One Thousand Pesos = Happiness

I never thought one thousand pesos can make me this happy...

Got myself a beader book for my Tita J, a couple of yoga magazines for my cousin (yup, I admit, I will have to browse over them first before handing them over to her), a golf instruction mag for hubby, parents magazine (the article on “how to handle whining” caught my eye), an Oprah, and last but definitely the least… a crochet book (for the beginner stitcher). Yeheeey! Napapalundak ako sa tuwa, can you see me jumping for joy?

Then I found myself a (relatively) quiet nook with a comfy cushioned seat near the aircon in Jollibee. With an hour to spare while waiting for my ID pictures to get done, I was as happy as a lark.

Today, I became enlightened. Out of the blue, I told hubby that starting this month, I'll be taking care of the Meralco bill. Now, that felt good.

I still get a genuine kick out of living in our tiny suburban paradise. Peeking through our windows while the gentle breeze caresses me gives me joy.

Christmas Lights, Christmas Memories

Today, they’ve lit up the streets of Makati. Saw it on TV. It brought back beautiful memories of my Dad driving us along Ayala/Paseo de Roxas in our good old VW Beetle when we were little.

Back then, we never shopped in Makati. Christmas shopping was done in Cubao (then later on SM City – now North Edsa). But the folks made it a point to drive us through the bright lights. It made me feel even more “Christmassy”.

I can still vividly recall how the whole experience felt as I stuck my neck out, head peeking thru the car window from behind Daddy’s seat. Ah, all was well.

Maybe Hubby and I can bring along the 3 little ones for a “drive-thru” one night.

On Being Up Early and Keeping My Sanity

Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than rising up early. I keep wondering why I do not find the discipline to do it every day.

This morning, I woke and fought the strong urge to count the number of hours I’ve slept and the even stronger urge to get back to bed. Grabbed my Bible and Our Daily Journal, said a short prayer, and greeted my mother-in-law on her birthday.

My youngest Little One woke up as I got down to start eating breakfast. I am thankful that we have help; they take charge of cooking and cleaning most of the time. It was fun chatting with the Little One about nothing in particular – laughing over sneezes and funny words like “Komodo… sacrifice!” (Long story; think – cartoons and speaking cows [Hint: Back in the Barnyard]).

I told our help that I meant to leave early before noon and therefore am planning to eat lunch early. Keeping the communication lines open does wonders to my sanity. I know it will help me not to be running late for work, therefore, make my day remarkably less stressful.

I then spent… I don’t know, maybe half an hour or so watering the plants and trimming a few bushes. Pulled out a handful of ugly-looking weeds. Glad I caught them early. Just a few weeks from now and they’d have grown nasty thorns, making them much harder to pull out. Which, I guess, speaks a lot about life in general. See some “weeds” you don’t like in your life? This early, PULL THEM OUT!

Had to fight the very strong urge to spend more time cutting some grass. Doctor’s orders. No stooping over to avoid increasing my intracranial pressure and spare myself the torture of a really bad headache (which usually drags on for days… really).

I know I’ve been fighting a lot of urges lately. But this is all balanced out by giving in to some pleasant instincts – like rising up early. My mantra is still “Let it go”. Works wonders for my health and sanity. I end up with a happier household and a happier me.

Please spare me a moment to rant...

Am all alone at home, hubby, the kids and their ates are out-of-town swimming together with the in-laws to celebrate grandma’s birthday. I was tossing and turning the whole night because of an ugly, intermittently throbbing, left-sided headache. I could have come with them today but I desperately wanted to end this pain that has been dragging on and off for the past three days.

Don’t you just get tired of all this talk about my ailment? I know I do. But this offers my only respite. I exert the best effort to keep myself from complaining as much as I would’ve wanted to, to hubby or to my mom. Too much negative energy and whining makes me think Francis Kong’s joke (heard in one of his talks) may have been written for me: ‘Some people brighten up a room just by leaving it’.

My doctor had started me on a new drug last week. The headache still comes and goes but last Thursday, I was happy to tell hubby that I thought my tinnitus was becoming less loud, less intrusive. It was evident that hubby was very happy to hear this bit of news.

