More on Decluttering

More on decluttering

It is not helpful at all times.

My last post brought back memories of my life in med school. Whenever I needed to study for a tough exam (that is practically, every single day), I find myself fixing things in my tiny space in the dorm room (I shared the room with three other people). I fix my bed. I wash my undies. I fix my closet. Finally, I stack my huge textbooks repeatedly and organize my notes, sorting them according to subject and/or priority, and I check my supplies of pens and highlighters. I then take a shower and fall fast asleep.

First Day Of The Rest Of My Life

Tomorrow marks the first day of the rest of my life.

I am scared. I worry that I would not be able to recall the things I’ve been reading and reviewing since the beginning of the year. I am scared of not making it. When fear takes its hold on me, I call on the Lord, and Mama Mary, and St. Paul and St. Jude. I think of all my friends and loved ones who promise to include me in my prayers.

Everything in the past seems to lead up to the big day. Everything that I have worked hard for, dreamed of, and hoped for.

And then I think of what to do after the exam, regardless of whether I make it or not. The possibilities are endless. I feel the excitement. I sense this freedom to do what I want and what I need. Just think… God empowers me so I can choose what to do next.

I can start setting up my practice, finally. I can start reading books - those that lay untouched on my shelves because reading them were not a priority. I can go to Power Books and browse freely… I can buy and read whatever interests me, with no pressure, no deadline, no exam to follow after. It’s so liberating!

I can spend more time with the kids, go out on more dates with hubby and with my sister. I can start picking up a new hobby as Mommy and I have planned (crocheting or knitting). I can write and blog to my heart’s content. I can start learning to cook some more. Sure, there are a few more conventions (and probably a paper presentation, if we get lucky) that wait to be attended… but I no longer worry about going on duty or living up to other people’s expectations and demands.

I cannot hide this silly smile on my face.

But first, back to my books for some last-minute cramming. ☺

It's not too bad

The day is turning out to be not too bad.

Cooked tinola for lunch. I forgot to take out the innards and to chop the thighs into halves and it came out a little bland (which was good for me and my low-salt diet) and too greasy. But the kids loved it… they were profuse with thanks, so dahil sa kanila… panalo! Hay, sarap.

The three kids and I and the nanny all ate at the table (the other nanny went home this morning to the province); we took turns feeding the girls when they started to play with their food. The little one was quite a handful towards the end, especially when it was time for their cough medications but we survived. I took care of cleaning up the kitchen and washing the dishes while the she cleaned them up and brushed their teeth.

** As I type this, our nanny knocked on the door to tell me that the Kuya’s nose is bleeding profusely. Found him sitting up on the bed, holding a bloody old shirt up to his nose. It was coming out of his right nostril. We applied ice and put pressure on his nasal bridge until the bleeding stopped. He’s been having epistaxis 2 to 3x a year since he was about two and a half years old. It must have been triggered by the inflammation due to the flu. Whew.

Back to after lunch. It was quiet after the kids have been put to bed for their afternoon nap. I filled up my stock of cucumber spa scrub in the bathroom and prepared to take a shower. As I stood in the shower, lathering up, I realized how painfully loud the tinnitus is when everything around me is so quiet. It dawned on me: I will have to start getting used to it with no music nor TV in the background to try to mask it. I might have to take the exam with tinnitus and have to start getting used to the noise as I read and think and concentrate.

Panic

I am panic-stricken. Woke up very late today after having watched TV last night. I took one look at my countdown and, suddenly, I am gripped with fear… 20 days to go. My mind wanders to lost time, all those wasted hours.

Now, I take one deep breath. I focus. I pray to God. I ask, no… beg, for forgiveness for all the wasted time and ask for help and enlightenment. One more exam. With God’s help, and the prayers of all my loved ones, I can do it. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Hooray!

Today feels like a milestone! It’s a little thing but for me, a milestone just the same. Today is the day I submitted my research paper, one that I have been working on, albeit off and on, for more than a year. Sweat, blood, and tears. It feels great. Never mind the pouring rain and the exorbitant taxi cab fare I had to shell out. When I got back I found myself smiling to myself as I turned the key to our front gate.

