Lately, I’ve been having recurring dreams with themes centered on significant people in my past. I wonder why. Some were about these people having a great interest in sharing and living their lives with me. I, on the other hand, had an excuse for not being able to reciprocate such as being engaged to be married to someone else, or simply being uninterested.
After such dreams, I find myself spending the greater part of the day thinking about these people. How are they doing now? Are they living happy lives? Where are they?
When I allow myself to indulge in such thoughts, oftentimes I end up wondering about what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. What if I had the courage to show my feelings or, at least, show interest? What if I were able to conquer my self-consciousness and feelings of inferiority? What could have happened had I dared to make mistakes and risk breaking my heart in the process? Was the game of playing it safe worth it?
Such queries bear no answers and can be very tiring. Surely, these do not make positive contributions to my mental health. I stop. I take a deep breath. And I thank God for the great love that surrounds me every single day. I am grateful for such huge blessings too many to count.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
On Beauty and Aging
In high school, I took pride in the fact that I was low-maintenance. All I needed was shampoo and bath soap and that was it. A classmate asked me what I was using to clean my face and I was happy to say, “Wala, tubig lang”. For a while, I tried hopping on the bandwagon and used Biore just like all the other girls in the dorm. But it left my skin feeling so dry and taut so I threw it out.
Since last year, I have begun adding more and more products to my daily regimen. Part of aging, I should say. Just a decade ago, I thought I would not allow myself to turn into one of those women who stared at the mirror and fretted over every line and freckle. Now that I’m a little past my mid-30’s, I find myself watching out for my crow’s feet… about to make its debut, inevitably.
Here is a quick rundown of the things I try (so hard) to use on a daily basis:
1. VMV Hypoallergenics Armada Face Cover (SPF30) – during residency, I had this co-resident who so diligently applied her Banana Boat Sunblock on her face every single morning. It didn’t matter if she had only an hour of sleep the night before or that she was about to start a 36-hour-duty with no chance whatsoever of being out in the sun. She put it on. And her skin looked great. Wish I’d started using sunblock sooner.
2. Cetaphil Gentle Cleanser – I use this to clean my face. At first, it didn’t feel like it was doing any actual cleaning because it was scentless and made no foam. But I noticed that I broke out less often when I tried to wash my face with it before going to bed (I know, I know).
3. Celeteque Facial Moisturizer – my skin always has been on the dry side. But I could never have the discipline to put on moisturizer, especially since I’ve spent the latter half of my life in aircon-less dorms that could be really humid sometimes. Again, I wish I had started this sooner. Better late than never!
4. The Body Shop Wise Woman Defensive Hand Cream (SPF15) – this was a very recent purchase; got wind of it from one of my favorite blogs. Though I was often mistaken to be younger than my actual age (a disadvantage in my profession: young = inexperienced), I look in the mirror and see that my hands are probably the oldest part of my body. All those years of washing with soaps and alcohols in the hospital have left my hands dry and wrinkly. This cream, true to its promise, “nourishes and softens” without the sticky, gooey feeling that other lotions have. Again, it’s a late discovery but I hope it will be “defensive” enough to do its job.
5. Cetaphil Moisturizing Cream – I seldom use this on my face because it’s kinda thick and sticky. But it really does the job so I reserve it for days that are extra cool and dry and I make sure not to use it in the days before my period. (Yes, my skin changes with my cycle and yes, at my age, I still break out on the chin pre-menstrual).
6. Apollo Petroleum Jelly – for my lips. Two words: dry and chapped. Even my kids, unfortunately, seem to have inherited this from me. Poor things. But I’ve started teaching them how to use this and even my three-year-old comes to me sometimes to ask for her “jelly ace” for her lips.
Well, this sums it up. A friend of mine gave me Origins Eye Cream. I used it for a few days but found the process of gently applying/dabbing it on the "skin around the eyes" too tedious. And it smelled like the bark of a tree so I wasn't too crazy about it. Maybe I'll change my mind when the crow's feet starts to show :p
About make-up, I started putting it on just last month. My mother almost fell on her knees to thank God when, while malling, I asked her to come help find me blush-on and lipstick. I’m such a late bloomer. Anyway, it was more of a necessity than vanity because patients were always commenting that I looked so young and “nene”. Again, as a doctor… it’s not something to be flattered about. So I had to learn the tricks of making myself look a bit more “alive” and mature. The irony of it all.
Since last year, I have begun adding more and more products to my daily regimen. Part of aging, I should say. Just a decade ago, I thought I would not allow myself to turn into one of those women who stared at the mirror and fretted over every line and freckle. Now that I’m a little past my mid-30’s, I find myself watching out for my crow’s feet… about to make its debut, inevitably.