Sadly, this comforting phase didn’t last that long. We went to a friend’s son’s birthday party yesterday and the music was unbearably loud. Loud music + terrible speakers = torture to my ears. Even the other folks whom I assume weren’t suffering from ear conditions complained. I had no control over the situation. My ear plugs, aside from not doing much to mask the noise, left me feeling silly and self-conscious. I hid them back in purse a minute after I tried them on.

As we left the party, my headache worsened and dragged on into the night. My ears felt a bit ‘deaf’ and ‘full’, like a cup was being held over each of them. And my tinnitus reverted back into its loud, high-pitched, relentless state.

Back to normal.

Snap, snap, snap.

It seems like all I've really been doing since yesterday was to snap. I snapped at my kids. I snapped at my husband. I snapped at our kasambahays (helpers). It's sad that I have been using my illness as a sorry, worn-out excuse.

First things first: please allow myself to rant. I have been dealing with my tinnitus for more than a year now. The ENT I am currently seeing (my fourth one) is one of the best, if not the best, ear specialist in the country. But up until now, after months of medication and tests, we're still both stumped.

My CT scan has shown evidence of a problem (likely, congenital) in my right temporal bone. But a lot of questions have emerged since. Why does my tinnitus involve my left ear as well? Why do I get these bad, disabling, right-sided headaches that typically last for days? And why, after my doctor flipped and turned me almost violently in different directions during my check-up last week, does my left ear show signs of "weakness"? And yet the tinnitus, in both ears, remains... louder than ever. So many why's. Not enough answers.

And so many restrictions! A long list of things that include a lot of the things I love (or would have loved to do): No caffeine, therefore, no coffee nor chocolates. No yoga. No running nor jogging. No lifting nor pushing of heavy objects (which sadly,translates to no carrying of my kids and no grocery-shopping on my own). No stooping over (which means no more grass cutting in the garden). And no salty food though I've been allowed to get away with this last one since sodium levels have been slightly low.

My in-born propensity to snap has been aggravated by the fact that the doctor has switched my drug to something that is supposed to keep me from having headaches BUT would predispose me to weight gain, drowsiness, and depression. I'm thinking, great! They took away all my comfort things AND gave me the perfect excuse to feel sad and sleepy. 

END OF RANT.

But there have been countless blessings along the way. My husband goes out of his way to comfort me and cheer me up. (Just half an hour ago, he cooked fishball for me and the kids). My mom has been my fiercest prayer warrior. My one and only sister is one of my staunch supporters. My aunts. My mother-in-law. All of them have been continuously praying for me. And my kids... ah, the kids. I've yelled at them many times. I've been irritable and at times, have consciously chosen to stay in a room away from them to protect my ears from their high-pitched yelling. (My ears are pretty sensitive to noise, especially to high-pitched sounds AND countless occasions have proven that anger and irritation trigger my headache; just so you wouldn't think I'm being too mean, okay?). But they hug me and love me just as I am.

The youngest has her adorable way of cheering me up by moving her face close to mine and giving me her best smile, "Mommy, are you happy or sad? Happy?". The Big Girl gives me spontaneous hugs and 'I love you's almost every day. And Kuya plants his kisses on my cheeks and shows me his amazingly detailed sketches. 

Hubby, oh hubby. He takes charge of a lot of my usual chores especially when the symptoms become pretty bad or when he sees me in one of my depressed phases (that happens mostly after I've come from the doctor). He helps the kids with homework when I don't feel like doing it and he does this very patiently. He runs to the groceries to buy rice and what not. He cooks food that I particularly love simply because "I want you to be happy, hon". 

Today, I scolded my elder daughter. She was being whiney and was sulking. She hounded me since yesterday to get her a tiny pretty box from the bookstore, something to store her ring in. Hubby and I surprised her today, but instead of being pleased, she got envious of the other surprises for her siblings and failed to appreciate the box. I yelled at her and said "Ano ka ba, kahapon ka pa hingi nang hingi sa akin ng box tapos ngayon  na ibinigay ko na, hindi ka pa rin masaya. Ano pa ba ang gusto mo?".

I had to stop, almost mid-sentence, because... I could well be talking to myself. God must have grinned His mighty silly grin. and I shut up and thanked God for all my blessings.