Light as a bubble, that’s how I felt. As usual, there was a tiny spoiler but… hah, I refuse to be affected. I am going to enjoy this tiny victory. And thank God for all the kind souls who have helped me along the way.

I am so way behind my schedule. Reasons: My time table was ambitious and unrealistic and I lack discipline. This morning I resolved to go to the library so I can study with no distractions but as always, I became weak and gave in to the temptation of staying within my comfort zone (at home) and spent more than an hour surfing the internet - facebook, yahoo, and my near-pathologic obsession about blogs about notebooks (the paper kind) and productivity.

Can I still do better? I hope so. And I plan to. I forgive myself and move on. (I better shut this off).

On Caffeine and Being Pushed Off Track

I have been terribly sleepy since yesterday, wait... for three days. Yung tipo ng antok na mahirap labanan… parang mabigat ang ulo, groggy, tapos I struggle to fight it off which leaves me tired and even more sleepy. I can name several culprits:

- ilang gabing pagpupuyat sa kakanood ng French Open. Ang saya manood, enjoy ako. It’s a recently-discovered interest of mine and hubby. A much welcome break from watching one murder after another at CSI or those highly-strung, highly-stressed defense lawyers at The Practice. Ang saya pag kasama ko hubby manood kasi feel na feel n’ya. With matching nausea, wretching, palpitation and flushing pa s’ya, grabe… minsan natatakot ako baka bigla na lang atakihin sa puso. Ang saya, especially nung manalo si Federer. But, pray tell me… why do these darn tennis matches take forever? Three to four hours! Grabe!

- I have been skipping coffee for the past two days (not deliberately, busy lang may mga lakad) after more than a week of drinking two 400 ml servings a day. I ended up having these vague, right-sided frontal headaches (non-throbbing). Caffeine withdrawal? Kasama din daw sa symptoms ang irritability but then again, maybe it’s just me being… well, me.

- I had to make some errands because of school opening. Got myself preoccupied with concerns such as uniforms, black shoes, notebooks, undies… I hated that hubby made me wait until almost last-minute to attend to these things when I have had all the free time I my hands. Something about credit card cut-offs, which in the end, turned out to be much sooner than it actually is kasi credit card ko naman din ang ginamit ko, which meant that the delay/wait was useless and baseless and became cause for more unwarranted stress for me… sigh. Don’t ask anymore. I’m obviously ranting here. Sorry.

- I have been lagging behind my time table. I am about twenty-two chapters behind. I know, it’s nuts… the exam is 68 days away but the lag is making me tired and crabby. The deadline for exam requirements turned out to be much earlier than what was previously relayed to me (I was misinformed, unintentionally naman). Anyway, I had to stress myself into completing the requirements… letters, photocopies, CV, etc… this set me off of my track. Medyo nawala ang momentum ko. Everything was going on very smoothly before this. Being the ok-ok and regimented monster that I am, medyo nahihirapan ako to get back on track. (Tapos nagtataka pa ako bakit ganun si Kuya eh halata obvious naman sa akin nagmana). Lord, please help me!
I have got to so something about this and bring myself to get back on track. Somebody please help me. More importantly, I know I have to help myself.

Endure (for when I am weary or feel like giving up)

I have been feeling pretty bad about myself these past couple of days. The feeling is very much different from how I felt when I sat down more than a week ago and wrote out my ‘plan of action’ (a.k.a. timetable) for the remaining seventy-something days of my review. Back then I was all fired up and raring to go. I knew and felt I could do it.

I underestimated the time it will take for me to accomplish some tasks and assigned readings. Because of this, I lag behind my schedule. I am supposed to be have been done with the other book the other day and now on 2nd day of major textbook, round 2. Last night, I stayed up late until half past two this morning, but had to lie down and succumb to fatigue and eye strain. I felt so tired, my neck hurt, and more importantly, my heart was weighed down with discouragement. I remember lying down, thinking to myself, that I have not been keeping my prayer time… maybe that’s why, despite hubby’s unremitting support, I feel so low and discouraged.

