having spent time at the department chairman’s father’s wake, the realized that the chair didn’t know who they were so one other consultant (the chair’s sibling) had to introduce them as fellows from the hematology section. I just nodded while thinking to myself: surely, the chairman must know them, at least the most senior ones who’ve been at hospital for a while. After all, she knew me while I was still there. We were on a first-name basis! She smiled and greeted me warmly. One time, she even invited me to join her department after I graduate.
I was so smug.
Last night, when I went to the wake, I was bracing myself and thinking up appropriate responses in case the chair invites me again to the department. When we got there, she called me by the incorrect name. Close but incorrect. And she asked me where I was planning to start my practice. Whoa! It felt like a bucket of cold water was poured over me. It hurt a bit then but now I am forever grateful for the lessons the Master tries so very hard to teach me.
I look back fondly at these moments and look forward to countless more that lie ahead of me. Sure, it is a bit scary, especially for someone like me who hates being wrong, most especially when other people know about it. Thankfully, He loves me so much and yanks me back whenever I go the wrong way. I ask that the Master be patient with me for I can be so stubborn sometimes. I pray for the grace to heed His call at all times.
Friday, February 27, 2009
As the deer
Psalm 42:1-8
As the deer desires rivers of water, so my soul desires You, O God.
Why are you sad, o my soul? Why have you become troubled within me? Hope in God, for I will praise Him again for His help of being near me.
It is but human to feel sad and worried sometimes.
I, in particular, am prone to falling into short (two days to a week) periods of being weepy and feeling depressed. This is especially true in the days before my monthly period comes… people in our household can sense it as I turn into this melancholy, self-pitying girl who cries at the slightest annoyance OR into this ill-tempered monster who is ready to bite your head off with the tiniest provocation. Sigh. Surely, I am not proud of it. I am working on it. There is no promise to totally change into a saint overnight but I try to make the “attacks” farther and farther in between.
I put my hope in God for His help is near me… as in, andyan lang sa tabi-tabi, pag kailangan ko S’ya.
Monday, February 23, 2009
On God and Science
Psalm 37:1-7
Trust in the Lord, and do good. So you will live in the land and will be fed.
Be happy in the Lord. And He will give you the desires of your heart. Rest in the Lord and be willing to wait for Him.
I felt a tug in my heart as I read these verses. I feel that I am at a crossroads in my life right now. From where I stand, I see a multitude of roads… boy, am I blessed to have these many options. The opportunities are endless! Sadly, I do not know which way to go. One thing is sure – I long for a life of peace, simplicity and comfort (is it possible? I think it is!), and happiness with my loved ones. Having good friends won’t hurt.
And because I do not know which road to take, I find great comfort in these verses knowing that God knows all the desires of my heart. I just have to put my complete trust in Him. Stand still. Do not fret. Be happy! Napakabait mo, Lord. Pinag-aantay mo na nga lang ako, gusto mo pa rested at happy ako. Salamat po, Lord. I am sorry for times when I allow myself to wallow in sadness, self-pity, and negativity. Remind me that though my heart needs to rest and be still, I do need to “do good” and study and do my best to prepare for the exam (and everything else) that lies ahead. Amen.
Stop being angry. Turn away from fighting. Do not trouble yourself.
Oh Lord, please help me keep my temper, to hold back my tongue when it is dying to lash out. Smoothen the furrows on my forehead. Let me turn away from mindless fighting, arguing, and nagging. Let me not trouble myself. Thank You, Lord. Amen.
Mark 9:14-29 A boy with a demon is healed
As I read today’s gospel reading, I thought that probably this boy has been born with epilepsy. The reading said that the boy had been like that “from the time that he was a child (verse 21)” and that “…it threw the boy down and came out of him. The boy was so much like a dead man… (verse 26)”. Looks like that the boy has been having generalized clonic-tonic seizures that were followed by the post-ictal state which explained why he appeared dead.
With these theories that I have though, I do not mean to undermine the healing power of God. Illness is a demon. On the contrary, these conjectures made me appreciate the power of God even more. Jesus said, “come out of Him!” and the boy was healed! Stories abound in the Bible of God’s great healing power – the paralytic who was brought down the roof (a stroke patient, perhaps?) or of the woman whose bleeding stopped after she touched the hem of Jesus’ cloak (menorrhagia? a myoma? von Willebrand disease?). Jesus is great! And He lives amongst us!
I am a doctor, a man (woman) of science. I spent four years of my life in a high school that boasts of the greatest science scholars in the country. But there are things that just cannot be explained nor straightened out by science. When Daddy died of cancer after chemotherapy, radiation, even targeted therapy, it made me question the beauty and power of medicine. We did everything we could. My father was a good man. I saw a number of people who had advanced stage/metastatic cancers who lived up to more than a year (even longer). But my Daddy was not healed. Was it because my family and I lacked faith? Was it because my daddy abused cigarettes which eventually gave him the disease? Or was it because God did not want Daddy to suffer some more? He knew what was best for him so He took him peacefully, quietly, surrounded by the people he loved the most.
I may never know the answers to these. I just know that the Lord did what He knew was best for Daddy and for all of us. I trust that things went the way He planned. I thank God for the time He gave us to prepare ourselves, to love Daddy and show him how much we really cared for him. I dare not question science for today I live knowing that science has given me electricity, this electric fan beside me, this laptop that I am working on. I live with the assurance that because of my kids’ vaccination, they will grow up not having the pockmarks of chickenpox or fear of German measles. Science is good. Knowledge is good. Progress is good.
Praised be Jesus!
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