Here is a quick rundown of the things I try (so hard) to use on a daily basis:
1. VMV Hypoallergenics Armada Face Cover (SPF30) – during residency, I had this co-resident who so diligently applied her Banana Boat Sunblock on her face every single morning. It didn’t matter if she had only an hour of sleep the night before or that she was about to start a 36-hour-duty with no chance whatsoever of being out in the sun. She put it on. And her skin looked great. Wish I’d started using sunblock sooner.
2. Cetaphil Gentle Cleanser – I use this to clean my face. At first, it didn’t feel like it was doing any actual cleaning because it was scentless and made no foam. But I noticed that I broke out less often when I tried to wash my face with it before going to bed (I know, I know).
3. Celeteque Facial Moisturizer – my skin always has been on the dry side. But I could never have the discipline to put on moisturizer, especially since I’ve spent the latter half of my life in aircon-less dorms that could be really humid sometimes. Again, I wish I had started this sooner. Better late than never!
4. The Body Shop Wise Woman Defensive Hand Cream (SPF15) – this was a very recent purchase; got wind of it from one of my favorite blogs. Though I was often mistaken to be younger than my actual age (a disadvantage in my profession: young = inexperienced), I look in the mirror and see that my hands are probably the oldest part of my body. All those years of washing with soaps and alcohols in the hospital have left my hands dry and wrinkly. This cream, true to its promise, “nourishes and softens” without the sticky, gooey feeling that other lotions have. Again, it’s a late discovery but I hope it will be “defensive” enough to do its job.
5. Cetaphil Moisturizing Cream – I seldom use this on my face because it’s kinda thick and sticky. But it really does the job so I reserve it for days that are extra cool and dry and I make sure not to use it in the days before my period. (Yes, my skin changes with my cycle and yes, at my age, I still break out on the chin pre-menstrual).
6. Apollo Petroleum Jelly – for my lips. Two words: dry and chapped. Even my kids, unfortunately, seem to have inherited this from me. Poor things. But I’ve started teaching them how to use this and even my three-year-old comes to me sometimes to ask for her “jelly ace” for her lips.
Well, this sums it up. A friend of mine gave me Origins Eye Cream. I used it for a few days but found the process of gently applying/dabbing it on the "skin around the eyes" too tedious. And it smelled like the bark of a tree so I wasn't too crazy about it. Maybe I'll change my mind when the crow's feet starts to show :p
About make-up, I started putting it on just last month. My mother almost fell on her knees to thank God when, while malling, I asked her to come help find me blush-on and lipstick. I’m such a late bloomer. Anyway, it was more of a necessity than vanity because patients were always commenting that I looked so young and “nene”. Again, as a doctor… it’s not something to be flattered about. So I had to learn the tricks of making myself look a bit more “alive” and mature. The irony of it all.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Finding the Happy in Things Big and Small
My career is off to a very slow crawl. Colleagues and mentors say I need to be patient and prepare myself to endure this for the next two years.
Despite this, I have to say I’m feeling quite happy. Sure, I do not have lots of money. But I do have work (with no boss, as my sister enviously points out) AND I have time for a few of my other interests… interests that add so much more to my life.
I have time to read books at a whim; my budget is the only (minor) constraint. There is a lot of opportunity to dabble in my first love – cross-stitching. Pockets of time are used for writing short notes such as these. And I am able to browse around bookstores and on my favorite websites at a leisurely pace. Another good thing: I never expected that driving, and all the stress that came along with it, could give me a pleasant sense of freedom. There was no need to rely all the time on hubby, which is great as he’s been very busy and his schedule is unpredictable (usually). My driving has made grocery shopping less of a chore. It, as pointed out by an aunt, has made my life more flexible.
I thank God for these small changes in my life. My family and I are truly blessed.
Despite this, I have to say I’m feeling quite happy. Sure, I do not have lots of money. But I do have work (with no boss, as my sister enviously points out) AND I have time for a few of my other interests… interests that add so much more to my life.
I have time to read books at a whim; my budget is the only (minor) constraint. There is a lot of opportunity to dabble in my first love – cross-stitching. Pockets of time are used for writing short notes such as these. And I am able to browse around bookstores and on my favorite websites at a leisurely pace. Another good thing: I never expected that driving, and all the stress that came along with it, could give me a pleasant sense of freedom. There was no need to rely all the time on hubby, which is great as he’s been very busy and his schedule is unpredictable (usually). My driving has made grocery shopping less of a chore. It, as pointed out by an aunt, has made my life more flexible.
I thank God for these small changes in my life. My family and I are truly blessed.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
My Mother
I am grateful for my mother. I am grateful for each visit, every hour spent with her. Not all encounters are happy. Sometimes I am hurt by words of criticism and correction. These are not always easy to swallow. But ultimately, each encounter makes me a better and wiser person. I pray to God I can be the same to my children.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Life is Short
I feel terribly sad when I think of the many times I have yelled and gotten mad at the kids this past week. They were getting on my nerves. All the yelling, the mess, the mundane demands that needed to be met ASAP. I was sick and tired.