Today, as always, God came to my rescue to comfort me through His Word.

Let us put everything out of our lives that keeps us from doing what we should.
Let us keep running in the race that God has planned for us.
Let us keep looking to Jesus.
Our faith comes from Him and He is the One Who makes it perfect.
- Hebrews 12: 1b, 2a

And then this was what in today’s bible reflection form Our Daily Journey:

Endure comes from the Greek word hupomeno. Hupo translates “to bear up under a
weight or a burden”. Meno means “to continue or remain”. = to continue to bear
up under the weight of difficulties. It paints a picture of staying the course
in complete submission, and obedience to Jesus.

Lord, help me to become a good soldier. Teach me to endure. Send forth Your grace… help me remember that this is my mission for now and that I do this, first and foremost, for You.

Take your share of suffering as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.
- 2 Timothy 2: 3

(Minor) Change of Plan

Turns out there was a mix-up. Good thing the secretariat thought of sending me a text message to “remind” me of the upcoming deadline for submission of application for my exam. The actual date is much, much sooner than that which she had previously announced.

Because of the reminder, she also realized that she had forgotten to e-mail me the letter/list of requirements. When I finally got the e-mail, I panicked when I saw the attached list of topics/pointers for the exam.

I whined. I muttered words that I dare not use when the kids are around. I was flabbergasted. I panicked.

I thought of how, had I known about the list, I would have reviewed differently. Later on, after my (and hubby’s, too) anger has subsided, and after things have begun to sink in, hubby comforted me and warmly reassured me that 2 ½ months is enough time for me to do the things that need to be done.

I grabbed my files - review plan of action, schedule of readings - and mapped out the revisions so I can concentrate more on the topics on the list. I made a master list of all the important chapters in the book (65 out of 132) and tentatively wrote target dates beside each topic. In my obsessive-compulsive way, I tweaked my plan of action. I then paused and said to myself that all is well… I can do it… please help me, Lord.

My name is Luka

It is 2:22 in the morning. My eyes are tired but my mind is awake, my fingers madly scrambling to take notes from the reviewer. I want to lay down but when I am reminded of my review ‘plan of action’, my mind goes, “Read, read, read… Type, type, type”.

The song “Luka” is playing on my MP3 player and suddenly I drift back to 21 years ago. I am almost the same position, on my study table (minus the laptop, of course). The window is on my right side and I can see the boys’s dorm. There, right across the canteen. I can still see the brightly-lit, double-row of windows. Can’t believe it’s been that long ago.

'Dexter'

Trying my best to read through my book. Fast. To keep myself awake during these terrible after-lunch hours, I try do it with the television as my companion. (snicker… I know, I know). The ‘Dexter’ marathon is on. And I have been watching for the past three hours. Uh-oh, not good.

How can a serial killer be so appealing? It probably helps that he is a serial killer of serial killers. Plus, he is actually good-looking if you stare at him long enough. It must be the mystery, not to mention the physique.

It’s good that the second to the last episode is on and I can go back to studying. I fear watching too much of this gloomy, scary-in-a-subtle-kind-of-way show for too long is going to drive me nuts.

May 18? Already?

Unbelievable!

How fast time flies. One day I was rejoicing because I was given one more month to prepare. Then I relaxed and watched more TV and went out on dinners and night-outs with the balikbayan uncle and before I knew it… bam! Two weeks have gone and I am left with only two more weeks advantage before, as hubby would say it, “quits na”. Aaargh. This is it. Seryosohan na talaga.

Temper, temper

Today is Ash Wednesday. Went to mass at 12nn at the chapel nearby, prayed the rosary (tagal nang hindi) and had my ash on my forehead. Skipped lunch as I was trying to adhere to “one full meal a day” as mentioned by the priest. Sadly, I was not able to resist opening my big pack of chippy come mid-afternoon. And as if that were not enough, I ate a heap of Flat Tops tonight fast. So much for fasting.

While praying in the chapel, I contemplated on my many weaknesses and made a promise to God and myself that as an offering to Him, I will do my best to keep my temper especially when dealing with the kids (and hubby and the yayas, too). Definitely not easy. Just this afternoon, the Little One went out of her way to make sure she (repeatedly!) irked me by touching, rearranging, messing around with my book, highlighters, review paraphernalia. She holds up a pen, strikes a pose – as if she is about to make a big doodle on my book – and looks over her shoulder to make sure I see her. Sigh. I warn… she does it again. I give a second warning, my voice slightly raised… she does it again. I give a third warning – with an even louder voice… she does it again! Not until I yell and stomp my feet and motion to her that I’m bringing her down to the step (for a time-out) that she stops. By then I would be mad, tired, and frustrated, not only at her but at myself as well.

On a brighter note, shea was kind enough to put up with me while I watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. She laid quietly in my arms, hugging me once in a while, asking a few questions (why is the baby crying?), then decided to go downstairs because she was bored and more than ready for her snack.

Kuya and Ate never cease to amaze me every day with the things they say. Marunong na magkwento. Kuya brought home a perfectly scored schoolwork on things that start with the letter J; says he got a “smiling lightbulb” for it. Ate was excitedly telling me (with big, round eyes) that their school snack had ants “Winow (You know) Mommy, our snack had ants”. Oh… did she eat them, I asked? “NO!” looking so disgusted that I asked such a thing ;)

I’ve been slowly making progress on my review. Finished reading Part II and am about to start Chapter 19. Quite a feat for me considering that it’s been a long time since I last studied hard like this (January of 2005). Not that of a feat considering that my goal is to read all 132 chapters of my book twice over before the exam in July. That plus a few review books/test questionnaires and the review for my practical exam. Go forth steadily and surely… one day at a time. In the meantime, I have to see tonight’s episode of CSI (new season). I can see my guardian angel striking her/himself on the forehead… tigas ulo nitong batang ito!

Mommy, Your Table Is Messy

We have this old, huge desk in our bedroom. It has served us well for the past years but I have been meaning to have it replaced by a smaller, space-saving, equally efficient cheap desk from the mall. We never got around to doing it.

I never realized that paper can accumulate so quickly! For the past 3 months, I have attended two conventions, gained a few more must-read books, brought 2 or 3 magazines and have been too lazy to sort the pile. Before I knew it, I did not have enough space to put my book on, much less my laptop. "So, that's why I never got to study", I reasoned out in my head. I simply had no space!

After much dillying and dallying, I finally got hubby to buy me one of those long plastic storage boxes that are meant to be stored under the bed. When Kuya asked me what it was for, I told him that I was planning to clean up my desk and store some of my books in the box. Being very makulit and bossy sometimes, my son took it upon himself to remind me everyday that I had to fix the books because "Mommy, your table is messy". On Saturday, I promised.

The following Saturday, I had to go to the hospital to make rounds until past lunchtime. Having gotten home after a loooong week at work, I thought I deserved to rest and waste some precious time watching TV. Kuya came along and reminded me that it was Saturday and I had to fix my mess.

I realized that if I didn't get up and carry out my resolution as promised, it may ruin my son for the rest of his life. So, I dragged myself out of bed, stared at my mess, stared at my bookshelves, and tried to figure out... what in the world have I gotten myself into? This took quite a while. The moment I started it though, my momentum became full force and I couldn't stop lifting, moving, dusting, filing, sorting, throwing away things. I found old bills, old receipts, old grocery lists, partially-read mags... I had to resist sitting down and reading them again.

When I finished after almost three hours, I realized that I didn't really need to have the new storage box because I had enough space on my desk and shelf. It just needed a lot of organizing. So there I sat, grinning at my newly fixed desk. It's amazing how great it felt having finally dealt with several months' worth of clutter. Now, I have space where I can place my bookstand, laptop, snacks. It felt great! No more excuses not to study. I firmly resolve to make important decisions as soon as I get my hands on things... should I file this, should I throw it, do I really need to keep it?

So, now I really, really need to start getting down to reading and studying. So, what am I doing here blogging?