Now I realize how truly sick I am to have let my selfish id rule over my mind and my heart. Time flies. The kids are growing up right before my eyes. In a few years, they would stop running to me, expecting me to help them with every whim. They would stop asking me to help them tie their shoelaces for the nth time.
I am truly sorry and now promise myself to start cleaning up my act. As an old classmate of mine posted on his Facebook status: "Life is very short... there is no time for BS".
I will love my kids more. I will love them. I will treat them with respect. I will treat them well.
Now I realize how truly sick I am to have let my selfish id rule over my mind and my heart. Time flies. The kids are growing up right before my eyes. In a few years, they would stop running to me, expecting me to help them with every whim. They would stop asking me to help them tie their shoelaces for the nth time.
I am truly sorry and now promise myself to start cleaning up my act. As an old classmate of mine posted on his Facebook status: "Life is very short... there is no time for BS".
I will love my kids more. I will love them. I will treat them with respect. I will treat them well.
On Fiestas
Fiestas are a fascinating thing.
As I sat on the bus, I noticed that we slowed down to a crawl. I continued to look out the window and saw that there were more tambays than usual. Maybe because today's a holiday, I thought. Then, one by one, I saw the signs.
There were babies clad in those, white, lacy, itchy-looking things. Young ladies appeared to be wearing their nicest blouses (with wide belts and leggings to boot... are belts back?). And the ultimate sign - people sitting on plastic stools and chairs on verandas, clutching plates filled to the brim on one hand while they expertly try to eat with the other hand (using a spoon).
There were men sitting around tables with lambanog/beer and green mangoes, among other pulutans (horrors! will the green mango not give them a tummy ache?). they looked oh-so relaxed and happy.
And the numerous "kawa" (very large wok) perched on rocks and firewood... ahh. There were no banderitas in sight but it was a fiesta alright. Just to confirm my suspicions, the banda came into view. They wore brightly colored gear and were playing a happy tune; the pretty maidens were holding their batons (majorettes, they're called) and were trying their best to smile while getting sunburnt.
Plus toms of trinkets and cheap toys for sale. A happy time for kids, for everyone.
I remember when i was little, fiestas were the time when they bought me this tiny set of palayok fruits perched on a tiny but very real-looking... uh, palayok. I wonder if they still make those.
As I sat on the bus, I noticed that we slowed down to a crawl. I continued to look out the window and saw that there were more tambays than usual. Maybe because today's a holiday, I thought. Then, one by one, I saw the signs.
There were babies clad in those, white, lacy, itchy-looking things. Young ladies appeared to be wearing their nicest blouses (with wide belts and leggings to boot... are belts back?). And the ultimate sign - people sitting on plastic stools and chairs on verandas, clutching plates filled to the brim on one hand while they expertly try to eat with the other hand (using a spoon).
There were men sitting around tables with lambanog/beer and green mangoes, among other pulutans (horrors! will the green mango not give them a tummy ache?). they looked oh-so relaxed and happy.
And the numerous "kawa" (very large wok) perched on rocks and firewood... ahh. There were no banderitas in sight but it was a fiesta alright. Just to confirm my suspicions, the banda came into view. They wore brightly colored gear and were playing a happy tune; the pretty maidens were holding their batons (majorettes, they're called) and were trying their best to smile while getting sunburnt.
Plus toms of trinkets and cheap toys for sale. A happy time for kids, for everyone.
I remember when i was little, fiestas were the time when they bought me this tiny set of palayok fruits perched on a tiny but very real-looking... uh, palayok. I wonder if they still make those.
It's The Little Things
One would think that after a loved one has died, you would remember him for all the big and important events. It's not the case, well, at least for me.
I barely remember our dance on my wedding day. But I do remember how we almost laughed our eyeballs out over something very petty, I wouldn't dare write about it here; it'll be out of context and I don't want to risk sounding shallow. Or how, when I was a little kid, he showed me an imprint made on a piece of clay. He made me guess which object made that distinct imprint (it was from the design engraved on his wedding band).
One time, at home after his chemotherapy, we both couldn't fall asleep. In the middle of the night, he and I drove out for some balut, using his need to buy some medications from a 24-hour drugstore as an excuse. We greedily wolfed down our balut (3 for him, 2 for me).
It's the little things I miss the most. I miss you, Daddy.
I barely remember our dance on my wedding day. But I do remember how we almost laughed our eyeballs out over something very petty, I wouldn't dare write about it here; it'll be out of context and I don't want to risk sounding shallow. Or how, when I was a little kid, he showed me an imprint made on a piece of clay. He made me guess which object made that distinct imprint (it was from the design engraved on his wedding band).
One time, at home after his chemotherapy, we both couldn't fall asleep. In the middle of the night, he and I drove out for some balut, using his need to buy some medications from a 24-hour drugstore as an excuse. We greedily wolfed down our balut (3 for him, 2 for me).
It's the little things I miss the most. I miss you, Daddy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)